When the handwriting is on the wall

[EricaH329]

Ok, no contact it is. Just got a bbm saying "I don't think I'll ever find a love like ours." What is the point of telling me that after walking away?

 

Again, breadcrumbs. She is trying to string you along, so that she can get the best of you still. Don't allow this nonsense to happen. NC!

 

She is toying with me, though. I mean for the past two months we have gone to concerts, shows, restaurants, etc. She introduced me to her dad who loved me. I went to her birthday party and met all her friends and co-workers. Now this?

 

Yeah, my ex put an engagement ring on my finger and promised that he would love and cherish me for the rest of my life. There goes, yet another promise.

 

The actions they've shown in the past, do not compare to the actions they are showing now. This is who they are. Regardless of what they might have said.

 

Clearly she isn't ready for the responsibilities I have, but at the same time it's so confusing because she used to want to talk about marriage and having babies with me. She used to ask for a time line and show concern that I might really not want to remarry and have more kids, even recently. That's what makes it so hard to understand where her head it sometimes.

 

Good thing you don't have to sit around wondering what's going through her head anymore! Freedom! It's like you are finally able to cut the cord between the two of you. No more walking on eggshells, wondering what she's thinking or doing, what her motives are. She has plainly told you exactly what she feels. And unfortunately, you are not included in her serious plans.

 

You are right. Now is the time. Otherwise this will drag on for another month or two with me getting increasingly frustrated about the change in our relationship. I really wish I was over her because I'd like to be able to not go NC. Not really because I value her friendship, but because I believe NC will make her chase and I don't know how strong I can be in fending her off. I mean the last time I didn't go for bread crumbs. She came banging down my door and got on bended knee and said she wanted to marry me and have my babies. She even agreed to counseling and here we are again.

 

No, here you are for the final time. NC is not meant for the other person to realize what they lost and come running back. It's meant for you to move on and realize what kind of person you were with. In the perfect situation, you'll have moved on by the time she comes back. You'll realize that you deserve better and that the time spent with her is going to remain only in a distant memory.

 

Do not worry about the future, or the past. Worry about right now. What are you going to do to help yourself heal? What are you going to do to focus on yourself and try to become a better person? Not that you need to be, but it's always good to try and improve yourself especially when feeling the most down.

[paperchase]

EricaH329 what an inspiring post. You really know how to find the silver lining in a tough situation. I'm going to really try to view things your way. So I have decided to go NC what I don't know is whether I need to say or do anything in connection with that decision. I mean the way things were left I believe she is anticipating some communication. I came up with a very short letter I considered sending:

 

Dear _____,

 

As much as it hurts, I respect your need for space from our relationship to do as you please. I only wish we had called it quits a year ago when you had the same issue that I told you was not going away. We’ve already been through a difficult break-up and I’m not ready for another one. I’m also not interested in a lifetime of being jerked around. So go ahead and test the waters, as you should, because I could never trust you with my heart again. I must move on and make myself emotionally available to someone who can accept and love me. Sorry.

 

Sincerely,

________

 

Do you advise against this? If so, why?

Edited March 26, 2010 by paperchase

[EricaH329]

EricaH329 what an inspiring post. You really know how to find the silver lining in a tough situation. I'm going to really try to view things your way. So I have decided to go NC what I don't know is whether I need to say or do anything in connection with that decision. I mean the way things were left I believe she is anticipating some communication. I came up with a very short letter I considered sending:

 

Dear _____,

 

As much as it hurts, I respect your need for space from our relationship to do as you please. I only wish we had called it quits a year ago when you had the same issue that I told you was not going away. We’ve already been through a difficult break-up and I’m not ready for another one. I’m also not interested in a lifetime of being jerked around. So go ahead and test the waters, as you should, because I could never trust you with my heart again. Sorry.

 

Sincerely,

 

________

 

Do you advise against this? If so, why?

 

One of my favorite quotes is: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." I think it's very appropriate for this situation. I believe you should start looking at things in a different way. A better way. Everything else will follow after that.

 

As far as the letter goes, if this is what you feel needs to be done as one final goodbye from your part, then you should do it. However, you should be prepared for a response. And that response is most likely going to be intended to keep you on the hook. You have to keep in mind that you cannot believe what she says any longer. She once told you she wanted to marry you and have children with you, now she is telling you that she would rather be young and party. Whatever she says in response will be a desperate plea to keep you in her life. Do not fall for it. Do not respond. Keep your dignity in tact and walk away with your head held high, while you still can.

