When the handwriting is on the wall

[EricaH329]

I've never not had a woman or two I could call. I suck at being alone. It is confirmed I have abandonment issues. I had sex last night. I didn't intend to. I didn't think it was even a possibility. I don't think that was worse than sitting around alone pining for my ex. I'm looking for anyway to pass the time right now because it seems to be standing still. I don't know how to fix myself although I know I need fixing. And yes, wallowing is a habit. I have formed it well. Why do I want this so bad even though it's clearly not good for me? We were gorgeous together; like movie starts. I'm not exaggerating. Why were so many people so committed to keeping us apart? See, I am broken.

 

Take a few deep breaths and count to 10. Ready? Go!

 

All done? Ok. Now i'd like for you to read this post over again. Tell me this isn't a ridiculous post. You are taking one problem, and multiplying it until it becomes 10 different problems. On top of that, you are creating self-destructive habits to cope with all of them.

 

You are a grown man. You know that this is no way to live with yourself. How well is your thinking pattern (and actions) working out for you right now? Not very well, i'm assuming.

 

I think we can both agree that something needs to change. And it needs to change now, not in a couple of days... or a week... or a month. Right now. First thing is first. Stop seeing other women! I can't stress this enough! These abandonment issues do not work themselves out. You need to work through them. Stop feeding into the problem! It's only making it worse! If you are going to come out of this sane, I suggest dealing with these problems.

 

Second, I don't care if the both of you were the best looking couple on the face of the planet. There's so much more to being in a loving relationship than that!

 

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I would suggest seeking counseling. They will help you take the necessary steps towards becoming a better you, and working through these issues.

 

You are walking a fine line. Only you have the decision about which side of the line you would like to end up on. The emotionally healthy, secure, confident, independent side. Or, the self-pitying, destructive, depressed side. Your call. Which one is it going to be?

[paperchase]

Take a few deep breaths and count to 10. Ready? Go!

 

All done? Ok. Now i'd like for you to read this post over again. Tell me this isn't a ridiculous post. You are taking one problem, and multiplying it until it becomes 10 different problems. On top of that, you are creating self-destructive habits to cope with all of them.

 

You are a grown man. You know that this is no way to live with yourself. How well is your thinking pattern (and actions) working out for you right now? Not very well, i'm assuming.

 

I think we can both agree that something needs to change. And it needs to change now, not in a couple of days... or a week... or a month. Right now. First thing is first. Stop seeing other women! I can't stress this enough! These abandonment issues do not work themselves out. You need to work through them. Stop feeding into the problem! It's only making it worse! If you are going to come out of this sane, I suggest dealing with these problems.

 

Second, I don't care if the both of you were the best looking couple on the face of the planet. There's so much more to being in a loving relationship than that!

 

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I would suggest seeking counseling. They will help you take the necessary steps towards becoming a better you, and working through these issues.

 

You are walking a fine line. Only you have the decision about which side of the line you would like to end up on. The emotionally healthy, secure, confident, independent side. Or, the self-pitying, destructive, depressed side. Your call. Which one is it going to be?

 

I've seen plenty of counselors. Individual, marriage, pastoral. I'm in touch with my strengths and weaknesses. I'm particularly emotional right now because of everything going on in my life.

 

So last night I broke NC. It wasn't my fault. I ran into her in a bookstore/cafe/lounge 3 blocks from my house. Fortunately she was with her girlfriend and not another guy. We talked for a bit. She was happy to see me. Said how great I looked. Pointed out some kids books she claimed to think ab for my kids. Commented on my hair looking nice and my new facial hair. Touched my face. I touched hers. Asked about a job offer I've been weighing which has me relocating. She thinks I should take it because it's a lot of money. That hurt a bit because we talked about moving relocating together.

 

She said she thought ab calling me to ask for a restaurant recommendation for her and her girlfriend who was visiting but she figured out something. Her girlfriend excused herself for a bit; perhaps so we could talk. She acknowledged we hadn't spoken for a bit. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I placed my hands on the sides of her face and planted a short but full kiss on her lips then turned about and left.

 

Today, I get this text: "So u deleted me frm bbm and blocked me from twitter. Wow lol."

 

I wanted to reply: "joking ab me on twitter was in poor taste. glad ur amused."

