Has anyone got any

[Heather1]

Well....these are just lessons learned. Since I'm M too, I can see both sides of this. The way I stayed out of A's in the past is to do what he's doing now. If I found myself extremely attracted to someone, those are the people I'd steer clear of the most. I remember some single guy I met through a charity really hounding me, and I (kind of rudely) sent him a picture of my boys reminding him of "who I was." I liked him a lot, I just didn't want to start something I couldn't finish, which is what this man is telling you. And yeah, his daughter is at stake. He's trying to do the honorable thing by all of you. You'll be OK, just respect his wishes.

 

In my case, OM & I broke contact a month after your post (May?). Stayed in LC, tried the friend thing, didn't work, blah,blah, blah. I'm back to struggling w/ NC, initiated by me again. The ONLY way we could ever be friends is if I had no sexual feelings for him whatsoever. I have proved to myself, over & over, that no matter what my mind set is when I see or talk to him & my resolve that it will be "just friends" I really only want to see him naked. Sorry, it's true. When I don't want that, we can be friends.

 

You could take his attraction & keep tempting him, & he'll probably cave (because he's a guy), but the feelings just get worse & he might actually resent you for it later. You don't want that, leave it alone. He really sounds like he's struggling, help him out....as a friend....& let him do the right thing that he's trying so hard to do.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi I am new here does anyone have any advice for me. I hope not to be judged. I am struggling to feel positive today. I sent my 'ex' friend who is married, a message, which he read today (I know because I sent it via a social networking website and he has logged on) and I asked him never to contact me again and not talk to me if we see each other anywhere as it is the best thing for us both and straight away he deleted me off facebook which has upset me.

 

both bolded sets of words indicate that you really didn't mean what you said about never contacting each other.

you tell him to never contact you ever again and not speak if you see each other.

 

you didn't mean it...you wanted a response from him.

 

if you truly are committed to breaking contact, then deleting you from facebook is the best thing he could have done given your message to him.

 

 

And the facebook deletion, what's that all about

 

 

you.....telling him contact needs to stop all around and never to speak to you again:confused:

[bentnotbroken]

Well hello... is anyone who responded to my original post still here?!

 

A very difficult few months. He won't speak or correspond with me. Although I have had some intermittent replies to my contacting him (I just found it so hard to let go, not only that but I really did care about him and he was so f*cked up - his words - I didn't want to walk away). I have also had a quite funny response (nice funny) to something I put online. I saw him at an event in October, he was not with his wife (that night I mean) and he was lovely and friendly with me in front of everyone. I asked to speak with him privately to which he agreed. I said how are you, I have missed you. But he said 'DON'T'... looking at me and kind of saying don't tempt me, don't do this... I won't go into the conversation but he left me standing, after a heated conversation, he got his picture out of his daughter and said THIS is what is at stake here. He was very het up and agitated and asked me not to do 'this' and then left, almost running off into the night.

 

The next night I saw him again (day 2 of our event thingy) and he was in the pub with a group of our mutual friends. When I arrived we didn't speak even though we all stood together. It was hard to act cool. It was all bubbling up inside me though. He got his jacket and almost in a repeat performance of the previous night, ran off. I said to him - as he had to walk past me - you're going? He made some excuse. I said look, you and I were friends, and we've hurt each other and stressed each other out - he agreed - and I said let's just try to be nice to each other, I know you don't want anything to happen again (at this point we are standing quite close to our friends and they can't fail to wonder what's going on, although some of them know). We smiled at each other and said no hard feelings. (I don't have. I just hurt!). I said, come here give me a hug (quite normal in our group) and he said I don't even want to do that (smiling)! He couldn't touch me! I said jokingly, you hate me that much?! His reply: I... don't... hate... you... do... I... and he tails off. He then disappears out of the pub leaving himself alone wherever he went while our mutual friends and I are still in the bar together.

 

I then see him in the event although he is a few rows behind me in the auditorium and we smile and I gave him something for his daughter (I had some things to give out and I had a spare pink one which I thought she would like).

 

Later that night at the end of the event/evening, he comes up to me and gives me something nice (a souviner) that he's got for me. I was touched.

 

He then says goodbye, he's gotta go, he missed his train last night and needs to get going, and ran off out the door and into the night..! He wasn't seen again by any of us!

