Best friend no longer....

[longlegzs80]

When I went to college, I used to have a really really good friend. Well, I thought she was. We used to go out, party, flirt with boys, go to clubs, go shopping, hang out and just talk etc. WEll, alot of stuff has happened and it started last year. She was at the time dating a 17 year old who was in high school and she was 22 in college. So, they have dated for several months and during that time, she totally devoted her time with him and did not want to do any of the fun things that we used to do with eachother.

 

Well, in October 2002, her and her man wanted to come to visit a college that is in my hometown. So, I offered to her and him to stay at the house with my mothers consent for the weekend while we were on break from college to view this one college that her and her man were interested in. That weekend was a living hell and she totally gave me the shaft while she was staying at the house. They both did not eat for the whole weekend that they stayed and my mom had made alot of stuff for them. Anyways, in a nut shell her and her boyfriend were completely rude to me and my mom. And that is one thing I hate, are rude people.

 

So, I took her and her man to the college to view it, and they did not even get a tour or go with the tour group I should say. I was waiting in my car for 2 1/2 hours knowing that the tour was lasting that long and they did not even tour the college with a tourguide. So, I was pissed. No doubt about that. They came to the car and told me that they did not even go on the tour and that they had eatten while at the college. I was truely pissed off.

 

So, with the day being as long as it was staying at the college and not even getting an appology, we had to go back to college which was a 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive and of course I was driving. There was no talking for the whole time in the car and they both were really really rude to me.

 

WEll, throughout the whole school year, she never talked to me or even exknowledged me. She began to talk to me at the end of April like nothing was wrong. Her and her man still dated, but then they ended up breaking up and that is when I noticed she wanted to talk to me.

 

So, this year, with her ex boyfriend being here in my hometown for only a term, she already had plans to go to this different college in my hometown. But lately she has been calling me alot and I don;t want anything to do with her. She was rude to me and I have mentioned once before on how her and her boyfriend were completely rude to me when they were staying at the house here and she says that that is how he is, he is very shy.

 

But, I want nothing to do with her. And she is comming to college her within a week or so, and I don't want to talk to her ever again. I just can't forgive and forget when someone is completely rude to me and my mother and then gives me the shaft up at college. So, now all of a sudden since she has no friends up her and no man, she thinks she can all of a sudden call me up like nothing is wrong and that we are totally best friends like we used to be. Screw that. So, what should I do? I don't answer the phone when she calls and my mother is always making up excuses to her. But I am serious. I don't want to talk to her ever and could care less that she knows no one in my hometown.

 

I just get so fed up getting treated like crap and then people think that that is okay. Well, I am not taking it and she can go kiss my stretchmark ass.

 

WOW, just had to vent alittle. But what should I do? Trying to give her the cold shoulder but apparently she is not getting the hint.

[Tony T]

I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and why and then let her know you no longer want her friendship. She doesn't sound like the type of person I would want for a friend either. I think you are making the right decision. She's a user and certainly not a true friend. It seems she's only around when she needs you for something.

 

She's not the kind of person many people would want for a friend.

[dyermaker]

Perhaps you can tell her that you really don't want to be friends with her, and would prefer if she would remove herself from your life.

[amerikajin]

Ditto.

[toots307]

You know, lots of people have really good friends that they feel they can count on no matter what. Most people change thier lives quite a bit when a new partner comes into it. You make new friends, you go to new places, you have to find time to spend with each other whereas prior to having the partner, the best friend could fill that time. Lucky for me, me best friend understands that and we don't see each other as much as we did in our university days but we still care about each other and we have a great time when we do get the chance to hang out. She's seen me go through lots of jerks that I KNOW she didn't like but she remained my friend and let me find out for myself what jerks they were. And, every time I ended a relationship I'd call her more and hang out with her more - she's my best friend - that's what best friends do.

 

I think it sounds like your friend needs support. I don't see why you can't just calmly explain to her how you felt when she came to your house with her man. I don't think it was rude for them to not eat - maybe they thought eating your mom's food was imposing. Your friend needs you - don't abandon her now. Talk to her - maybe she feels like an idiot for acting different but you won't know what she thinks unless you ask her.