[paperchase]

One of my favorite quotes is: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

 

That is an awesome quote. I've heard variations (e.g., what you see depends on where you stand) but none that quite capture the essence so well.

 

I think I do need to send a short note to close the loop...for me. The first time around I was a letter writing fool until I finally met her, pleaded one last time, handed her a good bye letter and vanished into the NC night.

 

I will be prepared for a response but for some reason I don't necessarily expect one. Yes, she wants her cake and eat it too, but she's experienced NC before so I don't think it will quite affect her the same this time around. Also, given our history there must be an inescapable sense on both our parts that the relationship has run its course. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit here.

 

Opps, I just got a text: "Are u not talking to me?" I could just reply: "No, never again. Sorry." That would be cold. That's not me though. If I reply to any communication, it will be something like the letter I posted.

 

Here's a quote that samspade on here told me a while back. It helped me stick to NC: Disdain the things you cannot have; ignoring them is the best revenge." Not as uplifting as yours but anger is stage one of recovery.

Edited March 26, 2010 by paperchase

[northstar1]

That is an awesome quote. I've heard variations (e.g., what you see depends on where you stand) but none that quite capture the essence so well.

 

I think I do need to send a short note to close the loop...for me. The first time around I was a letter writing fool until I finally met her, pleaded one last time, handed her a good bye letter and vanished into the NC night.

 

I will be prepared for a response but for some reason I don't necessarily expect one. Yes, she wants her cake and eat it too, but she's experienced NC before so I don't think it will quite affect her the same this time around. Also, given our history there must be an inescapable sense on both our parts that the relationship has run its course. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit here.

 

Opps, I just got a text: "Are u not talking to me?" I could just reply: "No, never again. Sorry." That would be cold. That's not me though. If I reply to any communication, it will be something like the letter I posted.

 

Here's a quote that samspade on here told me a while back. It helped me stick to NC: Disdain the things you cannot have; ignoring them is the best revenge." Not as uplifting as yours but anger is stage one of recovery.

 

 

I'll give you some advice having gone through this.

 

Write as many letters as you want, post them here, show them to your mates, save them in draft. But dont' send them to her.

 

You had a final night together, she was a clear as day that she wanted freedom. She didnt' want to hear your story. She isn't going to want to hear your story now man.

 

Look at her, she's texting you for attention! She wants to make sure you are still on the hook, like bait. She wants you there, so if she gets bored or wants some validation, there you are.

 

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt - but this girl has emotioinally moved on, a letter isn't going to change her mind if she isn't in an mindset to want the same things in life you do right now.

 

And I can tell you, that if you write letters and keep them, you'll look back in a year like I did and have a good chuckle at just how bent out of shape you were.

[EricaH329]

That is an awesome quote. I've heard variations (e.g., what you see depends on where you stand) but none that quite capture the essence so well.

 

I think I do need to send a short note to close the loop...for me. The first time around I was a letter writing fool until I finally met her, pleaded one last time, handed her a good bye letter and vanished into the NC night.

 

I will be prepared for a response but for some reason I don't necessarily expect one. Yes, she wants her cake and eat it too, but she's experienced NC before so I don't think it will quite affect her the same this time around. Also, given our history there must be an inescapable sense on both our parts that the relationship has run its course. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit here.

 

Opps, I just got a text: "Are u not talking to me?" I could just reply: "No, never again. Sorry." That would be cold. That's not me though. If I reply to any communication, it will be something like the letter I posted.

 

Here's a quote that samspade on here told me a while back. It helped me stick to NC: Disdain the things you cannot have; ignoring them is the best revenge." Not as uplifting as yours but anger is stage one of recovery.

 

Oh, I totally agree. Anger will push you through for a little while, then all you have is to rely on yourself and your self respect.

 

I wouldn't dignify her text with a response. Send her the message you plan on sending her, and then leave it at that. No more responding. She stuck to her decision, now it's your turn.

 

This won't be easy. It never is. But we are all here for support. Through all of the confusion you are dealing with right now, know this. You are about to do the best thing you've ever done for yourself. You are doing the right thing, and in the end, you will understand exactly what I am talking about.

[northstar1]

EricaH329 what an inspiring post. You really know how to find the silver lining in a tough situation. I'm going to really try to view things your way. So I have decided to go NC what I don't know is whether I need to say or do anything in connection with that decision. I mean the way things were left I believe she is anticipating some communication. I came up with a very short letter I considered sending:

 

Dear _____,

 

As much as it hurts, I respect your need for space from our relationship to do as you please. I only wish we had called it quits a year ago when you had the same issue that I told you was not going away. We’ve already been through a difficult break-up and I’m not ready for another one. I’m also not interested in a lifetime of being jerked around. So go ahead and test the waters, as you should, because I could never trust you with my heart again. I must move on and make myself emotionally available to someone who can accept and love me. Sorry.

