A thought about affair sex..

[grogster]

My guess is that your A didn't last much longer than a year then?

 

I think once you get past that initial phase of the A and really begin to develop more trust, more love, more bonding that eventually it becomes truly intimate. Hot sex is still there, but something richer and deeper develops if it is desired. So, to say that affair sex is hot because of the short-term nature of the A it just doesn't pan out for those in long term As. Ours is hot, intimate, and meaningful. Maybe my A is different? FTR, MM agrees and says so all the time. He was serial and had been around the block quite a few times. Before I knew that, he once told me that ours was not a sordid affair. I guess he was comparing me to those in the past and (lucky me) I ended up being in a real and solid romance with him.

 

Our PA lasted almost 4 years; while the EA lasted about 2 years after the PA ended.

 

It was my first, only and last affair.

 

I live alone now.

 

As for the MW, she remains married. Quite happily I suspect.

Edited March 28, 2010 by grogster

[Hazyhead]

Our PA lasted almost 4 years; while the EA lasted about 2 years after the PA ended.

 

It was my first, only and last affair.

 

I live alone now.

 

As for the MW, she remains married. Quite happily I suspect.

 

'Quite' being the key word here, I reckon. She still thinks of you. You don't forget sex like that.

 

Bottom line... affair sex is awesome... mindblowing... it's the crap that most affairs bring with them, for everyone, that has us all here.

[grogster]

'Quite' being the key word here, I reckon. She still thinks of you. You don't forget sex like that.

 

Bottom line... affair sex is awesome... mindblowing... it's the crap that most affairs bring with them, for everyone, that has us all here.

 

So true. It's the crap and pain that we cause those whom we betrayed and disappointed that linger long after the erotic memories have faded.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'd have to say in my experiences, what made it so intense was that the affair sex came with no baggage. The second baggage would even remotely come into the picture (obligation, clinginess, neediness) I would bail. There is no point in having an affair if it becomes the thing you wanted to escape from in the first place.

 

That is ancient history for me now, though. All I feel now when I look back at those times is remorse - for the people I betrayed, and the SO's of the people I was with.

[SleepingDog]

I'm surprised. I asked this question to my W and she said the sex wasn't particularly memorable.

 

Of course she may have be lying, but I don't think so. After D-Day she went through a fase of total honesty - I got all the gristly details, and every question answered I wanted to know. There was no real reason to lie anymore.

 

I eactually mailed this information to OM. Even if untrue, it was a great betrayal of him.

 

Perhaps it was different for the OM. Having been mainly single, he didn't really have that much sexual experience. As compared to my wife after 7 years of relationsship with almost daily sex all that time. Suddenly having an experienced and self assured lover, I can see how it must have been mind-blowing.

 

Or perhaps it is the knowledge of being 'chosen' over someone else that pokes up the fire? Can see how that might be an ego-boost in teh beginning, but surely that gets boring after a while?

[jennie-jennie]

Our PA lasted almost 4 years; while the EA lasted about 2 years after the PA ended.

 

It was my first, only and last affair.

 

I live alone now.

 

As for the MW, she remains married. Quite happily I suspect.

 

Grogster, were you both married during the entire PA? I am trying to get my mind around the fact that the initial sex rush never diminished in your case. Although my MM's and my sex life is still great since we are so sexually compatible, the initial hormone rush of the first year or two is long gone. Thus I have experienced no difference between long term affair sex and other long term relationship sex. The only difference being in the compatibility of my sexual partners and me.

[grogster]

Grogster, were you both married during the entire PA? I am trying to get my mind around the fact that the initial sex rush never diminished in your case. Although my MM's and my sex life is still great since we are so sexually compatible, the initial hormone rush of the first year or two is long gone. Thus I have experienced no difference between long term affair sex and other long term relationship sex. The only difference being in the compatibility of my sexual partners and me.

