Really struggling after 14 year relationship ends :-(

[lisal0u]

I can feel you pain...! So sorry you have to experience this. I remember this period so clearly. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.....

 

 

What no one can tell you, or rather, what you will be unable to hear for some time, is that YOU are manufacturing a proportion of your pain. Your mind is on a continual treadmill. Trying to work out, how, why, when, if, etc.....

 

Your thoughts are in a painful spiral of pain. Only you, can help you.....

 

We stand with you.....

 

R.

 

I know I am doing some of this to myself but on days like today I just dont have the energy or strength to do anything about it!

 

Ive spent the last couple of hours writing a list of all the things he has done wrong in our relationship! It really hurt when he said he thought he had done nothing wrong! I accept 50% of the blame but not the rest! Its 4 pages long and I really want him to read it! I dont want him to go through the rest of his life thinking it was all my fault!

 

Im not ready to send it yet and probably shouldnt, I dont know?!

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

Well i thought yesterday was bad but today is worse!

 

Went online to do some food shopping and noticed bottles of wine and an Easter egg were in the favourites! I haven't bought them so he must have for her (we share a clubcard still and I'd forgotten!).

 

I just don't see how I'm ever going to get over this and feel better, just don't want to do anything anymore! This is why I wish so much that I was back in my house! All my craft stuff is there and my sewing machine! There's no room at my dads! I have a lovely big garden and should be planting vegetables and tending to it now! I loved to garden! But I can't do that either!

 

Supposed to be going to see my brother and family but I can't stand being around happy families, it's just not fair!

 

Do the dumpees of very long term relationships ever recover?! :-(

 

Here's a little interesting fact for you I learnt about whilst doing an essay recently. If you have had to move out of your house that you own jointly legally and benefically (that is to say you mentioned you had a deed drawn up when you bought the house, so I am guessing you hold the property as joint tennants rather than tennants in common?), you can actually charge him rent in back pay for the cost of you having to live elsewhere!

 

Wouldn't THAT make a nice parting gift for him! LOL (See a solicitor!) Word of warning though don't do it until right at the last minute when you are certain that you have him of the mortgage etc and you are back in the house. Oh and by the way, don't fall for that I'll take it off your hands and sell it back to you BS, you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. My ex tried something similar with me, my solicitor said "we have him by the b******s, he wants to go to court, FINE BY ME, I'll crush the little b******" and yes she really did use that language when she heard what he was trying to pull with me! Keep your cards close to your chest hun this is not the man you loved and trusted anymore.

 

I know I am doing some of this to myself but on days like today I just dont have the energy or strength to do anything about it!

 

Ive spent the last couple of hours writing a list of all the things he has done wrong in our relationship! It really hurt when he said he thought he had done nothing wrong! I accept 50% of the blame but not the rest! Its 4 pages long and I really want him to read it! I dont want him to go through the rest of his life thinking it was all my fault!

 

Im not ready to send it yet and probably shouldnt, I dont know?!

 

NO DON'T SEND IT! He won't take it on board, right now he is telling himself he did nothing wrong and making all about you b/c that is his way of self justifying it to himself. He can't accept responsibility b/c that would mean having to accept that he is a cheater etc, so much easier to blame you!

 

The fact is Lisa, is that Stuart is a very self centred, immature individual that cannot see past the end of his own nose. (Sorry, I know in the early days it's hard to hear people say bad things about someone you love). It doesn't matter whether you try to reason with him or yell at him to see his part, he will not see it. SILENCE. Speaks volumes. You already told him you're not OK in the e-mail reply about the sleeping pills, good, now he is not let off the hook. NC all the way now, trust me, NOT hearing from you will say much more than hearing from you.

Edited April 4, 2010 by LisaUk

[lisal0u]

Lisa you just made me laugh out loud and I had to explain to my dad what I was laughing at!

 

That would be a lovely parting gift wouldn't it! I can see him saying I'll have my deposit back thanks and I'll say no you won't that's to cover my rent :-)

 

I am definitely keeping my cards close to my chest! Think I will go see a solicitor just to find out if he could force a sale etc. Unfortunately the agreement if trust is at the house so I don't know it's exact wording but I could get a copy!

 

You're right about sending him all his faults cos he won't listen! Besides I don't want to highlight them so that he can fix himself for the next girl/s! I'm sure he will still continue to be the same selfish arse he always was!

 

Writing down all those faults was very theraputic and I'm sure there's more that can be added if I think about it!

 

After a pretty crappy day something did come out of it and made me smile! Thankyou! Xx

[lisal0u]

Had another totally rubbish day today, thats 3 in a row now and 6 days no contact

 

Was supposed to be going out with the girls for the day but couldn't face it at all. Just dont want to see people and have to act like Im ok. I told them but they came round anyway, it was horrible cos I just wanted to be on my own and I didnt want them to see me like that! I couldnt stop crying or even get out of bed or look at any of them.

