2 yrs on and i still damn well miss him

[sultry33]

I have come to realise that reason my current rs is probably not working

is that im still not over my ex..

I still do think about him every day and no matter what i do it still hurts.

 

I have seen pictures of him and his new girl.. and he seems happy so why cant

i move on?

 

I have had other bfs.. buddies etc so my current one cannot really be a rebound but at same time its not working out for me, i need to feel the love, passion, fun which i felt before.

 

I cannot settle for less, i dont think i actually want my ex.. or do i?

anyone else feel this?

[bubbles5]

Meet up your ex n throw all ur frustation n anger I think its left inside u . Then may b u will move on.. And try new things in your life n do some activity together with your rebound or current guy during holidays u will have fun,, things u would like to do.

[hopesndreams]

I have seen pictures of him and his new girl.. and he seems happy so why cant

i move on?

 

That is why.

[CarrieT]

anyone else feel this?

 

I still feel this way. I am going on two years being single and while I definitely do NOT want my ex back (and I am not looking at pictures of him), even in this large city of San Francisco I occasionally catch sight of him and it makes my heart wretch.

 

Mine was a bi-polar alcoholic and I was the dumpee (afterwhich I found out I had been cheated on), but it doesn't make it better or hurt less.

 

I am surprised that I have had a hard time moving on in getting him out of my system.

 

For me, it is hard because I am self-employed and don't have the social network to meet new people very easily, so my dating has been sporadic at best and even then, not more than a single date from the dating sites; i.e., lots of first dates and no second dates.

 

But I am still not even comfortable in my own skin and not being part of a couple. It still blows me away to realize it has been TWO YEARS when it feels as though my heart were breaking just yesterday...

[sedgwick]

I'm at 2 years, 8 months and I still miss him every day and dream of him almost every night. I haven't dated at all in that time because nobody else can compare. I felt like I had found my twin when I met him, in a way I'd never felt with anyone else. Now we're not even on speaking terms, and the only reason I was ever given is that I'm not a musician like he is. Yes, this should make me hate him, but it doesn't. I still love him so much.

[LovelyDaze]

I have seen pictures of him and his new girl.. and he seems happy so why cant

i move on?

 

That is why.

 

That's true. Don't know if you are looking at some social network site like Facebook or something but stop looking at your ex's pics and life. You won't heal if you are still in his business. Do it for your heart's sake.

 

I'm at 2 years, 8 months and I still miss him every day and dream of him almost every night. I haven't dated at all in that time because nobody else can compare. I felt like I had found my twin when I met him, in a way I'd never felt with anyone else. Now we're not even on speaking terms, and the only reason I was ever given is that I'm not a musician like he is. Yes, this should make me hate him, but it doesn't. I still love him so much.

 

I am so sad for you too. If after 2 years it still hurts just the same as the 1st week, perhaps you might see someone to talk about it in depth. Not to be mean but for your own healing, you should seek a therapist to get some insight on your pain. It is just so bad that you still dream and miss him after all of this time. Good luck, sedgwick:love:

[blind_otter]

Sometimes it's the idea that you are more in love with. Not the actual person. The reality is usually so different.

 

My mother tells me, every time I mention my son's father, that I have to not let myself think on him at all. Get up and do something else. Read a book, do something physical, take a bath. Something that takes your attention away from the memory.

 

You have to train your mind to focus on what you want to focus on. You are not just the victim of your own thoughts - they don't just go where they will. You allow them to follow the familiar path that you have allowed your thoughts to follow - so often that the road is well worn, and it's easy to go down that road.

 

Retrain your brain. It is hard, painful, time consuming, uncomfortable, difficult - but it is possible.

[sedgwick]

LovelyDaze, I've done SO much therapy, it's stupid. I have never had this kind of trouble getting over someone. I've gone to Mexico for nine months (thankfully I can write from anywhere, so I can do this kind of thing) to focus on physical healing. I've injured my right shoulder and right ankle badly since he left, plus I had a bike wreck that left me with a scar on my forehead. I've been so accident-prone and I just keep getting less and less healthy.

