A thought about affair sex..

[JustJoe]

Thank you , 2sure, I was worried that I was being too personal. I'm still a "newbie", after all.:)

[OWoman]

I agree that pure lust rocks,

 

You've just said it's a misnomer. Now you say it rocks. So... which is it? Do you think it exists, nor not? Or do you just enjoy something that doesn't exist?

 

And if you've explained away "emotion" so as to be completely meaningless, including"

 

even indifference is an emotional reaction.

 

then how does that differ from what I said

 

 

Some of the best sex was in Rs in which I hadn't made the remotest emotional investment - it was pure, unbridled passion and lust.

 

that warrants your disagreeing with my point and telling me I was "wrong"...?

[torranceshipman]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

The sad thing is that lots of AP's don't see the truth in front of their face - animal passionate sex is pretty much the only reason the MM is in the A in the first place. Thats why most don't leave, because they love the W and family, but just want to spice it up with some animal sex for a bit.

[Spark1111]

And as a happily reconciled fBS, who would not want hot, lusty passionate sex with someone new?

 

That fantasy is always there....It all depends on what you do with it; Some act on it, some do not.

[JustJoe]

Owoman, Me saying that you are wrong, isn't the same thing as an attack on you. You are way too defensive. You are entitled to believe anything you want, right, wrong or in-between.

[White Flower]

We have been told she teaches argumentation for a living. This is a form of ad hom in itself in the sense that we are told she has authority in this area so she can do no wrong in argument style.

 

If true, I guess this means she knows all about attacks, defenses, not to forget the other argument techniques.

Which doesn't make her posting wrong, BTW, just very informed.

 

I have been called out by her and appreciate it! It makes me more responsible in my posting and in my paper-writing (when I'm in college classes, of course) I wouldn't let it get to you, consider it free education.

[moaningmyrtle]

Which doesn't make her posting wrong, BTW, just very informed.

 

I have been called out by her and appreciate it! It makes me more responsible in my posting and in my paper-writing (when I'm in college classes, of course) I wouldn't let it get to you, consider it free education.

 

I for one don't accept it makes her either right or wrong (we agree on that) or generally well informed (which she may be anyway, but if so it's not because she teaches certain argument techniques). Except she's probably is well informed about strategies to use in philosophical debates/arguments.

 

A good debater can argue effectively for or against a proposition without necessary subscribing to either position. A good debater avoids getting defensive about the position they are arguing for. Defensiveness is probably a sign that a person has a strong personal interest in the topic and is sensitive about personal criticism because of it.

 

Maybe you are one of her students(?) which is how you know so much about her and appreciate her efforts to educate you.

 

I'm also a student of such things. We don't ever debate infidelity or affair sex (to keep on topic - ha) ; our topics are more in the nature of constitutional and human rights issues.

Edited March 25, 2010 by moaningmyrtle

[2.50 a gallon]

I almost got into one LTR with a MW, but that might not qualify as our first tryst, was to break her bonds with her H. Other than that, all my affairs were a series on ONS, and a couple of weekends.

 

The sex itself was amazingly hot. Some of the most erotic times in my life. Now having said that, part of that might have been my partners participation, this being the first new lover that they had in years, and in several cases, I was only the second man they had ever shared a bed with, and they went all out.

 

And I know that we did things in bed that they had never done with their H's.

 

Words to describe it would be fantastic, animalistic, intoxicating, over the moon, addictive, awesome, etc.

Edited March 25, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon
Mispell

[Just a stone's throw]

I almost got into one LTR with a MW, but that might not qualify as our first tryst, was to break her bonds with her H. Other than that, all my affairs were a series on ONS, and a couple of weekends.

 

The sex itself was amazingly hot. Some of the most erotic times in my life. Now having said that, part of that might have been my partners participation, this being the first new lover that they had in years, and in several cases, I was only the second man they had ever shared a bed with, and they went all out.

 

And I know that we did things in bed that they had never done with their H's.

 

Words to describe it would be fantastic, animalistic, intoxicating, over the moon, addictive, awesome, etc.

 

Had to be a very nice point of view for you. Congrats that you were providing that team spirit that they had been missing. Wow, Hadn't thought about the OM that would be out there waiting for that opportunity.

[OWoman]

And as a happily reconciled fBS, who would not want hot, lusty passionate sex with someone new?

 

That fantasy is always there....It all depends on what you do with it; Some act on it, some do not.

