Really struggling after 14 year relationship ends :-(

[LovelyDaze]

Hi everyone,

 

Had a very up and down week this week! Always manage a week without contact then desperately crave talking to him!

 

We have arranged to meet Friday evening and go for a drive so it's neutral territory! I've told him i cant see him again after this! It makes me so sad that I'm not going to see him for who knows how long!

 

I've written a list of things I want to say so I can't get confused and muddled! He does that to me! I don't want it to end badly but I want him to know that I want him back and untill I dont feel like that anymore we cant be friends!

 

I'm going to suggest contact via email regarding the house as we don't have an estate agent, hoping to not have to sell!

 

I still can't quite believe it's happened, haven't cried for a few days so I guess it must be sinking in! I'm still desperate for him to change his mind buri guess time will only tell!

 

Ill be posting here quite a lot i imagine to kep me on the straight and narrow with regards to no contact! I hope i can be strong!

X

 

Whatever you do...for the love of God...don't sleep with him. You will instantly become an FWB. I really advise against all of this contacting and "closure" but hopefully you can say what you need to say and move on.

[hopesndreams]

You are still weak and need to build up your strength. Give him something to think about, right now! Cancel Friday's planned meetup for a drive in the country or where ever. Do not give him the reasons as to why. Just cancel.

[lisal0u]

Hiya,

 

LovelyDaze - I dont think that will be a problem as our sex life was one of the issues. I cant imagine him trying it on, he seems happy with his descision! Just been talking to one of his friends who he discussed our relationship with before he dumped me! Apparently he'd decided early on in the week before we went away for the weekend!

 

What I dont get is why was he so affectionate that weekend, hugging me all the time and trying it on when we were in a room with other people? When he'd decided it was already over! His friend thought he'd had a change of heart!

 

hopesndreams - I should just cancel but i dont think im strong enough! Ive felt fine for the last day and a half and just got home and cant stop crying again!

His friend has just had to talk me down from texting the other woman and her ex husband! I know no good will come from it but I just feel like I want to inflict all that Im having to feel on them!

 

I think I just want him to know that Im not fine, last time I saw him I acted like I was, and that if I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend anymore then he cant have my friendship! On the otherhand I want the last time I see him to be a nice memory!

 

This is all so messed up! I did not see my life going this way 6 weeks ago and its just not fair!

[xpaperxcutx]

Hiya,

 

LovelyDaze - I dont think that will be a problem as our sex life was one of the issues. I cant imagine him trying it on, he seems happy with his descision! Just been talking to one of his friends who he discussed our relationship with before he dumped me! Apparently he'd decided early on in the week before we went away for the weekend!

 

What I dont get is why was he so affectionate that weekend, hugging me all the time and trying it on when we were in a room with other people? When he'd decided it was already over! His friend thought he'd had a change of heart!

 

hopesndreams - I should just cancel but i dont think im strong enough! Ive felt fine for the last day and a half and just got home and cant stop crying again!

His friend has just had to talk me down from texting the other woman and her ex husband! I know no good will come from it but I just feel like I want to inflict all that Im having to feel on them!

 

I think I just want him to know that Im not fine, last time I saw him I acted like I was, and that if I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend anymore then he cant have my friendship! On the otherhand I want the last time I see him to be a nice memory!

 

This is all so messed up! I did not see my life going this way 6 weeks ago and its just not fair!

 

To put it bluntly, he doesn't care. If he did, he would be more than willing to work things out with you, go to couples counseling, not break up... etc.

 

Only you are responsible for your happiness and how you go about handling this affair ( ex. house issue) is a test on your strength as an individual.

 

Let's start. How do you want to handle this? You're back home with dear old dad and you're sharing mortgage with your ex. Get a realtor, get a mediator, get someone to help you because you are not in the right state of mind to communicate with him without having a meltdown.

