A thought about affair sex..

[jennie-jennie]

My husband's affair was deeply intensely emotional: He thought of marrying her, began making lists of who was the better choice; discussed this with his sister all unbeknownst to me!

 

When DDAY hit, I threw him out and told him to go get her; if I had written texts with that much passion in it, I'd be long gone. It wasn't his FEELINGS FOR HER that destroyed me; it was that he lied to my face and betrayed me for so long that brought me to my knees.

 

I later found out he moved in with her. It lasted 3 weeks. They began to argue over me, the BS, that he was now desperate to see, talk to, be in touch with; formerly the spouse he couldn't emotionally connect with; who was only in it for the paycheck; who didn't care about him, blah, blah, blah.

 

My heart broke for her.

 

You have been a member of LS long enough to know this IS AN OFTEN OCCURRING SCENARIO, JENNIE!

 

Ouch, my ears are hurting.

 

I know that is an often occurring scenario, the flip flopping. It was your post about the "dating scenario" which confused me. Are you saying that was the case for your husband and his OW? How long was their affair? I just can't see that happening in the long run.

 

I know all too well that I have no idea if our relationship will last past Dday. This does make me uncomfortable. I do not want to spend my entire life in an untested relationship.

[Lizzie60]

Troggleputty...

 

1. People who have affairs--cheaters--are liars, as well. Why would you necessarily believe what anonymous posters tell you on the internet, esp. when they are self-selected for being cheating liars?

 

Why would they lie on the Internet.... anyone can 'create' an identity on the Internet just to prove to others that cheating is dirty, illicit, etc..

 

 

Let's face it--if the cheaters were all that great in the sack, then why wouldn't they be able to have satisfactory sexual relationships with their legitimate partners?

 

Because after many years.. sex becomes sometimes part of the chores..

 

For me it probably wouldn't be enjoyable because I would feel guilty and afraid I might get caught.

 

Oh-Oh..you forgot one reason.. because you love your partner..

 

IOW I have a conscience that actually works. Cheaters don't.

 

ha-hem..

 

The best sex of all is the kind that you have if you are lucky in a long term, committed, faithful relationship.

 

Not necessarily.. most couples do not keep the 'excitement' over the years..

 

Yes there are ups and downs. But I can honestly say that my sex life with my wife after 20 years is MORE satisfying and more exciting than it's ever been. It gets better and better the longer we are together. Now honestly our frequency isn't what it used to be. But that's to be expected due to the aging process.

 

So you're one of the 'rare' lucky people..

[Hazyhead]

Ouch, my ears are hurting.

 

I know that is an often occurring scenario, the flip flopping. It was your post about the "dating scenario" which confused me. Are you saying that was the case for your husband and his OW? How long was their affair? I just can't see that happening in the long run.

 

I know all too well that I have no idea if our relationship will last past Dday. This does make me uncomfortable. I do not want to spend my entire life in an untested relationship.

 

JJ, are you ever tempted to blow it out into the open? To see which way he would go? (Sorry for the TJ, BEJ )

[jennie-jennie]

Ouch, my ears are hurting.

 

I know that is an often occurring scenario, the flip flopping. It was your post about the "dating scenario" which confused me. Are you saying that was the case for your husband and his OW? How long was their affair? I just can't see that happening in the long run.

 

I know all too well that I have no idea if our relationship will last past Dday. This does make me uncomfortable. I do not want to spend my entire life in an untested relationship.

 

I tried to edit and add, but it was too late:

 

This thread is about affair sex. What I am saying is that although the hormonal rush wears off in all relationships, affairs or not, the sex can continue to be good if the two partners are sexually compatible and have the same level of libido. I see no difference between affair sex and any relationship sex, the key is the compatibility of the partners.

[jennie-jennie]

JJ, are you ever tempted to blow it out into the open? To see which way he would go? (Sorry for the TJ, BEJ )

 

I wouldn't mind it blowing out into the open by a Dday to tell the truth, but I could not be the one who caused it. Yesterday his daughter caught him talking on the phone to me about very intimate family business. He gaslighted her. He had to make up an explanation why he would be discussing such intimate family business with anyone outside the family. Had he decided to tell the truth, I would not have minded, rather the opposite, I detest his denying my existence.

