When the handwriting is on the wall

[northstar1]

Everything man. There is no need to keep her on there, you will just see her name as a contact and wonder if she will contact you.

 

You have to have a clean break. If at some point she figures out it was a mistake and wants to get in touch, she can, but for now, you need to get rid of her.

[paperchase]

Everything man. There is no need to keep her on there, you will just see her name as a contact and wonder if she will contact you.

 

You have to have a clean break. If at some point she figures out it was a mistake and wants to get in touch, she can, but for now, you need to get rid of her.

 

I'll take your advice BUT whether I delete her or not I'll be wondering if she's going to call. People take it real personal when they get deleted from blackberry messenger. Then again, people take it personal when they get dumped too.

[EricaH329]

I am so sorry to hear that everything ended up this way! I really am!! Hopefully, this will be the last time you deal with this.

 

I completely understand how you feel right now. I'm sure i've mentioned this before, but I went through a similar thing with my ex. The whole on-again, off-again deal. It's extremely emotionally draining.

 

Like i've said in a previous post though, this break up can be the best thing that's ever happened to you, if you allow it to be. It's all about perspective. Now you are the only one in control of yourself. You don't constantly have to worry about the next time she'll leave you, being on your best behavior around her so she won't want to break up with you, in other words... you are free!

 

From what I do know about you, you have a ton to offer a woman. The right woman. A woman that wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her. One that won't allow outside influences, or selfish desires, to come in between your relationship. A woman that knows the power of losing something so great, that she wouldn't dare put herself in a position like that.

 

As far as contact goes, she's basically told you she doesn't want to speak with you. The fact that she ended it so abruptly, and not allowing you the time to talk, tells you that she isn't worried about how you are dealing with this. So... why worry about what she thinks of you by going NC? Who cares if it seems that you are being rude. When has she taken the time to worry about anyone but herself?

 

This is the time that you need to be catering to yourself. You need to rebuild your self confidence, respect, and love for yourself... by yourself. And the first step in doing all of that is cutting out all of the negative influences in your life. Her being number one.

 

What's done is done, now what happens afterwards is completely up to you. Whether you give yourself the time to heal and move on, or if you allow yourself to be stuck in the same rut you've found yourself in for this long. I know you are a strong man and are more than capable of becoming the great man (inside and out) that you've been before.

[paperchase]

I am so sorry to hear that everything ended up this way! I really am!! Hopefully, this will be the last time you deal with this.

 

I completely understand how you feel right now. I'm sure i've mentioned this before, but I went through a similar thing with my ex. The whole on-again, off-again deal. It's extremely emotionally draining.

 

Like i've said in a previous post though, this break up can be the best thing that's ever happened to you, if you allow it to be. It's all about perspective. Now you are the only one in control of yourself. You don't constantly have to worry about the next time she'll leave you, being on your best behavior around her so she won't want to break up with you, in other words... you are free!

 

From what I do know about you, you have a ton to offer a woman. The right woman. A woman that wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her. One that won't allow outside influences, or selfish desires, to come in between your relationship. A woman that knows the power of losing something so great, that she wouldn't dare put herself in a position like that.

 

As far as contact goes, she's basically told you she doesn't want to speak with you. The fact that she ended it so abruptly, and not allowing you the time to talk, tells you that she isn't worried about how you are dealing with this. So... why worry about what she thinks of you by going NC? Who cares if it seems that you are being rude. When has she taken the time to worry about anyone but herself?

 

This is the time that you need to be catering to yourself. You need to rebuild your self confidence, respect, and love for yourself... by yourself. And the first step in doing all of that is cutting out all of the negative influences in your life. Her being number one.

 

What's done is done, now what happens afterwards is completely up to you. Whether you give yourself the time to heal and move on, or if you allow yourself to be stuck in the same rut you've found yourself in for this long. I know you are a strong man and are more than capable of becoming the great man (inside and out) that you've been before.

