Town Player is "friends" with my fiance

[inde]

I need some advice on how to handle this one. I am getting married for the second time this year. I just proposed to a wonderful girl this past week and she said yes!! I am so happy.

 

Here's the dilema. We had a wonderful week practically never leaving each other's side. Tonight as I was getting ready to leave and she received a phone call from someone and played the message on the speaker phone. It was from a man who is the town cad. He is a serial player who will get into a girls pants if she lets him. His message was "Hi sweetie, Watching the game and thought of you. We havent' talked in awhile, hope you are well. Love you" This man broke up the marriage of my ex brother in law by sleeping with his wife and I know of many other instances where he has defiled woman in marriages and relationships. He looks for a weakness and then exploits it It takes two to tango but he is a common ingredient in many a ruined relationships.

 

After hearing the message I went to a dark place. This was a huge trigger for me. My last marriage ended because I found out my ex was cheating on me regularly with friends and coworkers of hers. My fiance sensed my unease and said what's wrong and I told her. I said " I don't like him calling you and I don't trust him", I continued that I will not be disrespected again by any man who is hoping to get with you, it is disrespectul to you, me and our relationship and I wont play the fool" , "If you want to talk with him that is her choice but I won't sit around and listen or be part of it because it is not something I think is okay" She was upset by my words and told me that I was scaring her and that they have been just friends for a long time. She said I have nothing to worry about and that yes he wants to have sex with alot of woman but she would never let him do that. She loves me and that is that. She said she would tell him that he should not speak or call her anymore but that she would be a little sad since he has been her friend. I deferred my unease and told her it was for her to decide but I was not comfortable with him hanging around and that I would never be a friend of his but if she choose to she should do it with knowing my discomfort. We made up but my mind is aflutter with angst about this.

 

I am uncomfortable completely with this but don't want to be controlling. Infidelity is rampant in this world and I don't want to be burned again by someone who doesn't see things the same way as I do. I trust her and believe her but feel damned uneasy.

 

I need advice on how to proceed?

 

Thanks

[Sazerac]

This sounds like bad news in a bucket. No way should your fiancee be in contact with this person, and she is disrespecting you by not honoring your wishes for her to not be in contact with him. You are not being controlling by expressing your well-founded unease in her friendship with this person.

 

In your case, monitoring the situation between her and the player would be prudent. You have stated your position to her, so she well knows how you feel about it. Continuing to insist that she break off contact might drive the "friendship" underground, so I'd just be vigilant for any peculiar behavior on her part.

 

You may, however, explain to her that trust is all-important to a relationship and that both of you need to do whatever you can to maintain and continue to build that trust. This other relationship is one that is going to erode that trust. If the shoe were on the other foot, and there was an extremely sexy woman with questionable intentions texting you and leaving ambiguous comments on your cell phone, do you think your fiancee would be comfortable with it? I sincerely doubt it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[JustLooking123]

Are you certain that they haven't already slept together? The way he talks to her sounds pretty intimate.

[carhill]

I need advice on how to proceed?

 

Oh, indeed...

 

Invite him over for dinner

[inde]

Thanks for the reply. She has offered to break off contact. I said I will not let that be my decision. The root of it is for me is that he used the term "sweetie" and "i love you". I told her that may have been fine when you were single but I am not comfortable with this or any other man saying "I love you " to you unless it is your dad or brothers. She understands and I'll see what happens.