doniker Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 I am a 40 year old married man. My wife and I have been together for over 9 years. We have a 7 year old daughter. My wife also has a 22 year old son that has always lived with us, his father died when he was 5 years old. My wife has always been the "head of the house". Sometimes it feels like I am one of the children. She has always been the main decision maker and I will admit that I am very passive. My wife earns $61,000 a year, I earn $29,000. All our money goes into one account. We own a house, truck, 2 cars and want for nothing. We go on vacations 2 or 3 times a year. We are in great shape financially. My 22 year old stepson works full time and has been going to college to get a 2 year degree for the past 4 years (That we pay for). He has failed or dropped so many class he still hasn't got a graduation date in sight. All the money he earns goes into his pocket, in which he spends foolishly on himself and his girlfriend. My stepson pays no rent, does no chores, eats, sleeps and comes and goes whenever he wants. He has no plans on ever moving out. But this problem is not his fault it is my wife's. She wants him at home and fears that if she makes him do chores or charges rent he will move out. Whenever I have a complaint about him I am always wrong. My wife and stepson have always been best buddies and I am like the outsider, or a tenant who cooks and cleans. My wife and I don't sleep in the same room and rarely have sex anymore. She has blown up to over 300 pounds and feels unattractive. So basically I get up in the morning after my wife and daughter leave for work & school, I go to work all day, come home cook dinner, clean the house, watch TV and go to bed alone. My wife just sits all evening, my daughter plays and my stepson is either out or playing video games in his room. My wife has told me if I don't like the way things are, then leave. How do I cope? Will things ever get better? I feel like a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Here are the apparent problems that are bothering you: *My wife has always been the "head of the house". Sometimes it feels like I am one of the children. * She has always been the main decision maker * I am very passive. * My wife earns $61,000 a year, I earn $29,000 * My 22 year old stepson pays no rent, does no chores, eats, sleeps and comes and goes whenever he wants. He has no plans on ever moving out. * Whenever I have a complaint about him I am always wrong. * My wife and stepson have always been best buddies and I am like the outsider, or a tenant who cooks and cleans. * My wife and I don't sleep in the same room and rarely have sex anymore. She has blown up to over 300 pounds and feels unattractive. And here is perhaps the real problem that is at the root of most of these issues: * I feel like a doormat. How do I cope? Will things ever get better? What do you want your life to be like? Do you know? Have you dared to formulate a vision of what you want your life to be? (Don't worry for now about how you will achieve it.) "Things" will not "get better" without you doing something to make them better. You have the self-knowledge to realize that you are very passive. No doubt your wife also knows this and has selected you for that reason. Perhaps passivity is enjoyable - it's less work and strain. But them of course, you do not really get much out of your life either. Are you willing to take steps to change your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author doniker Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 what I really want is control over my own life. I want to at least be comfortable in my own home. I know if I stay with my wife things will probably never change. I only stay because of my daughter and because of the financial security. Sure I could go get an apartment, see my daughter part time and make my own desicions in life but would that make me any happier? I only married my wife because I got her pregnant, I was never "in love" with her. Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Get a hobby. Get yourself out of the house more. If shes going to act like your not there, you might as well not be. Go do things with your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doniker Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 I do that as much as possible Badman, believe me. But you have to go home sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Vanetia Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 I only married my wife because I got her pregnant, I was never "in love" with her. Well I think that's what started the problems in the first place. I think you just dug a hole for yourself and it's only gotten deeper with time. Part of the reason your wife may be acting the way she is is because she senses that you weren't in love with her. I know I'd feel some animosity towards someone that "knocked me up" and didn't really love me. Not trying to excuse her actions, but offering at least a little insight as to why she may be acting the way she is. I think the longer you stay the worse things will get. You didn't love her to begin with so the marriage was allready set for doom. You make enough to sustain yourself and your daughter. You should at least manage to get shared custody of her. You might want to stay so you keep your daughter from going through a divorce or something but I guarantee you're better off doing that than raising her in a home where her parents don't even love eachother. Your wife doesn't seem to care if you leave so there's not much reason to stick around. You have to stand up for yourself if you want to take control of your life. Dont let her make you her doormat anymore. Who knows maybe she's bluffing and when you get the guts to walk out she'll be on her hands and knees begging you back and willing to compromise a bit more with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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