When the handwriting is on the wall

[paperchase]

I'm in a relationship dying a slow death. I love her, and wish things could work, but I know there are too many obstacles. Still, I don't want to let go. She loves me and has expressed a desire to end things, but then has vacillated and so we remain a couple. Our relationship is now one where we don't communicate as much, don't spend as much time together and don't show the passion we used to, but we still go out, talk and are intimate.

 

So my question is do I wait to get dumped or do the dumping? I've been just avoiding the issue and acting like everything is fine. She has reminded me a few times that things are rocky and I can tell that she is stressed about how to resolve things. A part of me wants to let her off the hook because as much as I want her to be with me, I want her to be happy. A part of me wants to be the victim. Not a crying begging pathetic type, but I want to make it clear that I wanted things to work and that ending the relationship was not my choice.

 

My fear is that by dragging things out she will just wean herself off me until she secures a new man. This happened a year ago before she dumped him 3 months later begging for forgiveness. Seeing the handwriting on the wall, I have made an effort to meet someone new as well. I've been on a few dates on the nights my GF and I don't hang out. Not having sex with anyone else though. I'd never do that.

 

I'm sure folks are going to say I'm a coward and a cheater. Maybe I deserve that. I'm just trying to protect myself. After all, I've been on this site for two+ years over this girl and I doubt she's on the internet researching how to cope with the pain of dumping me.

[monkeymaid]

u are already broken up. from what i can see, you have 2 choices. decide that thiw will work, go see a therapist and make it work, or ....just leave her. no sense in being cowardly. you dont sound very hi an self esteem (im not either) but the best thing for both of you if you cant commit to working is to break up with her.

 

 

i remember you from early last year having problems. i think you helped me with my now ex as of 2.5 weeks ago. similar situation, but ill tell you, i have a sliver of self respect for seeing what the problems were, and leaving so we could both go through our ****.

[paperchase]

Only real options are ride it out or break it off. Counseling isn't an option right now. Had some success with it and should've probably kept it up or at least revisited it about 2 months ago before the apathy set in. I doubt think she's sufficiently motivated to go right now, and pushing the issue could accelerate her departure.

[EricaH329]

Only real options are ride it out or break it off.

 

Right. Those are the only two options. So my advice to you, would be to stop having one foot out of the door and act on one of those two options. If you are going to ride it out, then stop seeing other women. If you are going to break it off, do it now.

 

I know not everything is black and white. But IMO, you've already ended it with her. Imagine if the both of you were to work through things? Would you tell her about the dates you went on? If so, how do you think that would make her feel? The trust would be gone. The relationship has been broken.

 

I doubt think she's sufficiently motivated to go right now, and pushing the issue could accelerate her departure.

 

If pushing the issue of working on your relationship together, to make it a better and healthier one pushes her to leave you... well... then... i'm not sure how much that says about her dedication. Or will to remain in the relationship.

 

You've realized the life has been sucked out of this relationship, and so has she. You are both hanging onto something because it's comfortable. And that's no reason to hang onto a relationship, especially if that's the only reason.

 

While you are allowing her her space, I think you should seriously re-evaluate what you want in a relationship. Do you want to be with someone who has doubts about you? That doesn't want to work on the relationship because it's too stressful? Or do you want someone that will be by your side no matter what, even through the tough times? That cares enough to put in the effort it would take to rebuild the relationship?

[Twenty-ten]

If you don't want to let go and I assume you still love her, then instead of going out and finding more dates, why don't you sit your girl down and draft out a game plan to fix your relationship either in therapy or by tackling the issues that are holding your relationship down?

 

It doesn't make sense that you "don't want to let go" yet you are off finding other dates already....

[LovelyDaze]

It does sound like your relationship ran out of fresh air. If you both can't afford couples therapy, why not try just having a nice big talk where you both can dedicate an entire day(preferably more) to working on your relationship?

 

Make it brutally honest. Both of you express the problems in all areas from finances to sex. Then come to a conclusion on what you both want in the future and IF you want the other partner to even share in it.

