Inviting "dates" to the wedding

[Lauriebell82]

No one said that.

 

Yeah, Jilly Bean did. And I disagreed.

 

 

And while you're at it, also ask people if their date is attractive enough to be in any photos (maybe you can get pics in advance, just to be sure, and also, it may help you decide where to seat them), or how much they plan on drinking (I assume it's a cash bar, so you would certainly want to limit the heavy drinkers with drink tickets, or, just exclude them outright from being allowed to attend), and if they could carpool to cut down on valet charges. Also, if they still insist that bringing a date is essential, because they have passed the "how serious are you?" test, then just ask them outright to pay the additional $100, or find out what they bought off the registry, and then you can deem them worthy of a date or not.

 

Oh, come on seriously. Sheesh. Your sarcasm is not helpful.

 

Sorry, LB. But if I was told I couldn't bring a date because we were only dating a few months, I would assume "cheese whiz" wedding, and wouldn't bother to attend. It smacks of cheap. And I don't care if you're spending $100 a head, $10 a head, or $1,000 a head. The message it sends is that you care more about money, than you do in having your friends, and their friends/SO's, attend your special day.

 

I'm not discriminating against people who have "only been dating a few months." There are some single people who aren't dating anyone as well. It's easy for you to judge because you aren't in the position.

[Jilly Bean]

It's easy for you to judge because you aren't in the position.

 

And I wouldn't put myself in such a position, either.

 

If you're on such a tight budget, then you should have cut back on flowers, or linens, the band, or the wedding favors. Something that is non-impactful to the guest. But, qualifying someone's "plus one" is pretty classless, IMO. I can't even imagine what that phone call would be like.

 

If it's not a cheese whiz wedding, then stop making it into one. Cut expenses anywhere but in the guest list, and certainly not by asking people to qualify the depth of their relationship with a proposed date.

[Star Gazer]

The message it sends is that you care more about money, than you do in having your friends, and their friends/SO's, attend your special day.

 

I think you're missing the key word though, JB. It's LB's special day, not her guests'.

 

I do see both sides to the equation, though. But then again, I plan on having a small, intimate wedding where the dates of my guests will be just as important as the guest him/herself.

 

LB, how many people are you having at your wedding (as in, what's your limit)?

[Star Gazer]

I'm thinking the bigger the wedding, the more "obligated" (for lack of a better word) you are to invite the dates as well.

 

If small and really intimate, one would think guests would understand. And by small I mean no more than 75-100 total guests, including bridal party.

 

Thing is, for the bride and groom on a budget, inviting dates means having a stranger at a very personal event. That stranger is quite literally taking the place of someone they do know and would want there, but cannot afford their date too.

Edited April 12, 2010 by Star Gazer

[Lauriebell82]

I think you're missing the key word though, JB. It's LB's special day, not her guests'.

 

I do see both sides to the equation, though. But then again, I plan on having a small, intimate wedding where the dates of my guests will be just as important as the guest him/herself.

 

LB, how many people are you having at your wedding (as in, what's your limit)?

 

160 is the limit. The reception hall has a minimum amount of money you have to spend to have it there, which corresponds to the guest limit.

 

I see both sides as well. We do plan on having people bring guests who are coming from out of town. We are just unsure about the people who know each other and live in our city and they are either single or just dating someone for a brief time that we don't know.

 

We may be able to invite guests for these people if other's say they can't come but we aren't sure what to do about it.

[Jilly Bean]

I think you're missing the key word though, JB. It's LB's special day, not her guests'.

 

I'm not missing a thing. So, because it's her wedding, that includes a level of entitlement to ignore common good manners, breeding and etiquette and invite people and allow them to bring a date of their choosing? I don't think so...

 

But, I guess it's situations like these that create the "Bridezilla" TV show.

 

Certainly she can personally call her fiance's friends, pry into the nature of their current relationships and the seriousness/long-term potential, and then let them know if they've made the cut or not. I suppose she could also call all the relatives and see how solid their marriages are, because I guess if they are close to separation or divorce, and won't continue to be part of the family, they should be excluded as well.

 

Yep, a wedding should be designed by the couple, but I don't think that precludes proper etiquette or decorum.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm not missing a thing. So, because it's her wedding, that includes a level of entitlement to ignore common good manners, breeding and etiquette and invite people and allow them to bring a date of their choosing? I don't think so...