 

Sincerely,

 

________

 

Do you advise against this? If so, why?

 

Yes.

 

What is this going accomplish Paper? It sounds like you are giving her permission to move on and date others?

 

It's going to end up in an endless cycle of textings and emails. She will wonder why you are ignoring her and not giving her attention.

 

Just go NC now.

[paperchase]

I'll give you some advice having gone through this. Write as many letters as you want, post them here, show them to your mates, save them in draft. But dont' send them to her.

 

Ain't it the truth. I am known for writing letters and saving them in draft. It's what I do. I look back on them and realize what I wanted to say wasn't that important afterall.

 

In terms of her not wanting to hear what I have to say, that's true for the most part but if you are letting someone go and agreeing with their decision then your words may be better received.

 

She just called. I didn't answer. She didn't leave a voicemail. Guess it wasn't too important.

[stillafool]

EricaH329 what an inspiring post. You really know how to find the silver lining in a tough situation. I'm going to really try to view things your way. So I have decided to go NC what I don't know is whether I need to say or do anything in connection with that decision. I mean the way things were left I believe she is anticipating some communication. I came up with a very short letter I considered sending:

 

Dear _____,

 

As much as it hurts, I respect your need for space from our relationship to do as you please. I only wish we had called it quits a year ago when you had the same issue that I told you was not going away. We’ve already been through a difficult break-up and I’m not ready for another one. I’m also not interested in a lifetime of being jerked around. So go ahead and test the waters, as you should, because I could never trust you with my heart again. I must move on and make myself emotionally available to someone who can accept and love me. Sorry.

 

Sincerely,

 

________

 

Do you advise against this? If so, why?

 

 

I think you should send it. This way she will know you are serious. After you send it you need to go NC and not respond to her response. Your letter says everything she needs to know and move on.

[Rearden Metal]

I don't think it matters if you send it or not (to her), but I understand the urge to send it (having done so myself).

 

Basically, people like us who are rational, sensitive people who want things to make sense feel the need to communicate in a manner that is clear and allows our SO to understand us. Unfortunately, our SO's are not like us, so the communication is lost on deaf ears.

 

If you DO send it, take out the apology, and take out the sentence consenting to her decision to party and fool around. Make it short like "I respect your decision to end our relationship and also respect that we have different viewpoints at this time in our lives. For that reason I'll no longer be available for you, as I need to make myself available for someone more compatible. Best wishes, me"

[paperchase]

I don't think it matters if you send it or not (to her), but I understand the urge to send it (having done so myself).

 

Basically, people like us who are rational, sensitive people who want things to make sense feel the need to communicate in a manner that is clear and allows our SO to understand us. Unfortunately, our SO's are not like us, so the communication is lost on deaf ears.

 

If you DO send it, take out the apology, and take out the sentence consenting to her decision to party and fool around. Make it short like "I respect your decision to end our relationship and also respect that we have different viewpoints at this time in our lives. For that reason I'll no longer be available for you, as I need to make myself available for someone more compatible. Best wishes, me"

 

 

I didn't send it. I thought it sounded weak, although I am feeling very weak right now. Today is tough. Day 2 of NC and I'm having doubts about the approach. I know it's good for healing but I'm ashamed to admit that I do still wish I could have her back on my terms and I'm not sure NC is the best way to achieve that under the circumstances. Why I want her back given all her issues is a separate issue, but the fact is that I do.

 

My best male friend has given me advice to go limited contact. He says no contact seems to draconian like I'm trying to punish her and that's not the message to give. He said last time was different because she cheated and it was the only way I could cope. He said the message I should bring is neutrality like not caring and that it's ok to call and be casual and maybe mention going out and if she says no, then don't care. Assuming I was strong enough to convincingly behave this way, is it the best approach. I don't want to break NC and regret it unless I believe a different approach is necessary.

 

Yesterday, she called me twice and sent me two texts but I didn't answer the phone or texts. She hasn't reached out today. I'm not calling hoping to hear her say she wants me back; I'm just calling really so I don't seem bitter or like I'm punishing her. Advice is appreciated. And if the advice is stay NC that's ok too. I'm not here to only hear what I want to hear. Whatever is suggested I'd like to know why.