 

I would also advise NOT dating a new person to "replace" your current GF. It is not a healthy option and you will only find yourself back in the same place with the NEW person.

 

If you guys breakup, spend time alone. Work on your goals, interests, spend time with good friends and family. This would give you the time you need to really heal from the past relationship.

[just1guy]

Just end it man. Take it from a guy who did the same thing and waited. The last four months of my past relationship were absolutely painful to watch and it got to a point where we were together because we were comfortable. Tried to spice things up romantically and even started to talk about marriage (I guess to define a goal or some excitment again) but in the end, we just weren't as intimate and close as we used to be.

 

I should have cut ties when I had the chance and not prolonged the pain which is making my healing even worse because it was the biggest regret that I have to accept.

[paperchase]

Right. Those are the only two options. So my advice to you, would be to stop having one foot out of the door and act on one of those two options. If you are going to ride it out, then stop seeing other women. If you are going to break it off, do it now.

 

I know not everything is black and white. But IMO, you've already ended it with her. Imagine if the both of you were to work through things? Would you tell her about the dates you went on? If so, how do you think that would make her feel? The trust would be gone. The relationship has been broken.

 

 

 

If pushing the issue of working on your relationship together, to make it a better and healthier one pushes her to leave you... well... then... i'm not sure how much that says about her dedication. Or will to remain in the relationship.

 

You've realized the life has been sucked out of this relationship, and so has she. You are both hanging onto something because it's comfortable. And that's no reason to hang onto a relationship, especially if that's the only reason.

 

While you are allowing her her space, I think you should seriously re-evaluate what you want in a relationship. Do you want to be with someone who has doubts about you? That doesn't want to work on the relationship because it's too stressful? Or do you want someone that will be by your side no matter what, even through the tough times? That cares enough to put in the effort it would take to rebuild the relationship?

 

You make good points. I am not going out on anymore dates. I was doing that as a proactive defense mechanism, but that's no excuse. I definitely have not ended it with her. She keeps raising the breakup issue every few days with her last statement being "I don't think we should be together" but she won't just break up...at least not yet. She'll say and do mean things or get distant and then apologize sometimes not until the next morning. I have told her that I want things to work, but that if they don't so be it. I've told her that i want her to be happy either way. I mean this things when I say it, but deep down I don't want to lose her.

 

This weekend was her birthday party and leading up to it was very strange. She asked if I was coming, indicated that her friends were acting weird because they don't approve of us or know the status of our relationship; told me they all hate me; notified me that she'd be mingling and that I was not to be attached to her hip. That hurt. I offered to not come due to the apparent awkwardness, but she wouldn't "uninvite me"...her words. So I went and to my surprise the entire time she was all over me. Kissing me, showing me off, introducing me as her boyfriend. I anticipated being ostracized and was going to use that mistreatment and my pride to force me into the tough decision to break it off. But like I said, she treated me great.

 

So I got ready to leave and she said she was going out with GF's and wanted me to pick her up from a club so she could stay a my place which I did. Next morning things seemed cool, then that night we didn't hang out like she suggested. Then I called and said I was looking forward to it, and she got snappy. I said I didn't understand and didn't deserve the attitude and that we had fun and were close and now she's being mean and distant. She then made an excuse to end the call. Said she'd call back but didn't.

 

This the next morning I get a msg emphasizing what a good time she had with me at her party and over the weekend, how she's sorry she made me feel "weird" and that she knows we are in a "weird" place but she apologized for hurting my feelings. I didn't say she hurt my feelings; I didn't address her comments the night before with a hurt tone. I basically said she was sending mixed signals and told her that I was just trying to follow her lead. I also told her that some of her friends were jealous of us and that when she gets older and looks back she will agree. I spoke frankly because I was a tad drunk, not sloppy though.

 

Whenever she expresses a desire to end things, I pretty much roll out the red carpet, not because I want her to go, but because I know that fighting it won't help. I did mention therapy once and I saw her shaking her head so I dropped it. I'd say she doesn't want to work things out that she wants to find a way out and that she doesn't quite know how. She's trying to wean herself off me and insulate herself emotionally at times. I think that's why she runs so hot and cold...due to her frustration. It's really sad because I believe we had something special and that external influences have taken a toll and brainwashed her. It's like she loves me but she's adopted the views of others who don't think we should be together. I know she has her independent concerns too but they are exacerbated by public opinion.

