6 months of NC, can we be friends again?

[Confused_Chump]

I originally meant to post this thread in this section of the forum rather than "Breaks and breaking up" section, so please remove the other one if I am going against any rules. Thanks.

 

Hey everyone, it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted here. I am currently confused with how I am feeling towards my ex and I was hoping to get some feedback from everyone. I first initiated NC 6 months ago because she started seeing someone else after our break up and it was too hard for me to watch since I still had feelings for her. She has since broken up with the guy. It was my intention to be friends with her again after I heal because we have great chemistry and she is a great person. I recently felt that I was ready to take the first step towards starting up our friendship again, so we had our first catch up session a few days back. It was a real positive experience and we talked about a lot of things, including her break up and her current crushes. I am now trying to analyze whether I am truly ready to maintain a steady friendship with her or do I need to head back into NC for awhile longer. Below is a summary of how I am currently feeling.

 

- I no longer feel that tightness/pain in the chest area when I think about her.

 

- I’ve accepted the fact that there will be no chance of reconciliation between us in terms of a romantic relationship.

 

- I extremely enjoy her company because we have these amazing conversations that I don’t experience with anyone else. This worries me because I have to remind myself every time that this won't be something that we can continue doing once we have SOs. I question whether or not I'll be able to handle it when that day comes.

 

- I felt awful and sad for her when I found out her heart was broken by the guy she was dating.

 

- I didn’t feel any pain/jealousy when we discussed her current crushes. Instead, I was ecstatic about the prospect of her finding someone that will make her happy, especially after her last heart break.

 

- I still think she is an attractive looking girl, but I don’t have any sexual desires towards her.

 

- I still think about her and wonder what she is up to from time to time. (This worries me a little)

 

- I still miss her at times. (This worries me a little)

 

From the list, I can see that I am on the right track when it comes to letting go of her. But I am confused whether my feelings for her are completely platonic. What is everyone else’s opinion on this?

[spriggig]

 

- I didn’t feel any pain/jealousy when we discussed her current crushes. Instead, I was ecstatic about the prospect of her finding someone that will make her happy, especially after her last heart break.

 

 

It took me YEARS to get to this point with past GF's.

[DenverBachelor]

Bottom line -- no. Plenty of people to be friends with besides the woman who left you. You have an ulterior motive here -- whether it is subconscious or not who knows.

[WTRanger]

- I didn’t feel any pain/jealousy when we discussed her current crushes. Instead, I was ecstatic about the prospect of her finding someone that will make her happy, especially after her last heart break.

 

- I still think she is an attractive looking girl, but I don’t have any sexual desires towards her.

 

If those are true, then just maybe you can be friends. But 6 months is still too short to not have at least subconscious motives in wanting to be close to her again.

 

They other major key, is caring about her yet having the desire to love another girl. Be her friend, yet seek another healthy relationship with another girl. Sure, you're happy about her dating again but what about you dating again?

[jlr]

I'd say don't.

 

I mean, though you give reasons that you're ok with it, the fact that you're deeply pondering it so much tells me you're still not there.

 

If it was no biggie, it'd be no biggie.

 

Just my opinion though.

[threebyfate]

Visualize the ex, sleeping with another guy. Paint this picture clearly in your mind, including sound effects. If you can handle this without a twinge of negative emotions, you're ready for friendship.

[Ilovecake]

This might sound weird but I'm convinced that the only way someone who's been hurt by a breakup should try the friendship route is if they're at a point where they no longer care if they're friends or not. If you're looking at NC as a time period sort of like a prison term or are trying to reestablish contact because your ex is single, or you think enough time went by it's not the right time. Friendship should be incidental; it shouldn't be purposely instigated by one party who's been waiting for six months for the right time. It’s one thing if it’s a chance run in and you decide to have coffee and hit it off. The fact that you have this grand plan and a list of reasons and excuses why you think you are ready to be friends makes me think that’s it way too soon for you and you’re definitely not ready and you are not even close to being over her. Like someone said above you smell of ulterior motive.

Edited March 19, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Confused_Chump]

I'd say don't.

 

I mean, though you give reasons that you're ok with it, the fact that you're deeply pondering it so much tells me you're still not there.

 

If it was no biggie, it'd be no biggie.

 

Just my opinion though.

 

This answer is straight to the point. I agree with you.

 

Visualize the ex, sleeping with another guy. Paint this picture clearly in your mind, including sound effects. If you can handle this without a twinge of negative emotions, you're ready for friendship.

 

Still slight cringes but no where near the chest pains/tightness that I had in the past. But the slight cringes are a sign that I am not ready.

 

 

Thanks for everyone's input. I spent quite a bit of time last night trying to figure out what my feelings for her were and after reading some other posts/threads, I found out that it's normal for those to still miss their ex despite the fact that they no longer want to have a relationship with them. I think they classify it as an emotional attachment. I believe this is where I am at now, the middle ground between heart broken and completely platonic.

 

I've decided to go NC again until I am able to withdraw my emotional attachment to her and I feel it's unfair to me and my future if I keep falling back into this hole every time I talk to her.