 

After that when we are all back home, he replied to two or three general posts by me on a social website that we both belong to. But no direct contact from either of us. I am still longing to speak to him even though I can't say it would change anything!

 

I texted him in November to tell him something related to our big interest and to ask him if he had a cd of a particular thing (which I won't identify to keep my anonymity), and could he lend it to me. Which he frequently did in the past, he used to lend me things or make me stuff all the time, was always offering in fact. He replied thank you etc and that he would have a look at what he had and get back to me.

 

Heard nothing since! Even though I have texted him again and said hello?! Any joy?! I have asked him what's wrong, how come he would reply to my text, comment on my posts, etc etc then not respond again. He's not speaking.? I would have liked to talk with him for longer but he didn't give me the chance.

 

It's difficult to say why I still want to contact him from the above isn't it, but I do.

 

I have had another man around for a few months but that isn't going anywhere, as nice as he is, he is not ready for anything.

 

*sigh*

 

How's everyone doing then.

 

I would slap a restraining order on you so fast and if that didn't work I would take the next step. Leave that man and his family alone. You don't need a mack truck to fall on your head to understand what he said about losing his child. :sick:You don't even care about hurting his family. You are wrong and you know it!

[Just a stone's throw]

Hey, PO. Glad you posted and I hope you'll receive what you need in the way of support. i haven't been on LS much but popped on tonight and saw your post. I think it's hard for those without kids (me included) to understand what APs (exAPs) struggle with when kids are involved and are so integral to their existence. Your post really got to me. But I can see now that these bonds with their children really are the grounding factor that is keeping them where they need to be. We need to let them go and forgo those things that are temptations for them no matter how much they validate us when they succumb to the temptation. It's just not worth it and an innocent child is at stake.

 

I've been that innocent child in the past and hopefully we can break this ridiculous cycle by putting a stop to it now.

 

Good luck PO and keep us posted.

 

JAST

[Spiritgirl]

I would slap a restraining order on you so fast and if that didn't work I would take the next step. Leave that man and his family alone. You don't need a mack truck to fall on your head to understand what he said about losing his child. :sick:You don't even care about hurting his family. You are wrong and you know it!

 

This really isnt about YOU. Yes it was wrong of him to chase you, but he came to his senses and has since been honest about not wanting contact. Get over yourself and let him be with his family. You have been teasing and encouraging him, like a temptress. Its one thing if he were still unsure about his marriage and pursuing you BUT HE'S NOT. He has made his choice. Please do the right thing now and back off!

[steelknife]

Yes, NC was the best decision I ever made. NC allowed me to really evaluate what I wanted in life and to really work on me. Staying in contact with MM was just too painful and my self-esteem was going down the toilet. It was so much better in the long run to have the time to get myself together really. By focusing on me, so many other things in my life either improved or fell into place. I truly have grown as a person if this makes sense. Did I like the hurt the A brought into my life, no...but, the life lessons I learned and the amount of self-reflection would not have taken place otherwise. Blessing in disguise if you will. It sure didn't seem like it at first though.

 

Well, MM did come back into my life after the 1st NC about 8 months after my polite please NC message. I did try to contact him during that time twice, but it didn't work out well and he did not respond. People will respond in their own time not yours, you know? I had to learn to be patient (which is definitey not one of stronger traits... lol). MM finally contacted me on my birthday. Simple message, but I realized that after all those months...he did not forget. I would say we then had sporadic contact over this past fall which instead of putting my foot down...I was just trying to stay in the "friend zone". Yeah, that didn't work so well and I was not happy. My fault for accepting his less than stellar behavior and acting like a doormat.

 

Since the holidays, we have been in sporadic contact again, but quite frankly, I find the inconsistency too annoying these days. MM tried in the last several weeks to contact me, but I wasn't terribly receptive at first. The when I did try, he went "invisible" online and I dropped him an IM letting him know you can see when someone is hiding...blah blah blah. I didn't point the finger at him, but I am sure he got the message. I haven't heard from him since (I bet the cat has his tongue), however I suspect at some point I will. I am still on his FB page (immature, but if that counts for anything).