[northstar1]

 

My best male friend has given me advice to go limited contact. He says no contact seems to draconian like I'm trying to punish her and that's not the message to give. He said last time was different because she cheated and it was the only way I could cope. He said the message I should bring is neutrality like not caring and that it's ok to call and be casual and maybe mention going out and if she says no, then don't care. Assuming I was strong enough to convincingly behave this way, is it the best approach. I don't want to break NC and regret it unless I believe a different approach is necessary.

 

Yesterday, she called me twice and sent me two texts but I didn't answer the phone or texts. She hasn't reached out today. I'm not calling hoping to hear her say she wants me back; I'm just calling really so I don't seem bitter or like I'm punishing her. Advice is appreciated. And if the advice is stay NC that's ok too. I'm not here to only hear what I want to hear. Whatever is suggested I'd like to know why.

 

I'm sorry, but this advice is poor.

 

You aren't punishing her, you are doing what is right for you.

 

Let me ask you, what will staying in any sort of contact accomplish, or do for you Paper?

 

She will get what she wants - someone to garner attention from (which she is fishing for by texting you still), someone to hang out with when it suits her? She gets your company and affection, yet really has to give up nothing of herself, since she won't commit.

 

What will you get? Not a committed relationship, or someone who values your time and what you want. If you stay in contact, even playing the "I don't care, neutrality card, which is nearly impossible to do btw", you'll still have feelings, still hold out hope she will change, all the while time will be passing on and you'll be no closer to the final goal you seek.

 

So, let's suppose you try as your friends suggested. You reply to her texts - give her ego feed. She'll then pull back and still be aloof, since you gave her attention, and she knows you are still there simmering on the burner. Maybe you still hang out with her, with you believing you might be on the road to reconcilliation, and with her believing that you are the guy she can spend time with when she wants. Do you think that she's going to suddenly mature, and want the same things you want in the forseeable future? At 23, that is highly unlikely.

 

Do you really think that if you ask her out and if she declines, or mentions other vague plans, that you won't be hurt? Damn straight mate, you will be in a world of pain. Some guys can pull off the "don't care" card, but based on what I've read of your story Paper, you seem like a nice, sensitive guy, and I don't think you could manage that (nor could I for that matter).

 

What you are doing right now is bargaining - trying to see if there is another way, other than NC, to carry on, and not close the dooor completely. Nearly everyone has been in that spot at some point.

 

The message you want to give is that she's made a choice, and you are accepting that choice and moving on with your life. That you deserve someone on the same page in life. And that, by her choosing her freedom over a relationship, then she loses all rights to any part of your life, and that includes friendship and attention from you.

 

That is a message of self respect and staying true to yourself.

[paperchase]

....Let me ask you, what will staying in any sort of contact accomplish, or do for you Paper?......She gets your company and affection, yet really has to give up nothing of herself, since she won't commit.....even playing the "I don't care, neutrality card, which is nearly impossible to do btw", you'll still have feelings, still hold out hope she will change, all the while time will be passing on and you'll be no closer to the final goal you seek.....Maybe you still hang out with her, with you believing you might be on the road to reconcilliation, and with her believing that you are the guy she can spend time with when she wants. Do you think that she's going to suddenly mature, and want the same things you want in the forseeable future? At 23, that is highly unlikely....Do you really think that if you ask her out and if she declines, or mentions other vague plans, that you won't be hurt? Damn straight mate....What you are doing right now is bargaining - trying to see if there is another way, other than NC, to carry on, and not close the door completely. Nearly everyone has been in that spot at some point....

The message you want to give is that she's made a choice, and you are accepting that choice and moving on with your life. .

 

I know my posts show a degree of emotion. I can be an emotional guy at times. Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking and my feelings have been changing. Now understand those feelings can be different on any given day right now, but I've been moving in the direction of having an epiphany of sorts. I've had it for some time but whenever I began to embrace it I got scared and desperate to keep my relationship alive. The epiphany is that my relationship would have never worked. And it's based on a few things, the most important of which is that my ex has issues with my kids and that's a non-negotiable. Keeping this at the forefront of my mind helps me stay focused on the fact that getting dumped is a good thing.

 

What does LC do for me? Well, a few things. It allows me to show her I don't care and it forces me to work on harnessing my feelings, a valuable exercise. I'm really testing what type of relationship we might be able to have. The answer may be none. I'm definitely not interested in a pure friendship and I'm not sure how much I even like her given how she rejected me and my kids. Having said all that, if she would embrace me and my kids fully, I'd take her back right now. And I believe that at 24 she can embrace that; she has at times in the past. I believe that my behavior has caused her interest level to go down. Unfortunately, I believe the minute she knows she has me is the minute she begins to pull away.

