on being a jerk

[april]

my boyfriend can be so sarcastic and then so sweet. i have been with him for three years now and lately have been noticing how sarcastic he is. instead of just answering me with a yes or no, he'll say "I guess" or "what do you think?" or if i ask him "why are you going to the shop on sunday?" he'll say "cause i can" or if i ask him what he is doing today he may say "i'll make you a list" on and on. this has been the way he always is, but lately it's getting to me. did i turn too sensitive or what? then in the evenings when the stress of the day is over, he holds me and tells me how much he loves me, and is so attenitive. i know he loves me, and i know that i need to work on not asking him so many questions, but they seem to unwarrant his scarcasm. i try to tell him but he thinks i'm the one in a bad mood or acting that way, not him. we are not kids, we are in our 40's and this makes it even more troublesome. i am thinking about leaving this relationship cause i'm so tired of the nitpicking etc. yet i love him so much, and i'd miss him alot and always wonder if i had a role to play in this and if so what? and how can i figure out if it's just me or if it's is him? sometimes i think i look for excuses to leave him rather then try to fix things. it's so easy to blame the other. thank you for listening.....april

[Randy]

You sort of indicated that he's been sarcastic all along. It is pretty normal for certain things not to bother us too much in the initial stages and newness of a relationship. It seems you are noticing things a lot more now that the two of you are approaching the three year mark.

 

Well, you can't really change a person much. His sarcasm is probably more of a habit than anything. But he's had it for a long time. If you let him know it is simply unacceptable to you and the two of you can work together to fix it, he may care about the relationship enough to make permanent change.

 

It sounds like you are at the stage now where you need to do something quickly and see some work on his part or you are going to leave. Don't threaten him with leaving but let him know the relationship is entering the danger zone and you just choose not to tolerate his caustic nature any longer.

 

He sounds like he's got a great side to him. Find out which side and mix it with the other.

[Taressa]

When we're in the infatuation stages of a relationship it's easy to lose track of ourselves. We're so pleased with the other person that we don't always assert ourselves... we offer a sugar-coated, all-trusting, all-accepting self in the relationship.

 

I think your current trouble is just a sign that you've both grown enough in the relationship that you feel free to be yourselves. Unfortunately you're allowing his sarcasm to wreak a little havoc on your self-esteem.

 

I agree with Randy that you've got a promising thing with this man. I agree also that it's time for boldness on your behalf to teach him how you prefer to be treated. He may not react too well at first since you're changing the rules of the game but if it's love and if you stand strong, he'll come around. The end-of-the-day cuddling can be wonderful but let him know it isn't enough to hold a relationship together. Respect, kindness, and honesty will see you through.