A thought about affair sex..

[OpenBook]

I thought this thread was about the OW competing with the BS, not how mind-blowing affair sex is:

 

I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive?

 

My answer to that is no, not usually. The OW isn't thinking about the BS at all (in most cases, she has never met her) - all of her thoughts and energy are directed at the MM and the extraordinary experience she is having with him. Unfortunately for the OW, this is an illusion, a House of Cards. He is simply getting some relief on the side from his daily stresses of life.

 

If anything, the OW usually can't compete with the M when you look at the big picture - i.e., the OW getting thrown under the bus at D-Day.

 

But why would she want to? A lot of times the MM comes back around to see the OW when the dust settles. What kind of marriage is that? And why would anyone want to be in it?

[atlnay]

I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

First, I wouldn't quit him if the sex became "boring" I actually like him. And second, the sex isn't mindblowingly good (on my part) because it's forbidden, if he wasn't M, it'd be the same kinda sex, for me.

 

I see what you're trying to get at with your point, but in my case when I'm with a sexually compatible person AND there is feelings, that's just the sex we have.

[Spark1111]

I agree with many points made here today:

 

I can only imagine how hot the sex would be with someone new who hangs onto your every word, thinks you are the most amazing person in the world, treats you with kindness and respect and consideration; compliments you constantly and finds your jokes still funny!

 

You are limited to the amount of time you can spend with each other and the anticipation of being together causes your hormonal build up to skyrocket!

 

You only present your VERY BEST SELF to this person, spend countless hours to impeccably groom, get your car washed, clip your nose hairs and/or shave your legs.

 

You work feverishly to plan a fun dinner, trip, meet up for a cup of coffee, cocktail. You clean your apartment, house, or car.

 

You light candles, buy and wear sexy lingerie, or even better, it is bought for you. You text, chat, or email all day long to keep the exquisite romantic and sexual tension sparking. You only speak kindly, tenderly, gently with each other.

 

Yes, I too would be ripping your clothes off when we meet!

 

Affair sex sounds a lot like dating.....when we first crashed into that person we fell in love with....committed to...and then stopped doing all of the above in our long term relationships, started complaining and whining, and then found someone "new" because it is oh so easier than doing the work necessary (See above) to keep the passion alive in our primary relationships.

[anne1707]

Affair sex sounds a lot like dating.....when we first crashed into that person we fell in love with....committed to...and then stopped doing all of the above in our long term relationships, started complaining and whining, and then found someone "new" because it is oh so easier than doing the work necessary (See above) to keep the passion alive in our primary relationships.

 

 

Spark

 

I agree with how you view affair sex. In the past I have also equated my three year affair to dating for three months because it was all without the pressures and routine of day to day life with snatched moments of time as opposed to days together at a time.

[Samantha0905]

Spark

 

I agree with how you view affair sex. In the past I have also equated my three year affair to dating for three months because it was all without the pressures and routine of day to day life with snatched moments of time as opposed to days together at a time.

 

I agree with this.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree with many points made here today:

 

I can only imagine how hot the sex would be with someone new who hangs onto your every word, thinks you are the most amazing person in the world, treats you with kindness and respect and consideration; compliments you constantly and finds your jokes still funny!

 

You are limited to the amount of time you can spend with each other and the anticipation of being together causes your hormonal build up to skyrocket!

 

You only present your VERY BEST SELF to this person, spend countless hours to impeccably groom, get your car washed, clip your nose hairs and/or shave your legs.

 

You work feverishly to plan a fun dinner, trip, meet up for a cup of coffee, cocktail. You clean your apartment, house, or car.

 

You light candles, buy and wear sexy lingerie, or even better, it is bought for you. You text, chat, or email all day long to keep the exquisite romantic and sexual tension sparking. You only speak kindly, tenderly, gently with each other.

 

Yes, I too would be ripping your clothes off when we meet!

 

Affair sex sounds a lot like dating.....when we first crashed into that person we fell in love with....committed to...and then stopped doing all of the above in our long term relationships, started complaining and whining, and then found someone "new" because it is oh so easier than doing the work necessary (See above) to keep the passion alive in our primary relationships.