 

I definitely won't take any time we spend together to mean we are reconciling. Been there and done that the last time. Hung in post breakup and catered to her until I found out she had a new man. All the time I focused all my efforts on fixing us. If that's the direction it goes and stays than LC won't work unless I'm busy trying to meet someone more compatible for me at the same time which I plan to do. It's tough because she dumped me so clearly she is less interested in the relationship than I am so I'm not dealing from a position of strength. But that doesn't mean I have to act that way.

 

What I want to know is what gives me the best chance in getting her back...no contact or limited detached contact. That's the only thing I want to know. I believe I can do either. NC can be viewed as a game especially if they've seen it before and I don't want her to think I'm being manipulative. At the end of the day, if we don't reconcile I will go NC for good. Likewise if LC is tearing me apart, I'll go NC for good. If LC is just her toying with me and we don't see each other or remain intimate, then I'll terminate the LC.

 

So back to my question...and I understand it flies in the face of the beliefs held in this forum, but please tell me which approach has the highest likelihood of success assuming I am capable of performing both.

[northstar1]

The epiphany is that my relationship would have never worked. And it's based on a few things, the most important of which is that my ex has issues with my kids and that's a non-negotiable. Keeping this at the forefront of my mind helps me stay focused on the fact that getting dumped is a good thing. .

 

Good, but then how do you reconcile those thoughts with...

 

 

What I want to know is what gives me the best chance in getting her back...no contact or limited detached contact. That's the only thing I want to know.

 

So, on one level you realize that this girl is fundamentally not compatible with you, because she doesn't want serious and she doesn't want insta-family (at her age, this is not surprising), on the other, you want to do anything to get her back.

 

So, step back and ask yourself how you reconcile those two opposing ideas?

 

So you win her back through whatever type of C you use, is she going to suddenly mature and want your life and your kids?

 

It seems you are so afraid of losing her, that you are completely ignoring the fact that she is rejecting your lifestyle.

 

She will keep texting you Paper, - not because she has had her own epiphany, or wants what you want, but because she is 24, and immature, and is seeking attention and validation.

 

Why would you want someone that doesn't want your life as it is now, and your kids?

[paperchase]

Good, but then how do you reconcile those thoughts with...

 

 

 

 

So, on one level you realize that this girl is fundamentally not compatible with you, because she doesn't want serious and she doesn't want insta-family (at her age, this is not surprising), on the other, you want to do anything to get her back.

 

So, step back and ask yourself how you reconcile those two opposing ideas?

 

So you win her back through whatever type of C you use, is she going to suddenly mature and want your life and your kids?

 

It seems you are so afraid of losing her, that you are completely ignoring the fact that she is rejecting your lifestyle.

 

She will keep texting you Paper, - not because she has had her own epiphany, or wants what you want, but because she is 24, and immature, and is seeking attention and validation.

 

Why would you want someone that doesn't want your life as it is now, and your kids?

 

Today is so hard. I broke NC and acted indifferent. I didn't feel horrible or anything like that. Then again I had only been NC for 2 days.

 

You are right to point out how hard it is to reconcile the feeling that she isn't the one, with the feeling that I want her back at all costs. I don't like feeling this way. Yet I refuse to accept that this is about her youth and my children. I mean just the other night she text me how she can't be hanging out with the girls and how she's a stay at home kind of girl. She joked that I can hang more than her which is true.

 

I mean yes she's 24 but if she loved me enough my kids wouldn't be an issue and there were times when she did love me enough and nothing was an issue so I know she has the capacity, if not the desire. I think the desire has been affected by outside forces which are getting in our way just as they did before. I believe they can be overcome. Maybe I'm being delusional. And then of course there's the risk which is always present when you get dumped that your ex has a new love interest. If she does, it's in its infancy not like that's any consolation.

 

I'm leaning towards writing a letter and going no contact and I'm doing it because I think this is the only surefire way to make her reach a conclusion once and for all. I think 15 days is the longest I've done it and I think 30-60 days may be needed to really achieve some clarity. The problem is my one paragraph letter is now 5.

Edited March 29, 2010 by paperchase

[paperchase]

I'm seeing her tonight. She's coming over to eat and watch our shows. I don't know if it's a sleepover and I have no expectations. I'm trying to see if there is some space in my life for her outside a "boyfriend/girlfriend" formal relationship. It has to be mutually beneficial which remains to be seen.

