I think I've got a live one

[amerikajin]

Okay,

 

Some of you may remember a while back I posted that I was starting a relationship with this older woman at work (I'll call her Chee). Then I followed it up with another thread in which I said I was growing less satisfied with the relationship. Well now, I can say I'm getting to the conclusion that we have no future together. She's a nice lady, but I think I've frankly lost interest due to boredom. I think we ended up moving faster than I wanted to in the relationship, and I feel like a lot of the blame rests on my shoulders for not waking up to this sooner. We got into a routine of talking to each other on the telephone almost nightly, and then it became nightly after a while. Even when she went back to China (her home country) for two weeks, she still called me - even on my mobile phone. Felt like I was married with children or something.

 

Things changed a little more than a month ago. I went over to her apartment one evening and we had planned dinner and a movie. Well, we never did see the movie. It was more like dinner and...well, extracurricular activity. We didn't have sex, but that was only because I didn't have a condom on me. I know this sounds strange for a guy to say this, but I really never intended it to get that far (meaning, I didn't plan it that way initially). We just kissed and kissed and...you know the rest.

 

I felt bad about it after I went home the next morning (we slept together but didn't actually do the deed). I know she's probably attaching more emotional significance to it than I am, and I'm afraid of what is to come when we split up. She told me from the start that if I wanted to see other women, that's fine - just tell her. We've both tried to be realistic about the future with each other and we've both talked about the fact that we may have different plans. Still, I'm not sure if her heart and mouth are in the same place. I don't want to hurt this woman. She's really a sweet person, and I like her very much. I'm just not interested in her anymore as a partner. She's hanging all over me now, and to be entirely candid, it's annoying the s*** out of me.

 

That's half the story.

 

Enter Cindy, this other girl I work with (I work in a large company). Now there are women I think I'd like to date and get to know better...and then there are women I just get a feeling about, as though I could see myself with them five, ten, twenty years from now. We all know what I'm talking about - I think we've all been there before. Well, the point is, Cindy is in the latter category. Of course I don't know what the future holds. I know that the odds are always against any relationship until it actually gets going. But I'm just incredibly attracted to this woman. Well, I'm actually attracted to a lot of women, but this is one I'd put up in the elite club so to speak.

 

Is there any graceful way out of one relationship and into another? I doubt the two know each other at this point, because they work on different shifts and on different teams, with different capacities...but one never knows. I don't want to be an @sshole.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Please feel free to be frank, too. All I ask is that try to be as respectful as possible.

[moimeme]

I find something missing here. I hear about attitude and activities and behaviour but nothing about character. What would make someone 'boring'? According to you, it's because she enjoys your company and wants more of it! But is she not intelligent or fun-loving? What are you looking for other than attitude?

 

I don't know if you've defined this for yourself, but if not, I'd suggest you not get into any relationships at all until you sort out exactly what you're looking for. It appears to me that you are looking for a certain feeling which has much more to do with behaviour than with personal traits. It almost feels as though you have an image of you in a couple and you're looking to fulfil that.

 

My take on relationships is that I want to be with someone whose company I enjoy. That person might want my company a great deal (which then may lead me to believe this person enjoys my company as well - a happy thought) or may like more alone time, but it would be the character of the person which would define 'boring' or not for me, not how much that person wanted my company.

 

You might want to read the 'needs' stuff in http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

 

and then sort out what your main needs are. If you prefer relationships where each party has quite a bit of solo time, you should try to sort out sooner or later whether your intended is similar, since differences in needs for companionship can create problems, as you have already found out.

[cdn]

If I am hearing you correctly, your relationship with Chee has run its course, regardless whether anything comes of your attraction to Cindy. So I think you can let yourself off the hook on that count.

 

I don't recall your earlier thread about Chee so I may be missing something, but it seems to me that the best course is to be honest. Tell her that you are not ready for a committed relationship at this time and that you are concerned that you have moved too quickly, which may have erroneously conveyed to her that you feel otherwise. Tell her you value her friendship but that you are not ready to settle into an exclusive relationship. No, this won't be easy, especially if her feelings for you are more significant than yours for her, which seems to be the case.

 

Once you've had this talk with Chee and you feel things are understood and accepted (albeit possibly unhappily), I think you are free to pursue Cindy.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

Perhaps we can use this as a case study of what a clean break with closure looks like.