 

But, I guess it's situations like these that create the "Bridezilla" TV show.

 

Certainly she can personally call her fiance's friends, pry into the nature of their current relationships and the seriousness/long-term potential, and then let them know if they've made the cut or not. I suppose she could also call all the relatives and see how solid their marriages are, because I guess if they are close to separation or divorce, and won't continue to be part of the family, they should be excluded as well.

 

Yep, a wedding should be designed by the couple, but I don't think that precludes proper etiquette or decorum.

 

Please try to cool it on the sarcasm. Like I said, it's not helpful.

 

As for your opinion, I do see where you are coming from. We are trying to come up with a way to make everyone happy and stay on our budget. Maybe we can mail out invitations and then wait to get rejections and then send invites to the single people inviting a guest for them?

[Star Gazer]

I'm not missing a thing. So, because it's her wedding, that includes a level of entitlement to ignore common good manners, breeding and etiquette and invite people and allow them to bring a date of their choosing? I don't think so...

 

But, I guess it's situations like these that create the "Bridezilla" TV show.

 

Certainly she can personally call her fiance's friends, pry into the nature of their current relationships and the seriousness/long-term potential, and then let them know if they've made the cut or not. I suppose she could also call all the relatives and see how solid their marriages are, because I guess if they are close to separation or divorce, and won't continue to be part of the family, they should be excluded as well.

 

Yep, a wedding should be designed by the couple, but I don't think that precludes proper etiquette or decorum.

 

You're making giant, extreme leaps here, JB. I mean, really. This doesn't have to be so extreme and polarized. Speaking of entitlement, I have manners, and I don't think every guest is ENTITLED to bring a date to the COUPLE's big day.

 

Let's look at the other EXTREME end of the spectrum. Obviously not all of LB's guests are single, but let's assume for a second that they are. Are you seriously suggesting that she pay HALF the cost of her wedding to allow STRANGERS to come to the BIGGEST and MOST IMPORTANT day of HER life? Because given your rubric (guest = dates MUST come too), her only other option is to not have anyone come at all.

 

Be reasonable here, please.

[Chocolat]

In theory, you invite people to your wedding because you want them to share in your day. Inviting them in such a way that potentially makes the event less fun for them is, well, not rude exactly, but misses the point.

[melodymatters]

In theory, you invite people to your wedding because you want them to share in your day. Inviting them in such a way that potentially makes the event less fun for them is, well, not rude exactly, but misses the point.

 

 

Well said !

 

Again, close friends in town that you feel comfortable talking about the wedding budget, by all means !

 

Anyone coming from out of town should be able to bring a guest for their own comfort and practical reasons.

 

Flying or driving into town.

Getting a hotel room

Expenses occured on "off wedding duty hours"

Giving a $150 cash gift ( seems average these days among middle class peers)

 

And having to do that alone, is putting too much of an emotional and financial burden on said guest.

 

My sister flew from Boston to NYC for an old friends wedding, wasn't invited to bring a guest, and was seated with " single people" who all knew each other and ingored her. She had to take off time from work, it cost a grand, she "saw" her friend the bride for like 6 seconds. It was a horrible weekend for her and she vowed to never put herself in that situation again.

[alphamale]

Would you be annoyed if you were invited to a wedding without a date?

yes very much so

[troggleputty]

You should get Emily Post's book out of the library and Ms. Manner's and see what they have to say about it.

 

There is an "answer" to your question, you just have to know where to look for it.

[troggleputty]

From: "Brides.com":

 

Question:I'm inviting friends to our wedding whom I know do not have a significant other. Do I still have to include a guest on their invitations?

 

 

Answer:Nope. You're expected to invite the spouses, fiancé, live-in partners and serious beaus of your guests, but anyone less committed can fly solo. Just make sure that what you think of as "less committed" mirrors the sentiment of the guest that falls into that gray area, to avoid offending someone who's fallen head-over-heels in the last three weeks. Ask a trusted friend if you aren't positive about someone's dating status. Rest assured that at least one or two of your single pals will call and ask about bringing a tag-along. If they do, tell them that you simply can't accommodate any extra guests. If they refuse to come without a date, then so be it. Invite someone else who might turn out to be a better friend in the long run.

[Lauriebell82]

You should get Emily Post's book out of the library and Ms. Manner's and see what they have to say about it.

