Really struggling after 14 year relationship ends :-(

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

You aren't stupid! And why shouldn't you say you want him back, it's how you feel! I know what it's like, you can tell yourself over and over that you shouldn't want him after what he has done but it doesn't change how your heart feels.

 

This time last year I was exactly where you are now, my ex had been gone about 6 weeks and I was trying to get all the legal stuff sorted so I could move out of the house and to my parents 200 miles away. For the first two weeks I could not eat, nothing, I lost 10 lbs in weight. Then I developed a rash all over, which my doctor told me was my bodies reaction to servere trauma, my nervous system completely broke down, I even lost some of my hair! My ex was horrible to me, cold, heartless, unfeeling, he treated me like I had done something dreadful to him, yet just a few weeks before he had been holding my hand, walking round wedding reception venues and the church telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was.

 

I cant believe he did that to you, walking round wedding venues!! What changes so drastically?! I have no idea! He said hed been feeling unhappy for 3/4 months but only decided to do it on that day! I have no idea what triggered it other then him saying he got more and more depressed the nearer we got to home (after we'd been away)!

 

It's a huge shock Lisa and despite what he has done and how he is treating you now, you will remember who he was (or who you thought he was, b/c love is blind) and you will pine for him. I did. I would be out shopping and the ache for him was unbearable, I would break down in tears in cafes, it was so embarrassing. You love him and that isn't just going to go away over night, that is why I keep telling you to give yourself a break and to be kind to yourself.

 

I sometimes think I dont love him but then I remember things and it brings all those feelings right back! I cant get away from the memories. Ive been thinking of doing something drastic today, Im not happy in my job and Im thinking of looking to work over seas! Its giving me something to focus on anyway!

 

I have reached a point of extreme anger right now over what he did to me, but that has been over a year coming and I will admit that I still have times when I want him back, even though a huge part of me now tells me that even if that were to happen it could never be the same or even good in a different way, not after what he did. I still find that fact sad.

 

I thought Id reached angry but I dont think I really have! Seeing him makes me angry but having no contact with him seems to make it dissapear. When I see him moving on and getting on with his life it makes me so mad! Thats why Im not so sure no contact is working for me!

 

Just like you Lisa, I had been with him since school, I did not know how to be without him, I also had suffered with agrophobia follwing a stomach illness and I had not worked outside the home in 7 years when he left me. Thankfully I was starting to recover from the panic attacks before he left, but I still had a way to go.

 

That must have been really awfull for you! Im glad you are doing much better now!

 

My point in telling you all this, is to hopefully let you see that you aren't alone, your feelings are completely normal and also so you can see that you too will be OK. YOU WILL BE OK LISA. There is a way through this, it's just terrible that the only way through this is through it. If I could take your pain away I would, I know how devastaing all this is and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

I wish there was another way than through it! I dont want it to waste a portion of my life but I dont really have a lot of control over it! Im so glad our birthdays and Christmas is a long way off!

 

So, what helped me? Talking on here, with friends, reading books to help me try and piece things together and to understand the grieving process and keeping busy. I found when I started my postgrad in law that helped a huge amount. I made new friends, gained confidence and had a lot of study to occupy my mind. Maybe these things can help you too Lisa? Perhaps a new hobby that gets you out of an evening?

 

Im taking up swimming again and even thinking of joining the gym! Just need to make sure I go! Looking for other jobs will keep me busy too! Need to get my hair done too

 

Keep posting.

Hugs

PS Is that you in the picture? You are very pretty, your ex must be mad to let you go. That is me, thanks! I thought Id put a picture of me smiling so I can look at it and think I want to be like that again!

 

Your ex must be insane to have let you go too, you are so kind to be helping me and you seem so lovely! I dont understand what they are thinking! I just hope they both realise one day what they have done and lost and it be one of their biggest regrets!

 

xx

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

I hope your first day back at work went OK? Please be careful of making life changing decisions right now re work, the general advice always given is that b/c your emotions are all over the place it's best not to do anything drastic at the moment. Obviously every situation is different though and if you were already unhappy in your job then maybe this was something you were considering anyway.

