Inviting "dates" to the wedding

[Lauriebell82]

What is everyone's opinion on this? I know etiquette says that you should invite a date for people that are in relationships. But what qualifies as that? What if they are only dating for like a few months? Considering our venue costs $100 a head, I'm hesistant to have all our singles friend's bring dates.

 

Would you be annoyed if you were invited to a wedding without a date?

[Star Gazer]

Over the weekend, I learned the cost of an uncoming wedding. What I had estimated to be in the $40-50K range is actually going to exceed $100K at the end of the day. It literally made me have heart palpitations.

 

Prior to hearing that, I would have said that when inviting guests, you really ought to invite their dates as well. I mean, that's the courteous thing to do, right?

 

Well, forget that!

 

Now, after pondering how much a wedding really costs, if I were in your shoes, I would pay for the date of my guest under the following circumtances only:

 

1. The guest and his/her date are in a serious, long-term relationship, regardless of whether I or my fiance had ever met the date.

2. The guest and his/her date have been dating for a while ("a while" being relative), and either I or my fiance have met the person.

3. Without a date, the guest wouldn't really know anyone at the wedding to socialize with. The "stray" friend, so to speak.

 

If they didn't fall into one of the above categories, if in your shoes, I would reason that the date wasn't "important enough" for MY special day to spend future mortgage money on.

 

Keep in mind that the head-cost of each guest/date typically doesn't include the costs for extra tables and centerpieces... so the more guests you can cut, the more you'll save beyond just head-count cost.

[threebyfate]

This is where practicality and etiquette clash. The reason why people are allowed to bring a friend or date to a wedding, is that not everyone knows each other, so it's possible that some guests are left sitting alone and bored, through the entire reception. And no one wants to put a friend through this kind of ordeal, if it's unnecessary, since most brides and grooms care about their guests and want them to have a reasonably good time.

 

It's best to weigh which is more meaningful to you.

[2sure]

Tough one. Its the kind of situation where you have to count on your guests to use appropriate discretion and good taste.

 

The general rule of thumb when issuing invitations to a private function is that the host should address the invite to whom it is being sent..by NAME. The idea being that to actually write: and "guest" is tacky. One is expected to know or find out ahead of time the name of someone's significant other and that if you do not know them well enough to have this info...then you might want to reconsider inviting them to a personal event.

 

Now, we all know that in the case of large functions which include extended family and social circles...this just is not always possible. I mean, someone may have gotten married and you might not know...so we have come to the unfortunate use of "and Guest" . Thats where the tricky part comes in.

 

If one receives and invitation marked "and Guest" the polite thing to do is assume the host was not sure if you HAD a significant other and wanted to be sure that if you did..they were eager to meet him/her. If the person you are inviting has no SO that normally accompanies them to important family events...then they should not bring ANYONE. Not a date, not a friend, not a sister.

 

But they just dont get it.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks guys. Our venue doesn't charge extra for tables, the rentals are included in the price. We would need to add an extra centerpiece but we got an excellent deal on our centerpeices ($12 each!) so adding another one wouldn't break the bank.

 

The dilemma really is whether to invite dates for guests that I know aren't dating anyone and coming from out of town. A lot of these people know other people at the wedding therefore they wont feel out of place. I'm worried that people will feel bad or we will get people ADDING guests to their reply card (even though it is addressed to only them). My best friend had this happen and she said it was ackward to call people and tell them they couldn't bring guests.

[gracielou]

my fiance and I have a small venue, so I have let my friends know ahead of time that due to the restrictions on the amount of people we can comfortably fit in the place that we will not be inviting their bf/gf. We both feel it is unfair to cram people into a small space. I didn't feel that bad about that due to the fact that the majority of my friends are not in long term relationships, and it is an intimate gathering. Also I have politely let them know well in advance of the wedding (our wedding is in august),that we are keeping this a small and intimate affair. (ok we have a headcount of 100 adults, so kind of small)

 

He has a really big family (about 40people) and I have a lot of friends, plus my moms guest list to accommodate in my invites. Which means we cannot accommodate everyone, so I tried to make sure that inviting friends that there is someone else on the list that they know, so that they won't be sitting alone at the reception.

 

~shrug~ i guess we shall see how it goes once the invites go out and responses come back...

[2sure]

After posting on this thread, I was talking to a friend about the same subject last night and realized there is something important to add.

 

First, no one should assume they may feel awkward attending any private event solo. This is because the onus is on the host to make sure you enjoy yourself.

 

Think of it this way, a wedding or any such event is an excellent way for solo people to meet new people, network, be introduced to potential dates. A thoughtful and gracious hostess will keep this is mind when arranging the seating chart.

[linwood]

If you have to worry about the expense of your wedding you can`t afford the wedding.

 

Why have a reception at $100 a head?

[2sure]

If you have to worry about the expense of your wedding you can`t afford the wedding.

 

Why have a reception at $100 a head?

 

Even the very rich set budget amounts for events. Planning and budgeting is not necessarily "worrying", its just normal .