 

Sorry if I seem cruel, but you're only weak if you allow yourself to be. Not that I would expect you to turn heartless this instant, but when dealing with people that hurt you, you have to show them that you mean business. Work out the house issues, throw out stuff that reminds you of him, and plainly right now, focus on healing. Go to the gym, whip yourself into shape, make new friends, learn to laugh more than you cry, read some self- help books, get yourself some chick lit ( I very much prefer some Sophie Kinsella myself) and just work, work, work.

 

Sweetie you'll make it through. Push yourself.

[LovelyDaze]

 

On the otherhand I want the last time I see him to be a nice memory!

 

This is all so messed up! I did not see my life going this way 6 weeks ago and its just not fair!

 

Dumpers don't think of what's fair...just what they want.

 

I know you want the breakup to be clean and tidy but anything that breaks is never that. I fear that deep inside, you actually hope he comes back to you with tears, flowers, apologies and promises...my ex tried that in December.

 

It took EVERYTHING and I mean every damn thing in me NOT to day, "Well, okay.One more time"

 

If you just have to see him(and I really wish you wouldn't), then please go in to the meeting with eyes wide open. Listen for BS and watch red flags.

[skydiveaddict]

Dumpers don't think of what's fair...just what they want.

 

I know you want the breakup to be clean and tidy but anything that breaks is never that. I fear that deep inside, you actually hope he comes back to you with tears, flowers, apologies and promises...my ex tried that in December.

 

It took EVERYTHING and I mean every damn thing in me NOT to day, "Well, okay.One more time"

 

If you just have to see him(and I really wish you wouldn't), then please go in to the meeting with eyes wide open. Listen for BS and watch red flags.

 

 

great advice^^^^^^^^

[lisal0u]

Hi,

 

saw him last night and it was ok! I don't think either of us were looking forward to it to begin with!

 

He let me talk and answered everything I asked! I told him that I believed that he hadn't cheated on me but he had done emotionally, that upset him quite a bit cos he doesn't think he did!

 

Most of my questions were about his friend but he's still swearing that's all they are! When I see him I believe what he's saying but when I'm away from him my mind starts on overdrive! There's nothing I can do other then take his word for it!

 

We spent about 5 hours together and I didn't get upset once! It felt strange looking at him like he was a stranger! I still want him back but I don't think he's that person anymore! It felt a bit weird! How can you go from k owing someone inside out to feeling like they are a stranger so quickly?!

 

We talked about when we meet other people and it freaked him out! He wanted to know if I'd had any offers and I could see it bothered him! I don't think he'd really thought about it!

 

He's got a valuation booked in today at half 11 and he's going to let me know what they say! I really don't want to do NC it's too hard! I told him last night it was the best thing to do and he said ok but when I woke up this morning I didn't want to anymore :-(

 

it's too hard :-(

[lisal0u]

Well you were all right and I should have listened! Yesterday was the worst day I've had yet! I felt like I was going insane! Had another valuation and it wasn't great! It's just worth what is outstanding on the mortgage, so if we sell we lose the deposit and it will cost us money (solicitors, estate agents & early redemption fee)!

 

I just felt so utterly depressed as I might lose everything! If we have to sell up I will have to sell most of my belongings as there isn't room here at my dads :-( I can't take it! The house gives me hope and something to look forward to!

 

It's 50/50 as to whether my dad can help me out so I can have the house and I'm struggling with not knowing!

 

Yesterday all I wanted was for the ex to make me feel better! He tried but I just got upset and he said he can't be the one I turn to all the time now! I was just un consolable after that! I had also asked what he was up to and he told me he was meeting his 'friend' again! So I had the worst day ever while he went for a nice day out!

 

How can all those years been tossed aside so easily! It's been 7 weeks now and I still don't feel any better! If I knew I was getting the house that would give me something to focus on but at the minute there's nothing!

 

How do I feel better? Hes told me to try st johns wort (natural anti depressant) as it makes him feel better! He said he forgot to take it for 2 days and felt like hell! Im booked in to see a councillor on the 8th but it's still ages away, not sure how good they will be as it's only through my doctors!

