A thought about affair sex..

[NoIDidn't]

I can see what you're saying NiD, but I think fantasy sex can play a fantastic role in any relationship. Yes, during the affair the sex was often fantasy based, but I have also had that in every relationship, long term or other, that I've had.

 

I do agree though, that it is wrong to use the spouse always being too tired as an excuse - that too should be dealt with by both, not left as a 'he/she doesn't want it/give it to me'.

 

I have another consideration to enter into this discussion as well.

 

I agree with you, too, I thought I might add. Fantasy sex is a great pick me up to a dulling and waning sex life in a long term R.

 

But, this thread was mostly about the "competition" factor. All the discussion of what the BW and OW might be feeling completely neglects the MM - the ring leader of any competition that might be going on.

 

I've discussed my having been the OW in previous Rs with men that did not let me know until later, or that I knew about SOs and dated them anyway, figuring I wouldn't get my feelings involved.

 

But these guys knew about their SOs and were mentally comparing my "performance" with that of their SO. I may not have known, but it didn't stop him from knowing and introducing things into our sex life that he was not getting from his SO.

 

Its a mistake, IMO, to neglect the MP from these discussions. The MP are often the ones introducing the comparisons to begin with. A person telling you its the "best sex they've ever had" is basically daring you to take it to the next level (pull out more stops) - married or not.

[Spark1111]

Not trying to be dim, and it's more a rhetorical question, but why would/should any of the bolded stop when you are with the person you LOVE & chose to commit to for life? Not dating or trying to impress. Why wouldn't you groom yourself to please the person you now LOVE & are committed to for life the same way you went out of your way to do when you were trying to win them over? And it can't be no time or too tired or to comfortable etc etc etc if you end up leaving that R and going back into the dating world, you're going to have to do all those things to win someone else over anyway, so yea, I don't get why that should stop (slow down maybe) but not stop happening for the person you LOVE & made a lifetime commitment to be with.

 

It TAKES TWO to participate in the scenario to make it work. Unfortunately, one or the other or both stop trying to impress, especially when "real life," --children, homes, jobs, in-laws flood your time, zap your strength or your patience.

 

That's what make most affairs a beautiful fantasy; you get to have all that early dating fun and none of the true responsibility of a long term marital relationship, IMHO.

[Just a stone's throw]

A person telling you its the "best sex they've ever had" is basically daring you to take it to the next level (pull out more stops) - married or not.

 

 

Oh, so true! Show me what you can do so I have a reason to forget about my guilt!!

[jennie-jennie]

It TAKES TWO to participate in the scenario to make it work. Unfortunately, one or the other or both stop trying to impress, especially when "real life," --children, homes, jobs, in-laws flood your time, zap your strength or your patience.

 

That's what make most affairs a beautiful fantasy; you get to have all that early dating fun and none of the true responsibility of a long term marital relationship, IMHO.

 

Another one of the myths in my opinion. I fail to understand how two homes, two jobs, double the number of inlaws, and in our case NINE children would in any way zap less of our strength and patience.

[crazycatlady]

Another one of the myths in my opinion. I fail to understand how two homes, two jobs, double the number of inlaws, and in our case NINE children would in any way zap less of our strength and patience.

 

Jennie - yours is such a different case. Most MM do not deal too often with the OWs children on a regular basis, nor do they participate in the ow's home much, though someone of means might set up their mistress. Actually your story rather reminds me of the love affair between Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey.

 

CCL

[jennie-jennie]

The point I'm trying to make is this, I don't see how fantasy mindset plays a part when the reality (for me) is the things I do for my MM are the same things I did when I was in Rs in the past.

 

Longest R I had was a lil under 6 years and only ended due to distance when I moved towards the end of things, but up to that point, we were having the same crazy sex we had when we first met and we had been together for yearsssss.

 

I understood your point perfectly the first time. But that does not negate a word of my post.

 

I hardly think you can compare a R that was a little under 6 years (very close to that 2 to 5 year honeymoon stage still) to the Ms that have been going on for at least twice that long.

 

This is where the fantasy comes in. Just because your personal history hasn't been there yet, does not mean that it won't or can't eventually happen to you in a R as well.

 

Totally agree with you here, atlnay. In my two prior relationships of 5 and 26 years my desire for and my enjoyment of my SOs never changed. One partner was more compatible to me than the other, but that is another story, that didn't change either throughout the years.

 

Yet more BS myths, the affair fog and the fantasy.

[JustJoe]

I think a little dose of reality is called for here. Sex is what those involved make of it, and has very little to do with marital status. Affair sex is just that, affair sex, no better or worse than any other kind. The whole "forbidden fruit ", idea is puerile. The sex between my MW and myself was hot, before I knew she was married, it was hot after I knew, and it was hot after her H found out.

 

I think that some of the OP's would like to put forward the myth , that affair sex is hotter, in order to help in their justification of the affair, and BS'S think the same, to explain away their WS'S infidelity (they were "lured", by some form of sexual demon),. Good sex comes from loving and desiring the other person. My affair sex wasn't even in the same league as my college GF and I.