 

It is not difficult at all to reach and pass the cost of 100/head. Of course, one could also spend 20/head...neither is wrong or particularly puzzling.

[linwood]

 

It is not difficult at all to reach and pass the cost of 100/head. Of course, one could also spend 20/head...neither is wrong or particularly puzzling.

 

I never said they were wrong or puzzling.

 

It does seem however to be a problem in this particular instance as traditionally a wedding is not something a person attends solo.

 

Essentially forcing certain guests to attend solo on nothing more than your opinion of their relationship status is indeed in poor taste.

 

If I were to find myself in this situation I would simply downgrade my reception as it seems the more equitable measure to take.

[Leia]

This is the reason why I'm not going to have a huge, lavish wedding. I don't care what my parents say

 

Traditionally in our culture, invites are for two but we have witnessed people coming on their own without partners and met new people at the weddings. Happened at both my bro's and sister's wedding.

 

I don't think I can ever say no to my friends for wanting to bring their spouse/bf/gf.

[Lauriebell82]

I never said they were wrong or puzzling.

 

It does seem however to be a problem in this particular instance as traditionally a wedding is not something a person attends solo.

 

Essentially forcing certain guests to attend solo on nothing more than your opinion of their relationship status is indeed in poor taste.

 

If I were to find myself in this situation I would simply downgrade my reception as it seems the more equitable measure to take.

 

Actually, many people DO attend weddings solo..mainly to meet other single people. I have been to many a wedding where people CHOSE not to bring dates even though they were given the option too. I'm not forcing anyone to not bring a date.

 

Too late to "downgrade" the reception as the deposit is already put down. My parents are actually paying for most of it, they gave us a guest list limit and we are responsible for going over. So "friend and guest" can make all the difference in the world.

 

Weddings are expensive as heck, everything adds up faster then you can even imagine. So unless you are massively rich (which my parents and my fiance and I are not) then you have to try to cut corners somewhere.

[make me believe]

This can be a difficult situation! I attended a wedding this weekend and felt a little strange bringing my bf (even though the invitation was addressed to me + guest, though I agree with 2sure that writing "and guest" is tacky) because neither the bride or groom had ever met him. But we are in a serious relationship & he regularly attends functions like this with me, so I brought him. My close friend, on the other hand, does not have an SO and chose to attend alone rather than bring a random guest the couple had never met.

 

The dilemma really is whether to invite dates for guests that I know aren't dating anyone and coming from out of town. A lot of these people know other people at the wedding therefore they wont feel out of place.

 

I wouldn't invite dates for these guests. I agree with Star's restrictions for dates. You don't need a stranger at your wedding who isn't connected to you or any of your guests via an intimate/long-term relationship.

[amymarieca]

Yes, it is offensive to tell a single person they cannot bring a date. Picture it from the guest's point of view, they are invited to a wedding, spend good money on gifts for the bridal shower and wedding, and they are not even allowed to bring a date/friend? You should show more appreciation to people who help make your big day special. I personally would not go to a wedding where I was not allowed to bring a guest!

[Jilly Bean]

Very tacky to tell single people they can't bring a date if they've only been dating a few months. Rude, too.

 

I wouldn't be offended, just would think it was going to be a cheese whiz type of wedding, and would feel that if money was so CLEARLY tight, I probably wouldn't bother to attend.

 

That being said, when I bring a date to a wedding, whether he's serious or casual, I make sure my (cash) gift covers at LEAST the cost of our meals.

[Lauriebell82]

Very tacky to tell single people they can't bring a date if they've only been dating a few months. Rude, too.

 

I wouldn't be offended, just would think it was going to be a cheese whiz type of wedding, and would feel that if money was so CLEARLY tight, I probably wouldn't bother to attend.

 

That being said, when I bring a date to a wedding, whether he's serious or casual, I make sure my (cash) gift covers at LEAST the cost of our meals.

 

Our wedding is DEFINATELY not a cheeze wiz wedding. The food/drink/hall costs a fortune. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a guest list limit. This isn't a platinum wedding!

 

A lot of fiance's college friends have SO but we don't know them because they haven't been together for that long. We don't know their names even. And a bunch of them all know each other so it's not like they would feel ackward.

 

It's over $100 a person at the venue, if we invited a date for every single person we would be spending an extra $1000 at least.

 

I really do see your point, but there has got to be a limit somewhere!!!

[Crazy Magnet]

This is the time when you need to have your fiance call up his buddies and ask how serious they are with their SO's. My BF and I have only been together "a few months" but we've gotten to the point where we have set a date to earnestly sit down and talk about moving in together when my lease is up. People can get very serious in a few months. If I were invited to a wedding that my BF was not invited to at this point, I wouldn't bother going to the wedding without him. I can imagine he would do the same.

 

We would both be offended if any of our friends were so thoughtless as to not allow us to bring each other.

 

But, there are relationships that have gone on "only a few months" where there is no real commitment and its not serious, so I don't think leaving these types of SO's off the guest list is a big deal.

 

Call and ask and avoid pissing anybody off.