 

I thought I was strong but I feel so weak at the minute, everything is so uncertain and I hate feeling like this. I feel so lost. I want to know when Ill feel better, when/if Ill get my house back, if Ill be happy again, if Ill meet anyone else?!! I know I sound stupid but I had everything planned out and now its all gone. I know I have to make these things happen myself but its so hard!

 

Wish I could switch off my brain, always been really good at doing that before this all happened!

 

Going to make myself go see my Mum tomorrow so hopefully that will make me feel better!

 

Lisa - Im going to speak to citizens advice this week too and see what they have to say! I forgot to tell you that he changed the locks because he didnt feel comfortable with me being able to let myself in whenever I wanted too!!! Its really annoying if he's going to be away all the time I could be there! I really want to go look after my garden, got lots of things in pots and they are all going to need watering and looking after. He wont do it and I spent a lot of money on fruit trees and other things last year!

[hopesndreams]

I forgot to tell you that he changed the locks because he didnt feel comfortable with me being able to let myself in whenever I wanted too!!! Its really annoying if he's going to be away all the time I could be there! I really want to go look after my garden, got lots of things in pots and they are all going to need watering and looking after. He wont do it and I spent a lot of money on fruit trees and other things last year!

 

I thought the house was in your name too. It isn't?

[lisal0u]

Yep it's in my name too and Im paying half the mortgage! I told him what he had done was illegal and I was perfectly within my rights to have a key! He just said he wants to feel comfortable while he's staying there and he doesn't know what I might do!!!

 

I told him if I was going to burn all his stuff I would have done it by now!!

 

The only reason I haven't demanded a key is because I'm afraid he will move out and stop paying for the bills or force a sale! This house is such a pain and there's no quick way to sort it out! The fustration is unbelievable!

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa

 

I'm really concerned to hear that he changed the locks. I am only a law student, just about to take my final exams, so I'm not qualified but I will try to help if I can.

 

It's essential that you contact a good solicitor first thing tomorrow, citizins advice are good but they can offer limited advice and will probably tell you to see a lawyer, they did me!

 

The law relating to cohabitation cases is in a bit of a mess at the moment b/c of a House of Lords decision a couple of years ago, so it's really important that you get a copy of that express deed. You should be able to get one from the lawyer who drafted it for you as they keep copies on file for 6 years. Most solicitors offer free 30 min appointments, so take it with you and then you will be able decide what to do from there. You will need a lawyer anyway when it comes to getting him off the mortgage, b/c if it isn't done correctly you coud end up liable for any future debts he runs up (and I'm talking 20, 30 years in the future!) Those loads of other possible pitfalls I could mention, but I don't wnat to freak you out, so please just trust me when I say you need a lawyer.

 

I think I am right in saying he has no right to change the locks and your solicitor will advise you on how this can be resolved.

 

I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad day, it's still really early days for you, this is going to take time to come to terms with so just be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you would a friend going through this. Keep posting, let me know how you go.

[LisaUk]

Yep it's in my name too and Im paying half the mortgage! I told him what he had done was illegal and I was perfectly within my rights to have a key! He just said he wants to feel comfortable while he's staying there and he doesn't know what I might do!!!

 

I told him if I was going to burn all his stuff I would have done it by now!!

 

The only reason I haven't demanded a key is because I'm afraid he will move out and stop paying for the bills or force a sale! This house is such a pain and there's no quick way to sort it out! The fustration is unbelievable!

 

Meant to say as well, it's very unlikely he will stop paying the bills b/c if he defaults on the mortgage the house will be repossed and he will lose everything he put into it. Secondly he can't force a sale that reuires your signiture because the house is owned jointly and as you have a dees stating you have a benfical interest no one buying the house can take free of your interest unless they buy form two trustees. In English, effectively you each hold the house on trust for the other, so no he can't sell without you. One additional point, as things stand at the moment if you are tennants in common in that deed and you die (sorry) he will automatically get your share of the house. Now from what you have described I think you hold it as tennants in common so it will pass to your next of kin, but this is also something the solicitor will sort out for you and another good reason to go see one.

 

Lisa, my solicitor advised me to stay in the house until it was all sorted, I know the last place you want to be right now is in that house with him, but it may be the best way of protecting yourself. A locksmith whilst he is at work? Only check its definately legal (pretty sure it is) with your lawyer first. I'm not sure it would be the best thing anyway as he may then leave and not pay the mortgage which you are liable for, OMG I am worried to death about you, please go see a lawyer, it will be worth every penny. If I was qualified I would offer to do it all for you for free, what an a******* he is!

[lisal0u]

Hi lisa,

 

Thanks so much for your help and advice! You are very kind!

