Tired of the Distance

[delanydarling]

So before I get into my slump and explain my situation, let me give you the details. My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. He's 22, and I'm 18. We met through a mutual friend, and I went to high school with his little brother, although I never knew him. He and I are about 2 1/2 hours apart and both in college. So here's my heart's current issue:

 

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for most of our relationship. We met right after my high school graduation in May of 2009, saw each other for two-three months before he convinced me to get caught up in this whole long distance thing. He attends the state university and I attend a smaller university closer to our hometown. I still live with my mother, and she's extremely strick with her rules, which makes it near impossible for me to visit him, so he comes home every couple of weeks to visit me instead.

 

Well recently we've been trying everything to be together in the coming year. This next year is his last year of college, and he had some issues with getting the degree he had hoped for from the school he attends, so he decided to transfer to a school that was cheaper because his scholarship is about to run out. I agreed that whichever school he decided to attend, I would follow him to. I got into a fight with my friends and family about it and he told me that I could pick a college and that he would follow me wherever I wanted to go instead. Anyway, that's a really long story so I'm trying not to get into it too much. He decided that it would be most responsible for him to move home with his parents and attend school locally, but recently he changed his mind and told me that he would not be coming home because the degree he will receive from the state university would look better than my local college, even though it will put him about $16,000 in debt, if not more. When he told me that he wanted to move home, I dropped my plans and got a full-time job so that I could afford to move out and we'd be free of my mother's rules. None of this was something I actually wanted to do, but I feel like I had to take the initiative for our relationship.

 

When he told me he wasn't coming home, I broke down. I know that he thinks that staying at the school he is at is the best decision for him, but I can't help but think that he's making a stupid decision. Yes, most of my reasoning is selfish. I want him near me. I'm so tired of missing him all the time. I basically told him that I can't do this for another year. He really doesn't want me to try to convince him otherwise, but I know that in between both of us balancing school and full time jobs, we aren't going to be able to fill the distance between us. I'm worried that our relationship is going to be lost, and it fills me with a lot of sadness. I love him so much, and I know that we're meant to be together, but at the same time, I absolutely hate missing him 24/7 and wondering what he's up to.

 

He's coming home next weekend and he said we can sort this all out then... So let's hope for the best. Any advice?

[Els]

To be very honest, I never understood the hype with having the 'better university' on one's resume, unless the 'better university' is Ivy league and the 'worse university' is notorious for producing bad grads. If it's two universities that aren't MUCH different, just that one is bigger, it'll be the last thing employers look at. My father, and several relatives and friends are or have been board managers/directors who interview fresh grads - and they unanimously say that the most important determining factor is the graduate himself, not which university he comes from. His skills, attitude, suitability, demonstration of intelligence and initiative.

 

With that said, I really don't think dropping out of college to work for your relationship is a good idea, hon, I really don't. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I really think you should go to college. It isn't a bad idea to get a college near where he is if there's a suitable one, though - aren't there any? You don't need to move in together, you can just live in the dorm and go see him on weekends if it's just an hour or two away.

[delanydarling]

I'm sorry, but I didn't say this... I haven't dropped out of school. I'm out of school for the time being, but I will still be attending school when fall comes around while I work. So I haven't given up my future for him.

[MichelleZB]

It looks like your mother is a big restriction on your dating life no matter whether this relationship works out or not. I would possibly consider keeping the job and moving out anyway.

 

Either that, or perhaps you'll be able to negotiate a better deal with her. I lived with my parents until I was 24, and I understand that there has to be a time when you both accept that you have become adults sharing a home, rather than a parent/child relationship. This can mean that your parents have to cut you more slack in terms of letting you explore your life and make your own mistakes. But it can also mean that you have to contribute to your household like an adult--i.e. contribute something to rent, share responsibility for preparing meals, clean up after yourself, etc.

 

Good luck! I'm not as worried about the boyfriend thing because you guys are still pretty young. I think you should both go to the school you want and see if you can keep this going long-distance. You don't live too far apart, and will be able to manage weekend visits or something once a month. If you can get your mom to back down, or move out, it'll also be easier to arrange visits. Good luck!