Advice on parent

[jtb]

Just browsing web looking for advice! My Mom is 71 and just diagnosed with bladder cancer,just had the scope done, left hosp. 3 days ago and came to my house instead of her own,(she was told she couldgo to her own house with no problems) with out really asking just assuming as usual. Any way to make a long story short any advice on how to handle a parent that is beligerant, and set in their ways? It has never been a huggy close relationship but cordial. She wants to be in the living room not a bedroom on the couch all day and our lives need to come to a halt. It's not that I don't love my mother it's just I feel major guilt about feeling aggravated at her. And she is NOT the type of person you can tell it like it is cause then you get the cold shoulder and the guilt trip from her. So I Know in 2 weeks when she has the big surgery (she has already beed told she should not need to come here because she will be in hosp. long enough to be feeling fine) she will be here for God knows how long. She had to stay here once before for 2 weeks and turned into 7! Thank God I married a saintly man. Anyway I feel better just venting to someone other that my husband. Thanks

[Vanetia]

ouch. Big props to your hubby AND you for being able to put up with her visit without doing something drastic

 

My guess is the reason she's staying with you during this time is she's feeling afraid. I know I'd be clinging to people if I were going in for any kind of surgery.

 

I don't really know how you'd be able to get her out without telling her flat out. And since she'll guilt trip you that's not something you'd want to go though, I'm sure. Although, honestly, if I get guilt tripped it just makes me more set on my decision. "You wanna guilt trip me? hahaha..get the heck out."

 

but that's me

[Cariel]

Rewind 7 years and you have the beginning of my life since then. My mother became seriously disabled and after having her back and forth I don't know how many times, I caved and let her and my father move in with me since I have a ranch house and she could no longer climb stairs and etc. OK, I was also sick of working full-time, raising a child alone and running two households.

 

Worst mistake I ever made. It took me about 6 months to realize that she had intended to have me take care of her for the rest of her life from the minute she got sick. Dad wasn't (and still isn't) any help - that's "women's business" as far as he's concerned. To top it off, as soon as they moved in she started behaving is if it was HER house and I was about 12 years old again. And Dad backed her right up.

 

After a year, I went to a psychiatrist and ended up on antidepressants (which I am sure saved my life). Then I went to work on my emotional self, still a "work in progress". She continues to try to guilt me out on a daily basis, but I've learned to deal with that...simply saying, "Mom, we are NOT having this discussion!" and leaving the room actually works! However, I am now preparing to sell my house to my parents and move because I seriously can't take it anymore. This alternately infuriates and crushes me, because I love my home but I've come to realize it's the only solution.

 

I'm sure you love your Mom, but think really seriously about this. I'm sure there are some families where generations can live together without stress, but mine isn't one of them and it sounds to me like you'll end up with the same mess. The best thing to do is to decide exactly how long she'll be allowed to stay, make sure she knows you mean it, and then stick to it no matter how she behaves. You may have married a saintly man, but a rigid elderly parent messing with your head may turn him into a demon faster than you can imagine.

 

Good luck.