[atlnay]

I understood your point perfectly the first time. But that does not negate a word of my post.

 

I hardly think you can compare a R that was a little under 6 years (very close to that 2 to 5 year honeymoon stage still) to the Ms that have been going on for at least twice that long.

 

This is where the fantasy comes in. Just because your personal history hasn't been there yet, does not mean that it won't or can't eventually happen to you in a R as well.

 

I'm not comparing my 6 yr R to anything, I just stated that was the longest R I had and how the sexual dynamic played until the end, I can't compare something I haven't been thru now can I?

 

And it's a bit unfair to say just because something hasn't happened "yet" it's sure to come, I just haven't reached that "point" where it happens because it hasn't yet happened to me...kinda redundant thinking.

 

I can use that when people say "I will never cheat and I know because I haven't" I can throw out, well you haven't "yet" and just because your personal history hasn't been there yet doesn't mean it wont or can't happen...see how easily that argument can get flipped on it's head?

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie - yours is such a different case. Most MM do not deal too often with the OWs children on a regular basis, nor do they participate in the ow's home much, though someone of means might set up their mistress. Actually your story rather reminds me of the love affair between Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey.

 

CCL

 

CCL, I don't know if you are confusing me with Fallen Angel. You do remember that I am in a long distance relationship, right? Still the pressure and the necessity to deal with both our two separate lives and our joint life is shared and dealt by both of us. I share every single detail of my life with MM and he supports me with everything. He knows more about my kids than their dad does. Sad but true. He shares his concerns about his children and all the small details of his life in general and I support him with that.

[crazycatlady]

CCL, I don't know if you are confusing me with Fallen Angel. You do remember that I am in a long distance relationship, right? Still the pressure and the necessity to deal with both our two separate lives and our joint life is shared and dealt by both of us. I share every single detail of my life with MM and he supports me with everything. He knows more about my kids than their dad does. Sad but true. He shares his concerns about his children and all the small details of his life in general and I support him with that.

 

 

Jennie - I get what you are saying about the fact that you are dealing with two seperate lives (and distance too). But is the support emotional or is it also financial? Because the financial is a burdon that most APs do not have to deal with.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie - I get what you are saying about the fact that you are dealing with two seperate lives (and distance too). But is the support emotional or is it also financial? Because the financial is a burdon that most APs do not have to deal with.

 

Emotional, practical and at times financial. There is the equivalent of 400 dollars pending in my bank account at this very moment.

Edited March 21, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[crazycatlady]

Thanks for sharing, Jennie. I still stand by the statement that your situation is rather rare though. However I can fully understand why you take the risk of being in it. I understand love of that magnitude.

 

CCL

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks for sharing, Jennie. I still stand by the statement that your situation is rather rare though. However I can fully understand why you take the risk of being in it. I understand love of that magnitude.

 

CCL

 

You're sweet, CCL. And I can agree with you so far as my MM being a rare gem.

[Spark1111]

Totally agree with you here, atlnay. In my two prior relationships of 5 and 26 years my desire for and my enjoyment of my SOs never changed. One partner was more compatible to me than the other, but that is another story, that didn't change either throughout the years.

 

Yet more BS myths, the affair fog and the fantasy.

 

Maybe in YOUR situation.....but NOT ALL.

 

For MANY cheaters, it is the allure of the hidden, forbidden, illicit and secret nature of an affair that makes the sex so exciting. Maybe the affair partners fall in love and the emotional and physical combines to fuel the hormonal rush off the charts. Now add unrequited love and we have a "Romeo and Juliette" syndrome that can last for years.

 

Read about it. It is pretty well documented. No one is making it up about affair fog and confusion in SOME affairs.

[White Flower]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

I think you pose a pretty good question.

 

For me it was never about competition. If it were I'd fear I'd lose because she is the body builder, very petite and toned with no cellulite anywhere.

 

For me it was love. Then when it became PA I discovered a chemistry I cannot describe to give it justice. I know you said if we were in love to not bother responding; however, I have found that giving up the A was hard because (among other things) the sex was so good; however, the sex itself was never a reason to keep the R going. I need the whole package and sex is only a part of that package (even though it is mind-blowing).

 

There has been HB when we reunited but it didn't include a competition factor. It included reaffirmation, reuniting, and loving.

[White Flower]

Maybe in YOUR situation.....but NOT ALL.

 

For MANY cheaters, it is the allure of the hidden, forbidden, illicit and secret nature of an affair that makes the sex so exciting. Maybe the affair partners fall in love and the emotional and physical combines to fuel the hormonal rush off the charts. Now add unrequited love and we have a "Romeo and Juliette" syndrome that can last for years.

 

Read about it. It is pretty well documented. No one is making it up about affair fog and confusion in SOME affairs.