 

The thing is I blocked her before I ran into her n now I regret it a bit. Somebody tell me what I should do here. Now that I saw her, I'm uncertain how/whether to conduct NC.

[northstar1]

Sorry you had to run into her man. But I'm going to be direct here:

 

Well, even with running into her, nothing has changed. You're still broken up, she's still the same person. It's still not going to work.

 

All breaking NC (or adding her back to BB)is going to do is keep you in limbo that much longer. She gave you grief about deleting her because she's young, immature and the lack of attention kicked her ego a bit. That is all. Don't mistake it for her wanting to come back.

 

The choice is yours: Stay in her circle of drama and continue to be hurt over and over again because she doesn't want anything serious.

 

or:

 

Walk away, forget about her, find your happiness and pride again and leave her in the past.

[EricaH329]

Sorry you had to run into her man. But I'm going to be direct here:

 

Well, even with running into her, nothing has changed. You're still broken up, she's still the same person. It's still not going to work.

 

All breaking NC (or adding her back to BB)is going to do is keep you in limbo that much longer. She gave you grief about deleting her because she's young, immature and the lack of attention kicked her ego a bit. That is all. Don't mistake it for her wanting to come back.

 

The choice is yours: Stay in her circle of drama and continue to be hurt over and over again because she doesn't want anything serious.

 

or:

 

Walk away, forget about her, find your happiness and pride again and leave her in the past.

 

This is the best advice that anyone could give at this point.

 

You will more than likely run into her again at some point, just keep it short. No need for kissing or even hugging. She threw you to the wolves, why would you want to show affection to her?

 

I really hope you didn't unblock her.

[paperchase]

No I didn't unblock her or add her back to my bbm contacts. I figured doing so was too risky. One it showed that I cared what she thinks and I really don't want her to have any insight into how i feel. To she could have declined my reinvitation and I'd feel like a fool. Kinda like when you break NC and don't get the response you want. As it stands, she sent me a text and I've said nothing and it feels better that way. I COULD tell her why I deleted her but that could go bad too. What if she doesn't acknowledge my response or sends another LOL or something pithy like "suit urself" or something jerky like "if ur gonna be sensitive like that then u did the right thing."

 

The ONLY reason I want to respond is in this instance I want her to know that she got blocked for the post in poor taste not because I'm mad or can't handle following her. I did two really bold things that people take personally. I could have unfollowed her and avoided reading her posts but I blocked her which means she cant even see my profile. I could have kept her on bbm too. And like I said I wish she saw what I did before we met because I'm assuming she saw it today which means she thinks I did it after our chance encounter.

[paperchase]

Sorry you had to run into her man. But I'm going to be direct here:

 

Well, even with running into her, nothing has changed. You're still broken up, she's still the same person. It's still not going to work.

 

All breaking NC (or adding her back to BB)is going to do is keep you in limbo that much longer. She gave you grief about deleting her because she's young, immature and the lack of attention kicked her ego a bit. That is all. Don't mistake it for her wanting to come back.

 

The choice is yours: Stay in her circle of drama and continue to be hurt over and over again because she doesn't want anything serious.

 

or:

 

Walk away, forget about her, find your happiness and pride again and leave her in the past.

 

That was well said. Adding her to bbm won't keep me in limbo. It's just a way for her to reach me. Deleting her was a little over the top but screw it now. Adding her back just makes me look wishy washy like I'm playing games. And I don't mistake her bread crumbs for her wanting to come back. Remember, I've been down the NC road before and so I got tossed alot of breadcrumbs before she finally came beating down my door saying I love you, I miss you and I'll do anything to make it work. I said counseling. We went two or three times and stopped. A year later here I am again.

 

I do wonder if she will just leave me be or if she will increase the bread crumb count this time? I'm not saying I want her to pursue me I'm just wondering if NC has the same effect when used more than once. I know it has the same healing power, but I wonder if the absence making the heart grow fond stuff applies. I mean it's easier for me to ignore her this time so I would assume it's easier for her to be ignored. Anyway...

 

I really don't want to be in her circle of drama. I am notorious for trying to fix broken women when I should be fixing me. I look at what could be instead of what is. I'm stuck on what we used to be instead of what we are. Someone once posted that I'm having trouble because I'm older and she's younger and I think I'll never land a hot young girl again. Wrong! I've been going out with someone her same age that is pursing me very hard. I'm just not mentally there. I know, I know Erica.