 

Spark - I must confess, novelty is not much of a turn-on for me. Novelty always brings the risk of disappointment - and to me, tepid or mediocre sex is worse than no sex at all. If it's anything less than great, I'm frankly not interested.

 

So, given a choice of crash-hot sex with a known quantity, or potentially crash-hot sex with someone new, I'd go for the tried and true any day. (Of course, if the choice is between kind-of-hot-but-a-little-bit-predictable sex, and potentially-awesomely-explosive-but-guaranteed-at-least-to-be-hot sex with someone new, I'd be more inclined to consider it )

 

(Does that make me boring? )

[OWoman]

The sad thing is that lots of AP's don't see the truth in front of their face - animal passionate sex is pretty much the only reason the MM is in the A in the first place. Thats why most don't leave, because they love the W and family, but just want to spice it up with some animal sex for a bit.

 

I'm not sure if you mean, it's the most common reason, or if you mean, there are few other reasons besides that?

 

If the latter - I think the internet alone provides a window into the motivations for many WSs, and while "animal sex" is up there for some, there are a host of other reasons from a desire for true intimacy, a seeking of a soulmate-type connection, loneliness within the M, a need for affirmation, a need to feel alive, the rediscovery of a long lost lover, anger at one's spouse, a self-destructive urge, curiosity, boredom, alienation, etc. I don't think it can all be reduced to "animal passion".

 

If the former - I'm not sure anyone's actually conducted a reputable study of the frequency of one factor over another, but I'm sure the self-help market would have lots to say on that....

[grogster]

I'm not sure if you mean, it's the most common reason, or if you mean, there are few other reasons besides that?

 

If the latter - I think the internet alone provides a window into the motivations for many WSs, and while "animal sex" is up there for some, there are a host of other reasons from a desire for true intimacy, a seeking of a soulmate-type connection, loneliness within the M, a need for affirmation, a need to feel alive, the rediscovery of a long lost lover, anger at one's spouse, a self-destructive urge, curiosity, boredom, alienation, etc. I don't think it can all be reduced to "animal passion".

 

If the former - I'm not sure anyone's actually conducted a reputable study of the frequency of one factor over another, but I'm sure the self-help market would have lots to say on that....

 

Affairs are driven by a raft of factors, and OWoman's excellent post mentions many of the main drivers. In my affair, I was lonely in my marriage (my wife travelled all the time) and I was very, very flattered when an attractive married woman at work began expressing a romantic interest in me.

 

The great sex came later. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats affair sex.

[atlnay]

The sad thing is that lots of AP's don't see the truth in front of their face - animal passionate sex is pretty much the only reason the MM is in the A in the first place. Thats why most don't leave, because they love the W and family, but just want to spice it up with some animal sex for a bit.

 

Once again, I think if animal sex is how you already get down sexually then that's how you get down. Unless it was something you were just doing to snag the guy, then it make sense why it would stop and there is no desire to keep it up.

 

I also get that after kids and such u can no longer swing from the kitchen chandeliers but the one in my bedroom won't come down & i'm just a raw/passionate sex kinda chick anyway.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree that pure lust rocks, because of the emotions involved. What I've said about the emotional aspect of sex isn't a matter of opinion, it is biological fact. If there was such a thing as completely un-emotional sex, then there would be no sexual preferences. We(humans) would have sex like animals for procreation only, The only criteria would be if the OP was male or female.. It is the emotional aspect that points us to our partners, lets us decide if they are acceptable, if we are attracted to them and how we will respond. Every human activity has BOTH an emotional and physical aspect. If you cut your finger, you experience the physical pain response, but you also experience the emotional response as shock or trauma. Yes, you can be indifferent to your sex partner, but even indifference is an emotional reaction.

 

I agree. Simply enjoying sex is having an emotional response to it - pleasure IS an emotion. You can be indifferent to a person and still experience pleasure having sex with them.

 

And, pleasure ROCKS!

[White Flower]

I for one don't accept it makes her either right or wrong (we agree on that) or generally well informed (which she may be anyway, but if so it's not because she teaches certain argument techniques). Except she's probably is well informed about strategies to use in philosophical debates/arguments.

 

A good debater can argue effectively for or against a proposition without necessary subscribing to either position. A good debater avoids getting defensive about the position they are arguing for. Defensiveness is probably a sign that a person has a strong personal interest in the topic and is sensitive about personal criticism because of it.