 

If a person cannot step up to the plate and really be genuine and have a relationship with me, then I do not want to deal with them. That doesn't mean I don't care about them or miss them, but their poor behavior affects my psyche negatively. I have a life to lead and negativity has no place in it. As far as the NC goes, it has been about 2 weeks since MM contacted me and I sent him that IM. It is possible he will choose to not conact me again, but his loss if he doesn't. I have alot of good things going on in my life and to offer/share with others and he wants to either share those with me or he does not. To answer your question, I am coping just fine.

 

VBH

 

dear pink orchid,

the hardest part is staying NC. it hurts so much but clarity comes as you go further and further away from the sad reality. that it will never be.

like VBH, im on NC for 54 days now due to dday. it still hurts. and the humilaiton and rejection feeling is still there. i still ownder if he thnks of me. but ive accetped that it is over.

please do. try. it will not be easy. but try.

[Pink_orchid]

Well thank you for the posts!! Good to hear from you J.A.S.T. I will ignore the silly ones (i.e. he should get a restraining order, read the posts, he was still interested, he gave me something nice two months ago when we saw each other, he answered my last text, so if you can't say something sensible, don't bother!)

 

Anyway an update. He phoned me out of the blue today. I missed his first call and saw it on my phone (which I am kinda glad about, as it prepared me for the fact he would be/might be ringing, and I was then expecting it, whereas I wasn't before!). We had a chat for 45 minutes. He has moved out of the family home to stay with a friend 30 miles away. He left at the beginning of November but didn't tell me, didn't want to have any emotional interference as he put it lol, he just wanted to sort his head out, after seeing me in October, he knew he couldn't keep living a lie and stay in the marriage. He is coming to see me next weekend. Cautiously optimistic. I KNEW he wasn't happy when I saw him last time, I knew he was lying when he said it was 'over' but I couldn't do anything but leave him to come to that conclusion himself.

[bentnotbroken]

Well thank you for the posts!! Good to hear from you J.A.S.T. I will ignore the silly ones (i.e. he should get a restraining order, read the posts, he was still interested, he gave me something nice two months ago when we saw each other, he answered my last text, so if you can't say something sensible, don't bother!)

 

Anyway an update. He phoned me out of the blue today. I missed his first call and saw it on my phone (which I am kinda glad about, as it prepared me for the fact he would be/might be ringing, and I was then expecting it, whereas I wasn't before!). We had a chat for 45 minutes. He has moved out of the family home to stay with a friend 30 miles away. He left at the beginning of November but didn't tell me, didn't want to have any emotional interference as he put it lol, he just wanted to sort his head out, after seeing me in October, he knew he couldn't keep living a lie and stay in the marriage. He is coming to see me next weekend. Cautiously optimistic. I KNEW he wasn't happy when I saw him last time, I knew he was lying when he said it was 'over' but I couldn't do anything but leave him to come to that conclusion himself.

 

 

Anybody smell fish?

[Pink_orchid]

Thank you everyone. Bent, may I respectfully ask you what you have against me - smell anything fishy?? What a nice comment (?).

 

By the way, if you meant it's fishy about him not coming until next weekend, he lives a long way away, and it's not the sort of distance you could drive there and back in a day (and be back home for work on Monday morning).

 

My head is all over the place at the moment with what I've just heard about his having left, and I don't wish to go into too much detail about the situation on a open forum for obvious reasons. I just wanted to say, to everyone thinking that their MM has gone back to his family, that surprises do happen, if you give it time, feelings don't go away. I am geniunely surprised I must be honest, despite me saying I KNEW he would come back, I think I'd resigned myself to the fact that it was over. I know he was obsessed with me at one time, but he seemed to fighting fighting fighting it (quite well!). I dare not hope too much at this point, I am just going to meet up with him and talk. I am scared actually because I did love this guy, and felt so natural with him, I can't forget that, but I also can't forget how I've felt over the last few months, it's all a bit much, I need a drink.

Edited December 4, 2010 by Pink_orchid

[pureinheart]

Thank you everyone. Bent, may I respectfully ask you what you have against me - smell anything fishy?? What a nice comment (?).

 

By the way, if you meant it's fishy about him not coming until next weekend, he lives a long way away, and it's not the sort of distance you could drive there and back in a day (and be back home for work on Monday morning).