 

And why would long term extramarital relationships be different in this regard than any other long term relationships? The hormonal rush subsides after a year or two whether it is an affair or not, I can testify to that.

 

Spark, I would think you have read enough posts on LS to know that what you describe above is not generally the case in long term extramarital relationships. It is true for the beginning stage of any relationship, but not for long term. Okay, I guess if it is a relationship for sex only perhaps where you meet up once in a while to go a round, but not for a long term deeply emotional relationship with a MM.

 

It is like there are a number of myths which the BS on LS struggle to hold on to despite hearing contradictory stories all the time. Do these myths make it easier on the BS to accept the infidelity?

[jennie-jennie]

Spark

 

I agree with how you view affair sex. In the past I have also equated my three year affair to dating for three months because it was all without the pressures and routine of day to day life with snatched moments of time as opposed to days together at a time.

 

I agree with OWoman's description of the pressure and routine of day to day life of two lives being bestowed on the relationship plus the additional pressure of the extramarital relationship iself. Perhaps your EMR differs more from mine than we have realized before, Anne.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree with this.

 

But then again, Samantha, your extramarital relationship only lasted a little more than half a year.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

 

But why would she want to? A lot of times the MM comes back around to see the OW when the dust settles. What kind of marriage is that? And why would anyone want to be in it?

 

Well, its exactly the kind of marriage that the MM chooses for himself, his wife and family. He wants it because he is selfish and is unable to grasp the fact that his miserable life isn't any more important that the peoples who he claims to love but manipulates and hurts so he can live his double (often more) life.

[anne1707]

Perhaps your EMR differs more from mine than we have realized before, Anne.

 

But I don't necessarily think that our affairs are that different. I think I just see it from a different perspective.

[Spark1111]

Jennie, I know we all post from OUR OWN personal perspective; but I do not believe it necessary to ALWAYS tell us how your relationship differs from the average affair. I get it and respect your truths as you portray them.

 

Please, once in a while concede my truths can also ring true!

 

It would certainly explain why so many affairs, either in the light of DDAY, or the WS being thrown out by the BS, or the affair partners FINALLY being together full-time go quickly......pssst caput, like the air being let out of the hot fantasy balloon.

 

Few, very few people, do long term relationships well, or well enough to all their needs met: emotional, pysical, sexual, romantic.

 

Those that do, never stop doing the work necessary to sustain those deeply passionate feelings. They never stop "dating" each other, and like Troggleputty says, there can be few things better than looking into the eyes of the person you have loved for over 20 years as you climax.

[John Who]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

 

You have a point,in fact a point I tried to bring up in another thread months back,maybe it was they way I said it,I said most ow compete against the w in many ways and sex being one of them,does not mean the sex is always better,it's just easier to get it from the ow.

[jennie-jennie]

Spark

 

I agree with how you view affair sex. In the past I have also equated my three year affair to dating for three months because it was all without the pressures and routine of day to day life with snatched moments of time as opposed to days together at a time.

 

But I don't necessarily think that our affairs are that different. I think I just see it from a different perspective.

 

If the bold above is true for you, our affairs are indeed very different. You will just have to take my word for it.

[anne1707]

If the bold above is true for you, our affairs are indeed very different. You will just have to take my word for it.

 

 

Maybe I am right and you are wrong - neither of us will ever know for sure.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, I know we all post from OUR OWN personal perspective; but I do not believe it necessary to ALWAYS tell us how your relationship differs from the average affair. I get it and respect your truths as you portray them.

 

Please, once in a while concede my truths can also ring true!

 

It would certainly explain why so many affairs, either in the light of DDAY, or the WS being thrown out by the BS, or the affair partners FINALLY being together full-time go quickly......pssst caput, like the air being let out of the hot fantasy balloon.

 

Few, very few people, do long term relationships well, or well enough to all their needs met: emotional, pysical, sexual, romantic.

 

Those that do, never stop doing the work necessary to sustain those deeply passionate feelings. They never stop "dating" each other, and like Troggleputty says, there can be few things better than looking into the eyes of the person you have loved for over 20 years as you climax.

 

And why would long term extramarital relationships be different in this regard than any other long term relationships? The hormonal rush subsides after a year or two whether it is an affair or not, I can testify to that.

 

Spark, I would think you have read enough posts on LS to know that what you describe above is not generally the case in long term extramarital relationships. It is true for the beginning stage of any relationship, but not for long term. Okay, I guess if it is a relationship for sex only perhaps where you meet up once in a while to go a round, but not for a long term deeply emotional relationship with a MM.

 

It is like there are a number of myths which the BS on LS struggle to hold on to despite hearing contradictory stories all the time. Do these myths make it easier on the BS to accept the infidelity?

 

Spark, there is no such thing as an average affair. There are different types of affairs. And I did state that what you posted could be true for a certain type of affairs, but I believe most OW posting on LS are in the kind of affairs with deeper emotional involvement. Are you saying, Spark, that your husband's affair was not of that kind? I don't know enough facts about your husband's affair or its duration to express any opinion of it. If your husband's affair was indeed of the lesser emotional involvement kind, I understand your post. It is the generalization I react against. Nowhere in your post was it to be found that what you said was not meant to be true for all affairs.

 

I would say that I generally post from the presumption that most affairs discussed on LS are of the same kind as mine, the deeper kind of emotional involvement affair, so I don't understand why you are saying that I continually point out that my relationship is of a different kind. Perhaps I too should be more careful of pointing out which kind of affairs I am describing.

 

To me it is not the amount of time spent together, it is the level of intimacy established which makes for the look in the eyes as you climax. Remember I had a 25 year long relationship before my relationship with MM, so I have the experience of both.

[jennie-jennie]

Maybe I am right and you are wrong - neither of us will ever know for sure.

 

I know I am correct in that my relationship is very different from how it was in the beginning stages. Our relationship has evolved a long way since then. Also this is my third long term relationship. I can compare my present relationship with my prior relationships, and see how the intimacy we have is deeper than the one I shared with my SOs prior in life.

[Samantha0905]

But then again, Samantha, your extramarital relationship only lasted a little more than half a year.

 

Oh -- don't get me wrong jennie. I agree with your posts also as far as this is concerned. I mean -- you would know as far as what the reality is in your long term extramarital relationship.

 

I simply meant in my own affair we did not share the things of every day life -- including the mundane and the stressful.

 

And I do think the "new" would wear off, but also think that would occur in any relationship.

 

I have no idea if the wonderful experience that was the sex life part of my affair would have endured long term. As you know, I'm coming from my own special place as far as my marriage sex life is concerned. I would hope sexual attraction could remain long term in any relationship where it existed in the first place -- and I imagine the passion behind the sex would ebb and flow over time.

[Hazyhead]

I agree with many points made here today:

 

I can only imagine how hot the sex would be with someone new who hangs onto your every word, thinks you are the most amazing person in the world, treats you with kindness and respect and consideration; compliments you constantly and finds your jokes still funny!

 

You are limited to the amount of time you can spend with each other and the anticipation of being together causes your hormonal build up to skyrocket!

 

You only present your VERY BEST SELF to this person, spend countless hours to impeccably groom, get your car washed, clip your nose hairs and/or shave your legs.

 

You work feverishly to plan a fun dinner, trip, meet up for a cup of coffee, cocktail. You clean your apartment, house, or car.

 

You light candles, buy and wear sexy lingerie, or even better, it is bought for you. You text, chat, or email all day long to keep the exquisite romantic and sexual tension sparking. You only speak kindly, tenderly, gently with each other.

 

Yes, I too would be ripping your clothes off when we meet!

 

Affair sex sounds a lot like dating.....when we first crashed into that person we fell in love with....committed to...and then stopped doing all of the above in our long term relationships, started complaining and whining, and then found someone "new" because it is oh so easier than doing the work necessary (See above) to keep the passion alive in our primary relationships.

 

An excellent post Spark. I did all this (not saying I wouldn't normally mind... well, except the car (shamefully messy)). But, my affair lasted just over a year so it was still at that magnetic stage and I'll never know how it would have changed. If at all. When we first began, we were not in love and the sex was wild and exciting with possibility. As the love grew, the sex became wonderful but still kept the wild side. I'm trying now to be optimistic with the hope that in any relationship I move into, I'll take that openness and sense of sexual adventure with me but at the same time look forward to the intense love-making.

 

Can't affairs also, in some cases, extend the enjoyment of sex to the marriage in the long term, in a kind of reigniting way?

[anne1707]

I know I am correct in that my relationship is very different from how it was in the beginning stages. Our relationship has evolved a long way since then. Also this is my third long term relationship. I can compare my present relationship with my prior relationships, and see how the intimacy we have is deeper than the one I shared with my SOs prior in life.

 

 

I totally agree that you know how your affair compares to your other relationships but you do not know how it compares to any relationships I have ever had. Therefore you cannot outright say that my affair was very different to yours.

[Spark1111]

Spark, there is no such thing as an average affair. There are different types of affairs. And I did state that what you posted could be true for a certain type of affairs, but I believe most OW posting on LS are in the kind of affairs with deeper emotional involvement. Are you saying, Spark, that your husband's affair was not of that kind? I don't know enough facts about your husband's affair or its duration to express any opinion of it. If your husband's affair was indeed of the lesser emotional involvement kind, I understand your post. It is the generalization I react against. Nowhere in your post was it to be found that what you said was not meant to be true for all affairs.

 

I would say that I generally post from the presumption that most affairs discussed on LS are of the same kind as mine, the deeper kind of emotional involvement affair, so I don't understand why you are saying that I continually point out that my relationship is of a different kind. Perhaps I too should be more careful of pointing out which kind of affairs I am describing.

 

To me it is not the amount of time spent together, it is the level of intimacy established which makes for the look in the eyes as you climax. Remember I had a 25 year long relationship before my relationship with MM, so I have the experience of both.

 

My husband's affair was deeply intensely emotional: He thought of marrying her, began making lists of who was the better choice; discussed this with his sister all unbeknownst to me!

 

When DDAY hit, I threw him out and told him to go get her; if I had written texts with that much passion in it, I'd be long gone. It wasn't his FEELINGS FOR HER that destroyed me; it was that he lied to my face and betrayed me for so long that brought me to my knees.

 

I later found out he moved in with her. It lasted 3 weeks. They began to argue over me, the BS, that he was now desperate to see, talk to, be in touch with; formerly the spouse he couldn't emotionally connect with; who was only in it for the paycheck; who didn't care about him, blah, blah, blah.

 

My heart broke for her.

 

You have been a member of LS long enough to know this IS AN OFTEN OCCURRING SCENARIO, JENNIE!

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Spark, Your replies are always dead on with me. excellent points.

 

JJ-I'm sorry I was mistaking you for another poster. I'm sorry that you are a former BS but it sounds like your happy now.

[jennie-jennie]

Spark

 

I agree with how you view affair sex. In the past I have also equated my three year affair to dating for three months because it was all without the pressures and routine of day to day life with snatched moments of time as opposed to days together at a time.

 

If the bold above is true for you, our affairs are indeed very different. You will just have to take my word for it.

 

I totally agree that you know how your affair compares to your other relationships but you do not know how it compares to any relationships I have ever had. Therefore you cannot outright say that my affair was very different to yours.

 

Which is why I stated that my conclusion was made with referral to what you posted. I was actually trying to be considerate in trying to understand that your experience might be as real as mine although it apparently differed so vastly.

[anne1707]

Which is why I stated that my conclusion was made with referral to what you posted. I was actually trying to be considerate in trying to understand that your experience might be as real as mine although it apparently differed so vastly.

 

 

Yes my experience was real!

 

And you think it differs so vastly whilst I just think I see similar things differently to you (just as I saw things differently to now whilst I was in the affair). - if that makes sense

[jennie-jennie]

Spark, Your replies are always dead on with me. excellent points.

 

JJ-I'm sorry I was mistaking you for another poster. I'm sorry that you are a former BS but it sounds like your happy now.

 

Thanks BEJ, life is strange, is it not, yes, I am much happier as the OW than I ever was as the BS in my prior relationship. MM and I are just so much more compatible than my exSO and I ever were.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes my experience was real!

 

And you think it differs so vastly whilst I just think I see similar things differently to you (just as I saw things differently to now whilst I was in the affair). - if that makes sense

 

It does, Anne, I understand where you are coming from. We will just have to agree to disagree about how we look at things.