 

Her issues are my age, that I'm divorce and that I have two young children. She left me over these issues about a year ago and came back begging for another chance. We did some therapy and she said she could deal. Now she's raising them again. I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do.

[sativo]

What are your ages... if it's not a secret?

[paperchase]

It does sound like your relationship ran out of fresh air. If you both can't afford couples therapy, why not try just having a nice big talk where you both can dedicate an entire day(preferably more) to working on your relationship?

 

Make it brutally honest. Both of you express the problems in all areas from finances to sex. Then come to a conclusion on what you both want in the future and IF you want the other partner to even share in it.

 

I would also advise NOT dating a new person to "replace" your current GF. It is not a healthy option and you will only find yourself back in the same place with the NEW person.

 

If you guys breakup, spend time alone. Work on your goals, interests, spend time with good friends and family. This would give you the time you need to really heal from the past relationship.

 

Money is not an issue. She's just in a place right now where it doesn't seem like she wants to address anything so I've backed off. She expresses herself at times with mixed signals but we've never had a real conversation. One day she we came close but she didn't set it up in a way that could be constructive. She basically said she had these issues with me and asked what issues I had with her but the issues she had with me weren't ones I could address and I felt like if I tried to explain away anything she'd view it as me persuading her which would push her farther away. I just don't know what to do or say. I really don't know what to do or say anymore.

[paperchase]

24 and 37. No one believes I'm 37 though. I even had to show her my ID. I honestly look 29-31 tops and her friends can't believe my age either. Still doesn't change the fact that I'm much older.

[sativo]

I thought so. Let me guess... she's really hot too?

 

You're probably dealing with a bunch of stuff.

 

a) I'm taking a wild guess here, but does she have personality issues? Maybe she was abandoned, abused, etc in some way?

 

If so, she may not be able to (at her age) give and receive love.

 

b) In combination with (a), or as an alternative to it, she may just be too young to settle down. You can't convince her otherwise. She's going to feel claustrophobic and begin to resent you.

 

c) You're getting up there in age... so this not working out for you will DEFINITELY be harder on you than on her. You'll have thoughts like "I'll never find another young hottie like her again." That's probably why you're trying to sand-bag the break up and lessen the blow by seeing other people.

 

Be honest with yourself. Recognize that you're going to suffer here -- on some level, more than her.

 

So what are the options? Seems to me, the only strong move is what you've done a year ago. Break it off, and let her go. Maybe she'll realize that she needs you and will come back. But don't bank on that. Go NC and try to move on.

 

Or, let her break it off and you spent your remaining 30's wallowing in your pain and pining for her love.

[paperchase]

I thought so. Let me guess... she's really hot too?

 

You're probably dealing with a bunch of stuff.

 

a) I'm taking a wild guess here, but does she have personality issues? Maybe she was abandoned, abused, etc in some way?

 

If so, she may not be able to (at her age) give and receive love.

 

b) In combination with (a), or as an alternative to it, she may just be too young to settle down. You can't convince her otherwise. She's going to feel claustrophobic and begin to resent you.

 

c) You're getting up there in age... so this not working out for you will DEFINITELY be harder on you than on her. You'll have thoughts like "I'll never find another young hottie like her again." That's probably why you're trying to sand-bag the break up and lessen the blow by seeing other people.

 

Be honest with yourself. Recognize that you're going to suffer here -- on some level, more than her.

 

So what are the options? Seems to me, the only strong move is what you've done a year ago. Break it off, and let her go. Maybe she'll realize that she needs you and will come back. But don't bank on that. Go NC and try to move on.

 

Or, let her break it off and you spent your remaining 30's wallowing in your pain and pining for her love.