 

Maybe you are one of her students(?) which is how you know so much about her and appreciate her efforts to educate you.

 

I'm also a student of such things. We don't ever debate infidelity or affair sex (to keep on topic - ha) ; our topics are more in the nature of constitutional and human rights issues.

No, not a student of OWoman's but I would take a class of hers if I could. I only know what I know based on her posts, as any of you can read for yourself. We joined LS at about the same time (almost 3 years ago) so I've gotten to know her through her posts.

 

There is nothing wrong with a good debate. I'm sure when you were a student in debate class you were given the task of choosing a side you didn't believe in but had to argue it anyway. You had to give the facts and based on the assignment you may have had to throw in a few opinions and dramatics. You may have even won an argument you didn't believe in!

 

But here, we try to give facts, opinions, and the very real and lived experience that offers help and guidance to others in the same situation. Most often, we relate to those who have had the same experience.

 

Being defensive may be about protection and personal sensitivity but I think OWoman just has fun with it:laugh: (apologies in advance to OWoman for speaking on her behalf).

 

Hmm, we 'don't ever debate infidelity or affair sex'??? LOL

[White Flower]

Spark - I must confess, novelty is not much of a turn-on for me. Novelty always brings the risk of disappointment - and to me, tepid or mediocre sex is worse than no sex at all. If it's anything less than great, I'm frankly not interested.

 

So, given a choice of crash-hot sex with a known quantity, or potentially crash-hot sex with someone new, I'd go for the tried and true any day. (Of course, if the choice is between kind-of-hot-but-a-little-bit-predictable sex, and potentially-awesomely-explosive-but-guaranteed-at-least-to-be-hot sex with someone new, I'd be more inclined to consider it )

 

(Does that make me boring? )

No, I think that makes you one who likes to know what she is getting. I can see where LTRs in the past were more suitable to you than ONS with SGs.

[White Flower]

I'm not sure if you mean, it's the most common reason, or if you mean, there are few other reasons besides that?

 

If the latter - I think the internet alone provides a window into the motivations for many WSs, and while "animal sex" is up there for some, there are a host of other reasons from a desire for true intimacy, a seeking of a soulmate-type connection, loneliness within the M, a need for affirmation, a need to feel alive, the rediscovery of a long lost lover, anger at one's spouse, a self-destructive urge, curiosity, boredom, alienation, etc. I don't think it can all be reduced to "animal passion".

 

If the former - I'm not sure anyone's actually conducted a reputable study of the frequency of one factor over another, but I'm sure the self-help market would have lots to say on that....

Having been with a serial cheater who has finally in his life opened up emotionally to a woman (me:)) I have heard that a MM can look at affair sex as all of the above. And deep down, all men whether cheaters or not are looking for true intimacy and affirmation whether they know it or not. When they find it, it is undeniable. We hope they find it in M but once in a while they find it while trying to do the animal thing.

 

Affairs are driven by a raft of factors, and OWoman's excellent post mentions many of the main drivers. In my affair, I was lonely in my marriage (my wife travelled all the time) and I was very, very flattered when an attractive married woman at work began expressing a romantic interest in me.

 

The great sex came later. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats affair sex.

Grogster did you have the animalistic kind of sex with your AP or true intimacy kind or both? If both, were they both unbeatable?

[White Flower]

Hey JustJoe,

 

I have a question for you. I was wondering why none of the H`s of the MW`s that you are serially shagging have offed you yet?

I think he only had one MW and it's over. No need to get violent here.

[JustJoe]

Hey JustJoe,

 

I have a question for you. I was wondering why none of the H`s of the MW`s that you are serially shagging have offed you yet?

RWE, If the Iraqis and Taliban couldn't off me , I doubt if an irate husband can. Maybe, but I don't think so. BTW there was only one affair, you think I would go through this crap more than once?

[spriggig]

..BS'S think the same, to explain away their WS'S infidelity (they were "lured", by some form of sexual demon).

 

It took a lot of guilt-pain and regret to recognize and accept my wife stepped outside of our marriage to get what she wasn't getting from me.

 

What a BS is doing in these cases is avoiding that pain by, beyond any reason or logic, blaming the OM. He doesn't want to blame himself, of course, and he doesn't really want to blame his wife, because he still loves her. So, who is left to point fingers at?

 

I'm not letting the OM off the hook here, he still must take his share of the blame, however large or small it may be. I am saying that some BS's fully understand the situation that brought down their marriage.

