Furious

[JessaL]

Any advice for me?

 

I'm beyond annoyed about my bf's lack of contact this weekend:

Friday I talked to him online, but only briefly while he was at work.

I sent him some texts after work, and his response to literally every text was ":-)"

 

Saturday late morning I called him and we talked for about 20 minutes. After that I texted him a few times throughout the afternoon, and he responded to each text, but with noncommittal answers similar to ":-)". I didn't text him past 5pm or call him, and he didn't text or call me.

 

Today, I'm pretty pissed off and haven't bothered to contact him at all, and of course he hasn't bothered to contact me.

 

The LD part of our relationship will be ending sometime this week or next.

 

What do you make of this? I am absolutely 100% pissed, and wondering what the **** his problem is. I need someone to talk me down from this...or some sympathy...

 

Basically, this entire weekend, our only contact has been initiated by me, and dead-ended by his lame non-response....right before things should be looking up for us.

[JessaL]

So he finally texted me a minute ago (about an activity that he was supposed to have done this morning, but apparently is only doing at 9pm because he's hungover from the night before), about something he's annoyed about....and I only responded "lol." as that was his favored response all weekend....no one wants to jump in here?

[sugarmomma]

Sometimes it helps to treat them the same way. They can dish it out but they cannot take it.

 

He's just trying to trigger your insecurities. Why? I have no idea. Maybe his own insecurities. I would just get busy living my life and fit him in when I can.

 

Don't sweat it or get angry. Get busy.

[EricaH329]

So he finally texted me a minute ago (about an activity that he was supposed to have done this morning, but apparently is only doing at 9pm because he's hungover from the night before), about something he's annoyed about....and I only responded "lol." as that was his favored response all weekend....no one wants to jump in here?

 

There are some serious communication issues here. My advice to you, would be not to fall into his pattern of communicating. It will resolve absolutely nothing. If you are upset and want to talk to him about these things, then tell him. Ask him what day and time would be best for him to have a phone conversation to discuss the things that are bothering you.

[mella]

I understand that you are annoyed. I don't think this is something to blow a gasket over though. Honestly, I think it sounds like you don't trust him and you are keeping track of who contacts who - seems a bit petty.

 

Did you have some predetermined rule about contact, that it should be initiated by him after 5 pm?

[JessaL]

I'm such an *******. Now he keeps texting me (now that he's doing something he doesn't want to be doing, as opposed to having fun or relaxing), and I'm only sending him one word or one symbol resopnses that are the exact same as the responses he was giving me all weekend.

 

No lie, as I scroll through my inbox, every response from him is :-), lol, alright!, or something similar and equally retarded.

[sugarmomma]

He's playing games. He knows exactly what he's doing. If she talks to him and he does it again nobody's gonna wanna keep talking about the same silliness. He'll label her a nag. I would give him a bit of his own treatment like she's doing. Why should she work harder at the r than he is?

[JessaL]

I understand that you are annoyed. I don't think this is something to blow a gasket over though. Honestly, I think it sounds like you don't trust him and you are keeping track of who contacts who - seems a bit petty.

 

Did you have some predetermined rule about contact, that it should be initiated by him after 5 pm?

No, but I expect him to actually initiate contact, which he hasn't done all weekend (until now, when, as I said, he's doing something he doesnt' want to be doing); I also expect better answers thatn "lol" or ":-)".

 

This is not the norm for us.

 

Probably I'm being stubborn, but I don't see the point in contacting him (as I have been all weekend) in order to tell him I'm not pleased with him, when I'm literally moving there to be with him so soon.

 

I also understand that my behavior is immature and counterproductive, and is indeed petty.

 

Just got off the phone with my sister and she thinks I should just break up with him.

[JessaL]

He's playing games. He knows exactly what he's doing. If she talks to him and he does it again nobody's gonna wanna keep talking about the same silliness. He'll label her a nag. I would give him a bit of his own treatment like she's doing. Why should she work harder at the r than he is?

This is exactly how I feel.