 

Right and wrong. Yes, she has personality issues and yes she's hot. She is very moody and cannot control her moods particularly during her cycle. She's a hottie, but I'm a very good looking man. She acknowledges the most handsome one she's ever dated.

 

At one point all she talked about was settling down, but certainly the winds have changed and she wants some freedom it seems. She used to be infatuated with me.. I know, not a good thing. Anyway, I haven't tried to get her to "settle down" but i did think maybe we'd be living together by now something she chose not to do.

 

Will I ever find another hottie like her? i think about that and I'm not worried. I'll meet other hot women, probably not at 21 like she was when we first me. Truthfully, I wish she were 27-30 because I think at that age she might be ready for the kind of commitment she's resisting now.

 

NC is the only way to go whether she dumps me or I break up with her. I just don't know whether it's better for me to do the dumping. Will I feel better. Will it increase the chances of any reconciliation? Am I jumping the gun? Is there another play right now, like just giving her space?

[sativo]

I'm not implying you're not good looking. I'm just saying, when you near 40, you have to be honest with yourself that the thought of landing another hottie like her may not happen.

 

If I'm right, that type of thinking could compel you to hold on to something that's clearly doomed.

 

If I'm wrong (i.e. you're truly not worried about that issue), then what's the real problem in letting go?

 

You've admitted that the relationship has grown stale and that you're weary of it too. So why are you fighting to keep it alive -- particularly more than she is? What's keeping you in it?

 

I guess the way I read your situation is like a defendant waiting for the jury to come back with a verdict. You're in a state of limbo... with her having all the cards.

 

If you're not comfortable with limbo, then make your move. If you're okay with letting things play themselves out naturally, then do nothing.

 

---

 

As for who dumps who first, and chances of reconciliation... I don't think any of that matters in the long run. I could be wrong about that, but in my experience, I've dumped the girl only to have her be the one to end the relationship. In other words, I wanted her back -- but she didn't want it. Likewise, I've dumped the girl, and she stalked me and pined for my affections. It's all a matter of what's in her heart. I think you know.

Edited March 22, 2010 by sativo

[sativo]

She used to be infatuated with me.. I know, not a good thing.

 

This for me is particularly telling. Usually healthy people don't act in a way that would cause this type of description. Perhaps you're mixing her unhealthy infatuation for an expression of healthy love?

 

The two are completely unrelated. People who have been abandoned or abused, tend to cling to others desperately, but not out of a sincere desire for them, but rather a fear of being alone.

 

Are you just some "body" to her, or are you somebody special?

 

Don't waste the best years of your life trying to change a young girl who has these issues. In the end, even if you "fix" her, she'll likely walk away and won't even thank you for all your help and sacrifice.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[paperchase]

You've admitted that the relationship has grown stale and that you're weary of it too. So why are you fighting to keep it alive -- particularly more than she is? What's keeping you in it?

 

I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I don't want to be alone. It also has to do with the fact that I'm holding on to how great things were instead of the reality of how bad things are. I am terrible at ending relationships. I just don't have a good exit strategy whether I'm getting dumped or I want to end things myself. I don't know if it's worse to be in limbo or to extinguish the flickering flame. i guess if I knew that, I'd have made a decision by now.

 

I think it's natural to wonder if you'll ever meet someone new but we all know that it happens. Will the person be better? I hope so. I can make sure they are better for me, but I guess I can't ensure they are prettier or as young. Maybe the prettier part. This just sucks, sucks, sucks. And no I don't want to waste these precious years in a dead end relationship, at the same time I feel that as a man I'm still young. Yeah, at 40 women in their early mid 20s maybe 20s period will be off limits, but I don't seek out young women. Also, early 30s is definitely in the ball park.

[sativo]

What if you give her an ultimatum? You get the ball rolling, so to speak, but let her be the one to make the cut.

 

Example: set up a meeting with a relationship therapist, and tell her if she wants it to work, she'll go to therapy with you. If she doesn't show up... then she's made it clear she doesn't want to move forward. That draws an unambiguous line between action and inaction.

[paperchase]

What if you give her an ultimatum? You get the ball rolling, so to speak, but let her be the one to make the cut.