 

There is an "answer" to your question, you just have to know where to look for it.

 

This is what theknot says about it:

 

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

[Jilly Bean]

Please try to cool it on the sarcasm. Like I said, it's not helpful.

 

As for your opinion, I do see where you are coming from. We are trying to come up with a way to make everyone happy and stay on our budget. Maybe we can mail out invitations and then wait to get rejections and then send invites to the single people inviting a guest for them?

 

I'm not being sarcastic, LB. I think trying to delete "dates" based on the quality of their relationship is just as crass as any of the scenarios I described.

 

Let people bring dates, LB. I think you will find when the actual day comes, that more people will decline than you expected. This kind of thing generally comes out in the wash, and if it doesn't, isn't it OK to be a little overbudget, than potentially alienate your friends?

[troggleputty]

Please try to cool it on the sarcasm. Like I said, it's not helpful.

 

As for your opinion, I do see where you are coming from. We are trying to come up with a way to make everyone happy and stay on our budget. Maybe we can mail out invitations and then wait to get rejections and then send invites to the single people inviting a guest for them?

 

 

I've provided you with the answer, Jilly Bean and those who agree with her are just wrong about this.

 

A wedding is not an opportunity for the guests to have a "fun date." It's a wedding. It's nice if the guests have fun. But, if the guests only want to go if they can have a "fun date/good time" then they shouldn't bother.

 

Only significant others, spouses, live-ins get to come as guests. If there are grey area issues those can be determined on a case by case basis.

 

I guess nowadays people are so unfamiliar with etiquette because a wedding isn't viewed as anything special by a lot of people, it's just a really big party.

[troggleputty]

I'm not being sarcastic, LB. I think trying to delete "dates" based on the quality of their relationship is just as crass as any of the scenarios I described.

 

Let people bring dates, LB. I think you will find when the actual day comes, that more people will decline than you expected. This kind of thing generally comes out in the wash, and if it doesn't, isn't it OK to be a little overbudget, than potentially alienate your friends?

 

 

You're wrong about this Jilly Bean. Maybe if you ever had to actually pay for a wedding you would look at it differently. A wedding is not an occasion for randoms and casual acquaintances to have a chance to have a nice date and a party.

 

What's the point of letting guests bring dates who they might never see again after the wedding?

 

Your priorities are messed up about this.

[Crazy Magnet]

I keep having flashbacks to a wedding I was in last year where I was not given the opportunity to bring a date b/c I was single and not dating anyone seriously, although I had several close male friends who offered to go and I could have taken anyone I was seeing casually.. I shelled out more than $20000 on the bridesmaids dress, shoes, hair, travel expenses, food costs, linger show crap, bachelorette party weekend, wedding gift, my time, etc. and she was too cheap to let me bring somebody she didn't know because it saved HER some money. Then she actually sat there and BRAGGED to me about how cheap she was getting off on her wedding. Considering every bridesmaid shelled out the same amount as me and there were 8 of us, I guess she considered our extra $16,000 as trivial to her wedding day costs.

 

I don't talk to her anymore. I realized what a bitch she was in that moment. It was more important for her to save money than for me to have a good time. She actually did this to all her "single" at the time friends and honestly none of us talk to her anymore ever. It was that rude.

 

I still say talk to the local in town people and find out how important it is for them to bring a date. Out of town, for sure give them the option as they will be incurring expenses that will make your $100 a head look very small and insignificant. It's more than that for a hotel room!

 

Please don't be that bride! Like I said, it's not worth the fall out!

[Lauriebell82]

I'm not being sarcastic, LB. I think trying to delete "dates" based on the quality of their relationship is just as crass as any of the scenarios I described.

 

Let people bring dates, LB. I think you will find when the actual day comes, that more people will decline than you expected. This kind of thing generally comes out in the wash, and if it doesn't, isn't it OK to be a little overbudget, than potentially alienate your friends?

 

Yeah, I know that people are going to decline so I was thinking about sending out family invites and very close friend invites (the ones who are single are not our best friends) and when some rejections come back then we can "add a guest" to the single friend's invites.

 

All out of town guests will get a "and guest" if they are single, it's no fun to travel alone to a wedding. But for the single in town guests who all know each other we are unsure whether to offer them to bring a guest.

 

I don't agree that we have an "obligation" to invite a guest for every single person at our wedding. But I also don't want to upset or offend anyone either.