 

I'm seeing a massage therapist/acupuncturist here who also practices traditional Mexican and Chinese medicine. The first time I walked in, he put his hands on me and said, "The right side of your body is very inflamed. It's full of fire. Your spine is twisted and your shoulder is rolling in to protect your heart. The most important thing we have to do is open your heart again."

 

Pretty heavy stuff.

[Issues & tissues]

First of all, a big hug to everyone who is still hurting from a past relationship. May we all somehow find the strength to carry on without the person who left us/we left behind.

 

My ex and I split up just over 2 years ago and up until this year I was single the whole time. At the end of December 2009 I met the most wonderful person who is absolutely doted on me. I was very hesitatant at first to get involved but he soon won me over and we started dating just a few weeks ago.

 

However, as much as the person I am currently with is absolutely perfect in every single way, I am totally NUMB and there is NOTHING I seem to be able to do about it! God only knows how much I have tried to convince myself of the fact that he is not my ex and that everyone deserves a chance and that all I need is time! Right now, my current BF has a better chance of breaking into Fort Knox than cutting through the heavy barbed-wire fencing which guards my heart!!

 

But already the strain is beginning to take its toll. As soon as my current BF and I become intimate, I panic. I am overcome with a feeling of anxiety and of wanting to run as far away as possible and be left totally alone. There are times when I cannot bear to be touched, or kissed or caressed. On the rare occasions when we have made love (and those were mostly fuelled by alcohol) I have quite literally pushed him away and ending up feeling really angry with myself for letting anyone get so close to me. It is just so silly but there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do about the way I feel it seems. On some occasions I have even experienced shortness of breath due to a mild panic attack!

 

Obviously, I cannot go on like this. There is only so much pretending I can do and sooner (rather than later) I am going to have to stop pretending both to him and myself and call the whole thing off. It is not fair to him and makes me no better than my ex!!

 

If I am completely truthful, I don't think that I am capable of loving anyone ever again and that, unless things change soon, I am at 38 destined to spend the rest of my life alone! :(

Edited March 19, 2010 by Issues & tissues

[sedgwick]

If I am completely truthful, I don't think that I am capable of loving anyone ever again and that, unless things change soon, I am at 38 destined to spend the rest of my life alone! :(

 

Oh man. I really, really feel for you. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I don't think I could love again like that if I wanted to. Haven't had a date in almost three years because I haven't felt attraction, and apparently nobody has felt it for me. Maybe when I stop dreaming about my ex every damn night things will change.

[Issues & tissues]

Oh man. I really, really feel for you. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I don't think I could love again like that if I wanted to. Haven't had a date in almost three years because I haven't felt attraction, and apparently nobody has felt it for me. Maybe when I stop dreaming about my ex every damn night things will change.

 

Thank you Sedgwick! As you yourself know, it's not a nice place to be and in spite of all the good advice from friends, family and forums like this one, getting ourselves out of that rut seems to be the hardest thing!! If only the whole damn dating game were as simple as 'Sex & The City' makes it out to be... *sigh*.

Edited March 19, 2010 by Issues & tissues

[mickleb]

Anyone read 'He's Scared, She's Scared', here?

 

x

[leoine]

I am scared of not really being able to move on.

 

In the majority of the time the world seems to be most wonderful place even without them and I feel liberated - I am feeling attracted to others - but I always get those days where it all just comes back like a gigantic wave of sadness and lose interest in the current crush and want the ex back so badly.

 

We KNOW that we shouldn't feel like this - we KNOW that we deserve better - we KNOW that its all wasted energy when we think of them, and caring about them ... because, in my case, I don't think he cares at all about me anymore.

 

I DON'T want to care about him, and most of the time I don't, but just when those triggers like going by some place we used to always go, seeing new couples doing what we were doing - they bring back these feelings.

[Steadfast]

This is a very touching thread to me. I don't know how many of you were actually married or if the relationships were long term, but in a way it's both encouraging and revealing. Encouraging in as much that people (in this case, women) can feel a love so strong and profound, and revealing because it may give me some insight as to how my ex wife feels...for someone else.