 

Example: set up a meeting with a relationship therapist, and tell her if she wants it to work, she'll go to therapy with you. If she doesn't show up... then she's made it clear she doesn't want to move forward. That draws an unambiguous line between action and inaction.

 

That's a thought. I'm pretty sure she's not willing to do therapy right now. I could just ask her to go and if she says no throw in the towel instead of having a bill for her no-show, although your way is more dramatic kinda like sex in the city movie where they meet on the bridge. With the pressure she's feeling a suspect an ultimatum could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and they I give her an out. He was impatient and wouldn't give me time to sort out my feelings.

[EricaH329]

NC is the only way to go whether she dumps me or I break up with her. I just don't know whether it's better for me to do the dumping. Will I feel better. Will it increase the chances of any reconciliation? Am I jumping the gun? Is there another play right now, like just giving her space?

 

I think those are all the wrong questions. The main question is (and always should be): Is this healthy and productive? And if not, what am I going to do to change the situation? If she is not willing to make this relationship a healthy one, then you need to get out of it. You are 37 years old, you shouldn't have the patience to deal with an out of control 24 year old who has absolutely zero control over her emotions.

 

I don't know if it's worse to be in limbo or to extinguish the flickering flame. i guess if I knew that, I'd have made a decision by now.

 

I used to live my life like that. And to an extent, I think I still do. I have the hardest time giving up on something that shows the faintest signs of hope. Let me tell you, it's pure torture.

 

You, and only you, knows what's best for you and your limits and expectations. I have a feeling that you are bending every aspect of those things to remain with her. And while compromises should be made in relationships, if the other person is not compromising anything... it's really a dead end road.

 

With the pressure she's feeling a suspect an ultimatum could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and they I give her an out. He was impatient and wouldn't give me time to sort out my feelings.

 

What about you?! What about how you are feeling right now?! Doesn't that count for anything?? This girl isn't taking into consideration how she is making you feel, instead she wants to be selfish and worry about only herself. This should be the best example of how some people just simply do not care about others, and their effect on others. And this is when you should start being selfish yourself.

 

The more you talk about this girl, the less I like her. It's not fair what she is putting you through. She is not treating you with respect. She is not showing symapthy, or half the decency you are showing her. This makes me sick

[paperchase]

EricaH329,

 

Thanks so much for your perspective. You seem like a very considerate woman. My needs do matter but when in love sometimes we compromise more than we should. The relationship wasn't always one-sided though in her favor. There was a time when she really catered to my needs too, she feels at the expense of her own. We are talking over a year ago though.

 

Right now she's definitely putting me through it and I'm hurting bad. But I've been here before and when she finally pulled the plug last time the pain was much worse than not knowing. I don't think it will be as bad this time because I'm not in denial like I was then. I was desperately clinging on and pretty much trying to convince her to stay. Even after we were officially broken up, I thought we were working things out until one day, after she kept avoiding coming over and sex had stopped, I confirmed that she had replaced me. I was devastated.

 

Right now, after a weekend together, I see her avoiding making plans and being non-committal again so the weaning process is definitely underway.

[EricaH329]

EricaH329,

 

Thanks so much for your perspective. You seem like a very considerate woman. My needs do matter but when in love sometimes we compromise more than we should. The relationship wasn't always one-sided though in her favor. There was a time when she really catered to my needs too, she feels at the expense of her own. We are talking over a year ago though.

 

Right now she's definitely putting me through it and I'm hurting bad. But I've been here before and when she finally pulled the plug last time the pain was much worse than not knowing. I don't think it will be as bad this time because I'm not in denial like I was then. I was desperately clinging on and pretty much trying to convince her to stay. Even after we were officially broken up, I thought we were working things out until one day, after she kept avoiding coming over and sex had stopped, I confirmed that she had replaced me. I was devastated.

 

Right now, after a weekend together, I see her avoiding making plans and being non-committal again so the weaning process is definitely underway.

 

It sounds to me like she is using you when she feels like it's most convenient for her. Making you feel guilty that you aren't giving her the 'space' that she needs, yet, in turn, she is making you feel bad about yourself.