 

Good luck.

[longlegzs80]

Okay, don't you find it very very odd if someone comes to your house for a weekend and does not eat? My mom is an excellent cook. But, I remember during the weekend of hell, I offered her something to eat and she said, "what do you want me to get fat"?

 

She was rude. Her boyfriend was rude. I guess I can only handle taking crap from someone for so long. And she was once my best friend, but she has taken a major twist. But too it could be because she was pregnant and had an abortion. But, still, she has totally acted strange and her boyfriend was strange.

 

Now, all she does is calls me. And I specifically tell her I have no life and I have nothing new to say. You would think she would get the hint that I don't want to talk or even listen to her for that matter. It is the same thing all the time, and she is too depressed and she won't be happy here and I don't want to here it from her.

 

She used me and then after that weekend, she ignored me for the whole school year til the end. And what, now I am all of a sudden good for her to talk to since she has no boyfriend or friends? Screw that. Don't toy with my ass.

[toots307]

Your friend really sounds like she is in a bad place. She's suffering from depression? If she needs help that doesn't have to be your problem but, you were once best friends. Maybe you can find it in your heart to be a support to her. Talk to her and encourage her to get some help. Yes she treated you like crap but she got the crap back tenfold by the sounds of it. Lick your wounds and put yourself in her shoes and be a friend or else tell her straight out you don't want anything to do with her anymore and tell her why.

 

And no, I don't find it odd for someone to not eat while a guest in someone's home.

[moimeme]

She used me and then after that weekend, she ignored me for the whole school year til the end. And what, now I am all of a sudden good for her to talk to since she has no boyfriend or friends? Screw that. Don't toy with my ass.

 

Other posters have suggested that you try to understand her situation from her point of view. I think they've given good advice. And no, it's not unusual for people to not eat when visiting - they probably felt they were imposing. Did your mother ever ask if they were planning to be at meals or did she just assume they'd be there?

[toots307]

For me, I TRY to treat people the way I would like to be treated. For the most part, that's what I get back from people but no matter who you are, there will always be someone in your life that uses you, or makes you mad or whatever - so what??? Nobody wins if you decide to just stop being the caring person that I'm sure you are. Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

[longlegzs80]

I don't know. I still think she totally treated me like absolute crap and now all of a sudden she treats me like a best friend. How long is this going to go on? Maybe till she meets new people, or maybe when she gets a boyfriend again and then gives me the shaft. It amazes me that she was so rude. And I HATE rude people. That is something that totally gets under my skin.

 

And yea, sure I should put myself in her shoes, but I am depressed just like she is, I deal with not being in my field just like her, have no true friends like her. There is so many things. I guess I can't forgive her.

 

And when I was up at school and we did start talking, I told her she has changed a great deal.

 

But the intention for that weekend was to eat at my house. So, I told her and her man to make themselves at home. Plus, she knows that I did not have much to be blowing so she should have known that we would be eatting at my house with no intention of going out to eat for the whole weekend.

 

I don't know. Find people like her to be a user. ANd I have to agree with Tony. She is a user and just with how she is with other people I can totally see it. What now I am good enough for her to talk to when she doesn;t have a boyfriend or any friends? I don;t think so. She did not even attempt to talk to me last year or even give me eye contact when she was with her boyfriend or even when she wasn't.

 

For a best friend like she was, and used to be letting a man get in the way of a friendship. Yeah, reall good one. And that is exactly what she did too. Her boyfriend did not like me at all, and I wasn't there to make him like me. I could give a you know what. I don't even think he liked it when she would hang out with me because we would do our usuall of going out and having fun. He had many insecurities. Thought she would always be hit on by other men which was something that happened.

 

So, pretty much we have gone on our separate ways. She calls and emails me, but I am sick and tired of being used. Because as soon as she meets new people and gets a boyfriend, she will do the same thing and ignore me or not have anything to do with me.

 

So, what does everyone think now? Sorry about the venting, but apparently this is something that is still bothering me.

[toots307]

Well, I think that there are lots of people in this world who are users. If she really makes you this mad and you really don't think she's the person you used to like enough to be best friends than maybe you should just ask her to get out of your life.