 

Be off with the old love before you're on with the new...we all know that. First, make sure you're really done with the old love. How about a 1/2 page letter to Chee, in which you say that you admire her immensely, but have decided not to continue seeing her, for personal reasons? I would NOT give any actual concrete statements like "we moved too fast" or "you're too clingy". That just gives her a crack in the door so she can put her foot in and say "I wasn't clingy" or "I won't be clingy anymore". I'm not sure you need to meet face to face. If you do, keep it really quick - like five minutes MAX - and don't enter into any discussions of what went wrong or how it can be better. These will be painful and embarrassing for both of you.

 

Before you take up with the next girl, do think about how to be straightforward with her about how much commitment and exclusivity you want.

[Errol]

Whatever your past was with Chee, be honest with her and tell her you just don't feel it is going to work out long term and you don't want to drag out a relationship if you can't do right by her. Its' been fun now its time to move on.

 

Then you can ask Cindy out and get to know her.

 

 

As for knowing what you want in a relationship -- or how you see yourself, this is something that is always in development. You might think one thing, but get into a relationship and find that you feel differently. That is why we date - to get to know other people and to learn about ourselves and what we like, don't like, and would like someday. You can figures some of this stuff out beforehand, but just as each person we date is different from the last person, we ourselves are a different in the relationship. Sometimes good, sometimes not, and its not always a profound difference, but subtle little things add up.

 

Be honest and cut it off now with Chee so that she is free to get over you and move on.

[amerikajin]

Moimeme, thanks for replying and challenging me a little. Thanks to cdn and others as well.

 

>>>I find something missing here. I hear about attitude and activities and behaviour but nothing about character. What would make someone 'boring'? According to you, it's because she enjoys your company and wants more of it! But is she not intelligent or fun-loving? What are you looking for other than attitude?<<<

 

Ugh! You've made me think on that one, moimeme. I guess it goes back to the calling and hanging all over me all the time. It just feels like she "needs" me, which is a bit odd considering we haven't been together two months yet (and for the last three weeks we've been unable to spend much time around each other). I think there has been some miscommunication along the way, and I take my share of responsibility for that.

 

For example, when I went over to her apartment, I didn't intend to spend the night over there initially. Well, the first thing she does before making me dinner is to take a shower. She jumps in the shower and comes out wearing pajamas. Now, I have to admit, I was caught off guard a little, particularly because I felt it was a little presumptuous being so early in the relationship (by that point we hadn't even been dating each other a month). Of course we ended up kissing and I got charged up in the heat of the moment as any guy would (not ducking responsibility here, by the way, as I know I could have easily said "no, let's stop here"). I momentarily stopped thinking about the implications of my behavior and just went with it until we couldn't go any further.

 

Yes, moimeme, I want someone with good character and I have a pretty good idea of what I mean by that (at least for myself). But I also want someone who's "attractive", and I think it takes more than just pure morals to make someone attractive. I'm being serious when I tell you that I could probably get this woman to do whatever the hell I want her to do. She'll do as I command. She's my robot. I don't find that attractive. I didn't see it at first, but now I do. Not that I want some arrogant, in-your-face "I'm always right" dominatrix, either (I was with one of those for two years).

 

As far as my long term relationship planning goes, I know that I am my own problem. I don't have any real goals for myself after this year. I've been living in the short-term too long. No woman's going to benefit from a relationship with me until I get that sorted out for myself, so while I wax poetic about Cindy, I know that even with her, this will still loom over me and anyone I'm with.

[moimeme]

I'm being serious when I tell you that I could probably get this woman to do whatever the hell I want her to do. She'll do as I command. She's my robot. I don't find that attractive

 

I hear ya. Maybe you should hook her up with Yogi!

[jester]

Is there any graceful way out of one relationship and into another?

 

 

Almost never, amerikajin. Heartache and aggravation almost always follow endings.

 

Saying that, you should be able to minimize the grief you'll get. Things are complicated because you all work for the same large employer. Work, the petri dish of many a relationship.

 

First, I don't recommend a letter, e-mail or telephonic break-up. Suck it up, my man, and tell Chee in person that your relationship is kaput. I've read your stuff, and you can express yourself well. Chee's entitled to that--plus, you work together. Just say the relationship has run its course, if she asks why you're ending it.

 

Next, once that is done, take Cindy to the next stage. Court her, and, if you're, lucky, maybe you'll be very happy together for a number of years until the inevitable relationship fatigue sets in.

 

Good luck. By the way, you're not an a**hole. You're a guy.

 

jester

[moimeme]

? Did I hear a bark?