HopelessRomance Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I have only dated two guys but I seem to end up in the same position when the relationship is over. I still love them but they just want to be friends. With both I still seem to be able to get along with them as if nothing happened. As in when they say they want to be friends they actually mean it. I want more than anything to still have them in my life I just don't know how to go about doing it. The first ex I handled it all wrong and it was the biggest mistake of my life. We were best friends for a year after we broke up and we lived together. But we also slept together and half the time we were practically dating without the title. We aren't friends anymore because when I finally moved on he got jealous, asked me to marry him but I turned him down. So me and the second boyfriend just broke up 2 weeks ago. Since then we have still been talking a lot and seen each other once in which we both had a great time. But he did break up with me and I still love him. How do I handle this 'just friends' thing without getting hurt? Or is it even worth a try? Link to post Share on other sites
PDPullmn612 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 It's a sticky situation. For me, NC at first is the best possible thing. It can be too hard to be dating someone and then all of the sudden just be friends. I dated this girl for about 9 months that I was deeply in love with. However, after we broke up we tried to be friends, but that didn't work out too well. After about 4-5 months of not talking we started talking again and now we do a few times a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessRomance Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 I guess the problem is I know we can be friends, as in I know it's possible because we basically are right now. We still get along and either act as though nothing is wrong or we joke about the break up like it was nothing. I'm just wondering if that's a good thing. I feel like I might get hurt again. Maybe NC is good until I get over him but obviously he makes me happy and I annoyingly still want to speak to him. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Does it ever work? I suppose so. Sometimes. For some people. Does it often work? I don't think so. Too often the "let's be friends" thing is a ruse; one of the partners is secretly wanting to rekindle the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 No. If you're the one that wants more, don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Short answer. NO. Link to post Share on other sites
browneyedvixen Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Having these same thoughts...I think it can work if both people acknowledge that friends is the extent of it. It's all about boundaries... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Jumping into friend mode immediately following an intimate relationship is never a good idea. It's one persons way of negating guilt and the other persons way of keeping an attachment (crumbs). That rarely works out in anyone's favour. You can revisit the friendship thing only once you are truly over the relationship. When it is no longer painful to hear about their life, that's when a friendship is possible. Usually by the time you realize you don't care anymore, a friendship wouldn't be something you'd want anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dyzfunctioned Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 You can't really be friends if you still have really strong feelings for them, unless you know you can put them aside and get over them. I've tried to be friends with almost all my exes however, and have been relatively successful - and 9/10 I was the one dumped, not vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) And let me add this, I firmly believe that I got my ex back only because I (finally!) told my ex clearly that I could not and would not be friends. It took 5 long months but it worked. If she could have got all the benefits of a R without any of the obligations, she would never have missed me enough to want me back, as we now are back together. Just spent 2 hours together today at lunch, then she sent me 3 emails an hour later and wants to call me to chat more after work. None of this would be possible if NC did not force her to miss me and want me back in her life. Go NC and don't compromise! Edited March 22, 2010 by mmk1 Typos Link to post Share on other sites
WantToFixIt Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 It can work. Sometimes being friends can help you cope and find closure that you will most certainly look for if you go no contact. No contact should always be used as a last resort because it is permanent and hurtful to both you and him. If he is not dating anyone else and was not abusive then try to be friends and get over him at the same time. Sure it will hurt. But it will hurt no matter what you do. Be friends but keep your guard up! Link to post Share on other sites
mama1984 Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 I dont think that ex's can be friends because there were feelings and intimacy there at one time and those feelings dont just disappear it justs get easier to deal with the, but when you are 'friendly" the nice comes out like when you were first together and its real easy for the feelings to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