 

8 days no contact today and I feel so anxious! I don't think he's been around for days and I'm concerned that no one is looking after our pet. We have a bearded dragon called phil and he's ace!

 

I've asked my friends if they know but all they say is im sure he's sorted something out! I wonder if one of them has a key and are just not saying! Im not comfortable with that thought that one of my friends has key so they can go snoop!

 

I would love to move back into the house lisa and wouldntcare if he was there! It seems he's hardly there anyway! I just think he would move out if I did that and stop paying the bills! I also read online that he could force a house sale but he would have to apply to the courts and they rarely refuse! I wish I'd never bought it!!

 

I'm going to book an appointment with a solicitor and find outwhat my rights are! Do you know how much this is likely to cost? I have no idea!

 

I did go see my mum yesterday but it took it out of me! Cried all the way home! Putting on a brave face is exhausting! Not doing anything today, I'm worn out!

[hopesndreams]

Are you working?

[lisal0u]

Are you working?

 

Hiya,

 

not at the minute. The doctor signed me off for 2 weeks, got a week left and my councilling appointment tomorrow!

 

Have an hours commute to work and just couldn't face it! I hoped I'd be feeling better after 2 months but I mostly feel worse! Exercise makes me feel better for a couple of hours but then I'm back to feeling rubbish! Seeing people stops me dwelling but I feel I have to put on a brave face and that's just exhausting!

 

I just feel really lost and hopeless and don't know how to snap out of it

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

OK brace yourself, a solicitor will cost around £175 - £200 an hour. They vary, but will be able to tell your their hourly rate when you call to make the appointment. My whole legal seperation and house conveyancing cost £800 but it was worth every penny for what I got in settlement of the house and I know my back is protected water tight from him in the future.

 

He can apply to the courts for an order for sale, but if you could show that you are raising funds to buy him out and have been more than reasonable in moving out in the meantime I don't think it would be a problem, but I'm not qualified so you need to ask the solicitor. They will advise you on the best plan, re the locks, getting back in, buying him out, mortgage etc.

 

Just one thing and I have been dreading mentioning this as I don't want to cause you any more worry, but I have to tell you b/c you are trying to get the money sorted to buy him out and I don't want you finding this out at the last min (as you haven't had legal advice yet), it depends on how much the house is worth, so may not even apply but you may have to pay a percentage of stamp duty again. Sorry, I feel so bad having to tell you that, hopefully it won't apply, but when you have seen your solicitor you will have all the info you need to get things moving and back in your home.

 

Lisa, one thing I notice from your posts is that you are being very hard on yourself about being upset. You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to mask your feelings to others and also to "get over" this quickly. You were with him 14 years, it's only been 2 months, why do you feel you should be over this or feeling better already? (Or is it more you hoped you would be b/c it hurts?) It's OK to be upset, you are greiving, not just for Staurt but for the life you had and the future you had planned out. It's very early days for you and what you are feeling is completely normal, think about what you would say to a friend going through this. I'm pleased to hear you are going to counselling tomorrow, I've been on the NHS waiting list for nearly a year now and still no appointment!

[lisal0u]

Hi lisa,

 

thanks for replying! Wow that's not cheap!! But like you say well worth it! It would be good if I could stop an order of sale, that would stop a lot of worry!

 

I don't need to worry about stamp duty as the house is only worth £105k, housing is fairly cheap where I live! There's no equity in it either just the longer this goes on there might be if the Market picks up. So for the first time since we bought it I hope it doesn't!

 

All my friends think I should be starting to get over it by now but none of my closests friends have ever been dumped or in really long relationships! It feels like I'm only just coming to terms with it and that's why I feel worse! I think I was pretending it all wasn't real and he was going to change his mind! I think the no contact is bringing this about!

 

Everyone is carrying on like nothing has happened including him and it's horrible! He said he was feeling like this since October so it's been just over 5 months for him but is that all 14 years is going to take him to get over?!

 

I can't believe you've been waiting over a year for councilling! I'm only going to see a specialist nurse so not sure how good it's going to be! I'll let you know tomorrow!

 

I hope she can do something, I know there's no quick fix but I need something! X

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

Hi lisa,

 

thanks for replying! Wow that's not cheap!! But like you say well worth it! It would be good if I could stop an order of sale, that would stop a lot of worry! You may be able to get legal aid, but it often has to be paid back, the solicitor will be able to advice when you make the appointment. As for him going to court for an order for sale, well I will try and look into that for you asap, but what I do know is that going to court is VERY expensive. For example, my contract law lecturer is a Barrister and she was telling us about a recnt case she had, the parties were arguning over £6,500 of building work, by the time it went to court the leagl fees on each side were £11,000 and £14,000, the court ofeten orders the losing party to pay all costs! So from that perspctive its unlikely he will go that route.