 

I just keep thinking she'll change. She'll mature. She'll see that I'm the best there is and she'll stop searching for better. I remember her once saying that she was always searching for better until she found me n that's how she knew i was the one. We've dated longer than she's ever been in a relationship. I guess this is all irrelevant but on I ramble. Better than texting her.

[northstar1]

That was well said. Adding her to bbm won't keep me in limbo. It's just a way for her to reach me. Deleting her was a little over the top but screw it now. Adding her back just makes me look wishy washy like I'm playing games. And I don't mistake her bread crumbs for her wanting to come back. Remember, I've been down the NC road before and so I got tossed alot of breadcrumbs before she finally came beating down my door saying I love you, I miss you and I'll do anything to make it work. I said counseling. We went two or three times and stopped. A year later here I am again.

 

I do wonder if she will just leave me be or if she will increase the bread crumb count this time? I'm not saying I want her to pursue me I'm just wondering if NC has the same effect when used more than once. I know it has the same healing power, but I wonder if the absence making the heart grow fond stuff applies. I mean it's easier for me to ignore her this time so I would assume it's easier for her to be ignored. Anyway...

 

I really don't want to be in her circle of drama. I am notorious for trying to fix broken women when I should be fixing me. I look at what could be instead of what is. I'm stuck on what we used to be instead of what we are. Someone once posted that I'm having trouble because I'm older and she's younger and I think I'll never land a hot young girl again. Wrong! I've been going out with someone her same age that is pursing me very hard. I'm just not mentally there. I know, I know Erica.

 

I just keep thinking she'll change. She'll mature. She'll see that I'm the best there is and she'll stop searching for better. I remember her once saying that she was always searching for better until she found me n that's how she knew i was the one. We've dated longer than she's ever been in a relationship. I guess this is all irrelevant but on I ramble. Better than texting her.

 

The fact you realize you try and fix broken/immature women is a big step to stop trying to do this in the future. It's usually a venture with diminishing returns. And if they are immature or have unresolved issues, you'll forever be trying to walk on eggshells around them to keep things balanced.

 

Your ex might mature and realize what she lost, so might mine. But you stick around waiting. It might be months or years and that is one ride you don't want to be a part of.

 

I know you are enjoying the youth, energy and sexual energy these girls her age exude, and it can be a good distraction and ego boost for a while. But think about what you truly want Paper. Do you want just a fun time that might last a week or 6 months and then end with drama, or do you want someone to build your life around? Because it is damn rare you will find a girl in her early 20s who knows what they want or be ready to set down anything serious.

[stillafool]

oh god I gotta delete her from twitter and her girlfriend. I just read a thread where everyone's all chummy talking about a movie that my ex and one of her gf's went to but they didn't invite the other. the other is upset so the explanation is that my gf made her go by threatening to get [insert my name] on her. I'm supposed to be a no nonsense guy but the joke was in poor taste under the circumstances.

 

 

Yes for your own good delete her from everything. She wanted to move on and it shouldn't matter to you if it angers her that she no longer has contact. She has flip flopped time and time again as to what she wants. Everytime she comes back you are at square one again. It is never, ever going to change and you have to remember this. The only way you could even think of taking her back is if she came begging that she had made a mistake, is willing to accept your children, and do everything possible to make you secure that she means it. It doesn't look like she is going to do that and you have to move on for yourself and not expect her to ever contact you again or you will hold out hope. You have to give up all hope that you will ever get back together. That is the only way you can move on. I feel for you.

[stillafool]

.

 

Second, I don't care if the both of you were the best looking couple on the face of the planet. There's so much more to being in a loving relationship than that!

 

 

I have to agree. How superficial can one be? As you know by now, looks will not keep two people together.

[stillafool]

I know you are enjoying the youth, energy and sexual energy these girls her age exude, and it can be a good distraction and ego boost for a while. But think about what you truly want Paper. Do you want just a fun time that might last a week or 6 months and then end with drama, or do you want someone to build your life around? Because it is damn rare you will find a girl in her early 20s who knows what they want or be ready to set down anything serious.

 

 

You want a woman who will want to be a step mom to your kids don't you? There aren't too many girls in their 20's who want to step up to that plate. If you found one she probably wouldn't be the type you would want.