 

I'm hoping this is a blessing in disguise. I know she wasn't the one but it sure seemed that way at first. I mean everything was so perfect and we even looked super hot together not to sound superficial. But I've tried so hard to make it work and it keeps failing and I just feel like I must not be good enough for her even though I know I'm a really good catch. It really sucks. I'm hurt but not as bad as the first time. Maybe because I'm not up at night picturing her having sex with another man this time. Maybe because I'm desensitized. Maybe because I started meeting a few other women when I first started this thread and so I have some companionship.

 

If it's easier for me then I'm sure it's also easier for her which is why I suspect this is it for us. Then again, you never know with her. She's so unpredictable. The only thing you can predict is the unpredictability and I am very relieved to not have that on my mind daily. I just never knew where I stood from day to day. It was really nerve-racking. Sometimes I wonder if she's all there in the head. She's so charming and engaging; then she has this crazy side when she's mad; but it's all wrapped up in the most sweet looking, petite package you've ever seen. And the back and forth cyclical nature of our relationship is just crazy. It's almost ritualistic and timed like someone's bipolar cycling. She gets one epiphany per day.

 

Oh, and I'm not worried about her in terms of no contact I just don't want it to seem like I'm bitter and deleting people could do that. I did no contact before. She came running back. Here we are again. I don't expect it to work twice because of the law of diminishing returns. I'm just doing it because there's nothing left to say. Our time is up and she's checked out anyway. Before I went NC the first time I remember calling her and getting that irritated voice like what do you want? Asking her to come visit but she was always too busy. I've got too much pride to do that again.

Edited May 24, 2010 by paperchase

[DenverBachelor]

Right and wrong. Yes, she has personality issues and yes she's hot. She is very moody and cannot control her moods particularly during her cycle. She's a hottie, but I'm a very good looking man. She acknowledges the most handsome one she's ever dated.

 

Women don't use looks in the same way as men do during the beginning of a relationship. And if you've been in a relationship with an 8, 9 or 10, sooner or later you're going to get tired of her **** as well. What's the expression? Show me a hot woman and I'll show you a guy that's tired of her ****. Something to that effect.

 

I had the same thing -- early 30's dating mid 20's. She was very beautiful but had that "white picket fence" syndrome where she couldn't see herself settling down. She dated a bunch of guys in her past that didn't treat her very well and she had abandonment issues. It took the break-up and six months of soul searching to get a lot of perspective from that seven year friendship. Some things aren't exactly fun to look at -- sometimes when you're doing the exploratory mission internally, you'll uncover some wickedly nasty things about yourself that you have to change moving forward.

 

The best thing I can tell you to do is just end this now and be the bad guy. Someone has to do it and it sounds like you are in the same position my ex and I were in before moving to Denver -- only she met a guy at her best friend's wedding and decided to pull the plug one month into a new lease where we were living together. You don't want to go there -- it will get ugly no matter what you do.

 

End it now and hit the gym and find a woman who's a bit older if you really want to settle down. Or do what I'm doing and go out into the city and meet a new hottie each night and let yourself have fun that way.

 

The truth is we all want love -- but do we want one love out of a two-litter bottle or just shots of love throughout our lives. There isn't a right or wrong answer -- but even the two-litre bottle goes empty. It is very rare that anything lasts forever.

 

The best thing about living for the day in my situation is that I know it won't last forever. I know exactly what time I'm slipping out her window, never to see or hear from her again. It might not be the best way to go about living, but it is where I am now and I'm happy.

 

A lot of people will tell you how to live but look at them and see if their happy. If someone's not happy and giving you advice on how to be happy, perhaps you should put a mirror in front of them while they talk.

 

Just break it off. Do it today. It's going to suck, but much like going to the doctor's to get an exam or getting a root canal, the anxiety is a lot less by the time you sit in the chair, less still when the drill is in your mouth and before you know it, you're done.

 

Sucks, I know. Whether you're on the receiving end or the giving end, you're really on the receiving end -- the difference is when you receive yours.