 

I don't need to worry about stamp duty as the house is only worth £105k, housing is fairly cheap where I live! There's no equity in it either just the longer this goes on there might be if the Market picks up. So for the first time since we bought it I hope it doesn't!

 

All my friends think I should be starting to get over it by now but none of my closests friends have ever been dumped or in really long relationships! It feels like I'm only just coming to terms with it and that's why I feel worse! I think I was pretending it all wasn't real and he was going to change his mind! I think the no contact is bringing this about! Have you read up on the five stages of grief? This is very much like a death and the grief stages apply, one book (I forget the name, but will try and find it for you) talks specifically about the five stages in realtion to relationship breakdown. One of the stages is denial. I was the same Lisa, thought he was going to calm down and come to his senses, that's why I let him push me about over the house at first, then when I found out he had moved joint savings into his sole name without telling me, that's when I woke up and took control and got a lawyer.

 

Everyone is carrying on like nothing has happened including him and it's horrible! He said he was feeling like this since October so it's been just over 5 months for him but is that all 14 years is going to take him to get over?! Well, I'm shocked your friends think it's nothing, but as for him, he will act like that, mine did, they all do (check out the serpartion and divorce board on here), it's their own from of denial and blaming you is their way of justifying it to themself, apeasing their own guilt. My ex actually said he had been "grieving the loss of the relationship for 5 WEEKS!" LOL Unbelieivable. Can I ask were you aware he was unhappy? DId you have any clue, were things rocky? Or like me, did this come as a bolt out of the blue? Abandonment? If so, check out "runaway Husbands" google it, the website will come up.

 

I can't believe you've been waiting over a year for councilling! I'm only going to see a specialist nurse so not sure how good it's going to be! I'll let you know tomorrow!Let me know how it goes, I had intial assessments and that may be as far as you get tomorrow, but even they helped me a bit.

 

I hope she can do something, I know there's no quick fix but I need something! X

..........

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

You really are a wonderful person for going out of your way to help me! If there is anything I can do for you please let me know!

 

Found a picture on facebook today of him all cosied up with the so called 'friend'! Im so angry and upset words cant even describe it! Im not playing nice anymore and Ive rung a solicitors. I want to change the locks and move back in while he is away. I want to box all his crap up and take it round to his sisters. I dont see why I should be lied to and cheated on and have to be the one that moves out!

 

I did the online legal aid calculator and it said I was elligiable for help which is good news. Im just waiting to hear back from the solicitor.

 

I just want to make sure I can change the locks so I can get back in, that he cant force a sale easily and without costing him a lot of money and him stop paying the mortgage.

 

I want him to suffer and he will if he has to rent somewhere and still pay mortgage! No more lovely weekends and trips away for him! Im just so mad at all the crap he has fed me about them just being friends and she wasnt the reason for the split blah blah and how he wants us to be friends and doesnt want a girlfriend! It makes me so so mad I bought it all!

 

Ive asked my Dad if he can help me with the bills and he said he would! As long as he still pays half the mortgage I can afford to be back in my house till the inheritance comes through! That is the happiest thought Ive had in a long time!

 

Theres so many things I would love to do right now, Id love to tell her ex husband (apparently they are just seperating not divorcing so its cheaper) I bet if he knew she was a cheater he wouldnt be so amicable! I want to have myself a lovely bonfire with all his stuff! Id also love to meet her face to face! All I can say right now is she had better not come anywhere near my hometown!

 

I deserve so much more after Ive invested so much of me and my life in him grrrrr!

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

You really are a wonderful person for going out of your way to help me! If there is anything I can do for you please let me know!

 

Found a picture on facebook today of him all cosied up with the so called 'friend'! Im so angry and upset words cant even describe it! Im not playing nice anymore and Ive rung a solicitors. I want to change the locks and move back in while he is away. I want to box all his crap up and take it round to his sisters. I dont see why I should be lied to and cheated on and have to be the one that moves out!

 

I did the online legal aid calculator and it said I was elligiable for help which is good news. Im just waiting to hear back from the solicitor.

 

I just want to make sure I can change the locks so I can get back in, that he cant force a sale easily and without costing him a lot of money and him stop paying the mortgage.

 

I want him to suffer and he will if he has to rent somewhere and still pay mortgage! No more lovely weekends and trips away for him! Im just so mad at all the crap he has fed me about them just being friends and she wasnt the reason for the split blah blah and how he wants us to be friends and doesnt want a girlfriend! It makes me so so mad I bought it all!

 

Ive asked my Dad if he can help me with the bills and he said he would! As long as he still pays half the mortgage I can afford to be back in my house till the inheritance comes through! That is the happiest thought Ive had in a long time!