 

Based on our last breakup, we started like this and I got increasingly frustrated and she eventually pulled the cord and popped up with a new lover. I really don't want that to happen. If it feels that way, I'll have to cut off communication. But maybe, just maybe, we can both take this time to see each other less while making sense of what we want. Maybe if we both remain sufficiently detached we can feel they type of absence which makes the heart grow fond without cutting off all communication.

 

Maybe this time while she's dating other people, so will I. I do have some suitors. And maybe when she sees me really moving on she will revaluate my importance. Maybe by then I will have truly passed the point of no return and be racing into the future. Wouldn't that be nice, huh?

[northstar1]

I'm seeing her tonight. She's coming over to eat and watch our shows. I don't know if it's a sleepover and I have no expectations. I'm trying to see if there is some space in my life for her outside a "boyfriend/girlfriend" formal relationship. It has to be mutually beneficial which remains to be seen.

 

Based on our last breakup, we started like this and I got increasingly frustrated and she eventually pulled the cord and popped up with a new lover. I really don't want that to happen. If it feels that way, I'll have to cut off communication. But maybe, just maybe, we can both take this time to see each other less while making sense of what we want. Maybe if we both remain sufficiently detached we can feel they type of absence which makes the heart grow fond without cutting off all communication.

 

Maybe this time while she's dating other people, so will I. I do have some suitors. And maybe when she sees me really moving on she will revaluate my importance. Maybe by then I will have truly passed the point of no return and be racing into the future. Wouldn't that be nice, huh?

 

I don't know what to say dude. You seem to be attracted to the flames. I wish you luck.

 

Maybe she will do all the things you mention. Or maybe you'll be still stuck in this same spot in 6 months because you refuse to stop letting her walk all over you.

Sorry man, but this girl has you on a rope.

[paperchase]

I don't know what to say dude. You seem to be attracted to the flames. I wish you luck.

 

Maybe she will do all the things you mention. Or maybe you'll be still stuck in this same spot in 6 months because you refuse to stop letting her walk all over you.

Sorry man, but this girl has you on a rope.

 

You are right; I am attracted to the flame. I left the nicest girl in the world so long ago and all I have done since is pair up with difficult women who aren't good for me. I like drama. I sometimes live on the edge. I know about this problem. We can't solve it here.

 

Here, I'm seeking guidance as to how to proceed and as I see it I only have two options. NC or limited contact. I just don't know which one is right if the goal is to get her back on my terms. I just want some feedback on my situation.

 

I'm only going to get over her one of two ways so I can stop deluding myself. I will either meet someone I like more (which I'm sure she's planning to do if she hasn't already) or I will have to cut off all contact for a sufficient amount of time. I know she will constantly try to contact me if I go dark because she cannot stand being ignored. As to limited contact, if I'm only seeing her once a week and I'm out meeting new people and not pining over her then I should be okay. If my heart is in knots every day I wake up and every night before i go to sleep, then the only thing I can do is join the gym and go NC.

 

But assuming I can handle either approach, and knowing the history here, I'm just looking for a non-professional opinion of which way will work the best. Please, please indulge me. I don't want to start a new thread in the second chances forum.

 

by the way, I cannot afford to be in this spot 6 months from now. I have no intention of 6 months of LC unless I'm dating a few women and she is just one of them. Unless I am emotionally detached otherwise 6 months is too long. And if she takes me back we are going right back to counseling/therapy to deal with the child issue once and for all. I'm clearly on a string, but I'm smart enough to know that we can't be together long term without resolving at least this issue.

Edited March 29, 2010 by paperchase

[northstar1]

You are right; I am attracted to the flame. I left the nicest girl in the world so long ago and all I have done since is pair up with difficult women who aren't good for me. I like drama. I sometimes live on the edge. I know about this problem. We can't solve it here.

 

Here, I'm seeking guidance as to how to proceed and as I see it I only have two options. NC or limited contact. I just don't know which one is right if the goal is to get her back on my terms. I just want some feedback on my situation.

 

I'm only going to get over her one of two ways so I can stop deluding myself. I will either meet someone I like more (which I'm sure she's planning to do if she hasn't already) or I will have to cut off all contact for a sufficient amount of time. I know she will constantly try to contact me if I go dark because she cannot stand being ignored. As to limited contact, if I'm only seeing her once a week and I'm out meeting new people and not pining over her then I should be okay. If my heart is in knots every day I wake up and every night before i go to sleep, then the only thing I can do is join the gym and go NC.