 

 

Yes, I was. My affair was a "champagne" affair: trysts at luxury hotels, hot, dangerous office sex. Also, we were very, very much in love.

 

Finally, there was a D/s aspect, which added to the already super-sonic sexual chemistry.

 

Those days are long over. Now, I prefer my own ragged company.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

Finally, there was a D/s aspect, which added to the already super-sonic sexual chemistry.

 

 

That can certainly ramp it up, aye.

[White Flower]

Yes, I was. My affair was a "champagne" affair: trysts at luxury hotels, hot, dangerous office sex. Also, we were very, very much in love.

 

Finally, there was a D/s aspect, which added to the already super-sonic sexual chemistry.

 

Those days are long over. Now, I prefer my own ragged company.

D/s...divorce/separation?

[White Flower]

I'm surprised. I asked this question to my W and she said the sex wasn't particularly memorable.

 

Of course she may have be lying, but I don't think so. After D-Day she went through a fase of total honesty - I got all the gristly details, and every question answered I wanted to know. There was no real reason to lie anymore.

 

I eactually mailed this information to OM. Even if untrue, it was a great betrayal of him.

 

Perhaps it was different for the OM. Having been mainly single, he didn't really have that much sexual experience. As compared to my wife after 7 years of relationsship with almost daily sex all that time. Suddenly having an experienced and self assured lover, I can see how it must have been mind-blowing.

 

Or perhaps it is the knowledge of being 'chosen' over someone else that pokes up the fire? Can see how that might be an ego-boost in teh beginning, but surely that gets boring after a while?

It may have been true in your W's case especially given that her OM was so inexperienced. You sent him this information via mail? Ouch!

 

I posted in another thread that many counselors (based on my readings) will suggest the MP tell the BS that the only reason sex was good in an A is because it was illicit. If the MP is remorseful (and going through phases of telling the truth) then to talk about mind-blowing sex would complicate the reconciliation even if it is true.

[LucreziaBorgia]

D/s...divorce/separation?

 

dominance/submission I suspect - that is what I thought, anyway.

[Just a stone's throw]

That's kind of funny. I read divorce/separation but the dominance/submission thing makes much more sense!!

 

If your affair was based on the fact that the sex in your M was bland or never had been much to speak about and the affair sex was what kept you in the affair, wouldn't the reconciliation be based on the fact of honesty about the difference in the sex and the need to try and figure out if that need was important in the marriage how that part could be fixed? I guess I liken it to if my spouse didn't communicate well and I found my AP to be a great communicator and I sought solace with them because of that wouldn't I want to fix that part of my marriage after d-day with my spouse?

 

Just asking. Seems like it would be making the deception worse.

[grogster]

dominance/submission I suspect - that is what I thought, anyway.

 

 

Correct. But it was only one aspect of the relationship, and not the "dominant" one by far.

[SleepingDog]

It may have been true in your W's case especially given that her OM was so inexperienced. You sent him this information via mail? Ouch!

 

Via email. That and all the details about his sexual preferences, including the name he gave his penis. I gave her the third degree; the choice was answering the questions or instant divorce. I would make an expert interrogator, I realise.

 

I posted in another thread that many counselors (based on my readings) will suggest the MP tell the BS that the only reason sex was good in an A is because it was illicit. If the MP is remorseful (and going through phases of telling the truth) then to talk about mind-blowing sex would complicate the reconciliation even if it is true.

 

Her truth fase was immediate upon discovery. This was before she went into counselling. I do realise that obviously there are probably still things she wasn't completely honest about, but back then I decided that that was just something I would have to live with.

[White Flower]

Her truth fase was immediate upon discovery. This was before she went into counselling. I do realise that obviously there are probably still things she wasn't completely honest about, but back then I decided that that was just something I would have to live with.

And I suppose it IS something one has to live with if they are going to reconcile. I do wonder how MUCH healing and how MUCH the M can be strengthened if some truths are held back. The question cannot be answered probably. Just curious.