 

I'm tired and run down and sad all the time but I just want to feel like me again! Will I get better? Do people survive 14 years :-(

[lisal0u]

Something I forgot to mention from Fridays chat, I asked him why we'd had such a great time together and why he was so affectionate the weekend we were away. He said he wanted to give it another try and he was having a great time with me! But when we got nearer to home he just felt really depressed again! I said doesn't that tell you that it might be the house and the stress rather then me?! He said he didn't know, maybe and looked really really sad!

 

He also said he'd nearly phoned me a few times to change his mind but then decided not too :-(. He also said he was finding it tough at the minute cos he's stopped thinking about all the bad and is remembering all the good things about the relationship!

 

He really confuses me!

[lisal0u]

Hello,

 

Been to the doctors today! Not been sleeping well at all and keep getting migraines! Ive been given sleeping tablets and two weeks off work! I feel like such a failure for not being able to cope!

 

Ive had a really happy life up to now and I've never had to deal with anything like this before :-( I've never suffered stress before, well not like this!

 

Had the last house valuation so we'll be having a conversation about it later! My dad has told me he will be able to help just need to know if the ex is willing to keep living there till I can afford it on my own!

 

I'm glad for the time off work, going to really try and work on feeling better!

[HeavenOrHell]

You're wrong, I'm female and never wanted to get married to anyone, for me it has no meaning, my ex and I were together 18 years and were very committed, people change, grow apart married or not. You can be committed to each other without marriage.

 

To the OP you are seriously better off without a partner who cites one of the reasons for leaving you is that you've put on weight!! WTF?! Do you really want to be with someone as shallow as that? You're worth so much more than that hun.

 

 

Sorry for your trouble. But you made one serious mistake. A man who will spend 14 years with a woman--14 years!--without marrying her is a bad, bad bet. That is a man who is likely unwilling to commit, period. The chances a guy who won't commit will dump you one day out of the blue is almost 100%. Yes, married men also sometimes dump their wives suddenly. However, the fact this man was content to be with you that long without making any kind of commitment should have been a giant red flag.

[lisal0u]

Hi HeavenOrHell,

 

I completly agree with you about marriage and I'm sure I'd still be in this position regardless!

 

I do have to take back the 'fat' comment! I wrote a list down of the reasons and showed them to him on Friday and he was really mad I'd put that! He said he never said that and it's never been an issue!

 

We've discussed the house tonight and have a plan! I'm going to keep him in the loop by email and he's not going to reply as there will be no need!

 

I've taken a big step and totally deleted him, I can't contact or stalk him anymore! I have the whatsapp app for the iPhone so I could see whenever he was online but I've deleted him from there too! I was being really stupid and had his friends number too so I could tell when they were talking to each other! Why did I feel the need to torture myself?! I don't know!! I've deleted her too now! I feel so much better for doing it!

 

I think I might have a slightly obsessive personality that I never realised before, obsession with clothes, food, what the ex is up to! I'm hoping to talk that through with the councillor!

 

I wish I'd gone no contact from the start! I've made myself look and feel pretty foolish by some of the things I've done! It's definately time to focus on me!

 

I'm so glad I've found this forum so that I can let out all my feelings and get great advice!

 

Wish me luck with the no contact, I'm going to need it after talking to him everday for the last 14 years!!

[hopesndreams]

After the withdrawal, you will feel so good about yourself. You are now taking control and showing yourself respect. Your self-esteem will now slowly build up.

 

He will miss you too, it isn't all one-sided. When he does get in touch, don't build up any hopes. He needs to break your door down and weep if you are to speak to him. Otherwise, it's weeks, months, even years until he weans himself off you and then he breaks contact for good. Don't give him that power.

[lisal0u]

He did say last night that he missed me but he understood why we couldn't be in contact for a while!

 

I hope it doesn't take too long before we can talk again, I don't know how long it will take or how I will know when it's ok again?

 

Ive got all my summer clothes at the house and I asked what we should do about that and he said not to worry and hopefully it will all be ok by then! He said he really wants us to be friends and I do too! He said it would be nice if we could watch DVDs and stuff together again but I said that mightbe a bit too weird!