 

In my case, the love I had for her will probably always be there...to some extent. We had two kids together, and believe me when I say I was literally crazy about her; faults and all. But there is some sort of wall between us, and I'm not sure if it's something she built, or if it was constructed by feelings and emotions she had no control over. I can say that while she loves and misses me, the passion and fire needed to go the distance is missing. There is someone else; or the thought -or ideal- of someone. Whatever or whoever it is, I cannot compete. A bad place to be!

 

So ladies, consider me a reflection of the lovable men you're not in love with. I have found love again, but even this wonderful lady struggles with the realization of what she was cheated out of. Perhaps that is what we most have in common. In the meantime, know that what helped me cope was considering how things would be if we somehow were together again. Yes, she'd be here, but I would live daily with the knowledge that the special place in her heart; the one reserved for her true love, was filled with the images of someone else. No thanks. I may be a romantic, I may be a sucker for a pretty brunette, but I have just enough self-love to not want that life. No matter how much I love her or how much I care.

[sultry33]

Sometimes it's the idea that you are more in love with. Not the actual person. The reality is usually so different.

 

My mother tells me, every time I mention my son's father, that I have to not let myself think on him at all. Get up and do something else. Read a book, do something physical, take a bath. Something that takes your attention away from the memory.

 

You have to train your mind to focus on what you want to focus on. You are not just the victim of your own thoughts - they don't just go where they will. You allow them to follow the familiar path that you have allowed your thoughts to follow - so often that the road is well worn, and it's easy to go down that road.

 

Retrain your brain. It is hard, painful, time consuming, uncomfortable, difficult - but it is possible.

 

Hi, yes i heard that before.. sometimes its the feeling of what could have been that you miss an not the person..

 

Maybe one day I will have that feeling again

Just wont be with him

I dont look at the pics anymore.. i did initally as it stopped me contacting him, put me off him like he was cheating .. or cheated my heart

everytime i think about him now i try an move the thought.. of course dreams dont help at all

but i just accept im not having him back and deep down i know we ended for a reason.

 

still feel empty sometimes and for me its been 2 yrs. but life goes on.

hugs to all xxx

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey guys, i'm 1 year down the road and I have my ups and downs. The majority of the time I am over him but I have spells where i'm not, so i'm not 100% over him. Either way, I'm not READY to be with a new person, because I have attached thoughts, emotions, ideas and beliefs to him that are probably not realities. I have expectations about the first love and fate and 'we are meant to be' that are most likely brainwashed thoughts from books and films are may not be compatable with real life.

 

I can SO relate to 'I thought he was my twin.' Sylvia Plath said something amazing reguarding her husband Ted Hughes, roughly she said they were like two twins who walked around with great gaping holes shaped like the other person, but who couldn't bare to be so happy together so they ripped themselves apart. I found this comment so profound as it summed up how I felt about my ex.

 

I saw him as my soul mate, the one, my twin, my everything really, not just as fancy words on a page but as deeply as anyone can feel anything, emotionally, spiritually. I wanted to prove to myself, to the world, first love can last.

 

So where does this kind of love leave us when it doesn't work out?

 

Firstly I think we all need to lose the FEAR of being alone. The fear that we wont be with anyone ever again, or if we are, that we will be bored or lonely and that it wont be the same. There is no guarantee that anyone will fall in love, stay in love or last in love. There is no unwritten rule that everyone must be neatly coupled up and married off in life. This may be what many want and also what we are conditioned to believe, but I think it is incredibly important for people to face what they fear about being alone or single, and accept it.

It is not so bad to be single; it is better than being in a relationship that you do not really want.

I have always been scared to be alone. I have actually learnt to be happy alone and embrace it. I feel my mind and heart are free for me and for life.

 

I have a theory that some people have too much love for just one person. When I was in love, my thoughts and heart was trained on one man and all my love went to him.

Now that I am single my head and heart are free, to love anyone; to love the world and everyone and everything in it. To do things for good causes and care for others, and most importantly, to care for myself.

When I feel scared or sad, I remind myself of this.

Maybe some of us are 'destined' to have our hearts free to love on a more universal rather than individual level. I really do believe this.

Don't be afraid to be alone, just be fearless and love. If you aren't comfortable to love someone else or move on, let yourself love in other ways; love what you do, love the world, your family, anything.

