k2pkzd Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 This is hard for me to phrase, and hard for think about... so try to stay with me. I put this in the way that I did because I felt it was the easiest way for others to comprehend, and the best way to show my thoughts. Me- 19, male, low expierence with girls at "higher" levels, had many 2 week or less flings that usually led to not talking to the other person after Her- 19, female, two relationships that lasted around a year or more, ended in heartbreak (first one break up over AIM, second was death 1/2 a year ago) Story- My freshman year I saw her, and she was stunning physically. I became freinds with her sophmore year, talked to her and started to become friends. Junior year talked more and more and hung out more frequenlty, mainly in larger groups. Senor year she got the boyfriend that died and started to distance herself from everyone. He died, and she started to come back to her friends more and more. Recently I have been thinking that she fits as a person that I can see myself with for a long-term relationship. I don't want to make things odd between us if she says no, or if it doesn't work out. But I also don't know if it is soceity telling me that a long-term relationship is due right now between us or if it is something more. To sum it up: I don't want to miss what could be the one that got away, but I also don't want to lose a growing friendship. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Tread slowly and carefully. She's obviously been through a lot. Try and be as open and honest with her about your feelings as you can, without coming on too strong or scaring her off, or ruining the friendship if it turns out friendship is all she wants. Don't rush anything, just take little steps forward and when the situation seems right gently see if she may want something more with you than just friendship. She is probably still pretty vulnerable too. If she doesn't, then you can be friends, and if she does, then just go slow and give her time. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 The first thing you have to do before you get into any relationship with any girl in the future (her or anyone else) is to think about why your previous relationships weren't successful. What did you do wrong? As a general rule, take relationship development slowly, and think of it as a series of steps that you take together. Think of it as a dance. You have to have a partner who dances to the same rhythm. You can't be a breakdancer and expect to be compatible with a waltzer. You've got to treat this woman with extra care because (1) you're friends; (2) she's probably carrying around even more emotional baggage than you are right now (for different reasons). Now, before you even get started with this girl, in your mind, you should prepare yourself for the fact that she may only like you as a friend, and you've got to be cool with that before you get started. Sure you'd like to win her over, but if you don't, try to be cool with it and blow it off as if nothing happened. In other words, try not to fantasize about it too much. Be confident, but don't assume. Easier said than done, I know. Once you've prepared yourself for this, then go for it, but slowly. Step one: get her phone number if you don't already have it. And just be straight up with her and tell her you'd like to take her out to coffee sometime. Start out with a coffee date. Got a Starbucks or Seattle's Best nearby? Take her there for an afternoon, maybe two hours max. The only thing I'm not sure about here is whether you should be the one to end the "date" Ladies??? Studs??? What do you think? Does he end it or she? Usually I kinda let her wind it down, but I don't know if there's a rule on this. Anyhoo, you should be able to get a feel for how things go on the coffee date, but don't forget why you're there in the first place: you're there to raise her interest in you. Keep the conversation light and interesting. Stay away from depressing stuff (like your failures in past relationships and her ex's death). If she talks about it, obviously show her the sensitivity it requires by listening, try not to let it drag on too long, and then see if you can't switch the subject to something lighter somehow. What you want to do on this coffee date is to plant the seed in her mind so that she can begin to see that you might be more than just a friend. If you feel good about things at the end of the coffee date, then suggest dinner at another time. General rule 1: Whatever you do, don't look like you're desperate. After you've first suggested it, I'd wait 5-7 days before actually calling her to set up the coffee date (which should be several days after that). If it goes that far, I'd suggest waiting another 5-7 days before calling her to set up the dinner date. General rule 2: be interesting, creative and all that. Don't just take her to dinner and a movie (any clown can do that) Be different. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author k2pkzd Posted January 13, 2004 Author Share Posted January 13, 2004 My past relationships ended because I would go out with the girl in a way to express interest before I knew her, and would be soon to find out what kind of person they were. It was either that or they would be the break-dancer and I would just be in for the waltz (if I read your metaphor correctly) Yeah, I have done solo long trips with her, been to coffee places, and just got back from the movies. She acts a bit flirty with all guys she is friends with, and to her friends she has known for many years, is pretty open. The idea of something unique is gold though, just need to think of something great. Still thanks for the advice so far, and feel welcome to more. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 >>>My past relationships ended because I would go out with the girl in a way to express interest before I knew her, and would be soon to find out what kind of person they were.<<< Again, that's a bit too vague - I really don't know what to make of that statement. If you don't mind my asking, could you provide me with some examples? >>>Yeah, I have done solo long trips with her, been to coffee places, and just got back from the movies. She acts a bit flirty with all guys she is friends with, and to her friends she has known for many years, is pretty open. The idea of something unique is gold though, just need to think of something great. Still thanks for the advice so far, and feel welcome to more.<<< Hmmmm...okay, so you've already done this kind of "pal-ing" around. As a general rule, you have to be careful about being friends with someone before striking up a romantic interest with them. That doesn't mean that friends don't eventually become lovers (there are many cases that prove it can happen, in fact). More often than not, though, the romance usually starts very early in the relationship. I think the wise thing for you to do is to wait to see if she doesn't give you some cues first. By cues I mean things like touching you - like, touching you a lot. Does she touch you? Does she occasionally suggest romantic endeavors in the future? Does she talk about what a great father you'd be? I mean, those are some pretty strong indications, and if she has said or done more than one of the above, you might just want to take a chance and go for it when the opportunity presents itself. But again, be careful how you do it. Be confident on the one hand while realistic on the other. If she rejects you, then quickly reassure her that you'll be cool with being friends (i.e. "Oh well...I just thought it would be nice and I thought I'd ask, but I'm cool with being friends"). As for when to do it, that's a tough one. If you think you've read her signals right, then maybe you should just pick a time when you and she are alone together. Maybe you could walk her to the door and lean over toward her and see what happens...if the situation presents itself. I don't know - the friends/dating thing has always been tricky for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author k2pkzd Posted January 13, 2004 Author Share Posted January 13, 2004 One girl after the second date, and like third time ever being with her, called me up at 2am willing to put out. I didn't, and a few days later she said "lets just be friends, I'll call you". Needless to say, she never called and never cared to be friends after. Another time, I met a girl through a friend. This friend lives about four hours away, and the girl and him had a fling before he moved. She always wanted to go up to his house, and wanted me to drive her... but I did not want to drive four hours so I could unite people just to get down. She started to express some intrest in me, so we went on a few dates. After three dates I found out that the only reason she was doing this was so I could drive her to my friends house for the reason stated above. And, yeah, that "friend-zone" thing is the part that I am worried about mainly. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Sometimes you have to go through several women before you find one that's worth keeping around for a while. Sometimes you have to go through quite a few women, in fact. Don't let those things discourage you. Whether you date one, two, or ten girls before you find your next girlfriend, just keep being positive and don't look at these things as being too negative. Unfortunately, you're going to run into women who are full of s*** sometimes. You just have to be on guard and recognize it early, and to your credit, I think you have. Just keep dating. If that's what happened, I don't see it as anything other than bad luck. You just didn't find the right woman. Maybe you will this time. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
advicegirl Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I think you should just take it slow. Maybe you could some how talk to her and see if she wants to be more then friends. advicegirl Link to post Share on other sites
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