[grogster]

Grogster did you have the animalistic kind of sex with your AP or true intimacy kind or both? If both, were they both unbeatable?

 

Our sex was exquisite--passionate, intimate, unrestrained and unforgettable. The MW and I did not just have sport sex (which isn't too shabby, either); we had the kind of off-the-charts sex that very, very compatible lovers often experience when the relationship is in its infancy and where the pleasure is magnified by 1000x.

 

But because the MW and I had an affair, our sex never leveled off, never became just pleasant. Because an affair is a bubble relationship, the sex is insulated against the familiarity that affects every relationship that lasts more than a year or two.

 

That's why affairs are so dangerous: The relationship intensity arc takes a long time to drop. And the great sex suppresses the guilt. True, it's not real, but as lived fantasy goes it's not bad at all.

[Fallen Angel]

I don't want to offend anyone at all so just remember this is my thinking and not yours.

 

I was doing laundry today and this thought entered my mind..what is it about laundry that causes deep thinking?

 

anways I was thinking about all of the WS and AP that come on this site..they ALWAYS say that the sex is "Mind blowing, crazy passionate animal sex" and this got me thinking is this because the OM/OW in most cases know that their MP has another lover at home? I mean you usually go waay out of your norm if you THINK your being compared to someone else...in a way is sex in an A competitive? Think about it..the BS has no idea that their spouse is shagging another and as most people who have been married long know...sex sometimes gets dull. then come D-Day if you decide to reconcile..the sex that some refer to as HB "a desperate attempt to keep your partner" aren't OW/OM doiing the same thing? I know I know there are people who actually fall in love...I'm not talking about you so..move along. I'm talking about the "I just can't quit them" kind of A's. Could you quit them if the sex was boring?

 

I am not even going to read beyond this OP since I am "moving along" laughing my assets off!

[Lizzie60]

Our sex was exquisite--passionate, intimate, unrestrained and unforgettable. The MW and I did not just have sport sex (which isn't too shabby, either); we had the kind of off-the-charts sex that very, very compatible lovers often experience when the relationship is in its infancy and where the pleasure is magnified by 1000x.

 

But because the MW and I had an affair, our sex never leveled off, never became just pleasant. Because an affair is a bubble relationship, the sex is insulated against the familiarity that affects every relationship that lasts more than a year or two.

 

That's why affairs are so dangerous: The relationship intensity arc takes a long time to drop. And the great sex suppresses the guilt. True, it's not real, but as lived fantasy goes it's not bad at all.

 

You're amazing Grogs.. the bold part.. you nailed it..

 

If the sex is not that good.. I drop him like a hot potato.. it's that simple.. I will not settle for bad sex.. especially in an A.. lots of fish in the ocean..

[grogster]

You're amazing Grogs.. the bold part.. you nailed it..

 

If the sex is not that good.. I drop him like a hot potato.. it's that simple.. I will not settle for bad sex.. especially in an A.. lots of fish in the ocean..

 

It was a memorable time, lizzie. Now, though, it's all just a memory.

 

Ya move on.

[White Flower]

Our sex was exquisite--passionate, intimate, unrestrained and unforgettable. The MW and I did not just have sport sex (which isn't too shabby, either); we had the kind of off-the-charts sex that very, very compatible lovers often experience when the relationship is in its infancy and where the pleasure is magnified by 1000x.

 

But because the MW and I had an affair, our sex never leveled off, never became just pleasant. Because an affair is a bubble relationship, the sex is insulated against the familiarity that affects every relationship that lasts more than a year or two.

 

That's why affairs are so dangerous: The relationship intensity arc takes a long time to drop. And the great sex suppresses the guilt. True, it's not real, but as lived fantasy goes it's not bad at all.

My guess is that your A didn't last much longer than a year then?

 

I think once you get past that initial phase of the A and really begin to develop more trust, more love, more bonding that eventually it becomes truly intimate. Hot sex is still there, but something richer and deeper develops if it is desired. So, to say that affair sex is hot because of the short-term nature of the A it just doesn't pan out for those in long term As. Ours is hot, intimate, and meaningful. Maybe my A is different? FTR, MM agrees and says so all the time. He was serial and had been around the block quite a few times. Before I knew that, he once told me that ours was not a sordid affair. I guess he was comparing me to those in the past and (lucky me) I ended up being in a real and solid romance with him.