Why can't the MM tell the truth? *spin off*

[donnamaybe]

Why can't an MM/MW tell the truth? Because it suits their own selfish agenda to lie.

[greengoddess]

Why can't an MM/MW tell the truth? Because it suits their own selfish agenda to lie.

 

and if they could tell the truth they would not be in an affair to begin with. They would tell the wife the marriage was done and they wanted to find someone new before doing it.

[Spark1111]

Or, they would admit they had developed feelings for someone else and separate; we could go to counseling to see if there was a marriage worth saving; I would also have the opportunity to date others and see if there was an emotional connection better than my marriage.

 

But they don't. And I often wonder is it all the bs about family, responsibilites and obligations?

 

Or, by lying and deceiving, THEY ENSURE the wife they SUPPOSEDLY no longer emotionally connect with WILL NOT DATE OR SCREW another man????

 

And I wonder WHY many OW do not wonder about this themselves?????

[Brokenlady]

as does the ow ususally when she begins the affair. The ow normally lies to all her friends and family either about having a relationship or about the mm's marital status. She'll lie and tell her friends she doesn't want to go out when she's planning to have mm over etc etc. It just keeps piling on till the lies feel natural.

 

No, I didn't hide it from my friends. Why would I? I needed them for emotional support. I didn't expect anyone to cheerlead my choice, and I needed objective people around me. Afterall, what good is having friends if you can't be yourself? My friends don't lie to me about their choices either. It is part of the friendship that makes it so valuable.

[Fallen Angel]

Or, they would admit they had developed feelings for someone else and separate; we could go to counseling to see if there was a marriage worth saving; I would also have the opportunity to date others and see if there was an emotional connection better than my marriage.

 

But they don't. And I often wonder is it all the bs about family, responsibilites and obligations?

 

Or, by lying and deceiving, THEY ENSURE the wife they SUPPOSEDLY no longer emotionally connect with WILL NOT DATE OR SCREW another man????

 

And I wonder WHY many OW do not wonder about this themselves?????

 

I have asked My Sweetheart about this, he said that he would hope that his wife would find someone who would love her and treat her kindly. He would not begrudge her that, and that it would simply make things easier if she were to fall in love elsewhere, as it would allow them to both make choices based on their emotions and not their obligations.

[Brokenlady]

And for the record, the concur with FA about MM telling the W about loving the OW. My xDM told his x-wife. I saw the email he sent her, and I saw the email she sent back. In her email she referenced how hard it was to hear from him that he loved him. Some MM do tell the W the truth about their feelings for the OW, but I suspect it tends to be those either in exit A's, or those who have a resentful axe to grind and want to hurt the BW.

[Brokenlady]

Or, by lying and deceiving, THEY ENSURE the wife they SUPPOSEDLY no longer emotionally connect with WILL NOT DATE OR SCREW another man????

 

And I wonder WHY many OW do not wonder about this themselves?????

 

I asked xDM about this while he was still living with xW. He said he hoped she'd find someone else to take her off his hands so he wouldn't feel so guilty. AFter he moved out and she started dating, he encouraged her to date (again, I know this from emails I saw), and always offered to keep the kids so she could go out on dates. (I'm sure it was all very confusing for her though - on one hand he encouraged her to date, which annoyed her because she wanted him back, and on the other, he was still playing husband.)

[Spark1111]

I have asked My Sweetheart about this, he said that he would hope that his wife would find someone who would love her and treat her kindly. He would not begrudge her that, and that it would simply make things easier if she were to fall in love elsewhere, as it would allow them to both make choices based on their emotions and not their obligations.

 

Well, if your MM's wife KNOWS about the relationship, how it continues til this day and the frequency with which you see each other, and still does nothing, then she has made her choice, I suppose.

 

But FA, most BSs do not. And I can't help but wonder why that is?

 

And I think it should be a huge red flag for any OW, IMHO.

 

Why doesn't he separate, blah, blah, blah. That is respectful to all, as painful as it might be.

[greengoddess]

And for the record, the concur with FA about MM telling the W about loving the OW. My xDM told his x-wife. I saw the email he sent her, and I saw the email she sent back. In her email she referenced how hard it was to hear from him that he loved him. Some MM do tell the W the truth about their feelings for the OW, but I suspect it tends to be those either in exit A's, or those who have a resentful axe to grind and want to hurt the BW.

 

but see they divorced. That's what happens when you say you love someone else. You don't say of wife I love my ow but I'll stay with you. NO the wife says hell no pack your bags she can have you if you love her and not me.

[hopeless4u]

Yep, as a fBS spouse, this about sums it up for me in a nutshell.

 

You do not believe a word the fWS tells you upon the shock and discovery of their affair.

 

Plus, in all the ensuing emotional chaos that ensues after DDAY, they often try to minimize the OW/and or the affair to preserve the marriage, their family stability, the affair or all three.

 

Hey, but if you are fine with that, then okay, protect whomever you want.

 

If my fWS thought he was NOW going to protect MY feelings by minimizing you and the affair, he was sadly mistaken.

 

The pain was caused by the deceptiveness of his actions, IMHO.