 

Theres so many things I would love to do right now, Id love to tell her ex husband (apparently they are just seperating not divorcing so its cheaper) I bet if he knew she was a cheater he wouldnt be so amicable! I want to have myself a lovely bonfire with all his stuff! Id also love to meet her face to face! All I can say right now is she had better not come anywhere near my hometown!

 

I deserve so much more after Ive invested so much of me and my life in him grrrrr!

 

Good for you Lisa, you should be angry!

 

Re you moving back in and him not paying the mortgage, you need to tread carefully as you are liable for the whole mortgage whether he pays it or not. I'm so pleased to hear you called a solicitor, they will advise you on the best (and safest) way to handle this, the most important thing is to get him paid of and you as sole legal and beneficial owner of the house, did you say you are waiting on an inheritance? How long do you think that will be?

 

As for contacting her H, I think you should BUT not until after all the leagl stuff is done and you are back in that house! Put yourself first, use your anger to get what is rightfully yours first and foremost. By the way, as angry as you are, IF you do run into her, just walk the other way, nothing is worth landing yourself with an assault charge, as tempting as that may be! LOL

 

How did the counselling go today?

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

The councelling was ok but like you said it was mostly an assesment. She said I was moderately to severely depressed but she didnt think I needed anti depressants or councelling, just time. She said I was being really hard on myself and people just think you should get over these things in a few weeks when it could take a year or more. She also said that if I wanted to stay in bed for a few days it was fine aslong as it didnt turn into weeks. She also suggested a phased return to work. Im going back in a month to be re assessed, hopefully Ill be feeling a bit better by then!

 

Its really rubbish that he could stop paying the mortgage and I would be liable for it all! You'd think if you jointly owned it you would be jointly responsible for payment! I couldnt afford the whole lot at the minute so if that happened my only option would be bankruptcy! That option is becoming less and less scary as my debts would be gone and in 6 years I could start again! And the bankruptcy would damage him too!

 

I just hate waiting, still havent got an appointmnet booked yet as they are going to call in the morning. I just want it sorting and over with.

 

The inheritance is a bit complicated as its in the form of two houses being sold via solicitors, bit messy. So I have no idea how long this might take which is really fustrating!

[Engadget]

It is hard to get over. I'm going through losing my apartment and my pets because my ex and I broke up. They all say the same things too, "we're just friends. I still love you. I want to be friends with you, I don't want you out of my life" it's all the same crap.

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

I know the joint mortgage thing sounds non-sensical but that way the lender has a double chance of it being paid, they are spreading their lending risk. I'm just wondering if you could secure a mortgage or loan on the basis of the inheritance, it's technically a trust income so might be possible. Given that your house is in negative equity you only need to pay your ex the deposit back right? So depending how much the inheritance is I wonder if there would be a way to secure your borrowing on it? Thing is your lawyer really needs to see that deed, b/c although it says he should get the deposit back, your in negative equity.

 

I would try to avoid bankruptcy at all costs Lisa, it will follow you round as a bad credit risk for the rest of your life and that is not the way you want to start out when you do eventually meet someone and have a family etc. Plus, you don't wnat to lose your house, it will mean having to live with your Dad for six years or throw money away on rent, when you could be paying towards your mortagage on a house that you have already invested so much in and will rise in value when the economy picks up. Trust me, I wish I had that option, but when my ex left I wasn't working, so I had no choice but to let him buy me out and I lost a lot of money due to the price drop in the market. The other night I figured out that by the time I am in a position to be able to secure a mortgage again, I will be about 40 years old (34 now), so if I want to retire at 60 I don't even have enough time to pay a standard 25 year mortgage off! That really p****d me off, we were on our third home together, I had been working towards that mortgage for ten years, why he would wait to get rid off me, he should have set me free when I was younger.

 

Anyway I am rambling, sorry. I'm glad the counselling went ok, I agree, I think you are being way to hard on yourself, this was a long relationship and it's going to take time. Be kind to yourself, you sound like such a lovely person Lisa, you deserve so much better than what he has done to you. I just want to make sure you get your home back.

Edited April 8, 2010 by LisaUk

[lisal0u]

It is hard to get over. I'm going through losing my apartment and my pets because my ex and I broke up. They all say the same things too, "we're just friends. I still love you. I want to be friends with you, I don't want you out of my life" it's all the same crap.

 

I just wish they could feel some of the pain, just so they understand what we are dealing with and why we may act a bit mental sometimes! Losing everything and a future you thought you had is not an easy thing to deal with.

 

I also wish they wouldnt spout all that cr*p too! Theres just no need, say it how it is and let us be hurt, get angry and move on! Saying all that stuff just makes all those things a million times harder. It makes you cling to hope!