[sugarmomma]

Yea its like you're a plan b or something. I don't get on well with guys who are inconsistent in ther contact and think I'm supposed to be available like nothing happened.

[mella]

Break up with him? WTH? I feel like I am missing a big part of the story or something.

[EricaH329]

He's playing games.

 

And her treating him the same way, isn't?

 

I would give him a bit of his own treatment like she's doing. Why should she work harder at the r than he is?

 

No offense, but this just seems childish. When there is a problem, it needs to be communicated effectively. What is happening here, is the problem will continue to worsen.

 

I agree that she shouldn't be working harder on the relationship than he is. It should be equal. That is what communication is for. And if he refuses to change, well... then... I think we all know what needs to happen. But resorting to childish behaviour (again, no offense) is heading in the wrong direction.

[sugarmomma]

ldr are hard enough without the games. maybe her sister sees something she doesn't.

[EricaH329]

This is not the norm for us.

 

Then why even consider breaking up with him without discussing how this whole thing is making you feel? Maybe he's been really busy, maybe he has a valid reason for this. Afterall, this is the first time this has happened.

 

I think breaking up is seriously jumping the gun. IMO, you are allowing your emotions to consume you. I'd take a breather, explain to him how what he is doing is making you feel, and take it from there.

[JessaL]

Break up with him? WTH? I feel like I am missing a big part of the story or something.

Well I think my sister's assessment is slightly off, but we agree that he has been very self-absorbed. She wonders how happy I will be with him in the future...I am starting to wonder also...the fact that we were dating LD for the last part of our R makes it easier to write it off as "things will be better when we're together"

And her treating him the same way, isn't?

 

 

 

No offense, but this just seems childish. When there is a problem, it needs to be communicated effectively. What is happening here, is the problem will continue to worsen.

 

I agree that she shouldn't be working harder on the relationship than he is. It should be equal. That is what communication is for. And if he refuses to change, well... then... I think we all know what needs to happen. But resorting to childish behaviour (again, no offense) is heading in the wrong direction.

No doubt I am playing games and being immature.

 

I am really freaking angry, know bf would blow it off as drama/ridiculous no matter how calmly I brought it up, and so am acting just like him. He obviously doesn't like it, as now he's ignoring me.

[JessaL]

Then why even consider breaking up with him without discussing how this whole thing is making you feel? Maybe he's been really busy, maybe he has a valid reason for this. Afterall, this is the first time this has happened.

 

I think breaking up is seriously jumping the gun. IMO, you are allowing your emotions to consume you. I'd take a breather, explain to him how what he is doing is making you feel, and take it from there.

No doubt you are right about me letting my emotions consume me. I completely agree that this is what is happening right now.

 

He definitely was not at all busy. He spent more time updating his ****ing FB account than he did responding to MY ATTEMPTS AT COMMUNICATION. He made NO attempts at communication until late tonight. His weekend consisted of ****ing smoking joints and drinking with his buddies all night, and lounging around in bed all day.

 

Sorry for all caps, but this is making me feel calmer.

[EricaH329]

No doubt I am playing games and being immature.

 

I am really freaking angry, know bf would blow it off as drama/ridiculous no matter how calmly I brought it up, and so am acting just like him. He obviously doesn't like it, as now he's ignoring me.

 

I understand your anger. Trust me. I was in an LDR for almost a year, and there would be times where him and I wouldn't talk for days. I completely understand what you are going through.

 

That said, i've done everything you've done so far. Get upset, allow my frustrations to dictate my behaviour, and play immature games. None of that has helped my relationship in a positive way, and it most certainly hasn't helped me become a better person. A person that I would want to be, and be with.

 

If you give him examples, as you are telling him how this is making you feel, it becomes easier to understand on his part. For example: "Baby, we haven't talked much this weekend. We had one phone convo for 20 minutes, and your texts seemed to be very stand-offish. Like when you would text me 'lol' or 'alright'. LDR's are difficult, and I feel as though we need a little more communication. Let's work on this together."

 

The more understanding, and nice you are about this... the more he will be able to relate and is more likely to respond in a positive manner.