 

But I can not force a Dday upon him since I believe in the split self theory, where a Dday will not make it any easier for him to solve his issues and find his own will in all of this.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

My H is the most compassionate lover I've ever had and I plan on keeping it that way. I'm not in anyway saying that A sex is better than M sex..I guess what I'm trying to ask is if A sex is like ongoing HB (hysterical bonding) because in a way you knw that it could be over at any moment? I think its split..

[Spark1111]

Ouch, my ears are hurting.

 

I know that is an often occurring scenario, the flip flopping. It was your post about the "dating scenario" which confused me. Are you saying that was the case for your husband and his OW? How long was their affair? I just can't see that happening in the long run.

 

I know all too well that I have no idea if our relationship will last past Dday. This does make me uncomfortable. I do not want to spend my entire life in an untested relationship.

 

Jennie, there is way too much literature out their regarding the male libido to dismiss: his LACK of availability and certainty in being with a sexual partner HEIGHTENS his libido big time....whether he be dating or in an affair relationship.

 

The uncertainty....keeps it enticing.

 

There are even certain disciplines and religions that reccommend the planned physical avoidance of a long term partner to heighten a man's libido towards that partner.

 

Which may explain affair sex and HB or reclaiming sex. As the former hunter-gatherers....the pursuit and uncertainty CAN BE what drives a male libido.

 

Just a consideration, I think.

[Got it]

I think in many affairs the story is the same as ours:

 

Two sex starved people who are in relationships with partners with a much lower libido than they have. When these two people are in a relationship with each other, ie with someone who has the same level of libido, the sex is going to be good. Then if, like in our case, there is compatibility intellectually and emotionally as well, that is going to be hard to beat.

 

My MM can't get enough of the fact that I desire him. He has never had that before.

 

Bingo!!! That is us to a T. Add love and trust and it was and still is mind blowing! It is still mind blowing even during the transition into a regular ole relationship. Just the mechanics of it is good so even maintenance sex is great.

[Got it]

My H is the most compassionate lover I've ever had and I plan on keeping it that way. I'm not in anyway saying that A sex is better than M sex..I guess what I'm trying to ask is if A sex is like ongoing HB (hysterical bonding) because in a way you knw that it could be over at any moment? I think its split..

 

I think what it comes down to is who you are most sexually compadible with. My ex husband and I never were. Was sex good at points, sure, there was love there, but was the mechanics of it any good? Nope. I almost always left feeling dissatisfied and not done. There were plenty of times I "took care of things" after he fell asleep next to me.

 

And no I do not think, for my EMR, that it was thought it would end suddenly. Maybe our EMR was different but it wasn't a shot in the dark, once in a blue moon of seeing each other. It was like dating so 5 days a week, etc so that would have been hard to sustain if we both weren't into the sex for the sex. Sure in the beginning there was lingerie, etc but some months later, nah. We just click in the bedroom and it is getting better with time. It doesn't have the urgency that it did in the beginning, no 6 times in one night kind of thing, but it is very satisfying.

 

I can't speak for others but I know my relationships in the past and currently and can see that we are just compatible in many areas.

[OWoman]

OP's who are free agents, and involved with MP's, are such desperate failures at relationships that they don't even have anyone of their own with whom they can share an exclusive relationship.

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Keep telling yourself whatever you need to hear to get you through the day...

 

Nothing could be further from the truth!

 

ANYONE can be married - you simply have to stop saying no to all the guys - SGs and MMs - who propose.

[OWoman]

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

I'm not sure I've ever had a "I just can't quite them" kind of A - I'm not really sure what that is. I've had several As, and yes, they've all involved crash-hot sex. All of my Rs have, whether with SGs or MMs - I don't waste time on tepid sex. So yes, crash-hot sex would be a minimal requirement in any R, whether A or anything else.

 

Does it have anything to do with competitiveness? No. Why would it? When I shag a SG, I'm not competing with any of his fGFs. I'm having sex. I'm thinking of him, here, now, and me, here, now - not any woman he's bonked in the past, or might bonk in the future. And it's exactly the same with a MM. Nor do I, when I'm having sex, compare that lover with any of my other lovers, past present or prospective. To me, sex is all about being in the moment, with whoever you're with. Other people, other times, other frames of reference don't feature.

 

I can't compare HB because I've never been a BS, but frankly, the BW doesn't even exist in my mind when I'm in an A. There's no competition, and no need for any. If I wanted to "be her" I would; but why would I? I'd far rather be me. Why does the BS have this notion that there must be competition, that the OP must somehow want to be them, or compete with them? It isn't something I understand at all, nothing I can remotely relate to.

[atlnay]

I can only imagine how hot the sex would be with someone new who hangs onto your every word, thinks you are the most amazing person in the world, treats you with kindness and respect and consideration; compliments you constantly and finds your jokes still funny!

 

You are limited to the amount of time you can spend with each other and the anticipation of being together causes your hormonal build up to skyrocket!

 

You only present your VERY BEST SELF to this person, spend countless hours to impeccably groom, get your car washed, clip your nose hairs and/or shave your legs.

 

You work feverishly to plan a fun dinner, trip, meet up for a cup of coffee, cocktail. You clean your apartment, house, or car.

 

You light candles, buy and wear sexy lingerie, or even better, it is bought for you. You text, chat, or email all day long to keep the exquisite romantic and sexual tension sparking. You only speak kindly, tenderly, gently with each other.

 

Yes, I too would be ripping your clothes off when we meet!

 

Affair sex sounds a lot like dating.....when we first crashed into that person we fell in love with....committed to...and then stopped doing all of the above in our long term relationships, started complaining and whining, and then found someone "new" because it is oh so easier than doing the work necessary (See above) to keep the passion alive in our primary relationships.

 

Not trying to be dim, and it's more a rhetorical question, but why would/should any of the bolded stop when you are with the person you LOVE & chose to commit to for life? Not dating or trying to impress. Why wouldn't you groom yourself to please the person you now LOVE & are committed to for life the same way you went out of your way to do when you were trying to win them over? And it can't be no time or too tired or to comfortable etc etc etc if you end up leaving that R and going back into the dating world, you're going to have to do all those things to win someone else over anyway, so yea, I don't get why that should stop (slow down maybe) but not stop happening for the person you LOVE & made a lifetime commitment to be with.

[jennie-jennie]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Keep telling yourself whatever you need to hear to get you through the day...

 

Nothing could be further from the truth!

 

ANYONE can be married - you simply have to stop saying no to all the guys - SGs and MMs - who propose.

 

ROTFL

So true, so true! :lmao:

[jennie-jennie]

I can't compare HB because I've never been a BS, but frankly, the BW doesn't even exist in my mind when I'm in an A. There's no competition, and no need for any. If I wanted to "be her" I would; but why would I? I'd far rather be me. Why does the BS have this notion that there must be competition, that the OP must somehow want to be them, or compete with them? It isn't something I understand at all, nothing I can remotely relate to.

 

Exactly. Another one of the myths BS prescribe to. You would think those who post on LS for some time would understand that is usually not the case since the majority of us who are/have been the OW repeatedly say it is not true. (I know you are pretty new here, BEJ, so I don't mean you.)

 

Hysterical bonding interests me. I can't remember this happening to me and my second SO, but then his libido was always too low for me, so anything hysterical on his part would probably be likely to still not be enough for me. :cool: And my first SO and I were in bed all the time anyway, so I wouldn't have noticed the difference.

[troggleputty]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Keep telling yourself whatever you need to hear to get you through the day...

 

Nothing could be further from the truth!

 

ANYONE can be married - you simply have to stop saying no to all the guys - SGs and MMs - who propose.

 

 

Wow that's a lot smileys.

 

Extreme laughter like that, often hides the tears.

[troggleputty]

ROTFL

So true, so true! :lmao:

 

 

From where I sit, there's a lot of pathos under those smileys, ladies.

[troggleputty]

Not trying to be dim, and it's more a rhetorical question, but why would/should any of the bolded stop when you are with the person you LOVE & chose to commit to for life?

 

I can't speak for anyone else, obviously.

 

However, imagine if you're a person who's never been able to establish a healthy, long-term, committed, monogamous relationship in your entire life. You might not be able to answer that question. You'd have nothing to compare it to.

 

So yes, in that case, affair sex might seem like the be-all and the end-all.

 

A lot of people at LS who identify as being involved in affairs, either as the married person or the affair partner, seem to have adopted this life style in a very long term, or semi-permanent way. Or perhaps permanently. It's almost as if they've completely given up hope of ever being able to have a monogamous, long term, committed relationship based on honesty rather than infidelity.

 

Part of that mind-set might require such a person to fail to admit, at least publicly, any deficiencies with such a lifestyle. It's an ego defense.

 

As a married person who is generally happy, I can admit that there are ups and downs, but overall it's a pretty good deal. I don't have any real need to have to pretend it's all rainbows, butterflies and unicorns.

 

But yes in answer to your question, part of sustaining a long term relationship is that it does require work and you do have to actually make a conscious effort to "keep the flame alive."

 

But, if you've never experienced that flame--as many people involved in affairs on a long term basis seem not to--this notion that an honest relationship can be "better" than an affair because it's honest, and therefore real, and therefore worthwhile to keep working on it over the years--it's just not something that they can really relate to.

 

 

Not dating or trying to impress. Why wouldn't you groom yourself to please the person you now LOVE & are committed to for life the same way you went out of your way to do when you were trying to win them over?

 

Maybe they've never had a relationship like that in the first place. So they take second best or third best or fourth best...and convince themselves that, since this is the best that they're ever going to do, then it has to be the best that anyone can ever do. But it's not.

 

And it can't be no time or too tired or to comfortable etc etc etc if you end up leaving that R and going back into the dating world, you're going to have to do all those things to win someone else over anyway, so yea, I don't get why that should stop (slow down maybe) but not stop happening for the person you LOVE & made a lifetime commitment to be with.

 

Lots of people apparently have attachment disorders which make it difficult for them to ever really become close or truly intimate with someone else. Unless they address those issues directly, they might get stuck in a patter of unsatisfactory relationships.

 

One thing people in affairs never have to worry about is actually having to make a 100% commitment to their affair partner.

 

If you don't put it all out there, 100%, then you can never really be hurt the way you could be if you committed absolutely everything to another human being.

[PhoenixRise]

HMMMMMMM

 

Well I can't speak about every OW in the world but I know my H's FOW absolutely did try to compete with me. I saw a great deal of their correspondence and i spoke to her myself several times. It was very evident.

 

I don't think this competition is present in every affair dynamic. For instance in OWoman's case I can see how this dynamic would not be present because she was not looking for exclusivity with her AP's. She didn't want them to leave for her and as far as I can remember she was not in love with any of them or hoping they would chose her. When she did fall for an AP and decide to build a life with him his wife apparently had mental issues and was abusive and OWoman was never on the hook waiting for him to chose her.

 

But to extrapolate this type of affair into an assertion that there is no competitiveness on the part of any OW is a stretch. It is not a myth if it really happens. It does happen. It happened in my triangle.

[jennie-jennie]

From where I sit, there's a lot of pathos under those smileys, ladies.

 

Yeah, where do you sit, Troggle? What is your story? What brings you to LS?

[NoIDidn't]

Part of that mind-set might require such a person to fail to admit, at least publicly, any deficiencies with such a lifestyle. It's an ego defense.

 

I agree. And when I read the words "hurtful", "too painful", or "humiliating" when it comes to simply admitting that another opinion is just as valid as another's experience, it only lends support to the idea that its an "ego defense".

 

But affairs aren't the only place where this happens, to be somewhat fair. But since we are in the Infidelity Forum, I am talking about affairs in this case.

[Davnnic]

If the sex were boring it would have been a very quick affair. Fortunately/unfortunately' date=' it was anything but and nothing I had experienced before so that part became a sort of addiction for me. Just my experience but am reading it more and more on LS. I think it would still be pretty great sex even if the affair ended and we had a permanent relationship but am not allowing myself to think about that, because it's not a reality.[/quote']

If the sex were boring it would have been a very quick affair.

 

Absolutely true-at times I wonder what we would do together if we didn't default to sex...it is amazing,mind-blowing, awesome. THere are so many times when we are arguing or not getting along, or tense due to our situation, that I think to myself, just f*ck me, because we know we can do that perfectly! Which is why I question our R now-we declare our love for one another, however...

[NoIDidn't]

Not trying to be dim, and it's more a rhetorical question, but why would/should any of the bolded stop when you are with the person you LOVE & chose to commit to for life? Not dating or trying to impress. Why wouldn't you groom yourself to please the person you now LOVE & are committed to for life the same way you went out of your way to do when you were trying to win them over? And it can't be no time or too tired or to comfortable etc etc etc if you end up leaving that R and going back into the dating world, you're going to have to do all those things to win someone else over anyway, so yea, I don't get why that should stop (slow down maybe) but not stop happening for the person you LOVE & made a lifetime commitment to be with.

 

I know you said don't say its "no time" or "too tired", but its true. Not to mention, the very same MP that is sprucing themselves up for an OP also aren't doing it for that tired spouse.

 

Its so easy to try and blame the one that the MP blames for things, until you are willing to see that obviously THEY aren't doing anything to help that situation either.

 

Affair sex is based on fantasy thinking, IMO. People in a fantasy mindset are more than willing to "dress the part" for their fantasy partner.

[atlnay]

Affair sex is based on fantasy thinking' date=' IMO. People in a fantasy mindset are more than willing to "dress the part" for their fantasy partner.[/quote']

 

The point I'm trying to make is this, I don't see how fantasy mindset plays a part when the reality (for me) is the things I do for my MM are the same things I did when I was in Rs in the past.

 

Longest R I had was a lil under 6 years and only ended due to distance when I moved towards the end of things, but up to that point, we were having the same crazy sex we had when we first met and we had been together for yearsssss.

[NoIDidn't]

The point I'm trying to make is this, I don't see how fantasy mindset plays a part when the reality (for me) is the things I do for my MM are the same things I did when I was in Rs in the past.

 

Longest R I had was a lil under 6 years and only ended due to distance when I moved towards the end of things, but up to that point, we were having the same crazy sex we had when we first met and we had been together for yearsssss.

 

I understood your point perfectly the first time. But that does not negate a word of my post.

 

I hardly think you can compare a R that was a little under 6 years (very close to that 2 to 5 year honeymoon stage still) to the Ms that have been going on for at least twice that long.

 

This is where the fantasy comes in. Just because your personal history hasn't been there yet, does not mean that it won't or can't eventually happen to you in a R as well.

[Hazyhead]

I know you said don't say its "no time" or "too tired", but its true. Not to mention, the very same MP that is sprucing themselves up for an OP also aren't doing it for that tired spouse.

 

Its so easy to try and blame the one that the MP blames for things, until you are willing to see that obviously THEY aren't doing anything to help that situation either.

 

Affair sex is based on fantasy thinking, IMO. People in a fantasy mindset are more than willing to "dress the part" for their fantasy partner.

 

I can see what you're saying NiD, but I think fantasy sex can play a fantastic role in any relationship. Yes, during the affair the sex was often fantasy based, but I have also had that in every relationship, long term or other, that I've had.

 

I do agree though, that it is wrong to use the spouse always being too tired as an excuse - that too should be dealt with by both, not left as a 'he/she doesn't want it/give it to me'.