 

I'll add you to my contacts, so you can put my face to my name, just add me to your contact list and click on my user name.

[lisal0u]

Hiya,

 

well I survived work, managed not to get upset either! I did struggle to concentrate and because what I do isn't very interesting it was easy for my mind to wander!

 

Really wanted to contact him but I didn't! Wrote an email but saved it instead of sending it! I knew nothing good would come from it!

 

Really missing his company today! Missing someone to come home to that I can kiss and cuddle! This is so hard! I feel so lost and it makes me sad that he seems happy to be getting on with things without me! Doesn't he miss me at all?!

 

I look forward to the day that I don't think about him all the time, just hope it isn't too long

 

lisa - you're very pretty too! I hope we both find someone one day that will appreciate us and love us the way we deserve x

[hopesndreams]

It isn't about finding someone else to replace what you had or finding love again, however you want to look at it. This is a great opportunity to find out who you are and once that is figured out, the rest will fall into place.

 

Good to hear you aren't in contact. It will make the healing time faster. If you do get in contact, it will set you back to square one.

 

It's early days for you. In time, you will start experiencing exhilarating highs but with those come devastating lows. Once you get the house sorted and also accept he will no longer be part of your life, the sooner the despair will lift.

[lisal0u]

It isn't about finding someone else to replace what you had or finding love again, however you want to look at it. This is a great opportunity to find out who you are and once that is figured out, the rest will fall into place.

 

I cant even imagine meeting anyone else, it makes me feel ill! It terrifies me as he is the only person I have ever been with for 14 years! Im just scared that I might not meet anyone else or anyone else that I click with so well! Im scared that I might not get chance to have a family too

 

I also know who I am already, we didnt have the sort of relationship where we just relied on each other for everything! I have lots of friends and I always have done what Ive wanted to do, funds allowing!

 

Good to hear you aren't in contact. It will make the healing time faster. If you do get in contact, it will set you back to square one.

 

Its so hard not being in contact cos I miss him so much, he was my very best friend and now hes gone and I want him back. He went to Kenya for 3 months a few years ago and when he came back it was really strange, like Id got over him but this time I know he's not coming back! If only it would take 3 months then Id be feeling better in 3 weeks!

 

It's early days for you. In time, you will start experiencing exhilarating highs but with those come devastating lows. Once you get the house sorted and also accept he will no longer be part of your life, the sooner the despair will lift.

 

I dont think he will ever be gone from my life. We live in a small town and all our friends are the same! Unless one of us moves we are bound to bump into each other. Its making it tricky already with friends birthdays etc

 

I want to stop hoping he will come back but its all I want right now

[LisaUk]

I want to stop hoping he will come back but its all I want right now

 

Hi Lisa,

 

Trust me in time this will change. I still want my ex back but the sad fact is that he doesn't even exisit anymore. It could never be the same b/c he isn't the smae person, the person I loved would not have treated me like he did, so either he has turned out to be a different person to what I thought or he has changed. Personally I am vering towards love is blind right now. I mourn him, the him I thought he was, the realtionship I thought we had, but as much as I want THAT person back, even if he came back, it isn't possible. It's taken over a year to get here and I am not even there yet. I haven't let go and I haven't moved on. (Sorry, having a bad day today).

 

I have only ever been with him, just like you and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Plus IF there is a next time, I worry that I won't be able to trust - abandonment issues. We both just have to keep getting through each day and trust that it will get better. It does get better Lisa, it is better now than it was a year ago, that much I can give you hope. Just keep getting up and coping one day or one hour at a time.

 

I hope the laywer goes well tomorrow, let me know how it turns out?

[lisal0u]

Sorry youre having a bad day Lisa! I was having an ok day till I went round to my friends house!