[EricaH329]

I'm hoping this is a blessing in disguise. I know she wasn't the one but it sure seemed that way at first. I mean everything was so perfect and we even looked super hot together not to sound superficial. But I've tried so hard to make it work and it keeps failing and I just feel like I must not be good enough for her even though I know I'm a really good catch. It really sucks.

 

This is always the case, until you fully get over your ex and realize the faults in the relationship.

 

I'm hurt but not as bad as the first time. Maybe because I'm not up at night picturing her having sex with another man this time. Maybe because I'm desensitized. Maybe because I started meeting a few other women when I first started this thread and so I have some companionship.

 

You're not as hurt as before because this has been a re-occuring thing. You are used to this. After awhile, you become numb to the after effects. It has absolutely nothing to do with the other women you have been dating (which isn't a great idea btw). It's along the same lines of being burned in the same spot over and over again. You begin getting callouses in those areas, and you can't feel it anymore. You are used to it. Plain and simple. Which is the biggest notification that you should move on with your life.

 

She's so unpredictable. The only thing you can predict is the unpredictability and I am very relieved to not have that on my mind daily.

 

How is she unpredictable? She 'loves' you one minute, doesn't want anything to do with you the next. Sounds like a pretty predictable move to me.

 

Oh, and I'm not worried about her in terms of no contact I just don't want it to seem like I'm bitter and deleting people could do that. I did no contact before. She came running back. Here we are again.

 

I've never understood this. The idea that seeming 'bitter' to someone that has completely left you behind. Who cares?! When are you going to start thinking of yourself??

 

And since when does going NC and her returning have everything to do with her?? It takes two for that to actually work out. Both parties are at fault. Usually the one with the most common sense. I don't mean to be harsh, but I feel as though maybe now more than ever you need a little bit of tough love.

[paperchase]

I appreciate the tough love.

 

I'm hurting a lot right now but it's more of a numb feeling like you said. I'm still able to eat and I wake up at 6:30 AM this time instead of 4 AM like before. Focusing at work is tough but no hard deadlines missed. I have some other serious pressures and I'm pretty close to cracking. Haven't seen my kids in 20+ days, the ex wife has signed a contact without my knowledge to sell a property we still jointly own, valuable possessions were boxed in pods by her and shipped off site to god knows where, she filed a temporary protective order against me because I questioned her and she said my demeanor was threatening which is COMPLETELY FALSE...she's been trying to destroy me for over 3 years now and live my life looking over my shoulder to see what's next. 4 years now and I still haven't received my court ordered payout. Plus, she's rich. I do well, but she's rich.

 

So needless to say this emotional heartache is ill-timed. But then again when times are the worst that's when my GF always bolts. I guess that's when she decides she didn't sign up for this. And then she leaves...totally shutting me out. Like the day I got served with the protective order, she ignored me all day and didn't spend the night with me that evening. She acted resentful towards me like it's my fault my ex won't leave me be. That hurt. Then she went away and came back like a new person.

 

I take the greatest solace in the fact that maybe this will be for the better. That's the silver lining. I remember how devastated I was when my wife left me even though she was really really bad for me. I would have never ended things. And it was so hard as a committed father and husband to have your world turned upside down overnight. But it changed my life and opened my eyes and I've been steadily improving since despite her constant efforts to bring me down. My ex GF was a big part of my early improvement. She was a breath of fresh air and she convinced me to love again. i was damaged at the time.

 

But for the past 2 years she has put me through the ringer and is no longer that source of support and inspiration. She is now sucking the life out of me. So maybe, just maybe I'll be better off when I finally get over her. I'm sure she feels the same way about me because she's always saying how she tries to move on but keeps coming back for some reason. How she just can't stay away. Perhaps she has strengthened her resolve for good this time. Life really sucks.

Edited May 25, 2010 by paperchase

[northstar1]

Just try and think about the fact that when times were tough and you were having a rough time, she wasn't there for you. And that, is a sign of things to come if you had become serious with her. The sign of a strong relationship is how people react during the bad times, not the good. She clearly wasn't willing to stick it out during the low periods.

 

My breakup also happened during a tough period for me, so it was ampflied and left me reeling for weeks.

 

You'll get there my friend.

[paperchase]

Just try and think about the fact that when times were tough and you were having a rough time, she wasn't there for you. And that, is a sign of things to come if you had become serious with her. The sign of a strong relationship is how people react during the bad times, not the good. She clearly wasn't willing to stick it out during the low periods.

 

My breakup also happened during a tough period for me, so it was ampflied and left me reeling for weeks.

 

You'll get there my friend.

 

I know what you say is right but love does not make sense. Maybe it's not love but the need to be loved...the need to be loved in particular by someone who rejects us. I dunno. But I am scared of a future with someone who can change overnight and who won't be there for me when the chips are down. I wish I could turn it on and off like she seems to do. It would make moving on so much easier. Last communication was this past Sunday around 1pm and it seems like forever.

[paperchase]

This is always the case, until you fully get over your ex and realize the faults in the relationship.

 

 

 

You're not as hurt as before because this has been a re-occuring thing. You are used to this. After awhile, you become numb to the after effects. It has absolutely nothing to do with the other women you have been dating (which isn't a great idea btw). It's along the same lines of being burned in the same spot over and over again. You begin getting callouses in those areas, and you can't feel it anymore. You are used to it. Plain and simple. Which is the biggest notification that you should move on with your life.

 

Yeah I guess I am getting used to it. I started this post titled Handwriting on the Wall because I've seen it before so I recognized it. Still, it's like death: you know it's coming but you don't know exactly when.

 

How is she unpredictable? She 'loves' you one minute, doesn't want anything to do with you the next. Sounds like a pretty predictable move to me.

 

Great point. She is predictable in that she is unpredictable. Her shifts are so absolute. Like she's either 100% with me and against her mom and friends or 100% with them and against me. No balance and when she makes a decision, no changing her mind...that is until she rethinks it herself.

 

I've never understood this. The idea that seeming 'bitter' to someone that has completely left you behind. Who cares?! When are you going to start thinking of yourself??

 

I just prefer to appear apathetic and unphased...of course after I cry. Bitter is good but i don't really want them to know how I feel or what i think. That's one of the good thing about NC is you don't give them any feedback. They wanted you gone and now you are really gone. That might make them relieved or they may feel a sense of loss. If you are angry or bitter, I think they are less likely to miss you.

 

And since when does going NC and her returning have everything to do with her?? It takes two for that to actually work out. Both parties are at fault. Usually the one with the most common sense. I don't mean to be harsh, but I feel as though maybe now more than ever you need a little bit of tough love.

 

I didn't get this point. Can you explain?

[northstar1]

Ofcourse.

You want the thing that is fleeting from you and love makes us feel irrational at times. I had envisioned a future with my ex, but a series of blunders and potholes in the road left the relationship reeling and it never could recover, nor would she allow herself to believe it could. Once things got tough, she put on her parachute and began to look for an exit door.

 

Some of that behavior is immaturity, some is from a past of broken relationships that left her with no faith, but in the end, if someone is going to give up on things, then they aren't the right person for us anyways.

 

The hard part is truly accepting that lesson and moving on without looking back.

[paperchase]

Ofcourse.

You want the thing that is fleeting from you and love makes us feel irrational at times. I had envisioned a future with my ex, but a series of blunders and potholes in the road left the relationship reeling and it never could recover, nor would she allow herself to believe it could. Once things got tough, she put on her parachute and began to look for an exit door.

 

Some of that behavior is immaturity, some is from a past of broken relationships that left her with no faith, but in the end, if someone is going to give up on things, then they aren't the right person for us anyways.

 

The hard part is truly accepting that lesson and moving on without looking back.