OndaChin Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Can Ex's be friends? Me personally (from experience): I don't think so. Some say they can be friends but I've never seen ANYONE I know successfully be friends with a past lover. EVER. Best thing to do is ask yourself this question (be honest with yourself): "How will I feel when he stops talking to me (ignoring you) because he's now seeing a new woman?" If you think you'll be ok with that and have no problem being "sh*t on" which most likely will happen afterwards (always does)... Then you can be a "friends" with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Azazael Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 I'm friends with two of my exes, but not close friends. The first one, I hang out with her occasionally, and chat on AIM every once in a while. The second one I mostly just talk to on AIM. It took about a year or more to get on that level with them though. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassygirl2 Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 I too am having trouble with being friends with my ex. He wants to do stuff like go to the movies, get yogurt, etc., and I just have a hard time with it. He dumped me but still wants to keep tabs on me (at least that's what it seems like). I miss him terribly and when he sends me a text or calls which is about once a week...I get my hopes up. I have been trying to be NC for the most part and don't accept his invitations.....I just tell him I have plans even if I don't. Everyone on here (LS) says that if they really love you and want you back then they will know how to find you. I don't see him making this kind of effort. He just does his thing and I think when he gets bored, he calls or asks me to do something. I do want to be friends in the future but right now it's still hard when I still have such strong feelings for him. Link to post Share on other sites
ukguy1985 Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 dumpee's hope and thoughts on friends - slight chance in getting back dumper's thoughts on being friends - ranges from egotistical, manipulative, guilty conscience, back-up option (doubt it tbh), FWB one day. then again maybe we read into peoples actions too much in this day of age that noone can think by themselves. my ldr which ended 7 months ago due to her getting hit on by a guy at a wedding. then 3 months later sends a message "listen i would like for to be friends... or at least civil towards to each other". i assumed saying nothing and ignoring was civil in the online world lol. admittingly i said yes 1 week later then changed mind and told her then said this is difficult and i want to be friends and hardly heard from her since which i expected. i will admit i never met her in rl as unfortunately i was made redundant and couldnt afford it. maybe if i did things wouldve developed differently or the same who knows. i will admit when i was on holiday a week ago in the states, it was annoying seeing the name of the city she lives in as well as being next to both of my departure gates and her name being on a apartment block and on a food item in the states, since she is from there. irony eh? the old me would consider these as "signs" but now i just see them as a stupid reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 (edited) I see no point in being friends with an ex. The way I see it is that if either party has any feelings then it won't work since one person will always be looking for something more. If both parties don't have any feelings then why bother? Chances are that the friendship will start when one or both people are single and when one/both get into a relationship the friendship may end. If it doesn't there then it may later on. I just don't see exes being friends if they get married and have families so why waste the time if it is going to end down the line? Also, one or both parties will probably be cautious of what they say and how they go about things ie they may be hesitant to whip out compliments for fear they'll be taken the wrong way and the same for hanging out....it may be something that rarely gets done because they don't want it to seem like they want to hang out all the time and that it means more than it does. The same for being really open so they'll then keep a lot of daily life details to themselves or share with REAL friends. The friends thing is almost always initiated by the dumper which mainly shows they are doing it just to look good and clear their mind. Friendship is the biggest part of being in a relationship so if you dump someone you are dumping that friendship. All the power to those who are friends with exes and all the power to those who have stayed friends even when in marriage or other long term serious relationships....this is the minority. To me is more a product from tv, mainly seinfeld. In reality it is more like glorified facebook friendships... Edited March 26, 2010 by Weird Link to post Share on other sites
sabre Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Nearly 5 years ago the girl i thought i would marry dumped me. (I suspected cheating on her part, but that's another story.) She wanted to be friends right away. After a few months of living hell, as I really loved her, I told her I couldn't see her for a while. After about a year of nc we ran into each other and began hanging out. Everything was great. The friendship was wonderful. I dated a few other girls and respectfully lessened contact with her while dating. Regardless of how friendships work, current gf's always see the ex as a threat. After one breakup I found it very beneficial to have another girl to sit and talk to. She even moved in with me recently (strictly as a room mate, nothing going on). Now she's moved in with her current bf and we all hang out occasionally. Her parents still ask when she's gonna marry me! Things couldn't be better. It is possible, but time is the key. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Only if you couldn't give a damn who your ex is dating. Still madly in love with them? Don't even bother. Link to post Share on other sites