I agree as long as you say 'some'.

 

I happen to dislike very much the hiding, forbidden, and the illicit but I agree that some people get off on this. I think MM did but when he saw that I didn't he became less risky. He made it so we never have to hide again for the most part unless I travel to his town. Then he gets a little nervous.

[crazycatlady]

Maybe in YOUR situation.....but NOT ALL.

 

For MANY cheaters, it is the allure of the hidden, forbidden, illicit and secret nature of an affair that makes the sex so exciting. Maybe the affair partners fall in love and the emotional and physical combines to fuel the hormonal rush off the charts. Now add unrequited love and we have a "Romeo and Juliette" syndrome that can last for years.

 

Read about it. It is pretty well documented. No one is making it up about affair fog and confusion in SOME affairs.

 

I know for my H that was part of the appeal. It was what allowed him to have his escape fantasy. Its what took it from a ONS to something way more that he was not expecting that caused a great deal of crisis in him.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe in YOUR situation.....but NOT ALL.

 

For MANY cheaters, it is the allure of the hidden, forbidden, illicit and secret nature of an affair that makes the sex so exciting. Maybe the affair partners fall in love and the emotional and physical combines to fuel the hormonal rush off the charts. Now add unrequited love and we have a "Romeo and Juliette" syndrome that can last for years.

 

Read about it. It is pretty well documented. No one is making it up about affair fog and confusion in SOME affairs.

 

 

I would go so far as to say "MOST". One person's experience can never be defined as "MOST". And as you said, its pretty well documented.

 

Grogster's opinion is not only echoed by many/most guys in affairs, its also borne out by the research.

[OWoman]

Wow that's a lot smileys.

 

Extreme laughter like that, often hides the tears.

 

Tears of laughter, maybe.

 

The only tears in my life currently are tears of joy. :love:

[OWoman]

Read about it. It is pretty well documented. No one is making it up about affair fog and confusion in SOME affairs.

 

Absolutely. And SOME Ms... like my first one (and both of Britney Spears's, etc). I think whenever there are powerful drugs about - be they hormones, or herbs, or chemicals blended in labs - there is a potential for fog and confusion. Some people can't help but dissolve in the cocktail.

[wheelwright]

Jennie, there is way too much literature out their regarding the male libido to dismiss: his LACK of availability and certainty in being with a sexual partner HEIGHTENS his libido big time....whether he be dating or in an affair relationship.

 

The uncertainty....keeps it enticing.

 

There are even certain disciplines and religions that reccommend the planned physical avoidance of a long term partner to heighten a man's libido towards that partner.

 

Which may explain affair sex and HB or reclaiming sex. As the former hunter-gatherers....the pursuit and uncertainty CAN BE what drives a male libido.

 

Just a consideration, I think.

 

So can love.

[jennie-jennie]

Absolutely. And SOME Ms... like my first one (and both of Britney Spears's, etc). I think whenever there are powerful drugs about - be they hormones, or herbs, or chemicals blended in labs - there is a potential for fog and confusion. Some people can't help but dissolve in the cocktail.

 

Absolutely, the first year in any relationship you can not be sure that you are actually seeing the other person for the one he/she is. It takes a year for you to see the real person and not your fantasy version of them.

 

Maybe we should rename it: love fog.

[fooled once]

"Affair" sex is to "marital" sex as a filet mignon is to a Bag Mac. Affair sex is bubble sex. The lovers are in an idealized relationship unsullied by the daily domesticities of marital life. You take out the trash with your spouse; you sip champagne with your lover.

 

While very unfair that's how it goes.

 

I agree!

 

And most people in affairs aren't spending days and weeks at at times together, doing the drudgery of life. They are sneaking around, snippets of time here and there and it doesn't have the same daily domestic duties.

 

Very much like dating - except in affairs, it also has the 'allure' of secrecy and the 'thrill' of sneaking around.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree!

 

And most people in affairs aren't spending days and weeks at at times together, doing the drudgery of life. They are sneaking around, snippets of time here and there and it doesn't have the same daily domestic duties.

 

Very much like dating - except in affairs, it also has the 'allure' of secrecy and the 'thrill' of sneaking around.

 

To me this has to do with maturity, why would an adult enjoy "sneaking around"? That sounds to me like a person not in charge of their own lives, something I would expect an adult to be.

 

Sneaking around is what teenagers do when they are with the boyfriend/girlfriend mama did not approve of.

[moaningmyrtle]

To me this has to do with maturity, why would an adult enjoy "sneaking around"? That sounds to me like a person not in charge of their own lives, something I would expect an adult to be.

 

Sneaking around is what teenagers do when they are with the boyfriend/girlfriend mama did not approve of.

 

I can't comment on whether adults in affairs enjoy sneaking around, but certainly enough of them do it. I know you say you don't Jennie, but why do you think your MM does it (sneaking around that is) and do you think he "enjoys" it at least on some level or is it all terribly distressing to him that he does it?