How do I learn to trust my boyfriend who deserves to be trusted?

[Al]

How do I learn to trust my boyfriend??? The easiest way to start my story is this: I dated a guy for 5 years and just like that he decided that he wanted to find out if I was "the one" which meant dating other people. My heart was crushed and I never thought I'd be in another relationship again.

 

Two years later, I ran into an old friend and we started dating. This guy has wanted to date my forever but like I said I was in a 5 year relationship. Anyways, this guy is great but we've had are ups and downs. So far in the year and a half that we've been together we've dealt with the fact that he has a child with another woman, someone was sending me email messages that he cheated on me and that she was pregnant with his 2nd child (nothing ever came of that) and then lately I found phone calls to and from an exgirlfriend of his. Now the child was with a girl he dated before me so it really had nothing to do with our relationship, the emails began to not add up so I believe they are not true and there has been no evidence of a 2nd child and this ex-girlfriend was a good friend of his and gets along with all his guy friends. So in theory, I should have no reason not to trust or second guess my boyfriend.

 

But I do. I always worry when he's not with me or wonder where he is when I can't get a hold of him. I'm always thinking the worst. Like when I saw that he'd talked with his ex, I assumed that he was cheating on me. Although I know that he loves me and actually wants to marry me someday. I don't know why I think so negative all the time but I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt again.

 

How do I learn to trust this guy? He has done nothing but great things for me including teaching me that I can love again and I have no reason not to trust him. But my insecurity has become a major factor in our relationship and frankly I think he is getting sick of justifying himself to me over and over again. I don't know how to stop thinking negatively all the time. Any suggestions?

[SoleMate]

Something in this story does not add up. The previous child is a known factor, but the rest is all anonymous tipoffs? Well, either there is fire behind this smoke, OR there is someone who hates you or your bf so much that they would spread false stories. I would suggest, for your own peace of mind, that you explore with him fully the emails, taking it as a given that they are false rumors, and asking him who could be doing this to the two of you. If he's gung ho to open up his cell phone, etc. for your perusal so you can put your mind at rest, then you're probably OK. But if he is reluctant to let you look into this matter seriously, then I would suspect more truth than not in the stories you have been told.

 

Whatever happens, you cannot continue to live with the rumor mill without taking action.

 

Good luck!

[moimeme]

I second that. Show him the emails and tell him about the calls - then you'll know for sure if you can trust him.

[Al]

My boyfriend does know about the emails and denies them. So it's his word against whoever is sending the emails. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt on that. I confronted him about the calls and he denies that there is anything going on. So now I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt on that too. But how many times can you give a person the benefit of the doubt on things before you really start to let your mind get carried away with the "maybe's" and "what if's." He says the emails aren't true and he says that I shouldn't be worried that his ex was on his cell phone, but how could I prove him wrong anyways? I have no way of doing that. So now what do I do? Just sit back and hope that he's telling the truth? Like I said, I really have no reason not to believe him b/c he's never lied to me before about anything (at least not that I am aware of). But he does have a past of being a player and a sweet talker. He says he loves me very much, etc., etc. but I just can't get out of the back of my head that he does have the capability of talking me in circles and I'd never know what hit me. Why do I think so negatively all the time? I don't know. But how do I stop?

[locogurl]

What does you heart tell you?

 

Every time I was lied to by my DH, I could tell some place deep inside that he was lying. He'd talk to me until I agreed to believe lies. He is very good at talking about things in a way that you think that maybe he's telling you the truth and you are the crazy one... Later I would find out that I had just bought a load of crap. I knew the truth all along, I just didn't want to believe it.

 

Just in general - I have noticed that if I am talking myself into believing another persons story then I am probably being lied to.

 

Another thing to watch for is how often does he lie for you to others or how often does he lie to other people in his life. If it's alot, then you are probably being lied to and about.

 

You could probably find articles on the internet about how to tell if someone is lieing. What kind of body language is he using when you discuss these issues will tell you if he's telling the truth.

 

I think you should listen to your gut feelings and trust your instincts. Do what you feel is the right thing. Trust yourself, especially if you feel that you can't trust others around you.

 

However, if you feel completely unsure ask someone older than you to think about it with you. Like your Mother or an Aunt... Their years of experience will give you new insight that might help you to see things more clearly.