 

Lisa - we both deserve so much more! I feel exactly the same about being strung along for all this time! We are similar in age so we have the same worries! Its not fair that you invested so much and its going to take another 6 years to buy your own home when you already had one! I bet it will feel great the day you do though! It will be all yours and no one elses! And you will be a great solicitor/lawyer earning a packet too!

 

Got a solicitors appointment for a week today, its a bit fustrating having to wait all that time! Im going to make a list of my questions as I have half an hour free so want to make the most of it.

 

I was a bit of an idiot today and sent him a message breaking no contact after 10 days I asked him that I wanted to arrange a time to collect a few more things and a key and had a bit of a rant about the picture. I got no response surprisingly! The last thing he said to me was that I can come to the house whenever I need to if I just let him know ha!

 

He is away with work till tomorrow but I dont know what to do if he continues to ignore me?

 

My emotions are all over the place, most of the day I didnt want to get out of bed, then couldnt stop crying and now I dont feel so bad again! I do need to start trying to pull myself together, I need to start trying to focus on things like sorting out my debt. Im going to talk to one of the free debt helplines just to see if theres something I havent thought of so that my Dad doesnt have to bail me out!

 

My Mum is coming over for a bit tomorrow which will be nice! Havent really got a lot planned for the weekend which isnt so great. Have you got anything fun planned?

[LisaUk]

I just wish they could feel some of the pain, just so they understand what we are dealing with and why we may act a bit mental sometimes! Losing everything and a future you thought you had is not an easy thing to deal with.

 

I also wish they wouldnt spout all that cr*p too! Theres just no need, say it how it is and let us be hurt, get angry and move on! Saying all that stuff just makes all those things a million times harder. It makes you cling to hope! He's either a coward and can't face your reaction if he was truthful about cheating on you or he is keeping his options open in case he decides after trying out is new life it isn't what he thought it would be, then he will come back to you. Get angry about that, that he would treat you with so little respect.

 

Lisa - we both deserve so much more! I feel exactly the same about being strung along for all this time! We are similar in age so we have the same worries! Its not fair that you invested so much and its going to take another 6 years to buy your own home when you already had one! It really annoys me, I had a lovely 3 bed house (after having worked up the property ladder, renovating s***y properties along the way, I lived in filth and building sites for years to be able to get to where I was. We had just finished the house (this time to keep for oursleves, plan was at least 15 years!), we just had a new kitchen with all new appliances and under floor heating, we had just got nice, quality furniture in every room (built it up over the years) and do you know what he said to me when I told him I had to take most of by belongings to the charity shop, b/c I had no where to store them? "Well, never mind, they're just possessions"! Easy for him to say when he gets to keep all his, all the furniture and live in the house for good. No having to move back home to your retired parents for him! I Sorry for ranting! bet it will feel great the day you do though! It will be all yours and no one elses! And you will be a great solicitor/lawyer earning a packet too!

 

Got a solicitors appointment for a week today, its a bit fustrating having to wait all that time! Im going to make a list of my questions as I have half an hour free so want to make the most of it.Did you get a copy of the deed to take with you? Really important.

 

I was a bit of an idiot today and sent him a message breaking no contact after 10 days I asked him that I wanted to arrange a time to collect a few more things and a key and had a bit of a rant about the picture. I got no response surprisingly! The last thing he said to me was that I can come to the house whenever I need to if I just let him know ha!HOLD IT! It's your house too, you don't need his permission to go there, b****y cheek! By the way, just a thought, don't stop paying your share of the mortgage, could cause probs legally. Don't feel bad about breaking NC, we all did it, one day you won't though, I've been NC now about 9 months. Eventually you will get stronger, it just takes time. Cliche, but true.

 

He is away with work till tomorrow but I dont know what to do if he continues to ignore me? Text him one more time tomorrow and tell him you need to collect things this weekend and you want a key to your property. If he doesn't respond by Sunday morning, go round, just turn up, get the police out if he won't let you in, show him you're not messing anymore. one vey important thing DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE SEEING A LAWYER! Let it be a surprise to him if and when necessary.

 

My emotions are all over the place, most of the day I didnt want to get out of bed, then couldnt stop crying and now I dont feel so bad again! I do need to start trying to pull myself together, I need to start trying to focus on things like sorting out my debt. Im going to talk to one of the free debt helplines just to see if theres something I havent thought of so that my Dad doesnt have to bail me out! Citizins advice are very good on debt advice, be careful of the helplines espically the ones offering to consolidate your debt, you know, offering to loan you money to pay your exisiting debt, you end up paying huge interest in the long run and often citizins advice can liase with your creditors to come to an arrangement plan that is affordable for you and even sometimes get the interest frozen. See, they want their money and they would rather waiver the interest and get it back than keep getting you to pay interest when it means they aren't going to get anything.