[mella]

I agree with Erica. If you blow up on him about it you won't get the end result you want, most likely. Cool off before you say something, chances are he is clueless, esp if he spent the weekend pulling bong hits. Time gets out of order when you smoke pot and he is probably clueless, not playing games.

[2sunny]

this seems terribly needy to me. why can't he have fun even for a day without having to check in so that you feel "OK"?

 

why is your happiness based upon how much attention he's paying to you?

 

i would say stay busy... that's probably what he has going and prone to just being irritated when you act so needy.

[JessaL]

I agree with Erica. If you blow up on him about it you won't get the end result you want, most likely. Cool off before you say something, chances are he is clueless, esp if he spent the weekend pulling bong hits. Time gets out of order when you smoke pot and he is probably clueless, not playing games.

Supposedly he didn't get high, just had a couple hits.

 

this seems terribly needy to me. why can't he have fun even for a day without having to check in so that you feel "OK"?

 

why is your happiness based upon how much attention he's paying to you?

 

i would say stay busy... that's probably what he has going and prone to just being irritated when you act so needy.

It's not that he's not "allowed" to have fun, it's that when I'm contacting him during "non fun" hours I expect a better response than "lol" or ":-)" (trust me, neither are appropriate responses); I also expect him to make some minimal effort to contact me at some point during a 72-hr point (don't you expect that of your Rs?) , even if it's just a text message (not an "lol" response to a question I sent him); it's typical of him throughout our relationship to only contact me via gchat when he's bored at work; it is my opinion that LDRs do not only occur during breaks from work between the hours of 9-5.

 

I don't think it's needy of me to pissed off that he basically ignored me for an entire ****ing weekd, 72 hours, when I'm moving to be with HIM at his request, because he can't ****ing move.

 

Even when I am busy (and trust me, I ****ing am, as I am MOVING AND have a social life), I can find the time to PARTICIPATE IN A RELATIONSHIP SOMETIME DURING A 72 HOUR PERIOD OF TIME.

[sugarmomma]

this seems terribly needy to me. why can't he have fun even for a day without having to check in so that you feel "OK"?

 

why is your happiness based upon how much attention he's paying to you?

 

i would say stay busy... that's probably what he has going and prone to just being irritated when you act so needy.

 

 

I agree with sunny that you will sound needy talking to him about his 2nd class behavior that he should no better than. Its useless especially with a very self absorbed person as the OP has described him. She already said that he wouldn't be receptive to her requests for more consideration re the way they communicate.

 

I also said she should get busy.

[EricaH329]

Jessa, breathe. I can understand how aggrevated and upset you are right now, but this is not a healthy state of mind to be in. Try doing something relaxing. Take a hot bath. Play violent video games (it really does help!), something to get you out of this frustration.

 

I wouldn't attempt to talk to him while you are this upset. It'll only end up in disaster.

[mella]

Supposedly he didn't get high, just had a couple hits.

 

I don't even know what this means...is Bill Clinton writing this?

[JessaL]

I agree with sunny that you will sound needy talking to him about his 2nd class behavior that he should no better than. Its useless especially with a very self absorbed person as the OP has described him. She already said that he wouldn't be receptive to her requests for more consideration re the way they communicate.

 

I also said she should get busy.

 

Jessa, breathe. I can understand how aggrevated and upset you are right now, but this is not a healthy state of mind to be in. Try doing something relaxing. Take a hot bath. Play violent video games (it really does help!), something to get you out of this frustration.

 

I wouldn't attempt to talk to him while you are this upset. It'll only end up in disaster.

Unfortunately, I have to finish packing.

 

I know that ya'll are right.

 

It really sucks, feeling like an afterthought, when you're moving to be with somebody.

[EricaH329]

She already said that he wouldn't be receptive to her requests for more consideration re the way they communicate.

 

Jessa -- Have you talked to him about this sort of thing before, and are basing this on past responses? Or are you just assuming this is how he will react?

 

Either way, this needs to be discussed. You obviously are not happy in a relationship with little contact, and if he is not willing to give that to you, then you should re-evaluate the relationship.