[paperchase]

Well, I've been seeing a 25 year old. I'm not in the right frame of mind but she has come on strong, knows my whole story and is speaking in a way to suggest she wants something long term. It's really early but I'm just a skeptic because all women say the perfect things in the beginning. I told her I'm not over my ex but that one day I do want to remarry and have more kids. I don't go after younger women; I just somehow seem to meet them in recent years.

 

By the way, for those who read earlier in this thread that my ex wife filed a bogus protective order against me...well, it got dismissed today. Judge said she lacked credibility. Yay!

[stillafool]

Maybe it is the places you frequent that only exposes you to younger women. Perhaps you should try other places where more mature women hang out.

[paperchase]

Sometimes it's the places I go, but I think it's just more the vibe I give off. I live in a major city in a hip urban neighborhood and there are wide age ranges at most of the hot spots. Plus, I'm really young at heart. I think a younger woman is best for me assuming they are mature.

 

Anyway, I haven't been in a good place with respect to the ex. Broke NC, acted a fool, just really unable to deal with the way everything was cut off so fast and on the heels of telling me that we were in a good place. I just don't take rejection well. I posted this thread called handwriting on the wall but somehow when it all ended I still didn't see it coming. She asked me not to contact her again so needless to say I'm back on the NC bandwagon.

[EricaH329]

Sometimes it's the places I go, but I think it's just more the vibe I give off. I live in a major city in a hip urban neighborhood and there are wide age ranges at most of the hot spots. Plus, I'm really young at heart. I think a younger woman is best for me assuming they are mature.

 

Anyway, I haven't been in a good place with respect to the ex. Broke NC, acted a fool, just really unable to deal with the way everything was cut off so fast and on the heels of telling me that we were in a good place. I just don't take rejection well. I posted this thread called handwriting on the wall but somehow when it all ended I still didn't see it coming. She asked me not to contact her again so needless to say I'm back on the NC bandwagon.

 

You have gotta stop doing this to yourself.

[paperchase]

You have gotta stop doing this to yourself.

 

Tell me about it. It just all got overwhelming Monday night. Getting dumped and then shut out has to be about the worst feeling. We all seek answers and closure, our 30 seconds of fame. This was like reverse NC. As she said, she thinks it's best to just rip off the bandaid so her resolve was strong. Well ripping off the bandaid left me feeling like I was bleeding to death.

 

It's all unhealthy though. I know she's no good for me but I want her in my life. Why am I drawn to the wrong people? I held on for dear life to save my marriage with another woman who was terrible for me. My life improved a thousand fold once it was over. I'm sure in time this will be a blessing but right now I'm really struggling with everything and seeing a picture of my ex in a bikini at a swim party over the weekend didn't help.

 

Right now, there's very little joy in my life. All the things that make me happy don't anymore. I just want the pain to stop and to be able to have fun again. If I could get hypnotized to forget her I'd do it right now.

[northstar1]

Paper

 

It seems you are drawn to women who don't respect you and walk all over you.

Recognition of this is a first step. Now you need to come up with a plan to stop this pattern. Find a woman who wants what you want.

 

Now that you've been burned by your ex, don't you think it is time to truly embrace NC? You don't need your ex. You need to find happiness on your own.

 

Stop chasing the young hotties who stroke your ego initially, then destroy it when they get bored and leave.

 

You talk the talk of being a hip urban player who goes to the good places to pick up young girls, but you are more sophisticated than that. You actually want a relationship. You're fishing in the wrong pond my friend.

 

The sooner your realize this, the better.

 

 

So you

[EricaH329]

Tell me about it. It just all got overwhelming Monday night. Getting dumped and then shut out has to be about the worst feeling. We all seek answers and closure, our 30 seconds of fame. This was like reverse NC. As she said, she thinks it's best to just rip off the bandaid so her resolve was strong. Well ripping off the bandaid left me feeling like I was bleeding to death.

 

It's all unhealthy though. I know she's no good for me but I want her in my life. Why am I drawn to the wrong people? I held on for dear life to save my marriage with another woman who was terrible for me. My life improved a thousand fold once it was over. I'm sure in time this will be a blessing but right now I'm really struggling with everything and seeing a picture of my ex in a bikini at a swim party over the weekend didn't help.

 

Right now, there's very little joy in my life. All the things that make me happy don't anymore. I just want the pain to stop and to be able to have fun again. If I could get hypnotized to forget her I'd do it right now.

