Furious

[sugarmomma]

Yea it kind of makes you wonder about moving to be with him.

[mella]

Jessa, I agree that this is a pain for you, but it's not the end of the world. What are you getting out of being this upset about it? I think your anger for him runs deeper than this one situation.

[JessaL]

this seems terribly needy to me. why can't he have fun even for a day without having to check in so that you feel "OK"?

 

why is your happiness based upon how much attention he's paying to you?

 

i would say stay busy... that's probably what he has going and prone to just being irritated when you act so needy.

 

Sorry 2sunny, but that was really theraputic for me....considering using that "finding time in a 72-hr time period to participate in a relationship" line on my bf...

Supposedly he didn't get high, just had a couple hits.

 

I don't even know what this means...is Bill Clinton writing this?

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[RobM]

Maybe this is old fashion but instead of texting each, just call him and have an actually conversation on the phone, then leave him alone for 24 hours, no need to text each other every 5 minutes.

[sugarmomma]

I kind of had the same situation. BF was driving friday10 hours to visit fam and we talked most of the way there. once he got there he called me two hours later (knowing I would be sleep). Then saturday I sent him a text he called and we talked briefly. Said he would tell me about something later. Didn't call me until this morning. I didn't answer. Called him back 3 hours later from my aunts phone becuz I dropped mine in the toilet. Now he can't talk to me for 2 days. He's bummed. Thought he was gonna talk to me for his whole drive back. NOT.

[JessaL]

Jessa -- Have you talked to him about this sort of thing before, and are basing this on past responses? Or are you just assuming this is how he will react?

 

Either way, this needs to be discussed. You obviously are not happy in a relationship with little contact, and if he is not willing to give that to you, then you should re-evaluate the relationship.

I've mentioned to him before that I need more contact...I know that if I very calmly told him now what I'm feeling his reaction would be annoyance/disgust at what he would call "drama" and "insecurity". He would acknowledge my issue, but would also make it clear that he was annoyed and thought it was retarded. Especially since I am moving and we will never be in this specific situation again.

 

In regards to previous discussions...it was also different because it was winter and he didn't want to go out so much...now that it's warm out he apparently has time to drink and sleep off his hang over, do other stuff that doesn't involve or include me, and that's it.

 

So after it was discussed, it appeared that he got better, but now that I'm finding myself in that position again, I see it is weather-related and not because he made any special effort.

 

It's just that he was home alone and bored, so he would call and text me more.

 

Yea it kind of makes you wonder about moving to be with him.

Yup. Although I got a pretty sweet job there, so there's always that. Better than I could get here, and better than what I'm currently doing.

 

Jessa, I agree that this is a pain for you, but it's not the end of the world. What are you getting out of being this upset about it? I think your anger for him runs deeper than this one situation.

Partly what I'm getting out of it is that I haven't expressed or acknowledged anger in about 4 years. The only thing that could make me feel better than I do feeling angry right now and opsting about it here is if I actually had the balls to just call my bf and scream all this at him...but of course I would probably feel worse afterwards

 

And yeah, you're probably right about that last part....

[JessaL]

Thought he was gonna talk to me for his whole drive back. NOT.

Oh the satisfaction

[hoping2heal]

 

No doubt I am playing games and being immature.

 

I am really freaking angry, know bf would blow it off as drama/ridiculous no matter how calmly I brought it up, and so am acting just like him. He obviously doesn't like it, as now he's ignoring me.

 

Well, that's the first big problem. Does this happen a lot? While some of us are reading your initial post and not quite understanding why you feel so enraged; I get the feeling the reason you DO feel so enraged is perhaps you are stockpiling relationship woes instead of addressing them. If you feel like you can't tell your partner when something is bothersome without being dismissed that has to bother anybody. Choosing to play games "back at him" may be an option but it really isn't a very good one. You'll never be able to trust someone that you deep down know you just can't be honest with. So I would suggest opening a dialogue about this so you two can work on having an open door - that way you DON"T end up just stockpiling unresolved feelings and then blowing up - because then that will look unfounded and the real reason for your anger will get overlooked.

[mella]

so this situation is just a symptom of the bigger picture. I dont know, maybe your sister is right. I am now starting to get the distinct feeing that he is just a sucky boyfriend.

[sweetjasmine]

I know that if I very calmly told him now what I'm feeling his reaction would be annoyance/disgust at what he would call "drama" and "insecurity". He would acknowledge my issue, but would also make it clear that he was annoyed and thought it was retarded.

 

No wonder you're mad. Does he usually do that?

[2sunny]

Supposedly he didn't get high, just had a couple hits.

 

 

It's not that he's not "allowed" to have fun, it's that when I'm contacting him during "non fun" hours I expect a better response than "lol" or ":-)" (trust me, neither are appropriate responses); I also expect him to make some minimal effort to contact me at some point during a 72-hr point (don't you expect that of your Rs?) , even if it's just a text message (not an "lol" response to a question I sent him); it's typical of him throughout our relationship to only contact me via gchat when he's bored at work; it is my opinion that LDRs do not only occur during breaks from work between the hours of 9-5.

 

I don't think it's needy of me to pissed off that he basically ignored me for an entire ****ing weekd, 72 hours, when I'm moving to be with HIM at his request, because he can't ****ing move.

 

Even when I am busy (and trust me, I ****ing am, as I am MOVING AND have a social life), I can find the time to PARTICIPATE IN A RELATIONSHIP SOMETIME DURING A 72 HOUR PERIOD OF TIME.

 

wait a minute... a 72 hour period - but you said he did correspond by text - just not the way YOU wanted him to. and he was WORKING, right?

 

IF he didn't respond the way you expected - that's not HIS fault. it is yours to deal with since YOU are the one who is angry.

 

IF YOU don't like it THAT much - then call and tell him precisely why.

 

it is extremely passive aggressive that you WON'T tell him directly how you feel - bit you are blatantly willing to come here and complain specifically about his actions.

 

tell him! he's not a mind reader for goodness sakes.

 

if you can't communicate simple feelings - i would never suggest moving to be with him.

 

communication is key... say what you mean and mean what you say.

[sugarmomma]

Jessa, I hope you are getting your own place when you move there. Have you guys ever lived together? Does he work?

[JessaL]

wait a minute... a 72 hour period - but you said he did correspond by text - just not the way YOU wanted him to. and he was WORKING, right?

 

IF he didn't respond the way you expected - that's not HIS fault. it is yours to deal with since YOU are the one who is angry.

 

IF YOU don't like it THAT much - then call and tell him precisely why.

 

it is extremely passive aggressive that you WON'T tell him directly how you feel - bit you are blatantly willing to come here and complain specifically about his actions.

 

tell him! he's not a mind reader for goodness sakes.

 

if you can't communicate simple feelings - i would never suggest moving to be with him.

 

communication is key... say what you mean and mean what you say.

Hey 2sunny - during the 72 hour period that I am angry about he was not working. I'm sure in my rage I'm muddling things. During maybe the first half of this time period, he did respond to my communication to him; the reason I find it lacking, however, is because I don't think (and most people wouldn't think) that "lol" is an appropriate response to a text like "what do you want to do for your birthday?"; nor do I (or most people I imagine) thing ":-)" is an appropriate response to "my friend is coming to visit on X weekend, which day would you rather meet up for drinks?"

 

Jessa, I hope you are getting your own place when you move there. Have you guys ever lived together? Does he work?

Yeah, I have my own place there; we haven't lived together, but we have had some long 'visits' (up to 3 months); he also has a job.

 

Feel free to keep posting if you have anything to say, I'm getting back to packing though; I have to get up for work in the morning, then finish up packing...

[JustLooking123]

Wait a sec. Didn't you post recently about him getting a female roommate, which was making you feel insecure because he had hooked up with his previous female roommates? What happened with that situation?

 

It sounds like he's either clueless or inconsiderate (or both), and you have a hard time asserting yourself and communicating your needs.

[sugarmomma]

Hey 2sunny - during the 72 hour period that I am angry about he was not working. I'm sure in my rage I'm muddling things. During maybe the first half of this time period, he did respond to my communication to him; the reason I find it lacking, however, is because I don't think (and most people wouldn't think) that "lol" is an appropriate response to a text like "what do you want to do for your birthday?"; nor do I (or most people I imagine) thing ":-)" is an appropriate response to "my friend is coming to visit on X weekend, which day would you rather meet up for drinks?"

 

QUOTE]

 

Stop doing all the initiating when it comes to doing things together. It should be balanced whereas he gets to show his level of interest in doing things as well.

Edited March 22, 2010 by sugarmomma

[2sunny]

Partly what I'm getting out of it is that I haven't expressed or acknowledged anger in about 4 years. The only thing that could make me feel better than I do feeling angry right now and opsting about it here is if I actually had the balls to just call my bf and scream all this at him...but of course I would probably feel worse afterwards

 

i actually think it's more beneficial to a healthy relationship to tell him the truth.

 

yes, get mad - if you're mad. how can he know how you feel if YOU don't tell him.

 

communicate directly with him - BY PHONE CALLS.

 

this seems so silly - and a simple solution yet you are fighting the obvious solution.

 

my question is - why are you fighting such a simple way to fix this?

[Els]

i actually think it's more beneficial to a healthy relationship to tell him the truth.

 

yes, get mad - if you're mad. how can he know how you feel if YOU don't tell him.

 

communicate directly with him - BY PHONE CALLS.

 

this seems so silly - and a simple solution yet you are fighting the obvious solution.

 

my question is - why are you fighting such a simple way to fix this?

 

Did you read the part where she said she brought it up and he dismissed it as 'drama' and 'overreaction'?

[2sunny]

Did you read the part where she said she brought it up and he dismissed it as 'drama' and 'overreaction'?

 

i think he's telling her HIS truth.

 

did you see how many threads she has started that are questioning her drama level?

 

if there's no drama - we don't normally question this.

 

it could never be something to worry about again if she would quit creating drama over "never getting mad" and start communicating effectively with him.

 

she keeps avoiding it at every turn - when that would simply solve the problem.

 

she will NEVER have a happy, healthy relationship if she doesn't learn how to do this simple task.

 

so it seems clear that it's most likely her - and not him. or maybe she just enjoys having a reason to be angry? who knows - if she's not willing to be honest with us here, there is nothing we can help her with. the truth helps.

[Away]

Well, you've already gotten a lot of advice... and I personally would have to agree with the people that have said that treating him the same way will not solve your problem...

 

talking to him about it might be better... and yes, I understand why you're angry... but maybe he just wanted a night "alone" to get drunk without continiously texting??? I think texting a lot can be a little annoying when you're trying to hang out with other people and do stuff, when this happens to me I feel like I'm neither texting comfortably or really into whatever other thing I'm doing..

 

So now that he's at home and has time to text without distractions, he's doing that...

 

Anyway, I just think you should talk to him about it and clear it out...

 

good luck!

[Els]

i think he's telling her HIS truth.

 

did you see how many threads she has started that are questioning her drama level?

 

if there's no drama - we don't normally question this.

 

it could never be something to worry about again if she would quit creating drama over "never getting mad" and start communicating effectively with him.

 

she keeps avoiding it at every turn - when that would simply solve the problem.

 

she will NEVER have a happy, healthy relationship if she doesn't learn how to do this simple task.

 

so it seems clear that it's most likely her - and not him. or maybe she just enjoys having a reason to be angry? who knows - if she's not willing to be honest with us here, there is nothing we can help her with. the truth helps.

 

Wouldn't you be pissed if your guy only answers you with 'lol', '', etc, for three straight days for no good reason? That's almost equivalent to not answering at all, really.

[2sunny]

Wouldn't you be pissed if your guy only answers you with 'lol', '', etc, for three straight days for no good reason? That's almost equivalent to not answering at all, really.

 

only if we had consistent communication before that on a daily basis and he hadn't expressed to expect a change for those few days.

 

this is where a phone call can clear up any misunderstandings or ill feelings.

 

to hear the voice and tone with inflection would either put me at ease or make me understand that something had changed or was "off."

 

it would also allow me to convey my concern for any change that i wasn't expecting.

 

to call and be honest is key. what i get from the other end once my concerns were spoken is also a clue in what should be expected from my end thereafter.

[JessaL]

Wouldn't you be pissed if your guy only answers you with 'lol', '', etc, for three straight days for no good reason? That's almost equivalent to not answering at all, really.

Agree....

 

 

Anyways, the short story is I told him I'm hurt and angry that he can't be bothered to contact me unless he is at work or doing a chore he doesn't want to be doing or bored; and if he's doing something else he can't be bothered to respond to me with more than a ":-)" or "lol". Told him that if I'm moving there I want to feel like he will make time for me, and work on a relationship with me.

 

And, I don't feel any better. Maybe in the morning.

 

Forgot to tell him that if he ever bothered to give me a call or a text or something to chat for a minute, and mention any plans out he might, I wouldn't feel offended by these things.

 

Really don't want to bring it up again though.

[2sunny]

well i'd say that's a good start. i would expect the need to relay how you feel about things as you go along so that it steers clear of any further misunderstandings between both of you.

 

what was his response to you expressing that you were hurt and angry over this?

 

did he apologize? offer any solutions? willing to make more effort for clear communication?

 

constant communication is needed in any relationship. to avoid bringing things up when it may involve you getting angry or hurt is not healthy for you. did you have this sort of pattern as a child growing up?

 

can you be more open to expressing your true feelings more often? this is the only way you will stand a chance at being happy as you get older and try to work towards a healthy relationship/marriage.

[JessaL]

 

what was his response to you expressing that you were hurt and angry over this?

 

did he apologize? offer any solutions? willing to make more effort for clear communication?

"Sorry you feel that way", then a huge rant.

 

constant communication is needed in any relationship. to avoid bringing things up when it may involve you getting angry or hurt is not healthy for you. did you have this sort of pattern as a child growing up?

I guess I learned it from my mom. I don't have a good example or experience seeing how loving adults communicate their issues.

 

can you be more open to expressing your true feelings more often? this is the only way you will stand a chance at being happy as you get older and try to work towards a healthy relationship/marriage.

Methinks not with this guy

[JessaL]

And now I finally get the apology/solution AFTER he said all kinds of hurtful things and dragged what should've been a short discussion into a fight that lasted through today.

 

"I understand why you felt that way and I'm going to do XYZ so that you don't feel that way again."

 

I actually had to tell him I was done discussing it because he couldn't leave personality flaws out of it and flaming my character is making everything worse.

 

When I was telling him my problem I was very careful to give a balanced view, point out things he had done that made me feel considered, and stick only to my feelings and a specific action on his part.

Edited March 22, 2010 by JessaL