 

Continuing to lie, omit details or minimize the truth is soooooo self-serving to HIM, not the OW or the wife, no matter how he spins it to both of us.

 

He is not afraid of hurting my feelings; hell, he is not so afraid of hurting the OW's feelings.

 

He is MORE afraid of facing the painful consequences to his own actions, from both the OW and the wife.

 

Trust me on this, he counts on, no prays for that you will not return my phone call and tell me the truth.

 

The above is exactly what my xMM did.

 

He lied to his W and still is as far as I know hoping it would save her more pain and protect whatever they had left, lied to me hoping to keep me sweet so I would keep the lies going each time his W rang me.....I didn't and the first thing he did was have a go at me and blame ME for his W supposedly taking an overdose!!

[hopeless4u]

but see they divorced. That's what happens when you say you love someone else. You don't say of wife I love my ow but I'll stay with you. NO the wife says hell no pack your bags she can have you if you love her and not me.

 

Not all W's say hell no GG, my xMM's W was told by him and me that he was in love with me but he still had feelings for his W and needed to know if they could work things out without me in the picture.

 

She took an overdose and he's now going no where!

[Brokenlady]

but see they divorced. That's what happens when you say you love someone else. You don't say of wife I love my ow but I'll stay with you. NO the wife says hell no pack your bags she can have you if you love her and not me.

 

Again, I beg to differ. She (the xW) STILL wants him back after all this, as per my last conversation with her.

[pureinheart]

And for the record, the concur with FA about MM telling the W about loving the OW. My xDM told his x-wife. I saw the email he sent her, and I saw the email she sent back. In her email she referenced how hard it was to hear from him that he loved him. Some MM do tell the W the truth about their feelings for the OW, but I suspect it tends to be those either in exit A's, or those who have a resentful axe to grind and want to hurt the BW.

 

In thinking back, exDM told his exW the truth, I am sure why.

[pureinheart]

Again, I beg to differ. She (the xW) STILL wants him back after all this, as per my last conversation with her.

 

I see this senerio moreso than not...not in my case, although in people I knew.

[OWoman]

So you think most ow tell their friends they are "dating" a married man?

 

I'm not sure if it's a representative sample, but all the OWs I know IRL have done so.

[OWoman]

I have asked My Sweetheart about this, he said that he would hope that his wife would find someone who would love her and treat her kindly. He would not begrudge her that, and that it would simply make things easier if she were to fall in love elsewhere, as it would allow them to both make choices based on their emotions and not their obligations.

 

My SIL told me she knew my H's M to his xW was over early on in the A, when she (SIL) and he (my H) were sitting talking about the situation and his then-W walked up and interrupted them to tell them some story about how she and a friend had been hit on by these two younger guys when they'd been away somewhere. One guy apparently flirted outrageously with her and told her she was beautiful, pretended not to believe her when she told him how old she was, etc. My H apparently interrupted her with a big beaming smile, and asked her if she'd "had fun" with the young guy - which was not the reaction she'd wanted!

 

But his heart was elsewhere, so he was genuinely happy to think she'd found someone who was interested in her, and he WASN'T remotely jealous, despite her clearly wanting him to be. My SIL said that that incident, more than anything else, convinced her that he needed to get out of the M and follow his heart.

[Snowflower]

I asked xDM about this while he was still living with xW. He said he hoped she'd find someone else to take her off his hands so he wouldn't feel so guilty.

 

A perfect example of conflict avoidance by the MP.

 

Wow, so to alleviate HIS guilt, he hopes someone else will "take his wife off his hands" so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy and make the difficult decision himself.

 

Many MP seem to be adept at avoiding conflict--they hate to be upfront about their dissatisfaction with the marriage so they cheat instead of facing the problems head on or by getting a divorce. Then once they are in an affair, they further avoid conflict by fence-sitting and stringing along both the BS and the AP. Nice.

[OWoman]

Trust me on this, he counts on, no prays for that you will not return my phone call and tell me the truth.

 

I'm sure that's correct... but, OTOH, if you were the BW that so many MM describe to their OWs (psychotic, bigger than a sumo wrestler, completely unhinged and liable to do Terrible Things If Provoked, etc) - why would a petite, delicate little OW want to tangle with the likes of you, albeit only over the telephone? Wouldn't she far better pull up the drawbridge and prepare the vats of boiling oil to tip over the battlements when you come stomping over to eat her and her children (and their cute furry pets)?

[Fallen Angel]

I'm sure that's correct... but, OTOH, if you were the BW that so many MM describe to their OWs (psychotic, bigger than a sumo wrestler, completely unhinged and liable to do Terrible Things If Provoked, etc) - why would a petite, delicate little OW want to tangle with the likes of you, albeit only over the telephone? Wouldn't she far better pull up the drawbridge and prepare the vats of boiling oil to tip over the battlements when you come stomping over to eat her and her children (and their cute furry pets)?

 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO... awww now I need to hide my cat!!! *damnit!!!*

[Spark1111]

A perfect example of conflict avoidance by the MP.

 

Wow, so to alleviate HIS guilt, he hopes someone else will "take his wife off his hands" so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy and make the difficult decision himself.

 

Many MP seem to be adept at avoiding conflict--they hate to be upfront about their dissatisfaction with the marriage so they cheat instead of facing the problems head on or by getting a divorce. Then once they are in an affair, they further avoid conflict by fence-sitting and stringing along both the BS and the AP. Nice.

 

I agree with this!

 

My fWS had a similiar conversation with his OW.....I think it helped string her along and assuage his guilt over his deceptive actions. In fact, she tried to convince him I must have a man on the side.

 

Too bad......NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS COVERSATION!

 

And I really believe it is by design. If a man does not care that his wife is out dating.....WHY NOT TELL THE TRUTH that he is seeing an other woman.

 

But I also stand by the huge red flag for OW: A man can NEVER envision a woman he still has some feeling for in the arms of another man. Never!

 

So, does he really have all that familial obligation to the kids and the home equity?

 

Or is he trying to ensure the BS does NOT go out and find a better partner????? While he enjoys you and tells you whatever he can get you to believe about the home sitch????

[torranceshipman]

I guess you can't trust anyone can you? I hope the wife knows this woman is not trustworthy and for your sake I hope you don't trust her either.

 

Can you imagine going through the pain of betrayal and being lied to daily and then going to a friend for support and have them tell the ow? Unbelievable. Very sad.

 

To be fair on the friend in question-I don't believe that is the way it happened. I am guessing that the MM told this friend, so was just conveniently spreading the lie further. It's obvious that he doesn't want to leave his W, else he'd have taken the golden opportunity of a D Day to leave. So given that he wanted to stay he without doubt lied & lied to the W to persuade her to give him another chance...then lied in turn to Fallen Angel with an extremely implausible story about why he didn't leave his M or his family home. He's clearly a manipulator as FA talks about him with an almost reverent tone, & if she didn't have an emotional connection to him she'd be ok but as it is he is able to come out with tripe and have pretty much any woman believe it.

 

Sorry FA, this is really not a criticism

of you so i hope it doesn't come across that way (it's a criticism of the MM though).

[Fallen Angel]

To be fair on the friend in question-I don't believe that is the way it happened. I am guessing that the MM told this friend, so was just conveniently spreading the lie further. It's obvious that he doesn't want to leave his W, else he'd have taken the golden opportunity of a D Day to leave. So given that he wanted to stay he without doubt lied & lied to the W to persuade her to give him another chance...then lied in turn to Fallen Angel with an extremely implausible story about why he didn't leave his M or his family home. He's clearly a manipulator as FA talks about him with an almost reverent tone, & if she didn't have an emotional connection to him she'd be ok but as it is he is able to come out with tripe and have pretty much any woman believe it.

 

Sorry FA, this is really not a criticism

of you so i hope it doesn't come across that way (it's a criticism of the MM though).

 

Well, you are entitled to believe what ever you want to believe, but I was told by a third party that the information came from his wife. This third party has no reason to lie to me, as it gains her nothing to do so.

 

As to his "extremely implausible story about why he didn't leave his M or his family home" I am curious as to what you believe this "story" to be....

 

I speak of him with reverence... hmm.. *shrug* is that not how someone should speak about someone they are in love with? With respect and tenderness?

 

As to me being "ok" if I had no "emotional connection" to him, I would not be in a relationship with him were there no emotional connection.

[Brokenlady]

And I really believe it is by design. If a man does not care that his wife is out dating.....WHY NOT TELL THE TRUTH that he is seeing an other woman.

 

Well, in his case, it was because he was supposedly afraid she'd divorce him ad take the kids off to another state. And, he didn't want to hurt her (ignorance is bliss, you know). He did eventually cop to it, after getting caught. But he continued to lie and minimize my presence in his life when talking to her to "spare her feelings" (cause apparently mine didn't matter much.)

 

But I also stand by the huge red flag for OW: A man can NEVER envision a woman he still has some feeling for in the arms of another man. Never!

 

Well since in my scenario I feel 100% confident that he had/has no problems with the idea of his xW with another man, does that mean I should believe him when he said he's really "done" with the M now?

 

According to him, he's still insisten on spending some time in the former marital home because his "ego" is having a hard time letting go. It was pretty swank, but I guess I care less about these things.

 

I just don't know if the standard of whether or not the MM can deal with his W being with another is the gold standard of "done-ness".

[MizzBlue72]

Thanks for all the replies. I wondered what everyone's opinions were.

I guess I agree - why would the W believe the MM when he lied to begin with?

Now it makes more sense to me why the W would want to hear it from the OW.

At first, I was thinking that it was just to kill the OW (which - yeah, W would have the right to be extremely angry - I do get that).

 

In my case, I tell my friends now that I am seeing the MM. He is now separated and filed for D. Some of my friends don't talk to me anymore - and I respect them for that. They have values, probably more than I have since I am dating a MM. But my good friends do still love me and I don't have to lie to them.

 

MM doesn't have to lie to his STBXW either. Granted - I really did not want him to D. Why? I didn't want him and his W to go through a D. Now they both can move on and find themselves.

[greengoddess]

So why is it that the ow believe everything the mm says?