 

But assuming I can handle either approach, and knowing the history here, I'm just looking for a non-professional opinion of which way will work the best. Please, please indulge me. I don't want to start a new thread in the second chances forum.

 

by the way, I cannot afford to be in this spot 6 months from now. I have no intention of 6 months of LC unless I'm dating a few women and she is just one of them. Unless I am emotionally detached otherwise 6 months is too long. And if she takes me back we are going right back to counseling/therapy to deal with the child issue once and for all.

 

The way I see it.

 

As is, with this contact/friendship/FWB,whatever is happening, it's not getting to root of the issue.

 

I think, if you ultimately want her back, you need to go NC.

 

Show her you are serious about what YOU want. That you aren't going accept her behaviour as a no-strings girlfriend/friend etc.

 

As it is now, you are allowing her to think she can just be aloof and hang out with you when she wants, because you aren't going to stop that and will allow her to act this way.

 

GO NC, block her ass, stop feeding her ego. Let her see life without you in all forms. That you are serious about things. That she can only be in your life if she is 100% in, and understands you and your kids importance.

 

If you mean that much to her, she'll do what it takes to keep you.

 

If not, she'll flake and find someone else with less complications.

 

Otherwise, everything else is halfassed dude, and you are doing all the compromising.

[threebyfate]

Right now, paperchase is somewhere between denial and bargaining.

[stillafool]

Yes Paperchase, I have to agree with three. You are in denial about everything that has happened, the reality of the truth about what she wants for her life, trying to change the way she thinks and I'll bet you asked her to come over tonight. I know you don't want to hear this and you want us to tell you the best way to get her back. At this point it would be like telling a baby the best way to play with a knife. There's just no good end to what you are trying to do. Counseling want change her mind about not wanting to be with an older man, or wanting to help raise someone else's children. NC is not to get her back but to help you move on with your life. You don't even give yourself a chance to be without her before you are contacting her again. I hope for your sake things go the way you want them tonight. I'm sorry I don't have an answer to the best way for you to get her back.

[EricaH329]

Yet I refuse to accept that this is about her youth and my children. I mean just the other night she text me how she can't be hanging out with the girls and how she's a stay at home kind of girl. She joked that I can hang more than her which is true.

 

Everything I am about to say in this post is out of love. I just want to get that out of the way first.

 

I'm not sure why you can't accept the facts. Ok, so she tells you that she wants to be a stay at home mom, and then in the same breath (basically) tells you that she doesn't want to be tied down with kids. Since she is contradicting herself, you need to turn to the facts. The actions she has taken to prove which one she is really feeling, and which one she is telling you to keep you on the hook.

 

She broke up with you. There is an action. And her reason for it? She doesn't want to be tied down. There you go. There are the facts, and the misconceptions. What you do with that information is up to you.

 

You know the saying, 'Every action has a consequence'?? What is her consequence? The opportunity to remain in your life? Doesn't sound like too bad of a consequence to me! Even though she broke your heart and hurt you, she gets off easy? Man... if I knew that I could break up with someone and still keep them around... i'd do it all the time! No consequences to my actions? Awesome! And what's even better, is that I would stay in the same childish mind-frame because no one would be teaching me any better. (Not really, just trying to show you what's going on here).

 

But maybe, just maybe, we can both take this time to see each other less while making sense of what we want. Maybe if we both remain sufficiently detached we can feel they type of absence which makes the heart grow fond without cutting off all communication.

 

Two things are running through my mind right now. 1- She already knows what she wants. If she didn't, she wouldn't have broken up with you. She has made her decision. And 2- The whole 'absense makes the heart grow fond' thing I don't buy. In my own personal experience, yes... you do tend to miss another a lot more when there is space between the two of you. BUT... you are missing the good qualities about that person, as opposed to seeing them for who they really are. All of the aspects of the relationship, and not just the good ones. So reconciling after spending time apart, is not always the best thing to do. It's based on something that's false. Nostalgia, if you will. Not a healthy way to start off a relationship.

 

Here, I'm seeking guidance as to how to proceed and as I see it I only have two options. NC or limited contact. I just don't know which one is right if the goal is to get her back on my terms. I just want some feedback on my situation.

 

First, i'd like to point out that LC does not include hanging out with her. LC is limited contact. Not limited physical contact. It means e-mails once in awhile, texts, maybe... maybe a phone call here and there.

 

I do not agree with what you are doing by seeing her. At all. This whole situation is snowballing downhill, and it's picking up speed. This will not end well.