 

Unfortunately, all of this is inevitable. You are going to feel this way for awhile, it's all a part of healing and moving on. When we are in pain, we try to think of the quick fix. Which is usually getting them back. You know that you were happy at some point with them, and you want to be happy so badly again, you try to hang onto whatever you can from that relationship.

 

However, we all know that's not the healthy way to go about it. Instead of using the quick fix method, try thinking further into the future. You will be much much happier alone. You need to begin taking steps towards making yourself happy, so that in a couple of months (really, that's all it should take if you don't self-indulge with the quick fix route), you'll be better than you ever have before.

 

Try putting yourself in the mind frame of long term, as opposed to short term. Set goals. Re-adjust your priorities. In no time, you'll realize that there is no place for her in your life. Not a person like that, anyway. You are the only one who can take action towards making that possible, though. So do it. There is no one holding you back except for yourself.

[paperchase]

Unfortunately, all of this is inevitable. You are going to feel this way for awhile, it's all a part of healing and moving on. When we are in pain, we try to think of the quick fix. Which is usually getting them back. You know that you were happy at some point with them, and you want to be happy so badly again, you try to hang onto whatever you can from that relationship.

 

However, we all know that's not the healthy way to go about it. Instead of using the quick fix method, try thinking further into the future. You will be much much happier alone. You need to begin taking steps towards making yourself happy, so that in a couple of months (really, that's all it should take if you don't self-indulge with the quick fix route), you'll be better than you ever have before.

 

Try putting yourself in the mind frame of long term, as opposed to short term. Set goals. Re-adjust your priorities. In no time, you'll realize that there is no place for her in your life. Not a person like that, anyway. You are the only one who can take action towards making that possible, though. So do it. There is no one holding you back except for yourself.

 

What's really messed up is that I have met someone who is a great catch if she is all that she seems to be. She has no problems with my "baggage", aka, kids. She wants to meet them. She is pleasant to be around. Grounded, financially secure, etc. But I'm an emotional wreck. She knows I'm not over my ex; I told her. She knows I'm jaded because I can't help but be skeptical about love in general and in particular about love with someone significantly younger than I. I met her older brothers and sisters at a cookout and they all liked me. I've gone out on dates and she's offered to pay. She's found cool things to do and just bought tickets and sent me outlook reminders. My ex never did stuff like that. I always paid for everything even after she began to earn money. I always planned everything. This 25 year old even has a nice condo. But like I said, I may not be emotionally available which would suck. My thing is on one hand I'm jaded but on another hand I'm vulnerable and this thing seems to be moving fast. I can tell she wants a relationship and once I commit...I commit. I really don't want it to be a rebound. I do have feelings for her. How can I not? She's so kind and we've been intimate a number of times. Over the holiday weekend we definitely raised the stakes with her taking me to one party as a date and then to a family cookout.

[paperchase]

Paper

 

It seems you are drawn to women who don't respect you and walk all over you.

Recognition of this is a first step. Now you need to come up with a plan to stop this pattern. Find a woman who wants what you want.

 

Now that you've been burned by your ex, don't you think it is time to truly embrace NC? You don't need your ex. You need to find happiness on your own.

 

Stop chasing the young hotties who stroke your ego initially, then destroy it when they get bored and leave.

 

You talk the talk of being a hip urban player who goes to the good places to pick up young girls, but you are more sophisticated than that. You actually want a relationship. You're fishing in the wrong pond my friend.

 

The sooner your realize this, the better.

 

 

So you

 

Well I met the most recent young hottie at an upscale adult happy hour. She was dressed in business casual and I thought she was ab 5 years older than she is. Because of my position at work, it's not appropriate for me to date co-workers although there are a few hotties here. School is a great place to meet, but I'm out of school and not going back. I really don't know where to go to meet people. I approach an attractive woman wherever I see her. I'm am a hip urban guy with a sleek bachelor's pad, a hot car, I've lived in most major east coast cities and I have edge which women like (plus I'm really humble, swear)...BUT the reality is I'm not a social butterfly and largely keep to myself unless circumstances dictate otherwise. My friends drag me out, although I do like fine cuisine a few times a week. I'm thinking of joining a gym but again, all the people there look like they are in their 20s. What's wrong with a woman in her mid 20s anyway. My ex wife was older than me and she walked on me like none other. The most beautiful woman I ever dated treated me like a king but I didn't know her value at the time. Dating is tough. I guess I could try online dating but I'm not over 6 foot and white. lol

[elizabeth26]

I am the dumpee of a relationship that felt like we may have wanted different things. I was open about my needs and insecurities. He left me then ran to his best friend's little sister. You had better think long and hard about what you are doing, you are very wrong right now. If you felt you should have left her or not taken her back then that is the time when you should have done it. It's not fair to her it's not right and it is very chicken to think of starting a new relationship before ending the old, your new relationship is tainted by your sneaking around. But it is very bold of you to open up if this is truly what is going on. My Ex would never have. What I know about this situation is you should be communicating, love can fade but you and her choose if it is meant to die. Talk with her if you think there's a chance.

[paperchase]

I am the dumpee of a relationship that felt like we may have wanted different things. I was open about my needs and insecurities. He left me then ran to his best friend's little sister. You had better think long and hard about what you are doing, you are very wrong right now. If you felt you should have left her or not taken her back then that is the time when you should have done it. It's not fair to her it's not right and it is very chicken to think of starting a new relationship before ending the old, your new relationship is tainted by your sneaking around. But it is very bold of you to open up if this is truly what is going on. My Ex would never have. What I know about this situation is you should be communicating, love can fade but you and her choose if it is meant to die. Talk with her if you think there's a chance.

 

I know the thread is long but you have the facts mixed up. I got dumped. i felt her pulling away when I started the thread but there was an ebb n flow which I posted about. At one point we removed the title of bf/gf but we continued to act like a couple. When the title was removed I started to date other ppl because this girl had dumped me a year ago and caught me by surprise. Back then we also didn't have a title for about a month before it completely ended, but we were acting like bf/gf n I though we were working towards a reconciliation. Instead, she was working on a new relationship. So that was back in 2/09. She begged for me back a month later. Anyway, she pulled the cord on us for good this time around on 5/17 and she shut me out completely. I had 3 minutes of a tear filled closure. Since then I did a few stupid things which led to her asking me to not contact her anymore. So I haven't. One of the women I dated while we were had no title is very interested in me now and I've been getting close with her over the past week or so. It's moving kind of fast but I'm still very hurt about my ex. I don't know whether I should just throw myself into this relationship or not. The girl seems to have most of what I'm looking for. She's brings a lot to the table as a partner.

Edited June 3, 2010 by paperchase

[EricaH329]

I don't know whether I should just throw myself into this relationship or not. The girl seems to have most of what I'm looking for. She's brings a lot to the table as a partner.

 

How can you even ask yourself that question, when you are clearly not over your ex? Whether you realize it or not, do you know what that's considered? A rebound! That's not fair to either of you.

 

But, you will do whatever you think is best for you at the moment. I can guarantee that this isn't it. If this girl is truly into you the way you make her out to be, then she will wait (and understand) until you are fully over your ex and ready to move on.

[paperchase]

How can you even ask yourself that question, when you are clearly not over your ex? Whether you realize it or not, do you know what that's considered? A rebound! That's not fair to either of you.

 

But, you will do whatever you think is best for you at the moment. I can guarantee that this isn't it. If this girl is truly into you the way you make her out to be, then she will wait (and understand) until you are fully over your ex and ready to move on.

 

Erica,

 

We all do what we need to do to cope/survive. Without this new woman in my life things would be much much tougher. I don't have a large social circle to take my mind off the ex. I would spend the bulk of my time alone with my thoughts...pining. As it is I still think about the ex especially in the mornings when I first wake. Sometimes at work too but lately I've been focusing better. My new lady has been a blessing and I want to be clear about the fact that she knows I still hurt over my ex. She knows this!

 

Now I've never had a rebound relationship. Every woman I made my gf officially was a partner that stayed around for a while. When I broke up with my high school gf (my first lover) I went to college and met the woman of my dreams. Not much time had elapsed and she could have been a rebound but i dated her off and on for almost 5 years before I left her for my now ex wife. I guess after my marriage ended i dated one girl for about 6 months knowing I did not have long term plans so she was a rebound but she knew what we had and the using was mutual. After her i dated my ex gf who I'm always posting about on here. Of course there were lots of other women I dated but this is an overview.

 

So look even if this new girl waits, what does that mean? Does that mean we stop seeing each other until I'm healed? Is that realistic given the bond we've already formed? Does that mean we just don't put a label on things? She's already saying things to indicate she wants a label. My guy friends say I'm crazy to commit to anyone. That if they had what I had, they'd play the field forever until the perfect girl came along. I was a player in high school but that's not too fulfilling. I just need some normalcy, someone I can depend on. With that, I can focus on the more important things in my life because my last relationship was so emotionally draining; it consumed me.

 

The more time I spend with this new girl the more I realize that my ex was not the one for me. That helps the pain a little because you accept it's for the best as opposed to believing you lost the love of your life. I mean I wanted her to be right because we had some great times, but the relationship was seriously flawed and i was in denial about the ability to fix it. I'm also realizing how mean she was to me which is borne out by how nice my new lady friend has been. My ex was downright selfish and inconsiderate and I accepted it all and made so many concessions I never should have made. She used me big time too.

 

Anyhow, been NC since the morning of 6/1 and haven't heard a peep from her. First time around 3-4 days was the longest she went. This time I sense we both realize it's over. A part of me would like to know she's thinking about me. I'm human. It would be nice to see a text or receive a call, although I guarantee I wouldn't answer. Then another part of me doesn't want her to reach out, especially not with the desperation she did the first time around. I don't want to be put in the situation of making a choice or even considering if there's a choice to be made. She said she just wanted to rip off the bandaid and she's stuck to her plan so why shouldn't I move on and embrace the prospect of a new relationship?

Edited June 4, 2010 by paperchase

[EricaH329]

Erica,

 

We all do what we need to do to cope/survive. Without this new woman in my life things would be much much tougher. I don't have a large social circle to take my mind off the ex. I would spend the bulk of my time alone with my thoughts...pining. As it is I still think about the ex especially in the mornings when I first wake. Sometimes at work too but lately I've been focusing better. My new lady has been a blessing and I want to be clear about the fact that she knows I still hurt over my ex. She knows this!

 

Yes, we all do what we need to be able to cope. However, there is a major difference between coping/moving on, and putting a band-aid over a problem. While you are out with this girl, you are not doing what you should be doing (spending time thinking, as you put it). I'll get into that more a little later in the post.

 

I would like to ask, though, that say hypothetically speaking, you were completely over your ex. Maybe you were never with her to begin with. You were perfectly happy being single and you met this awesome girl (the one you are seeing now). She happens to tell you that she just got out of a serious relationship, and she's still pretty torn up about it. Also, in the mornings, she thinks of him. How would this make you feel? Even though you are aware she is still pining, it would most likely make you feel crappy. So, yes... she knows... but it's probably painful for her.

 

Now I've never had a rebound relationship. Every woman I made my gf officially was a partner that stayed around for a while. When I broke up with my high school gf (my first lover) I went to college and met the woman of my dreams. Not much time had elapsed and she could have been a rebound but i dated her off and on for almost 5 years before I left her for my now ex wife. I guess after my marriage ended i dated one girl for about 6 months knowing I did not have long term plans so she was a rebound but she knew what we had and the using was mutual. After her i dated my ex gf who I'm always posting about on here. Of course there were lots of other women I dated but this is an overview.

 

So, you're saying, that after breaking up with a girl you've had zero time between dating another girl? Just like this situation? That scares me a bit... considering you need alone time to really recognize your flaws and your faults and try to fix them. And i'm not talking about faults in a relationship, but your own personal faults.

 

I'm only 23 years old. I've had 3 relationships that i'd consider to be serious, and there was zero time in between going from one relationship to another. I figured everything was fine! I was happier in every new relationship I was in. I felt as though I was making progress. However, being broken up with my most current ex for about 2 1/2 months now, i've come to the realization that there is a ton of things about me I need to fix. There are issues that I have with myself. Number one, was the inability to be without a boyfriend in my life. I always needed one (sound familiar?). That's actually a pretty huge problem, whether you realize it or not.

 

So look even if this new girl waits, what does that mean? Does that mean we stop seeing each other until I'm healed? Is that realistic given the bond we've already formed? Does that mean we just don't put a label on things? She's already saying things to indicate she wants a label. My guy friends say I'm crazy to commit to anyone. That if they had what I had, they'd play the field forever until the perfect girl came along. I was a player in high school but that's not too fulfilling. I just need some normalcy, someone I can depend on. With that, I can focus on the more important things in my life because my last relationship was so emotionally draining; it consumed me.