 

My Mum is coming over for a bit tomorrow which will be nice! Havent really got a lot planned for the weekend which isnt so great. Have you got anything fun planned?

 

That will be nice for you at least, try to enjoy yourself but don't put on that brave face like last time! As for me, well my life is purely law exams at the moment, I have 7 exams in 4 weeks time! Yikes SO revision is my life right now! I hope you have a better day tomorrow, remember be kind to yourself, you've been hurt bad and are grieving, you will feel better Lisa, but it will take time.

[lisal0u]

Ugh feel awful! Had the WORST day yesterday. He finally contacted me to arrange a time to pick up some more of my things, I was feeling ok and was going to have it out with him over the key and a few other things.

 

He told me he was going to bring a friend because he was worried what I might do!!! WTF does he think I have become! To make it worse it was one of our closest mutual friends.

 

I just went upstairs to get my things and he followed me (friend stayed downstairs) and wouldnt leave me alone! He asked me why I texted him about the photo and why I was so annoyed. I ranted at him for a while about lots of things including the key. He wont let me have one because he says he cant feel comfortable knowing I have access whenever I want (I only want to go there when he isnt!)

 

I insisted that I have one and he said no if I have to give you one we will have to sell the house. I told him he couldnt do it without me so he said fine he would have to stop paying half the mortgage and move out and get his own place. He said he couldnt afford to get his own place and still pay the mortgage and refused to go back to his parents. I have to admit they dont have the best relationship. I just felt so utterly desperate that I hadnt chosen any of this but I was getting the sh*t end of the stick on every matter.

 

I just completely broke down, couldnt stop crying or move. It was awful. In the end he rang my Mum to get me. I did not want him to see me like this at all but I couldnt stop it. I think it shook him to his core seeing me like that Before I left he said he was so so sorry and started crying. I didnt want it to go this way. I just dont know how to feel!

 

I just feel so utterly sad

 

Lisa - Wow you really have your work cut out for you! Good luck with all the revision and exams!!

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa

 

OK first off he cannot legally exclude you from your property, whether he feels uncomfortable or not is irrelevant (unless he gets an injunction out aginst you for harressment and even the he would have to apply to the court and pay you compensation for not being able to use your property). He cannot sell the house without going to court for an execution of trust, I looked it up for you, the relevant Act is TOLATA sections 14 and 15 (google it you can read it on opi.gov), you will see s.14 and 15 talk about all the factors that a court has to take into account before ordering a sale. one of them is, all the circumstances and wishes of all the beneficaries. You are a beneficary in legal language, so that means they have to take your circunstances (the fact you are trying to raise the money to buy him out) and your wishes into account. How this works in practice I can't tell you as I am not qualified, but your lawyer will be able to when you see them this week. I don't like the way he is playing on your emotions and threatening you to get his own way, he is outside of the law and needs to be brought back within it via your lawyer! (I'm very angry about how he is treating you).

 

If he stops paying half the mortagage and you can't afford all of it, you are both liable (legally responsible) for it, which means as you are in negative equity (the house is worth less than what you owe on the mortgage) it would be repossesed, which would mean you both ending up in court. He isn't stupid Lisa, he isn't going to do this b/c if you buy him out he gets his deposit back, whereas if he stops paying he will lose everything including the ability to get another mortagage in the future b/c a black mark (called a CCJ) will be put against your names and neither you nor he will be able to borrow money again for a very long time. He is playing on your emotions to get his own way. (keep in mind re all the leagl stuff I am still a student, I hope I have it all right, but your lawyer will be able to advise you properly, I just want to try and put your mind at rest a bit if I can).

 

So, he started crying? Well did he give you a chance to work on things before he dumped you? No. He chose to walk away from you without even giving it a proper go, he could have suggested relate counselling even, you two were together 14 years, that is a long time, this was not a short realtionship where you dated and found you didn't get on or weren't compatible. After 14 years, he should honor that commitment and afford you the respect you deserve to try first before walking. But he didn't, he cheated and if he didn't cheat physically then he was cheatin emotionally with this "friend", that much is clear and he still does not have the guts to admit it, he would rather blame you and cause you even more pain.

 

Despit ALL this, you still love him. He doesn't know yet what he has thrown away, but I can tell you now Lisa, it's still early days for you, but one day you will see that he doesn't deserve you. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

 

Hugs

 

PS Have you got a copy of that deed? It is really, really important that you take it to the lawyer with you b/c without it they will have difficulty telling you what your ights are, so to make the best use of your appointment you need to take it with you.

Edited April 12, 2010 by LisaUk

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

Thank you very much for looking into it for me! I really dont know what he would do! I don't think he would go down the bankruptcy route but I know he is very stubourn and has cut his nose off to spite his face in the past!