 

Also, I think you mentioned that if the both of you reconcile that counseling is a must? Because of the fact that she doesn't want to have anything to do with children? Please, if you get anything out of what I have ever said to you, please let it be this: Counseling will not change that. Let me give you an example (this is a stupid one, but it'll help with my point). Say I didn't like the color blue, and my boyfriend loved it. We go to counseling to help with the fact that I don't like the color blue. The therapist could talk and talk, but will that change my opinion? No. Sure, I might like blue in the future, but for now... I simply do not care for it.

 

Do you see what i'm getting at? This is a decision she has made for herself. There is no amount of talking that will change her mind. She needs to do this on her own. If she ever does become convinced that this is what she wants, she will quickly revert back to her old ways... since she never got the opportunity to fulfill what was really holding her back this whole time.

 

Let her live her life the way she wants. And allow yourself to do the same.

[paperchase]

The way I see it.

 

As is, with this contact/friendship/FWB,whatever is happening, it's not getting to root of the issue.

 

I think, if you ultimately want her back, you need to go NC.

 

Show her you are serious about what YOU want. That you aren't going accept her behaviour as a no-strings girlfriend/friend etc.

 

As it is now, you are allowing her to think she can just be aloof and hang out with you when she wants, because you aren't going to stop that and will allow her to act this way.

 

GO NC, block her ass, stop feeding her ego. Let her see life without you in all forms. That you are serious about things. That she can only be in your life if she is 100% in, and understands you and your kids importance.

 

If you mean that much to her, she'll do what it takes to keep you.

 

If not, she'll flake and find someone else with less complications.

 

Otherwise, everything else is halfassed dude, and you are doing all the compromising.

 

Thanks! That's a compelling argument. I guess even if I could be aloof and act like I was the one who wanted to hang with her only when I felt like it, that wouldn't force her hand because she'd still be getting what she wanted. From what I know of her, it would only get her attention if she suspected I had found someone new and if whatever new relationship she was pursing did not materialize.

 

So, NC it is...after tonight. The only question is whether I tell her what I'm going to do and why, or just do it.

[threebyfate]

paperchase, stop trying to manipulate the situation so you get the result you want, which is getting her back. It's time to focus on NC and moving on.

[paperchase]

Yes Paperchase, I have to agree with three. You are in denial about everything that has happened, the reality of the truth about what she wants for her life, trying to change the way she thinks and I'll bet you asked her to come over tonight. I know you don't want to hear this and you want us to tell you the best way to get her back. At this point it would be like telling a baby the best way to play with a knife. There's just no good end to what you are trying to do. Counseling want change her mind about not wanting to be with an older man, or wanting to help raise someone else's children. NC is not to get her back but to help you move on with your life. You don't even give yourself a chance to be without her before you are contacting her again. I hope for your sake things go the way you want them tonight. I'm sorry I don't have an answer to the best way for you to get her back.

 

Maybe I am in denial. Truthfully, I don't know what happened. People seldom tell you the real reasons they broke up. Last time, I wasn't romantic enough and didn't listen to her concerns enough until it was too late. And I wasn't appreciative enough. We talked about those in counseling. My big issue was that she didn't incorporate me into her social life and that was supposed to change and never did. Also, trust was an issue for us both. I had a few lady friends when we first started dating. I have issues trusting her for obvious reasons: she broke my heart.

 

According to her age is not an issue. If I didn't have kids everything would be perfect. I suspect it's a combination but either way they aren't issues I can change. I remember her telling me a while back how her friends would tease her saying "stepmom" and it upset her. I remember in the early going she would ask if I would put her first. She wanted me to rank the things in my life and she was upset that I didn't have her as #1. She loved hard and wanted that in return. I obliged until I found one day I wasn't #1. There was a time when she would do anything I asked. It was surreal.

 

You say there is no way this can end well. That's discouraging of course. I'd like to think that people can change and that she may need to get through this period for us to move forward. I think the seriousness of it all freaked her out in the face of her youth, although she is the relationship type. My age is my age, but I was just at the bar the other day talking to a guy and his girlfriend and they were asking where I hang out. Then they said but you are clearly younger than us. They were 34 and guessed me at 29. I said I'm 37 and they made me show my ID. It's a little off topic but my age is only a concern for those who have the need to comment. Not based on how I look or act or how we look together. I wish I could post a picture because we are a stunning couple.

 

She's just at that age where she has a very fairytale vision of how life and marriage should be. She wants a huge wedding; a big house; everything so neat and perfect and I'm sure there's no kids from a prior marriage in that scene. I'm sure her prince isn't 13 years her elder either, but I think it's the combination of both that freaks her out. Who knows.