 

Hold up one second, the bolded part raised a huge red flag for me. You need someone you can depend on so that you can focus on the more important things in life?? There's so much wrong in that statement, do you not realize it? You should know that there isn't one person you can depend on more than yourself. What that tells me is that you haven't given yourself the time to even be able to depend on yourself. How can someone else truly be happy with you, when you can't be happy with yourself? This goes back to what I was previously saying, time alone can work wonders with these issues.

 

The more time I spend with this new girl the more I realize that my ex was not the one for me. That helps the pain a little because you accept it's for the best as opposed to believing you lost the love of your life. I mean I wanted her to be right because we had some great times, but the relationship was seriously flawed and i was in denial about the ability to fix it. I'm also realizing how mean she was to me which is borne out by how nice my new lady friend has been. My ex was downright selfish and inconsiderate and I accepted it all and made so many concessions I never should have made. She used me big time too.

 

You shouldn't need another person to allow you to notice that your ex wasn't the one for you. You should know that because of all the crap she put you through. When you put that sort of responsibility on someone elses shoulders, it becomes overwhelming. You'll start holding that other person accountable for a ton more things. Like... if you have an issue with yourself, you'll begin to lean on them to show you that it's not a real issue, or that the issue doesn't mean anything.

 

I can't stress to you enough that depending on someone else to the degree that you are, is really not healthy.

 

Anyhow, been NC since the morning of 6/1 and haven't heard a peep from her. First time around 3-4 days was the longest she went. This time I sense we both realize it's over. A part of me would like to know she's thinking about me. I'm human. It would be nice to see a text or receive a call, although I guarantee I wouldn't answer. Then another part of me doesn't want her to reach out, especially not with the desperation she did the first time around. I don't want to be put in the situation of making a choice or even considering if there's a choice to be made. She said she just wanted to rip off the bandaid and she's stuck to her plan so why shouldn't I move on and embrace the prospect of a new relationship?

 

Please excuse my harshness, but don't you think you are being a bit selfish? Don't you think this woman that you are seeing deserves all of someone? Someone who can give their entire heart and mind into being in this relationship? You are currently emotionally unavailable. Sure, you might like her, you may think she is the greatest person on the face of the planet, yet you still think about your ex. That's a huge sign that you are not ready to give your all into a new relationship.

 

I attempted one relationship after my ex and I broke up (for the third time), back in, i'd say around November. I actually started a thread about it. He was a great guy!! Treated me better than a lot of guys i've dated. I really cared for him, but after a month or so I realized that I was still in love with my ex. When I wasn't with this new guy, I was thinking about my ex. I would still dream about my ex. That's how I knew I wasn't ready to be in a new relationship. Because of the fact that this new guy was so great, I couldn't allow him to be with someone that was still hung up on their ex. It just wasn't fair to him. He deserved someone who could give him their all. Someone who focuses solely on him. Unfortunately, I couldn't (and still can't) be that person for him. Now, I refuse to be in another relationship right now. I'm fully aware of my feelings for my ex, and I am not about to subject another great guy to what I had to with the previous one. Simply put, it'd be a completely selfish act on my part if I would.

[paperchase]

All of your points are well taken. I only think of my ex in the morning when I wake up alone because I'm so used to her being there. I can't say there will ever be a time when I don't think of her again. I'm sentimental about all the loves of my life unless they were mean. She was mean so maybe I won't romanticize the relationship for the next 20 years.

 

I don't need a woman in my life but I want one and I know life as an experience is 1000 fold better when the experience is shared (with the right person). I know that I can accomplish more personally and professionally when the variable of love becomes a constant. This is why I believe in monogamous longterm relationship...and the institution of marriage.

 

But I do become very dependent and when things end I do panic and feel like it's the end of the world. And I know this is not healthy and I've sought professional help but no one has really explained it other than to say perhaps I have abandonment issues. Duh. I know that and I know why but that's not for this forum.

 

But who really can sustain life alone? Maybe not needing a girlfriend, but we all need friends and family to survive. If all that was taken away, the most independent creature would struggle. My problem is I don't have a large support structure. Very little family, friends 1000s of miles away so my lover becomes a very important part of my life. I'm not sure what else to say.