 

My head is all over the place at the moment with what I've just heard about his having left, and I don't wish to go into too much detail about the situation on a open forum for obvious reasons. I just wanted to say, to everyone thinking that their MM has gone back to his family, that surprises do happen, if you give it time, feelings don't go away. I am geniunely surprised I must be honest, despite me saying I KNEW he would come back, I think I'd resigned myself to the fact that it was over. I know he was obsessed with me at one time, but he seemed to fighting fighting fighting it (quite well!). I dare not hope too much at this point, I am just going to meet up with him and talk. I am scared actually because I did love this guy, and felt so natural with him, I can't forget that, but I also can't forget how I've felt over the last few months, it's all a bit much, I need a drink.

 

He sounds really stressed out, and it is hard to communicate every detail, although I do know what you are talking about.

 

I would find it rather odd and delve further as to "what is up" in your situation also.

 

The same thing happened to me, exDM was all over me for years and then all of a sudden backed off...hey that's cool, but at least tell me why. I found out later that a co-worker had talked to him and really screwed up his head...this co-worker was a psycho F anyway, although exDM was afraid of him because of past stuff.

 

PO, if I were you, I'd shelf this and be concerned about you. His W could be holding something over his head, he may want to deal with this on his own...whatever the case is he's tripping.

 

We have a tendancy to feel like we are the ones responsible when someone that we care about treats us in an unusual way...it's usually not us and all them...take care of you...easier said than done, but try at least.

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you everyone. Bent, may I respectfully ask you what you have against me - smell anything fishy?? What a nice comment (?).

 

By the way, if you meant it's fishy about him not coming until next weekend, he lives a long way away, and it's not the sort of distance you could drive there and back in a day (and be back home for work on Monday morning).

 

My head is all over the place at the moment with what I've just heard about his having left, and I don't wish to go into too much detail about the situation on a open forum for obvious reasons. I just wanted to say, to everyone thinking that their MM has gone back to his family, that surprises do happen, if you give it time, feelings don't go away. I am geniunely surprised I must be honest, despite me saying I KNEW he would come back, I think I'd resigned myself to the fact that it was over. I know he was obsessed with me at one time, but he seemed to fighting fighting fighting it (quite well!). I dare not hope too much at this point, I am just going to meet up with him and talk. I am scared actually because I did love this guy, and felt so natural with him, I can't forget that, but I also can't forget how I've felt over the last few months, it's all a bit much, I need a drink.

 

 

Why would you assume I have anything against you? That's a weird comment to make. :confused:I find chasing a MM a lot less than nice so let's not talk about nice and not so nice. I smell more than fish with his actions.

[Pink_orchid]

Hi guys I came back to this forum for the first time in a long while as I wanted to see what I had written two and a half years ago... I have moved on since then I am glad to say... maybe that fact will give hope to those struggling with no contact or pining for their MM. You may be surprised to know I'm not in love with this man any more... I see him for what he really is...

 

I won't bore you all with the list of everything that happened. But you will see from previous posts how much I loved him, how I tied myself up in knots over it...

 

I am not with him now and don't want to be. I got fed up of the disrespect and the constant flip flopping and mixed messages, I am not in contact with him and I don't know where he is or whether he is living with his wife or is somewhere else. He is with the wife I believe. What I do know is that he has recently done exactly what he did with me with one of our mutual 'friends'. He has been sending her messages, doing nice things etc. He hit on her. I don't know the outcome. I don't want to know. It does still hurt a bit. I do think 'How could you????' She's not even nice, she's older than me, and I use the term 'friend' loosely!

 

But my conclusion is, I don't love him and I don't want him any more. I would never trust him, once a cheater always a cheater. I don't think these men, these compulsive cheaters, love their wives either or have any respect for them or the lovers they get involved with. You can say I would say that! Maybe but I think I dodged a bullet! It was unfortunately a very painful journey but never the less a useful one.

 

Sad really I had such high hopes and adored him but he was not the man I thought he was that's for sure.

 

Is anyone still on here from two years ago, if so how are you?

[truthbetold]

Good for you! I'm glad you see the light and have moved on. I agree a serial cheat is going to rarely change "maybe" if and that's a big IF they want to change. Still an if.

 

Perhaps you can talk some sense into one of the OP's in deep denial on the serial cheating thread? Maybe she'll listen to you, then again I doubt it. But always worth a try to help. Your approach just may work.