 

I completely understand that we compromise a lot more than we should while loving someone. I just got out of a very unhealthy year and a half relationship with a guy, which dragged on much much longer than it should have, because I thought that love (the hope that it brings) would be enough. I got to a point where I realized that carrying all of the unhealthy baggage from our relationship was just not fair, and not worth it. The amount of compromising I was putting in, didn't compare to the scraps he was putting in.

 

It wears on you after awhile. And because I am very familiar with your situation, I know how this is going to end. Which it will, end that is.

 

Basically it all comes down to how far you are going to allow yourself to be dragged down before you've had enough. No amount of time in the world is going to want to make her stay (sorry to say), but she has already made up her mind. I'm not sure if you've heard people on LS say, 'Most females break up with someone, having already thought a ton about it.' Not only is she thinking about it, but you are allowing her to use you to get over you (if that makes sense to you). She is weaning herself off of you, on her terms. By the end of all of this, not only will she be able to break up with you, but she'll be completely over you.

 

This is not fair to you. You are sitting around, hoping and trying everything you can, to stay with her... all the while she is going on about her daily life getting over you.

 

Where's the self respect that I know you have? It most certainly shouldn't overpower any love that you have for anyone else. I believe that it's time to walk away from this. No matter if you do it, or if she does it, it'll hurt. But the quicker you get it done and over with, the quicker you are able to start the healing process. And the quicker you get out of a situation that only degrades you as a human being.

[sativo]

I have to agree with EricaH329.

 

The only thing that would stop me from ending it is the thought of letting the inevitable play itself out. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, you lose more respect for yourself. But at the same time, you leave no room for doubt.

 

Unfortunately, this type of thinking isn't always productive. What I've found is that, despite exhausting all doubt, with enough time, I still wonder and doubt and wish it worked out.

 

I guess my point is... there's no escaping the pain of a break-up. It sucks all around. But with enough time, you get to a point where you see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just getting to that point myself. Though admittedly, I still have a while to go before I reach that light.

[paperchase]

Erica/Sativo,

 

You both have good points of view. Erica says to end it with dignity because it will end. I hate accepting this but she's right. My GF is weaning herself off me...using me...and I guess I'm using her too except it's hurting me more than her since I really want things to work.

 

You say to maybe stay the course just to be sure. That's been my thinking and I can do that so long as I am treated with respect and honesty. I don't think her mind is 100% made up to leave because I've seen her behavior first hand when she gets to that point. There would be no waffling or push and pull. Sex would have been cut-off.

 

She would be downright cruel if necessary to get the space she wants and she would be too busy to entertain me at all. That's how it was by the time I found out she had a BF last time around. She had a force field around her and there was nothing I could say or do that did not irritate the heck out of her. We aren't there yet, but we are probably one big argument from getting there. It's like she's waiting for me to give her a reason to help cement her decision.

 

Can I give her space with the thought that absence makes the heart grow fond? I haven't done anything to preclude things from working out except maybe sticking around while she waffles...but we still a "couple". But no begging, or groveling or suffocation, not even wearing her out by talking. It's just that her interest level is clearly lower than mine. Too low to get her back to a couples counselor although that helped us so much for the few times we went a while back.

 

We see each other half as much, communicate half as much, have sex half as much and act sweet half as much. She no longer does the little things she used to do like laundry or the occasional cooked meal. She seems to want to see me, if at all, when my kids aren't around and they adore her. I think she's detaching herself from them too.

 

So if I break it off do I still do NC? This is something I always wanted to know.

[paperchase]

It sounds to me like she is using you when she feels like it's most convenient for her. Making you feel guilty that you aren't giving her the 'space' that she needs, yet, in turn, she is making you feel bad about yourself....She is weaning herself off of you, on her terms. By the end of all of this, not only will she be able to break up with you, but she'll be completely over you.

 

Maybe my goal should be to use this small window to wean myself off of her as well. How does her spending any time with me help her to get over me. I need to understand that mindset to see if I can use it for my own healing. It's not that I think she's the perfect girl, it's just that I love her and have only known her for the past 2.5 years.