 

He turned up My car was parked outside so he must have known I was there. He was picking up my friends boyfriend to go to the gym but instead of staying outside or in the hallway he came into the kitchen where I was! Then my friend proceeded to tell me that theyd all been to the pub the other day and Stuart had announced that he was now a

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]vegetarian. The 'friend' is a vegetarian and Stuart is the biggest meat eater I know! She also told me that hes going to see her again this weekend to look after her dog while she does a half marathon! He is a totally different person and its all for her![/sIZE][/FONT]

I cant stay around and watch him move on happily with her and give her the life I wanted with him! I cant get away from him so moving seems to be my only option!

I know what you mean about wanting the person they were back, but your right they arent that person anymore! Stuart is far far from the person I knew! How can he have changed so much in just 2 months?!

I wrote him and email and sent it but I dont regret it at all! It was pretty brutal but I dont care, I dont plan on seeing him again or us being friends so I dont care what he thinks anymore! Hes made it clear how he feel about me!

I will let you know how it goes tomorrow! Going to ask how much it costs to sell up too!

x

[LisaUk]

HI Lisa,

 

I don't blame you sending the e-mail, I sent one too about 10 months ago and yes it was brutal, but it was the truth and do you know, I kept a copy and even now I have absoltuely no regrets in sending it at all. Everything I said in it needed to be said and I still mean every word.

 

How did it go today?

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

The solicitor was good but he basically confirmed everything you said! He also said if he was me he'd move back in! I'd love to but I'm afraid he willstop paying half the mortgage! I just might call his bluff though! Knowing me being in the house would make his life miserable is almost worth it!

 

Felt utterly miserable all day till my mum came round, she can always cheer me up! She came with me to the solicitors and she took me out for dinner! Feel in a much better place now!

 

I've got 3 options it seems:

 

1. sell the house - it's likely we will lose money

2. transfer it to his name - I'd rather burn it down then see him shack up with her there

3. Me take it on when I can - just wondering if it's going to be a big ball and chain?!

 

I half want to run away and start fresh but I don't know if I'll regret stepping off the property ladder! I have a lot to think about!

 

Hope you're ok Lisa and the revision is going well! I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow then maybe go sort my garden out if it's nice!

X

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

I know it would be tempting to run away and start again but you need support right now, you need people that know and love you around you, if you move away you will have to start making friends all over again.

 

The house may seem like a huge financial committment right now, but house prices will go back up again and once that happens you will be in a much better position further down the line. Think of it this way, if you sell it at a loss then later when you want to get back on the property ladder you will have to find much more money for a mortagage because prices have risen. If you keep it now, in the long run you will be better off.

 

ANyway, you have a lot to think about, take your time and don't rush into anything.

 

The revision is starting to get draining and confusing, I was having a bit of a panic attack about it all last night, the course I am doing is like doing a 3 year degree in one year, everything is getting jumbled up! Hearing you say that the lawyer confrimed what I had said to you has actaully helped me, at least I know I am on the right track and some of it is making sense to me! LOL

 

I hope you have a lovely day today, what are you having done to your hair? I'm going to try and make sense of some trust law now , but I will check back later tonight.

 

Hugs

 

EDIT - 2000 post yey me! LOL

[lisal0u]

Hi Lisa,

 

I know it would be tempting to run away and start again but you need support right now, you need people that know and love you around you, if you move away you will have to start making friends all over again.

 

The house may seem like a huge financial committment right now, but house prices will go back up again and once that happens you will be in a much better position further down the line. Think of it this way, if you sell it at a loss then later when you want to get back on the property ladder you will have to find much more money for a mortagage because prices have risen. If you keep it now, in the long run you will be better off.

 

Thats a good point, I hadnt thought about it like that! Ive actually been looking at a job thats a similar commute but a lot more money in the same company. So I could still keep the house, get a more challenging job, new faces and more money to pay for the house!

 

ANyway, you have a lot to think about, take your time and don't rush into anything.