 

Who knows what will happen in the future but I can't imagine him not being my life!

 

I want to be a better person and change for the better! I'm still mad at myself for being too lazy to save what we had but there's nothing I can do about that now other then learn from it!

 

Why doesn't life have a fast forward and rewind button?!

[lisal0u]

Hi,

 

had a crappy day today! Didn't want to get out of bed but made myself to go for a jog! Felt better for a few hours but then started feeling sh*t again! Went out for tea then for a few drinks with the girls but I just ended up feeling worse!

 

It was so depressing watching everyone, I was happy a few weeks ago and was never a bit drinker or into going out on the town! Now thaw what I'm having to do as a single :-(

 

when my friends went to dance I just left, been fighting the urge to bolt all night, and now I'm back home feeling totally rubbish!

 

God I hate him for doing this to me :-(

[lisal0u]

Just checked my emails and there was one from him in my inbox!!!!

 

After we spoke on Tuesday I sent him one because I forgot to tell him something (so shouldn't have been so nice about it):

 

Just wanted to send a quick email to thank you for listening to me last night, I know you didn't have too!

 

Slept like a log last night, only just woken up! Those tablets are brilliant!

 

I just wanted to say something I didn't last night, I know you said Lindsay would like to see the house etc but I really wouldn't be happy with that. I'm not in a place just yet where I could cope with seeing her here or knowing she was in/staying in the house, especially cos I can't be there. I would really appreciate for now if you didn't bring her to Scunthorpe.

 

Once I feel better then hopefully I'll feel different!

 

It feels such relief that I can't see you talking online! I have no idea why i was torturing myself! Admitting it to you meant I could stop doing it for some reason!

 

Anyway keep well and see you in a while!

 

Lisa x

 

Then he had to go and reply and there was totally no need for it other then him trying to make himself feel better! He put:

 

Thanks for the email - its really put my mind at rest, I've been really worried about you since we spoke!

 

Glad you're sleeping well again - (don't get hooked!)

 

Thanks,

Stuart.

 

Could he have been anymore heartless! AR*E!! I had to retalliate with:

 

I really wish you hadn't sent that!

 

Been on sleeping tablets shouldn't put your mind at rest :-( and signing off thanks, Stuart!!! That's what you say to people you don't know or care about!

 

Please don't reply anymore! I can't deal with the coldness from you! Im not ok and you dont need to worry about me anymore, I'm not your problem!

 

We'll just stick to what we discussed and only email about house stuff.

 

Lisa

 

How i wish right now he could feel what I'm feeling! I can't believe how he's trying to make himself feel better while I feel totally cr*p! His true colours are really shining through now!

 

:-(

[hopesndreams]

Sorry this is happening to you Lisa. It's good that you are opening your eyes to the real him. You will backslide. You will keep, keeping in touch with him. You are addicted. I was you not that long ago. My x was a lying so and so as well, only out for himself and cheating his azz off.

 

Think with your brain, not with your heart.

 

Don't put yourself through the same h*ll as I have. He's gone. He's not coming back.

 

Have a read through my threads, they might help you.

[LisaUk]

Sorry this is happening to you Lisa. It's good that you are opening your eyes to the real him. You will backslide. You will keep, keeping in touch with him. You are addicted. I was you not that long ago. My x was a lying so and so as well, only out for himself and cheating his azz off.

 

Think with your brain, not with your heart.

 

Don't put yourself through the same h*ll as I have. He's gone. He's not coming back.

 

Have a read through my threads, they might help you.

 

Hi Lisa

 

Listen to hopes and dreams, she knows her stuff, she really has been where you are right now. I can relate to some of it, but the cake eating, well read H&D's threads and you will see it all laid out for you. Mine didn't cake eat, yours appears to be, wanting to watch dvds with you????? Has he completely lost the plot? He just dumped you without warning, without trying to work it out after 14 years, after finding a "new friend" (I'm sorry Lisa, I know you don't want to consider it and I get that, but I still think there is more to it) and he "hopes you can watch dvds together again some time soon!" Is he kidding?