[moimeme]

Some people are users. Some just lose their way for a while. I had some friends in school who I'd not see much during the year because they hung out with some of the partiers, but we'd spend most of our summers together. I knew they needed to feel part of that gang but we were still friends. It's many years later now, and they are still my friends. They haven't seen the party crowd for years.

 

I've had other friends who acted like total jerks for a whle and then came back. Sometimes people are just going through stuff. If you really treasured her friendship and miss it, then give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't think people turn into users. They either are or they aren't but if she wasn't before, it would be strange, I think, for her to make such a big change.

[jenny]

what kind of stuff did she say that was rude, for example? i agree about the stuff you mentioned - why on earth were you in the car why they were on tour???

 

it helps to get a flavouring of it - my friends say horrendous unPC things; but that's how we show kinship and love. but we are very polite with gestures- holding doors open, helping with chores, etc.

[longlegzs80]

Jenny: To your questions: She said nothing that was rude, it was just her actions as she sat on the couch with her boyfriend whispering, and giving me the silent treatment all weekend long. And if that wasn't rude, she totally ignored me for majority of the year. Plus, her and her boyfriend never said thanks for letting them stay for the weekend and thanks for taking me up to the college. That is another pet peeve. People who don't say please or thank you.

 

She was never like this. Never. And I have known her for alittle more then over 4 years and she was never like this until she started dating the losser. But even before she came up, she was fine with me. So, I don't know.

 

So overall it was her actions and the silence treatment.

 

As for when the tour took place, I was kinda ticked that day from just her actions and his actions and I was getting truely annoyed. So, I did not want to go on the tour. I had no desire to look at a college that I could care less about. So, with thinking her and her boy were going on tour, they decided to walk around the college themselves without a proper tour and decided to eat, without even comming back to the car and asking me if I was interested in eatting.

 

So, I was pissed after that. Then had to drive back to college for 2 1/2 hours with the idots not talking to me and whispering to eachother. So, she was totally rude. And she is a user and always was. But, I never really thought she would use me just so her and her boyfriend could have a place to stay for the weekend. That was me being way too nice and not even getting a thank you. Was it worth it, no. My mother who thought when she meet my friend for the first time thought that she was totally fun, outgoing, good sense of humor etc. And she even mentioned that my friend totally was rude and not her self.

 

Which I could see things going on in her life, and that is understandable. But I do have questions about that weekend and why she totally ignored me throughout the whole school year.

 

Just don't understand. I just wish things could be the way they used to be, but I am thinking that the abortion thing had a truely huge affect on her and will effect her for the rest of her life with the action of getting the abortion done.

 

Well, I am going to still talk to her, but things will change when she meets someone else new and she will ignore me once again until everything is convenient to her then she will probubly pop up her and there.

[jenny]

o, baby. that's awful. i think this is a pre-emptive strike situation. dump her before she dumps you again. if you can seriously tell me one thing you're getting out of this relationship except pain, i'll back off. you're befriending a memory that girl years ago was cool; this one is a loser.

 

it's a hard thing to do to break up with friends; harder still because there is no real protocol established. but would you let a guy treat you this way? i doubt it.

 

phase her out, seriously. you can have a scene if you like, but she doesn't really deserve it, frankly. if you don't do it now, you only have yourself to blame the next time you get victimized and used. life is too short, and i promise there are some cooler female friends wandering around.

 

i would say maybe she just has different expectations of female friendships - i barely see mine but i love them- but it sounds like this is deliberate and new.

[longlegzs80]

Well, she has been making it a habit of calling me quite often for the past several months and I have been talking to her once in a blue moon, but yeah, she has to go. She is only warming up to me since she will be comming to my hometown which is 2 1/2 hours away from her home to go to college.

 

She has seriously lost out on a good friend, and we had some great times, but I can't forgive her and be used again. I know as soon as she is in the area she will be calling me to hang out, and yeah that might be okay, but I am not interested. She ruined our friendship. Well, I should say she ruined it along with her ex. But that is fine. I need positive people in my life. That is one thing I know of. And once I have positive people in my life, things will change for me in a good way.