sabre Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Only if you couldn't give a damn who your ex is dating. Still madly in love with them? Don't even bother. True. I had to stay nc until the love faded, and sometimes it was hard. Now, things are great. And I actually like and approve of this new guy. She's done much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Macaw Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 dumpee's hope and thoughts on friends - slight chance in getting back dumper's thoughts on being friends - ranges from egotistical, manipulative, guilty conscience, back-up option (doubt it tbh), FWB one day. There is some truth to this statement, but it's far from being foolproof. Human beings can be as diverse as they can be malicious, and I'm a living example of the exception to your rule. I managed to stay good friends with my ex-girlfriend after we broke up. The relationship wasn't very good for either one of us, but we had more than a couple dozen mutual friends, so the NC thing just seemed more of a hassle than it was worth. We really didn't care each other started dating other people, albeit the competitive side in me was somewhat jealous that she found another guy before I found a new girl, but not deeply offended. It depends on a lot of factors, but like the other posters said, if either side still is madly in love with the other, then staying as friends is probably not the best choice. It can be done, but you'll spend much time and energy trying to win the other back, when you should be spending that energy on yourself and finding someone else to love. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 How do I handle this 'just friends' thing without getting hurt? Or is it even worth a try? The short answer is no. There is no real advantage to being a friend with an ex that you still have romantic feelings for. You're just going to get hurt again. Best bet? Move on with your life in a forward motion and do the best you can. Link to post Share on other sites
lisal0u Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 This is also on my mind quite a lot. My boyfriend of 14 years dumped me 7 weeks ago and Im still heart broken and want him to come back. He wants to remain friends and we have met up a few times. Trouble is it makes me feel good at the time then I have a massive downer a couple of days later. I realise that getting over my ex is like going cold turkey! I want to go NC to help me heal but also its going to be so so hard. He suggested meeting up every couple of weeks for a catch up but no contact in between. We have a house together so there are things we need to discuss. I think I need to get over the hurt before I can do this. I spoke to him about it and I said I dont know that we can be friends as when he gets someone else I dont want to be dumped as a friend too. He said that would never happen and if the new girlfriend couldnt handle it then she isnt someone he would want to be with! I cant imagine any new girlfriend being comfortable with him having a friend who was an ex, first love, lost the v card too and were together 14 years! What gives me hope is that 2 of my best friends went through something simlar. They were together 6 years and it took about a year for them to be good friends again. We are a close nit group of friends so it will be hard for us not to be friends. They hang out and their significant others dont mind as we all hang out together so they can see its nothing more then friendship. That is what I hope for! Just wish I could fast forward 6 months or so! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 We have a house together so there are things we need to discuss Haven't seen stbx in over 8 months. Talked on phone twice. Divorce stuff (including asset division, like houses) all handled by mail and e-mail. No need to be friends with an ex. Be *friendly* and *cordial* to facilitate amicable dissolution, then bye-bye Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) loooking back i can't say that i am really true "friends" with any of them. even after all the good intentions at the time. i have a few that will contact me here and there for some sort of catching up thing. other than that there's really no friendship. we just move on with our lives. my most recent ex "would really like to be my friend" per her, again i dont see the point, she is dating some one. so i dont see how that is going to work out. i dont see why she would want to hang out with me anyway while she is with another guy. and i have come to the conclusion i dont really want to be around while she is. in fact i am not so sure that i would want to be there if things ended between them and i was single at the time! its never the same. so my opnioin is trying to be friends with your ex is a waste of your time. im sure there are the rare, and i mean very rare exceptions, but for the most part i feel like its a ruse. your time would be much better spent working on your own life and finding someone else who loves and respects you. Edited March 30, 2010 by paleblue Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts