I've developed an aversion to sexuality.

[ChefDan17]

So I've come to realize that I'm averted to sexuality. Despite my desire, the events in my life have led me to just sabotage myself every time I am in a situation where I could escalate into sexuality over the last few months. The main reason being,

 

I've never had a positive experience with sexuality.

 

when I've let my girlfriends have control they avoided it making me feel like they didn't want me, even if the relationship started because I heard they had a crush on me. Then when I try to make a move, it blows up in my face. the few times I've hooked up, the girl and I will laugh and have a good time, but then suddenly a few days later it blows up in my face and I was taking advantage or making her do ****.

 

I mean, I understand this stuff happens to people. But my problem is that this is all I know.

 

I've never had a positive intimate memory, I didn't go to a normal college, I was a loner in highschool, so I didn't get that chance to sleep around. I feel like I'm at a permanent disadvantage fighting an uphill battle but the reward hardly seems worth it anymore. Not just the sex but the whole relationship and intimacy.

 

However, I still get horny, I still know how it feels to want a girl. But I just cant motivate myself to go for it.

 

everyone talks about how much fun sex is, but I just find it unrelatable and have never been the type to do things because everyone else is. I keep wanting that intimacy and closeness and energy, but I guess in psychological terms, I've only received negative reinforcement. I try to remember the last good memory of a girl I had, and it was my first girlfriend who never went farther than a kiss.

 

I'm not sure where this goes so I put it in this forum. I'm not socially inept, I talk and have a great time at parties. I just cant shake this on my own. I cant find any motivation within me to go for it.

 

and I cant afford a therapist ><

[JohnM]

Are you perhaps over analysing the moves and build up to action too much? When you have had negative past experiences the first thing that will effect your current actions is your past. You may become less and less likely to take a risk in a similar opportunity because it has previously gone badly. The negative inforcements of you bad times may lead you to slowly cut yourself off to the opportunities out there.

 

It sounds like you're having some bad luck out there in the world of relationships but I think you need to start positively reinforcing yourself. Try to push the bad times out, you'll never fully ignore them but you need to rationalise them.

 

You seem to be almost hitting a wall when it comes to a sexual encounter because you are comfortable with a girl only up until the point of kissing, because previous encounters have gone well until this point I presume? What changes when you get to the sex? Is it that you fear its the crisis point if you will, the point where you worry about ruining things by pressuring and making the moves, or the fear that you are being too passive and my miss the opportunity because you're waiting for the girl to make the move as an alternative?

 

Sorry for all the questions, it helps to look into each part of the process though and you'll start thinking where the snags in the pathway are.

[spiderowl]

I suppose a few things come to mind after reading your posting:

 

You seem rather distant from the girls you've had experiences with, as if no emotional bond had developed. You talk about 'the girl' in a remote way. I think you need to develop a friendship and emotional bond with a girl before trying to turn it into more. That way, you know she cares about you and vice versa. You know each other fairly well so sex becomes another part of the person to explore. You would be well aware by that stage whether it was something she wanted or not.

 

I can't imagine why a woman would claim you made her do something unless (a) she really did feel pressured, in which case you need to look at what you are doing to see if you are unintentionally pressuring the girls; (b) she didn't know you well and assumed you wanted a relationship when you were only interested in a casual thing; © you picked someone very young and inexperienced who felt guilty about what she'd done.

 

I also wonder whether you feel guilty about sex, whether something in your past has made you feel you shouldn't want it and you would be taking advantage of women if you did; then you would interpret everything they said as a sign that this was true. Also, despite all the publicity and talk in the media and everywhere, most people do not take sex lightly. If a girl sleeps with you, she is likely to feel it means something more to you than a one-nighter. If it doesn't, then at least warn her up front that you are not looking for a relationship at the moment.

 

Honestly, I think you are finding what many find - that sex is not as enjoyable unless you have a real connection with someone - emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.