[yume]

Sometimes it's the idea that you are more in love with. Not the actual person. The reality is usually so different..

 

I have attached thoughts, emotions, ideas and beliefs to him that are probably not realities.

 

I was doing the same thing until I met with my ex last week, and boy did it knock him off the pedestal I had him on in my head. Yes it was hard in the sense I still love him and he's now at arms length from me, but it made me realise, in talking with him, that he wasn't the perfect being that I had morphed him into in my head.

 

So, I would gently suggest, if anyone thinks they are able, to meet their ex briefly to see the reality of things. Granted, it's not really a wise idea (speaking from personal experience since I spent about an hour sobbing that same night) because it does rip open the wound again...but it did help me in the end. No more idolizing for me. He also made it very clear to me that he has moved on, and that has pushed me down the only path that is available to me right now: to move on myself. It hurts to let go, but it is freeing.

 

Don't sit and watch your life go by while pining over one person. There is more than one person out there who will love you better, treat you better, and kiss you better than you could imagine. Go out and be brave enough to look for them.

[foxh1234]

I have come to realise that reason my current rs is probably not working

is that im still not over my ex..

I still do think about him every day and no matter what i do it still hurts.

 

I have seen pictures of him and his new girl.. and he seems happy so why cant

i move on?

 

I have had other bfs.. buddies etc so my current one cannot really be a rebound but at same time its not working out for me, i need to feel the love, passion, fun which i felt before.

 

I cannot settle for less, i dont think i actually want my ex.. or do i?

anyone else feel this?

 

Hi Sultry, it's been a long time. I think you still think about him because you really cared about him. It's as simple as that. You care deeply and you will care deeply again for another. I think when we really cared, it takes longer to get over them. 2 years is not that long really, just enjoy life and keep going, I think something great is in your future. Take care and I wish you the very best.

[sultry33]

Hi Sultry, it's been a long time. I think you still think about him because you really cared about him. It's as simple as that. You care deeply and you will care deeply again for another. I think when we really cared, it takes longer to get over them. 2 years is not that long really, just enjoy life and keep going, I think something great is in your future. Take care and I wish you the very best.

 

Thanks Fox,

I know 2yrs is not really that long but sometimes I just feel like a saddo

part I always find hard is when they say they love you still do an all that stuff but still leave, guess its made me question the meaning of love.

The guys i have left i knew i didnt love..

 

How have you been?

still need to watch the film *swingers* too x

[sultry33]

Just wanted to update.. watched the film swingers lol

it was funny how I could relate to it constantly checking for messages calls

not seeing anyone else and talking about him to complete strangers:sick:

I found it lovely how close his friends were to him.. you know looked out for him and told him straight.

I have never really had close friends.. a recent ex said I have like 2 walls around me.. made me feel a bit sad.

 

Anyway yea I still think of him but not miss him.. I want to think of him as a bereavement somehow.. sounds wrong though but i seriously want him out of my head.

I want the walls down too.. damn I want to feel love passion and all that jazz..

 

Great film.. bit i seriously related to was when one of them said that when you dont miss them is when it hurts the most.. ouch i felt that.

 

Im doing good staying strong.. hope everyone else is.. I miss you Fox;)

[Nikki Sahagin]

Just wanted to update.. watched the film swingers lol

it was funny how I could relate to it constantly checking for messages calls

not seeing anyone else and talking about him to complete strangers:sick:

I found it lovely how close his friends were to him.. you know looked out for him and told him straight.

I have never really had close friends.. a recent ex said I have like 2 walls around me.. made me feel a bit sad.

 

Anyway yea I still think of him but not miss him.. I want to think of him as a bereavement somehow.. sounds wrong though but i seriously want him out of my head.

I want the walls down too.. damn I want to feel love passion and all that jazz..

 

Great film.. bit i seriously related to was when one of them said that when you dont miss them is when it hurts the most.. ouch i felt that.

 

Im doing good staying strong.. hope everyone else is.. I miss you Fox;)

 

Sultry, i've just seen we are from the same area

 

Why do you think you have walls up?