 

...Where's the self respect that I know you have? It most certainly shouldn't overpower any love that you have for anyone else. I believe that it's time to walk away from this. No matter if you do it, or if she does it, it'll hurt. But the quicker you get it done and over with, the quicker you are able to start the healing process. And the quicker you get out of a situation that only degrades you as a human being.

 

I do have self respect and I don't know where it is. I felt like if she disrespected me at her bday party that would have been enough to snap me out of this daze. It's inherently degrading to stick around when someone decides you're not good enough for them which is basically what they are saying when they say they want to see other people or take a break. They believe there's something better out there which hurts.

 

Maybe I'm blind but I don't see anything specifically she's done to degrade me. I'm mean yes she's being selfish but I do think she's confused and at 24 I doubt she's really mature enough to leave without somewhere to run. Heck, I don't seem mature enough to do that either.

[EricaH329]

I don't think her mind is 100% made up to leave because I've seen her behavior first hand when she gets to that point. There would be no waffling or push and pull. Sex would have been cut-off.

 

Let me ask you something, honestly. Is this the type of relationship you want to be in for the long run? When your SO needs space, this is how they treat you? Because you know that if this is to happen again, you will have to go through this same situation aaallll over again.

 

That's how it was by the time I found out she had a BF last time around.

 

Wait.... what?!? Did I miss something? Are you saying that she had a bf while the both of you were together? Or did this happen when you guys were broken up?

 

Can I give her space with the thought that absence makes the heart grow fond? I haven't done anything to preclude things from working out except maybe sticking around while she waffles...but we still a "couple". But no begging, or groveling or suffocation, not even wearing her out by talking. It's just that her interest level is clearly lower than mine. Too low to get her back to a couples counselor although that helped us so much for the few times we went a while back.

 

Isn't that what you are giving her already though? Space? I thought the both of you weren't seeing eachother as much already? What are you going to do now? Completely remove yourself?

 

As far as her interest level goes, it sounds to me like she can't keep it high enough to last awhile before her 'interest level' crashes back down again. Has she given you reasons as to why she needs this space? Or is it just because she isn't feeling the relationship like she used to?

 

So if I break it off do I still do NC? This is something I always wanted to know.

 

It doesn't matter who breaks it off, NC would be appropriate. You need to heal after the break up happens, regardless of who ends up pulling the plug.

 

Maybe my goal should be to use this small window to wean myself off of her as well.

 

I don't agree with this. Personally, I believe that if you are in a relationship, you need to be giving it 100%. If there ever comes a time where you feel as though you need to detach yourself from the relationship, then it's time to break up. I don't believe in 'one foot in the door, the other out' concept. But, that's just me.

 

They believe there's something better out there which hurts.

 

Everyone is different. And because of that reason, everyone has different needs. Different expectations, and different interests. Just because one person doesn't fit their criteria, does not mean in any way that they are any less of a person. It simply means that they are not right for that other person.

 

Maybe I'm blind but I don't see anything specifically she's done to degrade me.

 

It's inherently degrading to stick around when someone decides you're not good enough for them which is basically what they are saying when they say they want to see other people or take a break.

 

You've answered your own question.

 

I'm mean yes she's being selfish but I do think she's confused and at 24 I doubt she's really mature enough to leave without somewhere to run. Heck, I don't seem mature enough to do that either.

 

I could be wrong, but I honestly don't see you sticking around just because there's no where else to go. I see you sticking around because you love her. Because you really want this to work. If I thought for one second it was because you were afraid of being alone, I wouldn't bother.

 

Like I said earlier, everyone has different needs and wants. Maybe she isn't ready to settle down. Maybe she isn't ready for a mature relationship. I'm about to be 23, and I can tell you that I am ready to settle down. I would never run from something that I honestly believed could make me happy. But, that's just me. And what it basically comes down to, is what you need and want, and are ready for. If this isn't it, then no matter how much you love her, it'll never work.

Edited March 23, 2010 by EricaH329