 

The revision is starting to get draining and confusing, I was having a bit of a panic attack about it all last night, the course I am doing is like doing a 3 year degree in one year, everything is getting jumbled up! Hearing you say that the lawyer confrimed what I had said to you has actaully helped me, at least I know I am on the right track and some of it is making sense to me! LOL

 

Wow 3 years into 1! That does sound like hard work!! Especially doing what you are doing, its very complex but by the advice you have given me you seem to be doing great!!

 

I hope you have a lovely day today, what are you having done to your hair? I'm going to try and make sense of some trust law now , but I will check back later tonight.

 

I hope you managed to make sense of trust law (whatever that is?!) but I hope you managed to enjoy some of the lovely sunshine weve had today!

 

I had highlights and a cut and blow dry, havent had it cut since before Christmas eek! Also had a sweepy fringe cut in, Im really pleased with it!

 

Went to the pub for lunch with my girl friends and sat in the beer garden, it was lovely! Apart from the randy ducks hahah and then a man turned up with a harris hawk, sat it in the shade and had a pint!! All very surreal!

 

Felt much better today, hope it lasts! Im hoping for another sunny day tomorrow so I can go sort my garden out!

 

Hugs

 

EDIT - 2000 post yey me! LOL

 

Wow 2000 posts! Thats amazing! Ive got a lot of catching up to do ha ha!

 

xxx

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

Glad to hear you had a better day yesterday, your hair sounds nice and it's always nice to have a treat for yourself.

 

You need to catch up on the posts, so then you will have PM, I keep worrying we are talking too specific and that's against LS rules!

 

Just checking in to see how you are feeling today?

[lisal0u]

Well it's got a whole lot worse!

 

Was doing ok then he rang me yesterday to tell me he has got together with the friend! 10 weeks is all it's taken!!

 

I was so upset I came to the house, demanded a key and said I was moving back in! I'm here now and he has moved back in with his sister, he says he wi still pay half the mortgage! I couldn't stop crying and found some evidence they have been more than friends for quite a while!! I rang him about it then he came round! He didn't leave till 3 am so I've had no sleep!

 

He came round again this morning to collect things and stayed for ages, he kept wanting to talk but I didn't see what there was to talk about!

 

My head is full but I need to decide what to do with the house! Do I cut my losses and sell (wouldn't make any money), signit over to him (he could shack up with the ow) or try to keep it myself but I would struggle financially!

 

It's such a mess and I feel awful

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa,

 

Oh my goodness, I know you suspected but that must still have been a horrible thing to find out for sure. I don't understand what he hopes to achieve by wanting to talk, he has cheated on you and when you ring him to be angry and demand an answer as to the truth he just wants to talk so he can reduce his guilt.

 

I'm glad you have moved back in, as to what you do about the house, only you can decide that hun. You have to do what is right for you. The one thing you can be certaian of now is that you CANNOT trust Stuart. No matter what he says about the cheating or your relationship or the house, you cannot trust him. You must look out for you.

 

May I suggest you stop calling him? I know that is incrediably difficult to do as you are upset and angry and want answers, but the sad fact is you aren't going to get answers from him. He is only interested in looking after himself now and reducing his guilt so he will either try and blame you for the cheating and split or try to act nice so he comes off as decent (he isn't, just how he is seeing it in his warped mind).

 

I feel so bad for you, I know how difficult it is after all those years and now the cheating on top of it all. One day at a time Lisa, that's all you can do and focus on YOU. Not sure it's much comfort but he has left a good faithful, devoted, loving women for a women who had left her H (possibly b/c she was cheating with your ex?), does he really think that will last? They deserve each other and one day he will realise what he has done, I just hope you have moved on by then, he doesn't deserve you.

[lexie]

Hi Lisa,

 

When I stumbled across this thread tonight, i was feeling sad and depressed about my breakup six months ago. I honestly felt compelled to join the website and see how you are going? I was with my boyfriend for five years and i can't help but empathise with you. I know fourteen years is so much longer, but i feel i can understand how you feel in so many ways.