[LostInTurn]

Oh man. I really, really feel for you. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I don't think I could love again like that if I wanted to. Haven't had a date in almost three years because I haven't felt attraction, and apparently nobody has felt it for me. Maybe when I stop dreaming about my ex every damn night things will change.

 

I understand where both of you are coming from. I've joined your boat and we're all sailing along together now.

 

I wonder though. Is it that we are incapable of loving again or are we so afraid to let someone in again and fear the hurt that could go along with it? One of you had mentioned dating someone and wanting to run when things got close for the two of you. That's your personal comfort zone, and something that you should be able to share with the other.

 

No matter how much hurt we feel. No matter the good traits someone had that we thought made them someone different, there is someone else in this world with those traits and more. Someone who will appreciate us and not allow us to hurt like this. Someone, who if they knew we were hurting like this, would show up at our door and not leave our side until we were ok.

 

I can say this because I don't think I ever want to love again. Because I look at the world in a twisted way now. I don't see the good in things anymore.

 

I thought this time was different, and in many ways it was. However, it was not perfect. There were still situations which were not right. Situations I was not happy with. Even though there was good and I had opened my heart more than I ever have... that showed me the love I'm capable of. It doesn't necessarily mean that the love I'm capable of was meant to be given to him for life. I struggle with that everyday and night. I too, have dreams.

 

Are you blaming yourself? Once you stop blaming yourself, you need to remember everything about your life which got you where you are. You need to remember who you were as a person. When you look in the mirror, do you see that person staring back at you? I know I don't. I had beautiful blonde hair which I dyed dark brown just the other day. Why? I am trying to hide.

 

Try being yourself for one day. See what it is like. It's just one day. If it's completely unbearable, go back to the state you're in. Just try... let me know how it goes.

[HopeLove]

In my case is getting nearly to 4 months since he brokeup with me and I still can't let him go. I know I should try harder but sometimes is like I can't help myself and do everything wrong. I still love him so much, miss him and think of him every single day. I feel so empty and full of fear. I have fear I will never feel the same love for anybody else and it scares me I won't feel these emotions ever again. I hope this won't be the case.

[SnowAngel3]

I'm on the same boat as everyone. It's been 1 month since we broke up, and I miss him a lot. I don't miss him as my boyfriend, but I miss having that kind of intimacy with someone (not just physical). I miss the connection I thought we had, someone to hold hands with, someone to let into the most private part of my mind, someone to kiss, someone to love. I miss having a connection with someone where we can just sit next to each other and without words, can feel absolutely at peace with each other. I miss him a lot, but I'm also not blinded by his "perfectness" anymore.

 

After a month of reflecting on the relationship, I was finally able to see him without all the "perfectness" that I associated with him when we were together. I saw him for how he really is, and saw his negative traits and "warning signs" that I didn't notice when we were together. Despite all this, I still miss him like crazy because I did truly care about him. And because I truly cared, it is going to take a while to stop caring.

[mickleb]

Hi sultry.

 

A break-up is a bereavment, of a kind. It is a loss and needs to be grieved for. And it is much better to accept it as over and 'dead' than it is to painfully hold on forever.

 

Sounds as though some close friends you can trust to watch your back is what you need to be focusing on. And trusting yourself, that you will be okay if you break down the walls and communicate, openly, who you are.

 

Great film.. bit i seriously related to was when one of them said that when you dont miss them is when it hurts the most.. ouch i felt that.

 

I love this film but I'm afraid that bit is bollocks. When you don't miss them you're glad. Unless you enjoy holding onto what brings you pain. Feeling sad about someone can make people feel closer to them, so they are afraid to let go and deal with just themselves.

 

Is it that we are incapable of loving again or are we so afraid to let someone in again and fear the hurt that could go along with it?

 

It's the last one.

 

Fear's a bugger. It'll make you do a whole load of stupid things that don't make you happy.

 

For those who have been broken up for - oo, let's say, a year - and still feel like this, I'll say it again: have you read 'He's Scared, She's Scared?' (For those who are not at that point yet, try flicking through it online at amazon and see if you think it could apply.)

 

Take care.

 

x