 

I'm somewhere between hurt and mad. I just want to tell her how much she hurt me and how pissed I am but i know she won't care. I wish she were dealing with the type of emotions I am right now. If things don't get better, I'm going to need to take some time off work.

[northstar1]

I've been there. All I can offer is to stay busy with anything you can..

take a road trip to visit friends

exercise, it does wonders for your mood

go outside as much as you can, even to just get a coffee

hang out with people, friends even if you don't want to.

 

my healing with my last breakup was much delayed because i spent too much time at home alone with my thoughts. my own purgatory.

[EricaH329]

I didn't get this point. Can you explain?

 

What I meant by that, was that NC only becomes effective if you stick to it. No matter how many times she comes back to you, if you stick to NC, you'll be done with her for good. The minute that you give in and respond is the minute that you've allowed her back into your life. And allowing that to happen, only works if both parties are actively involved. So the blame can't be placed on her alone.

 

I know you are hurt and upset. You probably will be for awhile. But it does pass... just as the pain from your ex wife passed. Go out and meet new people. Try new things. I ran a 5K (well... attempted to at least ) a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards I can't explain how great I felt!! Try excersizing! And definitely hang out with your kids as much as possible.

 

You will get through this. You just have to rebuild yourself again. And the best thing about that, is that you can rebuild yourself to become whoever you want to be. It's very exciting! And who knows... maybe along the way you'll meet someone you really connect with. But until then, focus solely on yourself and putting back the pieces that your ex left behind.

[northstar1]

great advice erica.

[EricaH329]

great advice erica.

 

Thank you Northstar! And, as always, your advice is great also!

[paperchase]

oh god I gotta delete her from twitter and her girlfriend. I just read a thread where everyone's all chummy talking about a movie that my ex and one of her gf's went to but they didn't invite the other. the other is upset so the explanation is that my gf made her go by threatening to get [insert my name] on her. I'm supposed to be a no nonsense guy but the joke was in poor taste under the circumstances.

[EricaH329]

oh god I gotta delete her from twitter and her girlfriend. I just read a thread where everyone's all chummy talking about a movie that my ex and one of her gf's went to but they didn't invite the other. the other is upset so the explanation is that my gf made her go by threatening to get [insert my name] on her. I'm supposed to be a no nonsense guy but the joke was in poor taste under the circumstances.

 

That's not cute. You need to remove her from everything you can. That was very disrespectful. I really hope one day you'll realize that you deserve so much better.

[northstar1]

That is a very telling display of her immaturity. You really need to distance yourself from seeing anything like this. Social networking can be a dangerous tool under certain conditions, including post breakup.

[paperchase]

That's not cute. You need to remove her from everything you can. That was very disrespectful. I really hope one day you'll realize that you deserve so much better.

 

It was my GF's friend that tweeted the comment but I follow her too. She tried to delete it from the public timeline but it was too late: I saw it. The point is they were all in on the joke...So....they've all been blocked now and I also deleted my ex as a BBM contact. It's good because I think it's for the best and I got to do it without being the bad guy. It was in response to their poor taste. They'll probably just laugh it off and think I'm overly sensitive. Whatever.

[paperchase]

Today sucks. That empty feeling in my stomach is killing me. I so want to break NC. Last spoke to her this past Sunday around 1pm so this is only day 3 or 4 depending on how you count. I wonder if she's even thinking about me or if she's relieved that I've gone dark. A smoke signal would do wonders for my psyche which tells you how weak minded I am right now. I think if this weekend goes by without a peep I can pretty much assume I won't hear from her again. A new suitor cooked me dinner last night and pulled out all the stops. I couldn't get my mind off my ex though. I guess I'm damaged goods.

[northstar1]

Stay strong. Breaking NC will set you back again to Day 1.

Start thinking abotu why she wasn't right for you, rather than why she was.

 

I still get an urge to contact my ex, 2 months later and it's an acute pain that stabs me in the gut. But what would it achieve if I do? We are still broken up and I'd just feel terrible to hear her voice on the line in only a tone of friendship.