 

Lisa, right now you are thinking about Stuart as you thought he was, as the man you love, it looks like you are beginning to see him for the man he is now from your recent post? I hope so, b/c from what I can see you are doing what we all did first off, taking all the blame, allowing him to blame you and take no responsibility for the demise of your relationship, denying that he could ever treat you unfairly and badly or lie and being way to nice, making it way to easy for him. I know, b/c I did the same. Please tell me you have a solicitor for a seperation agreement regarding the house? I'm doing a law degree at the moment, TRUST ME, you need one! There are all sorts of legal issues, some of which you may not even realise, you need to protect yourself.

 

Lisa, I'm not trying to add to your stress, I'm typing all this out to you b/c I am worried about you. When my ex left me I was so amicable over the house etc, I was scared to p**s him off in case he wanted to come back! I lost out financially b/c of it, with hindsight (over a year later and no contact from him whatsoever, not even a Christmas card) I should have done it differently. Please get legal advice, protect yourself.

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

I do actually think something is going on with this 'friend' Men dont go out of there way for nothing! I just wish he would have the balls to be honest about it! I think hes trying to save face and doesnt want to look like the bad guy and also wants to keep me on side! It would actually help me to know then I could lay it to rest! Its so hard not to dwell on it at the minute!

 

I know hes gone to see her this weekend too! I just wish I had actual evidence so I could treat him like he deserves and know for sure what hes up to!!

 

When he said about watchig dvd's I couldnt believe what I was hearing!! I think he is mental.

 

He told me that he doesnt think that he's done anything wrong and basically that I am to blame for it all! I knew this would come sooner or later because he's trying to make himself feel less guilty about what hes done and is doing to me! The email also proved that! Im going to write him a list of all the things that he has done but Im not going to send it.

 

Thanks for worrying about me Lisa but I have been sensible about the house! We had a solicitor draw up and agreement in kind when we bought the house that it is to be split 50/50 apart from the deposit which was his anyway. We have agreed that he will stay in the house untill I can afford it and move back in, I just really wish that could be sooner rather then later as I know I would feel much happier!

 

Unfortunately I have to tread a little bit carefully as he could force a sale at any point and this is what I dont want! What is in my favour at the minute is that we would actually lose money if we sold and he doesnt want to do this!

 

It still all feels like a bad dream sometimes but I am now starting to see the real him! I told him I didnt know who he was anymore and he was like a stranger! He suggested him taking the house on himself and then selling it back to me when I could afford it! I just laughed at that! As if I am going to take my name off the deeds of that house and be left with nothing! I told him I would need to trust him to do that and that trust is long gone! For all I know he could moved his friend in and play happy familys!

 

Hopefully he will leave me alone now! As for the friends thing I was reading on here that you can only be friends with an ex when you could see them with their new girlfriend and be happy for them! I cannot ever imagine that happening!

 

Im definately getting more and more angry about it all which I guess is a good thing! I just want to be happy again!

 

How are you doing today Lisa?

x

[rp123]

Lisa, So sorry for your pain.....!

 

I know exactly what your going through!!

 

The problem is your so completely consumed by your pain and this situation that No one can get you to see things as they are. Only time will do that for you. Its a slow hard journey that gives up its secrets through suffering.

 

Lets face some facts: Something IS going on with the 'friend' this is so plainly obvious.

 

Why does he feel better to hear your sleeping ok? Because he's guilty, guilty, guilty. He wants to soothe his guilt by knowing your ok.

 

He does have feelings for you. But wants to extricate himself from your relationship with the least pain and guilt for himself. He wants to turn you over and not feel bad about it!

 

By staying in contact with him your removing the feelings of respect that he has for you. Your making it oh, so easy for him. Your nursing him through the pain at your own expense.

 

The best possible action is to go complete NC. Retain your dignity, and just disappear. Tell him nothing about you any more. NOTHING. just be quiet and try to repair yourself. have any vital contact through a third party.

 

The more contact you have with him the less chance that there will be a reconciliation. Your just weakening your position, and losing the respect he once had for you.

 

Bless you..! I feel your pain, and know it so very well.

 

R.x

[bluestraps]

You have my sympathy and my suport if you have any specific problems. I just was dumped on after 10 years. I went thought it all, cheating, times of being unsure of my relationship, Reuniting , Ive broken up with the same girl , the first time was after 3 years.

 

I wouldnt depend on it but you may get back together . What I would do is write down all the positive and negative parts of your relationship. After this long is all gets fuzzy , things happend in the past probably which caused small cracks in your relationship.

 

Its like a broken vase that you try to glue back together . Some water leaks out and its not the same.

 

 

You could go a few different ways. I was in a 10 year relationship so I know exactly whats going on with you. You must keep working for sure, dont let that slide. If you have a activity you enjoy or a hobby you may have not done for a while , go back and pick it up. Keeping the mind busy will assist you alot.

 

No matter where you look or ask for advise all will say that excersise is the key to help any depression that may come up. It releases endorphins that aides in minimizing depression. I had to realize that I was in a depressed and emotionaly devestated state, especialy because I was cheated on , for you it is still very upseting .

 

Some people just shut down and sleep all day or dont go anywhere, that may work for some but is not realistic .

 

Because you were with this guy for so long its not realistic to start over right now. You will need to take time to process this.

 

You mention obsessive, Be carefull when over analyzing it. I think its good that you are going to see a councelor

 

Good Luck.

[lisal0u]

Hiya,

 

thanks for the kind words and support! Had such a horrible day yesterday, didn't even get out of bed till early evening, just wanted to sleep and not think about it for a day!

 

I'm on day 5 of no contact and it's tough but I'm not breaking it! I felt so bad yesterday cos I knew where he was! At least from now I won't know what he's up to although I usually get a gut feeling when he's with her which sucks!

 

Had an awfull dream last night that we slept together but it was just a fwb thing and he told me he'd already slept with his friend!! Why are dreams so cruel! I'm half expecting an email from him to tell me they've got together this weekend!!

 

I can't see us getting back together, he's hurt me too much and he has another interest now! He also said to me that if he knew I was ok he'd be happy with his decision and that's how he knows it's the right thing to do!

 

I just wish he would dissappear!

 

I would still love to contact the ex husband but I'm scared to because if I annoy him too much he might force the sale on the house! I also know where she lives and I'd love to go see for myself how they are with each other! It's the wondering which is driving me crazy and the fact he's probably been lying to my face :-(

 

it's 2 months today that we split up and I still feel utterly crap!!

[lisal0u]

Well i thought yesterday was bad but today is worse!

 

Went online to do some food shopping and noticed bottles of wine and an Easter egg were in the favourites! I haven't bought them so he must have for her (we share a clubcard still and I'd forgotten!).

 

I just don't see how I'm ever going to get over this and feel better, just don't want to do anything anymore! This is why I wish so much that I was back in my house! All my craft stuff is there and my sewing machine! There's no room at my dads! I have a lovely big garden and should be planting vegetables and tending to it now! I loved to garden! But I can't do that either!

 

Supposed to be going to see my brother and family but I can't stand being around happy families, it's just not fair!

 

Do the dumpees of very long term relationships ever recover?! :-(

[hopesndreams]

Yes, we do recover. Only if we do all the right things of course.

 

Putting yourself first and living life for you. Number One!

 

Don't obsess. Get out in the world, do things, meet new people, go places you haven't been before. There are so many possibilities.

 

Have no more dealings with the one you loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world. They were nasty to you. Who wants to be friends with someone that broke their heart into a million pieces?

[rp123]

I can feel you pain...! So sorry you have to experience this. I remember this period so clearly. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.....

 

 

What no one can tell you, or rather, what you will be unable to hear for some time, is that YOU are manufacturing a proportion of your pain. Your mind is on a continual treadmill. Trying to work out, how, why, when, if, etc.....

 

Your thoughts are in a painful spiral of pain. Only you, can help you.....

 

We stand with you.....

 

R.