[melodymatters]

I understand your problem LB, I really do, but this is almost going to have to be done on a case by case basis.

 

If I lived in the same town as your wedding, and we were good friends and you confided in me that you were worried about $$$, I would be ok coming alone.

 

However if I am expected to drive to a different town, and get myself a hotel, I would HOPE you would let me bring a date to help me do the driving and defray the costs of the hotel room.

 

otherwise, I prob wouldn't come ; I detest driving !!!

 

Plus remember : weddings are romantic occasions ! I'm supposed to watch all your coupled happiness and then go back to my hotel alone ???? Not cool !

[Star Gazer]

We would both be offended if any of our friends were so thoughtless as to not allow us to bring each other.

 

Honestly, I would be too.

 

LB, I didn't realize the people in question involve your BF's college buddies. I'm assuming he's good friends with them, not that they're distant cousins he's obligated to invite. In that instance, I really think you should do as CM suggested and make some calls...

[make me believe]

I dunno, I'm in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend but if a friend who has never even met him was getting married, I wouldn't be offended if he wasn't invited. I would assume it was due to budget concerns, which is completely understandable. Plus, it's THEIR wedding, why is it wrong if they don't want complete strangers there?

[Crazy Magnet]

I dunno, I'm in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend but if a friend who has never even met him was getting married, I wouldn't be offended if he wasn't invited. I would assume it was due to budget concerns, which is completely understandable. Plus, it's THEIR wedding, why is it wrong if they don't want complete strangers there?

 

My BF and I think of ourselves as a package deal now, much like a married couple. Invite one of us, invite both of us. You wouldn't invite one spouse and not the other because you haven't met the spouse.

 

As someone else mentioned, if the wedding is out of town, there are all sorts of travel and hotel costs involved. And like that poster said, who wants to go to a romantic event to go back to a hotel room alone and missing your SO? Or who wants to drive/fly all that way alone. Boring. I wouldn't do it personally.

 

It is the job of the hosts to ensure their guest have the best time possible. If that means for some, bringing a SO of a few months, then that is what is to be done. Yes the wedding day is the couples "day" but they are hosting the event, so it's not all about them, it's about making sure their guests stay happy too. Otherwise people will get pissed off and its not worth the drama or the fall out after the wedding is over. I've seen a lot of friendships go on the rocks over stuff like this and it's NOT worth it.

 

The wedding sounds like a smaller more intimate affair. The friends that are invited should be close enough to have a "it's going to cost lots of $$ to bring along a date, is your SO someone you want to bring" type conversations.

 

My BF is in a wedding in June. Although I have met the bride, it was never a question of whether or not I was invited, it was understood that I was coming along to everything as his date. Other people in his group of friends who are not in any relationship now, however, aren't bringing dates to cut down on costs. It was a group discussion and everybody agreed to the outcome (meaning the couple and the friends). Nobody has hurt feelings over the whole thing and it was relatively quick and painless.

 

Is a group discussion possible?

[stace79]

My opinion is that if you are inviting me to spend time at your wedding and bring you a gift, that it should be up to my discretion if I bring a date or not.

 

I agree with the person who said it's tacky that you would base invitations on your opinion of everyone's relationship status. You can't presume to know how serious people are.

 

I have never been invited to a wedding where I wasn't given the option of bringing a date. The only time there was an issue was when my fiance and I had broken up briefly during the time my friend sent out invites. But when we reconciled, my friend was totally understanding.

 

The other few times, I wasn't dating anyone seriously enough to bring them.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with the person who said it's tacky that you would base invitations on your opinion of everyone's relationship status.

 

No one said that.

[Jilly Bean]

The friends that are invited should be close enough to have a "it's going to cost lots of $$ to bring along a date, is your SO someone you want to bring" type conversations.

 

And while you're at it, also ask people if their date is attractive enough to be in any photos (maybe you can get pics in advance, just to be sure, and also, it may help you decide where to seat them), or how much they plan on drinking (I assume it's a cash bar, so you would certainly want to limit the heavy drinkers with drink tickets, or, just exclude them outright from being allowed to attend), and if they could carpool to cut down on valet charges. Also, if they still insist that bringing a date is essential, because they have passed the "how serious are you?" test, then just ask them outright to pay the additional $100, or find out what they bought off the registry, and then you can deem them worthy of a date or not.

 

Sorry, LB. But if I was told I couldn't bring a date because we were only dating a few months, I would assume "cheese whiz" wedding, and wouldn't bother to attend. It smacks of cheap. And I don't care if you're spending $100 a head, $10 a head, or $1,000 a head. The message it sends is that you care more about money, than you do in having your friends, and their friends/SO's, attend your special day.

[melodymatters]

No one said that.

 

 

Mmmmmm, well it was implied and IMO, with good reason.

 

 

The more I think on this, the more I agree with Jilly ( and myself )

 

If you can't afford it, cut the list, DON"T ask people to designate their weekend and checkbook without giving them the option to enjoy and feel comfortable themselves as well.

 

Solution : invite less people, or cut expenses per head, it ain't a perfect world.