 

I hope that things are working out and that your mind is clearer and that the reason why you havent posted in a while is because youve been so flat out busy and feeling better!

 

Alexandra

[lisal0u]

Hi Alexandra,

 

Thanks for your post! I hope you're feeling a bit better!

 

Five years is a really long time too, I think after a few years if being together it's just as awful at 5 years as it is 14!

 

I'm doing ok at the minute! I love being back in my house so much! I think taking the power back has helped me a lot!

 

I have honestly felt the worst of my life these last few months but I'm starting to feel better! I've still got a long way to go but Im having more and more ok days and even a few good days . Long may it last!

 

I saw the ex today and he told me something interesting! He's not with the other woman anymore! Guess the grass wasn't greener! I know it's mean but it made me smile! Not I know why he's been so unhappy these last few days!

 

This site really is great, everyone here is so understanding and helpfull and they really know what they are talking about! Ijust hope ican be as helpfull!

 

Lisa x

[You Go Girl]

I just read this entire thread.

I am so glad Lisa, that you are empowering yourself and have moved back into your house. Women love nesting--and working in your garden, keeping your own house in good order, all the little things are certainly lifting your spirits, and so good for you, even if you end up selling the house. To have lost the ex and lost your house together was a severe blow.

Do the hard math and determine what it will take for you to keep the house. You have to be completely honest with yourself. You do have to eat in the future, not just pay the mortgage with an empty gas tank.

 

DON'T take him back. My gawd--if the sex thrill OW has dumped him, he is SO going to try to move right back into your life. Don't let it happen. I really really worry about this scenario playing out.......You GET that house all to yourself, get his name off the deed, and then perhaps he can come back IF you still want him, with his tail between his legs, but you CYA as to this guy--and you keep your name only on that deed FOREVER.

Or...you simply don't want a cheater back, period.

Just please don't cave!

[hopesndreams]

He's not with the other woman anymore!

 

He could be telling you porky pies. Be wary.

[lisal0u]

I just read this entire thread.

I am so glad Lisa, that you are empowering yourself and have moved back into your house. Women love nesting--and working in your garden, keeping your own house in good order, all the little things are certainly lifting your spirits, and so good for you, even if you end up selling the house. To have lost the ex and lost your house together was a severe blow.

Do the hard math and determine what it will take for you to keep the house. You have to be completely honest with yourself. You do have to eat in the future, not just pay the mortgage with an empty gas tank.

 

Thanks I do love to nest! It definitely was almost too much to handle losing my boyfriend and house in one go! I know far too many people here have had to go through this and worse!

 

I have done the maths and I can afford to keep the house if I get a lodger and a second job or better paid main job! Im looking at doing both of these at the minute! I don't mind having no money for a couple of years if I can keep my independence!

DON'T take him back. My gawd--if the sex thrill OW has dumped him, he is SO going to try to move right back into your life. Don't let it happen. I really really worry about this scenario playing out.......You GET that house all to yourself, get his name off the deed, and then perhaps he can come back IF you still want him, with his tail between his legs, but you CYA as to this guy--and you keep your name only on that deed FOREVER.

Or...you simply don't want a cheater back, period.

Just please don't cave!

 

As soon as I can I will get his name removed from the deed! I never want to be reliant on anyone again!

 

I dont think he would try to come back, too much has happened in these last 3 months! When I look at him I see a very different person! Ive changed too, hopefully for the better! Im actually starting to enjoy being on my own, doing whatever I want when I want! I never thought I'd say that :Dhopesndreams - You could very well be right! I have no idea why he told me to be honest! I wouldn't have thought he would want me to know! They may get back together for all I know or care! I did have a sneeky suspicion that this may happen though!

 

I hope everyone is as ok as they can be and are enjoying their weekend (or bank holiday here in the UK)

 

Lisa x

[You Go Girl]

Im actually starting to enjoy being on my own, doing whatever I want when I want! I never thought I'd say that !

 

Much much better than those days of crying and not getting out of bed...kudos to you!

Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger....