A thought about affair sex..

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

[Just a stone's throw]

If the sex were boring it would have been a very quick affair. Fortunately/unfortunately, it was anything but and nothing I had experienced before so that part became a sort of addiction for me. Just my experience but am reading it more and more on LS. I think it would still be pretty great sex even if the affair ended and we had a permanent relationship but am not allowing myself to think about that, because it's not a reality.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

BEJ,

 

I've pm'd with some OW who said that the sex wasn't mind-blowing... a few have posted about it. But sure, its got to be more exciting than every day for 20 years married sex. For a single AP/OW though, I'm not so sure its the excitement or that its even ever "mostly" about sex whether or not love is involved.

 

For the WS or MP I think it is about the excitement. My spouse could be the best lover in the world but after 25 years its not going to be as exciting having sex with someone different, no matter how good, enthusiactic or competitive they might be. No spouse can compete with that, IMO.

 

Someone (spark maybe??) wrote the best post I've ever seen from a married woman's point of view toward her spouse. I'm going to see if I have any luck finding it.

[jennie-jennie]

I think in many affairs the story is the same as ours:

 

Two sex starved people who are in relationships with partners with a much lower libido than they have. When these two people are in a relationship with each other, ie with someone who has the same level of libido, the sex is going to be good. Then if, like in our case, there is compatibility intellectually and emotionally as well, that is going to be hard to beat.

 

My MM can't get enough of the fact that I desire him. He has never had that before.

[jennie-jennie]

I wonder if this also has something to do with what gender you are, and whether you are the OW/OM? I was a OW, and while I thought he was good, there were only a few times I would say were mind-blowing. On the other hand, as the OW, I always tried to pull out all the stops and make things mind-blowing for MM. Why? To be better than his W, sure. To keep him interested, definitely.

 

Obviously your experience is very different from mine, jthorne. I don't recognize myself in anything you are saying.

[ladydesigner]

I am one of those whose AP was hugely disappointing in bed. He was a great kisser, but boy we did not click in the sex department. That was when I realized WTF am I doing? Well of course I thought WTF am I doing before the A turned physical, but especially after. I had more of an emotional connection with my AP. It has made it easier to move on as well knowing he was bad in the sack, not only in size but also performance (sorry for the TMI).

 

My H is the best sexual partner I have ever had.

[jennie-jennie]

I wonder if this also has something to do with what gender you are, and whether you are the OW/OM? I was a OW, and while I thought he was good, there were only a few times I would say were mind-blowing. On the other hand, as the OW, I always tried to pull out all the stops and make things mind-blowing for MM. Why? To be better than his W, sure. To keep him interested, definitely.

 

Jthorne, no offense meant, but are you really saying that you kept that up for 19 years, "pulling out all the stops and making things mind-blowing for MM" "to be better than his W" and "to keep him interested"?

[hopeless4u]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

I don't usually comment on things like this but....

My xMM was my best friend 1st but we did connect in bed but I think that's because I trusted him. I've never been boring in the 'sex' dept but I need to feel safe and he made me feel safe enough to take things to the next level.

I don't think its about competition with the W, its about that connection.

[Brokenlady]

It was at least 6 months into the A before we had sex. It was always really good, but I was in love. I didn't go out of my way to be a porn star, because I was under the naive impression that he wasn't still shagging his xW - I didn't feel any competition with her. I did however feel much free-er with him than I was with previous partners, but that was just cause we connected so well. After he left his xW, the sex got even better (maybe he had more energy for me bc he wasn't doing his xW as much ). But by the end, we pretty much were just f-buddies, and it was utilitarian at best.

 

I've seen some MOW on LS saying the sex with OM was lousy. I think it mostly depends on your level of investment.

[grogster]

"Affair" sex is to "marital" sex as a filet mignon is to a Bag Mac. Affair sex is bubble sex. The lovers are in an idealized relationship unsullied by the daily domesticities of marital life. You take out the trash with your spouse; you sip champagne with your lover.

 

While very unfair that's how it goes.

[hopeless4u]

"Affair" sex is to "marital" sex as a filet mignon is to a Bag Mac. Affair sex is bubble sex. The lovers are in an idealized relationship unsullied by the daily domesticities of marital life. You take out the trash with your spouse; you sip champagne with your lover.

 

While very unfair that's how it goes.

 

I disagree, sorry.

The R I had with my xMM was not all roses and champagne, he dealt with his sh*t at home and helped me with mine, we argued and had fights and we did not by any means only share 'stolen moments of bubble sex'.

Every A is different and feelings run deep whilst in the A and when out of it.

[grogster]

I agree completely.

 

Arguing and having fights only heightens the tension. What is being referred to is the ho-hum drudgery of everyday life. VASTLY different, especially when one of you goes home every day.

 

 

One should never blame the betrayed spouse for infidelity. Her "crime" is that she's a spouse, not a bad or inattentive lover. It's the role, not the person, which matters.

 

That's why I believe it is virtually impossible to "affair-proof" a marriage.

[MadMission]

I think it is very interesting that the OW think their MM is being honest and truthful with them. That OW actually believe anything MM says...particularly about their BS and M. Really? You believe them?

 

All you have to go by...is what MM tells you.

And, if he wants to continue to f*** you, he's going to tell you want you want to hear which will always = his W is a disappointment in some way, shape, or form... but YOU are amazing.

 

YOU DO NOT KNOW HIS WIFE....AT ALL.

Oh, I'm sure you think you do.

But, you don't.

That is a fact.

 

Nor do you really know what goes on between them.

I imagine you think you do.

But, you don't.

That is a fact.

 

A shallow, selfish, immature man will 'go for' the shiny thing, take what he wants, use it, as many times as he can get away with....NOT because there is something 'wrong' with his W, but because he is shallow, selfish, and immature....and likely has some issues within himself which allow him to deceive, manipulate, and use 2 people the way a WS does.

 

Again, I just think it is very interesting that OW actually believe what the MM tells them...particularly about their BS and M.

 

I don't know who the bigger fool is...the W or the OW.

But, I would have to go with the one who knows their man (MM) is a liar...but continues in a relationship with them...actually buying into what they are told.

[Adrift]

I think it is very interesting that the OW think their MM is being honest and truthful with them. That OW actually believe anything MM says...particularly about their BS and M. Really? You believe them?

 

All you have to go by...is what MM tells you.

And, if he wants to continue to f*** you, he's going to tell you want you want to hear which will always = his W is a disappointment in some way, shape, or form... but YOU are amazing.

 

YOU DO NOT KNOW HIS WIFE....AT ALL.

Oh, I'm sure you think you do.

But, you don't.

That is a fact.

 

Nor do you really know what goes on between them.

I imagine you think you do.

But, you don't.

That is a fact.

 

A shallow, selfish, immature man will 'go for' the shiny thing, take what he wants, use it, as many times as he can get away with....NOT because there is something 'wrong' with his W, but because he is shallow, selfish, and immature....and likely has some issues within himself which allow him to deceive, manipulate, and use 2 people the way a WS does.

 

Again, I just think it is very interesting that OW actually believe what the MM tells them...particularly about their BS and M.

 

I don't know who the bigger fool is...the W or the OW.

But, I would have to go with the one who knows their man (MM) is a liar...but continues in a relationship with them...actually buying into what they are told.

 

 

I hate to admit it, because I'm still in my affair, but everything you've said here is true. Even though I love the guy, I often think that if he cheats this easily and without conscience on his wife he would do the same to me if we were ever together for real.

[Lizzie60]

As far as my affairs are going.. it is mostly great sex.. because it's 'secret', exciting, sexy... etc...

 

These guys, eventhough are not ALL sex-starved, are for most partly sex-starved... for example.. one has sex once every 4-6 weeks.. always the same position (cause madame hurts in other positions)... another one, he never gets oral.. his wife can't stand that in her mouth.. for others, it's the excitement of the 'affair'... the lingerie, the mood...etc..

 

Two of them, I am starting to think, are quite attracted to me.. even to a point they're saying the L word...

 

If the sex becomes too boring (and it has in the past).. I simply tell them it's over..

 

I had an invite this week from one I dumped about 4 years ago..

 

Am I competing... not one second.. I couldn't care less if they have sex with their wives every single night..

[wheelwright]

If I were making a porn movie, my M sex would be better (at least if I had a video diary).

 

If I were filming an erotic romance, my A would come out tops.

 

Because of the feelings, not the sex.

 

(Not that i do filming - just metaphor!)

 

I think you can feel 1. open and comfortable in sex, 2. passionate, and/or 3. in love.

 

I think a M or an A can have 1, 2 or 3 of these positive qualities in a sexual encounter.

 

I also think many Ms are built relying on just 1 or 2 out of the 3, and then if it looks like a MP will get all 3 with someone else, that's not easy to resist. It doesn't come along very often IME.

 

I also think M sex has 4. commitment in the equation, which for some may dull the experience, for others may heighten it. My M sex was heightened for a while with renewed commitment.

 

And A sex may have infrequency/excitement to add a string to its bow.

 

But basically, the qualities are there, or they aren't, they are reciprocated or one way in all 3 points.

 

In either type of relationship, if all 3/4 qualities are present, I think years will make little difference to fulfillment, though perhaps they would on quantity.

 

But that's just my experience.

 

If my A sex had not been good, I would have thought I was misguided and working with a crush or a friendship gone wrong. I had fallen for him prior to sex, and I felt he was a real love - the only I had experienced. The sex confirmed this. It was the only sex I ever had with all 3 in spades. 4 was mostly lacking, but I had hope!

 

I don't believe time and commitment would have dulled it. I only had 2 with my H, and time did not dull them, though lack of the others changed how I felt about involving myself with it.

[Dexter Morgan]

My MM can't get enough of the fact that I desire him. He has never had that before.

 

well of course. If you were married to him and you were the same old, same old person he has had sex with for years, he'd be finding someone else where the sex is "mind blowing"......until that gets old too.

 

some people are just not cut out for long term committment or marriage.

[troggleputty]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

Now I finally have the explanation for why my wife does all the deep thinking for the both of us. And the laundry.

 

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home?

 

Here are some other reasons:

 

1. People who have affairs--cheaters--are liars, as well. Why would you necessarily believe what anonymous posters tell you on the internet, esp. when they are self-selected for being cheating liars?

 

If they ALWAYS say how great the sex is, then obviously they're lying.

 

2. Need to boost egos--these sorts of personalities have to justify what they're doing somehow, it has to be "better" than "ordinary," licit sex, or else why bother?

 

3. The dirtyness/illicitness is the turn-on--cheaters get turned on by the fact of the cheating itself. It's dirty, it's naughty, it's illicit--and that makes it exciting.

 

Let's face it--if the cheaters were all that great in the sack, then why wouldn't they be able to have satisfactory sexual relationships with their legitimate partners? Part of being a good lover is knowing how to warm up a cold fish, isn't it?

 

Do cheaters ever blame themselves for the lack of sufficiently satisfying or sufficient quantity of sex in their "legitimate" relationships? Not hardly, I'd say. It's always the fault of the betrayed spouse. Always.

 

 

 

 

I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive?

 

I don't know since I've never actually had an affair. So I don't specifically know what affair sex is like. For me it probably wouldn't be enjoyable because I would feel guilty and afraid I might get caught.

 

IOW I have a conscience that actually works. Cheaters don't.

 

I think in reality that most cheaters are basically dysfunctional losers who are running away from their relationship problems rather than actually trying to fix them.

 

You have to remember when a cheater brags about having "great sex" with their AP, or MP, what are they comparing it to? An unsatisfactory primary relationship.

 

The best sex of all is the kind that you have if you are lucky in a long term, committed, faithful relationship. Yes there are ups and downs. But I can honestly say that my sex life with my wife after 20 years is MORE satisfying and more exciting than it's ever been. It gets better and better the longer we are together. Now honestly our frequency isn't what it used to be. But that's to be expected due to the aging process.

 

What could be more exciting and passionate than to be looking straight in the eyes of your partner whom you love, and to whom you've made a lifetime commitment, as you hit that climax? Nothing's better. No cheater has it better than I do. Sorry, but if cheaters can brag, then so can I.

 

Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

Please remember: People who cheat, are motivated to cheat because their primary relationships are unsatisfactory. In other words, they are failures in their primary relationships. OP's who are free agents, and involved with MP's, are such desperate failures at relationships that they don't even have anyone of their own with whom they can share an exclusive relationship.

 

Your question strikes me as amusing because it's sort of like asking a bank robber about honesty.

[troggleputty]

I hate to admit it, because I'm still in my affair, but everything you've said here is true. Even though I love the guy, I often think that if he cheats this easily and without conscience on his wife he would do the same to me if we were ever together for real.

 

 

What makes you think you're the only one he's cheating with now?

 

Many MM have multiple OW's that they juggle along with their spouse.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, sorry. I guess I shouldn't have answered then. I was in love, so I'll move along.

You're referring to those who have repeated affairs, or cheat on their spouses repeatedly (I don't consider a one night stand an affair.)?

If I'm reading this correctly, you're trying to understand your own H, and why he is addicted to sex, maybe? Maybe you're thinking he's addicted because it's something exciting and new and if it was boring, he wouldn't do it?

I don't know. I know for a lot of sex addicts, it's not about sex at all.

My apologies if I've assumed too much.

 

Oops, I should have moved along too then!

[BlueeyedJonesy]

no this is not about my M at all, my H has never had sex with another woman since we've been together... This is just a thought I had today and I value all of your opinions..I think its great to hear both sides.

 

JJ---you are in multiple affairs right? are they all love>?

[jennie-jennie]

no this is not about my M at all, my H has never had sex with another woman since we've been together... This is just a thought I had today and I value all of your opinions..I think its great to hear both sides.

 

JJ---you are in multiple affairs right? are they all love>?

 

Me? No. I have been the BS in two long term relationships prior to now being the OW for the last five years in a relationship with a MM who never before had an OW.

[JustJoe]

For me, the sex was great, before I even knew she was married. We had 3 or 4 weekends together, THEN she told me about H. IDK about her feelings, all I know is that she still (after D-Day) calls me wanting more.

[NoIDidn't]

"Affair" sex is to "marital" sex as a filet mignon is to a Bag Mac. Affair sex is bubble sex. The lovers are in an idealized relationship unsullied by the daily domesticities of marital life. You take out the trash with your spouse; you sip champagne with your lover.

 

While very unfair that's how it goes.

 

I've had so many men tell me this. Older men, over 65 that have cheated in their marriages. Young married guys. You name it.

 

It seems that they get into affairs for this very reason. They want sex with someone other than their spouse without their actual life being around.

 

One of the 65+ guys likened it to "eggs and steak" vs. "pancakes". He said his W was the "eggs and steak" but that he got tired of having it all the time. Plus, he really, REALLY liked "pancakes" as well - even if they did play with his blood sugar.

 

I had the strangest feeling that he was trying to get me into bed. LOL.

 

I'm sure affair sex is mostly good. And I don't see any long-term R competing with it.

[grogster]

I've had so many men tell me this. Older men, over 65 that have cheated in their marriages. Young married guys. You name it.

 

It seems that they get into affairs for this very reason. They want sex with someone other than their spouse without their actual life being around.

 

One of the 65+ guys likened it to "eggs and steak" vs. "pancakes". He said his W was the "eggs and steak" but that he got tired of having it all the time. Plus, he really, REALLY liked "pancakes" as well - even if they did play with his blood sugar.

 

I had the strangest feeling that he was trying to get me into bed. LOL.

 

I'm sure affair sex is mostly good. And I don't see any long-term R competing with it.

 

You're absolutely correct. At the end of the day, affair sex is just that: sex. The bonds of marriage, family, spouse and children are what should matter over the long term. In the end, an orgasm is simply an orgasm.