 

Had a better couple of days but cant stop thinking about the future that has gone and it makes me so sad! We had so much in common, had plans to visit the galapagos, do a tour of the East coast etc. We both have such a passion for wildlife and I cant imagine finding anyone else that would feel the same about these things. I cant bare the thought of him doing all these things with someone else! We loved the same films and tv shows, music, everything! I loved the fact we could sit in silence and it be fine that no one would speak. He made me feel so happy and safe and now its all gone

 

Im back at work tomorrow and Im really hoping it is a distraction, Im not looking forward to it though! Im just struggling to find things to look forward to, not a lot makes me smile anymore and I was always a happy smiley person!

 

I know I shouldnt think it but I want him back, I dont want him to move on without me and leave me behind. Hes been in my life so long I dont know how to be without him.

 

Everything is a reminder, even little things like going to the supermarket, things we watched on tv, friends everything! Im finding it so tough for him to just be gone from my life today! All I want is to hear from him, for him to fix this.

 

Im so stupid cos I should be so mad at him for what hes done but I just cant today 4 days no contact again and it just doesnt help!

 

Sigh

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

Thank you very much for looking into it for me! I really dont know what he would do! I don't think he would go down the bankruptcy route but I know he is very stubourn and has cut his nose off to spite his face in the past!

 

Had a better couple of days but cant stop thinking about the future that has gone and it makes me so sad! We had so much in common, had plans to visit the galapagos, do a tour of the East coast etc. We both have such a passion for wildlife and I cant imagine finding anyone else that would feel the same about these things. I cant bare the thought of him doing all these things with someone else! We loved the same films and tv shows, music, everything! I loved the fact we could sit in silence and it be fine that no one would speak. He made me feel so happy and safe and now its all gone

 

Im back at work tomorrow and Im really hoping it is a distraction, Im not looking forward to it though! Im just struggling to find things to look forward to, not a lot makes me smile anymore and I was always a happy smiley person!

 

I know I shouldnt think it but I want him back, I dont want him to move on without me and leave me behind. Hes been in my life so long I dont know how to be without him.

 

Everything is a reminder, even little things like going to the supermarket, things we watched on tv, friends everything! Im finding it so tough for him to just be gone from my life today! All I want is to hear from him, for him to fix this.

 

Im so stupid cos I should be so mad at him for what hes done but I just cant today 4 days no contact again and it just doesnt help!

 

Sigh

 

Hi Lisa,

 

You aren't stupid! And why shouldn't you say you want him back, it's how you feel! I know what it's like, you can tell yourself over and over that you shouldn't want him after what he has done but it doesn't change how your heart feels.

 

This time last year I was exactly where you are now, my ex had been gone about 6 weeks and I was trying to get all the legal stuff sorted so I could move out of the house and to my parents 200 miles away. For the first two weeks I could not eat, nothing, I lost 10 lbs in weight. Then I developed a rash all over, which my doctor told me was my bodies reaction to servere trauma, my nervous system completely broke down, I even lost some of my hair! My ex was horrible to me, cold, heartless, unfeeling, he treated me like I had done something dreadful to him, yet just a few weeks before he had been holding my hand, walking round wedding reception venues and the church telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was.

 

It's a huge shock Lisa and despite what he has done and how he is treating you now, you will remember who he was (or who you thought he was, b/c love is blind) and you will pine for him. I did. I would be out shopping and the ache for him was unbearable, I would break down in tears in cafes, it was so embarrassing. You love him and that isn't just going to go away over night, that is why I keep telling you to give yourself a break and to be kind to yourself.

 

I have reached a point of extreme anger right now over what he did to me, but that has been over a year coming and I will admit that I still have times when I want him back, even though a huge part of me now tells me that even if that were to happen it could never be the same or even good in a different way, not after what he did. I still find that fact sad.

 

Just like you Lisa, I had been with him since school, I did not know how to be without him, I also had suffered with agrophobia follwing a stomach illness and I had not worked outside the home in 7 years when he left me. Thankfully I was starting to recover from the panic attacks before he left, but I still had a way to go.

 

My point in telling you all this, is to hopefully let you see that you aren't alone, your feelings are completely normal and also so you can see that you too will be OK. YOU WILL BE OK LISA. There is a way through this, it's just terrible that the only way through this is through it. If I could take your pain away I would, I know how devastaing all this is and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

So, what helped me? Talking on here, with friends, reading books to help me try and piece things together and to understand the grieving process and keeping busy. I found when I started my postgrad in law that helped a huge amount. I made new friends, gained confidence and had a lot of study to occupy my mind. Maybe these things can help you too Lisa? Perhaps a new hobby that gets you out of an evening?

 

Keep posting.

Hugs

PS Is that you in the picture? You are very pretty, your ex must be mad to let you go.

Edited April 13, 2010 by LisaUk