[EricaH329]

Today sucks. That empty feeling in my stomach is killing me. I so want to break NC. Last spoke to her this past Sunday around 1pm so this is only day 3 or 4 depending on how you count. I wonder if she's even thinking about me or if she's relieved that I've gone dark. A smoke signal would do wonders for my psyche which tells you how weak minded I am right now. I think if this weekend goes by without a peep I can pretty much assume I won't hear from her again. A new suitor cooked me dinner last night and pulled out all the stops. I couldn't get my mind off my ex though. I guess I'm damaged goods.

 

I'm so sorry you are having a tough day! Hang in there, it'll get better with time.

 

And no, you are not damaged goods. You are currently out of commission. But with a little time and effort to rebuild yourself, you'll be better than you ever have been before. Stay positive. I must have said this a few times before in this thread, but seeing other women right now is not a good idea. Not only will you not be able to connect with this other person on the emotional level needed to start a relationship (because those feelings needed are elsewhere at the moment), but it'll leave you feeling more lonely than before. You can't force this sort of thing.

 

The only thing you can actually do right now to make yourself feel better, is focus on yourself. Everything else is just a band-aid over the problem. I know it hurts, but now more than ever you should dive into the heart of the problem and begin fixing it yourself. You can only wallow for so long before it becomes a habit.

[paperchase]

Stay strong. Breaking NC will set you back again to Day 1.

Start thinking abotu why she wasn't right for you, rather than why she was.

 

I still get an urge to contact my ex, 2 months later and it's an acute pain that stabs me in the gut. But what would it achieve if I do? We are still broken up and I'd just feel terrible to hear her voice on the line in only a tone of friendship.

 

I know it will set me back to day 1. I don't want to hear the friendship tone. I hated getting the detached text messages once she made up her mind it was over. I want to write a letter...it would be letter #2. I want to tell her that I'm dating someone special and I'm scared of moving on. I want to set a place to meet and on a special day where we both show up if we want to work it out. But I know that she has to initiate any contact and, even if she does, I should not entertain it.

 

I know all the reasons she isn't good for me. Yet I keep going back to the days when those reasons didn't seem to exist. I keep wondering what went wrong. I keep thinking that other people interfered with our happiness n I keep wondering if this is really how it's supposed to end. I've done NC before but she chased and broke it. She called and texted even though I ignored her. She's been silent now since Sunday and I'm getting the feeling she has no intention of reaching out. That scares the crap out of me. After 2 months, I'd stop holding my breath but that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt all the same. I believe after 2 weeks of no contact, if they don't try to reach you with even a bread crumb, it's completely hopeless.

[paperchase]

I'm so sorry you are having a tough day! Hang in there, it'll get better with time.

 

And no, you are not damaged goods. You are currently out of commission. But with a little time and effort to rebuild yourself, you'll be better than you ever have been before. Stay positive. I must have said this a few times before in this thread, but seeing other women right now is not a good idea. Not only will you not be able to connect with this other person on the emotional level needed to start a relationship (because those feelings needed are elsewhere at the moment), but it'll leave you feeling more lonely than before. You can't force this sort of thing.

 

The only thing you can actually do right now to make yourself feel better, is focus on yourself. Everything else is just a band-aid over the problem. I know it hurts, but now more than ever you should dive into the heart of the problem and begin fixing it yourself. You can only wallow for so long before it becomes a habit.

 

I've never not had a woman or two I could call. I suck at being alone. It is confirmed I have abandonment issues. I had sex last night. I didn't intend to. I didn't think it was even a possibility. I don't think that was worse than sitting around alone pining for my ex. I'm looking for anyway to pass the time right now because it seems to be standing still. I don't know how to fix myself although I know I need fixing. And yes, wallowing is a habit. I have formed it well. Why do I want this so bad even though it's clearly not good for me? We were gorgeous together; like movie starts. I'm not exaggerating. Why were so many people so committed to keeping us apart? See, I am broken.