[Lauriebell82]

I keep having flashbacks to a wedding I was in last year where I was not given the opportunity to bring a date b/c I was single and not dating anyone seriously, although I had several close male friends who offered to go and I could have taken anyone I was seeing casually.. I shelled out more than $20000 on the bridesmaids dress, shoes, hair, travel expenses, food costs, linger show crap, bachelorette party weekend, wedding gift, my time, etc. and she was too cheap to let me bring somebody she didn't know because it saved HER some money. Then she actually sat there and BRAGGED to me about how cheap she was getting off on her wedding. Considering every bridesmaid shelled out the same amount as me and there were 8 of us, I guess she considered our extra $16,000 as trivial to her wedding day costs.

 

Everyone in the bridal will have the opportunity to bring a date.

 

I still say talk to the local in town people and find out how important it is for them to bring a date. Out of town, for sure give them the option as they will be incurring expenses that will make your $100 a head look very small and insignificant. It's more than that for a hotel room!

 

Yep, I completely agree. I think our friends will understand if we explain it to them, they aren't total a-holes. If they were they wouldn't be invited to our wedding!

[Star Gazer]

I keep having flashbacks to a wedding I was in last year where I was not given the opportunity to bring a date b/c I was single and not dating anyone seriously, although I had several close male friends who offered to go and I could have taken anyone I was seeing casually.. I shelled out more than $20000 on the bridesmaids dress, shoes, hair, travel expenses, food costs, linger show crap, bachelorette party weekend, wedding gift, my time, etc. and she was too cheap to let me bring somebody she didn't know because it saved HER some money. Then she actually sat there and BRAGGED to me about how cheap she was getting off on her wedding. Considering every bridesmaid shelled out the same amount as me and there were 8 of us, I guess she considered our extra $16,000 as trivial to her wedding day costs.

 

I don't talk to her anymore. I realized what a bitch she was in that moment. It was more important for her to save money than for me to have a good time. She actually did this to all her "single" at the time friends and honestly none of us talk to her anymore ever. It was that rude.

 

I still say talk to the local in town people and find out how important it is for them to bring a date. Out of town, for sure give them the option as they will be incurring expenses that will make your $100 a head look very small and insignificant. It's more than that for a hotel room!

 

Please don't be that bride! Like I said, it's not worth the fall out!

 

You spent $20,000 (twenty thousand dollars) to attend a wedding? And others paid $16,000? You've got be be exaggerating - I can't even imagine that being possible.

[Crazy Magnet]

Well at least your bridal party can bring a date! Although the bride was one of my closest friends, I was not "friends" with any of the other bridesmaids and had only met them a few times. It was one of the worst, most awkward nights of my life and I was miserable.

 

Don't even get me started on the 14 hours I spent alone in my car. ha!

 

In the end you'll probably have plenty of room for everyone, especially as out of town guest start to decline the invite.

 

It's not customary to send out in town invitations in my area and everyone who is invited to the announcement or a shower is considered invited to the wedding and you have no idea if they will bring a +1 or not. Try budgeting and planning for that random number! I ended up with 350+ at my wedding!! I couldn't tell you who brought a date b/c I don't actually remember.

[sweetjasmine]

Would you be annoyed if you were invited to a wedding without a date?

 

No. I wasn't originally invited to my SO's brother's wedding (he didn't know my SO and I were dating/serious), and we had been together for almost a year. They extended an invitation when my SO asked if I could come along, but if they had said no, I wouldn't have been pissed.

 

My cousin is getting married in a couple of months and I didn't assume my SO would be invited until they directly told me he was definitely invited, but I guess it's a little less clear when you get a family invitation instead of individual ones.

[Crazy Magnet]

You spent $20,000 (twenty thousand dollars) to attend a wedding? And others paid $16,000? You've got be be exaggerating - I can't even imagine that being possible.

 

I meant to add a comma. $2,000. Each bridesmaid spent approximately the same amount so total we spent $16,000 on dresses, shoes, hair, make up, nails, gifts, travel expenses, etc. None of which the bride considered as part of her wedding costs.

 

And by the time the bridal party got to the reception ALL the food was gone. I mean every last thing other than a roll. The open bar beverages were gone too. So not only did we have to pay for our drinks all night, we also had to pay for a meal the night of the wedding. It was so thoughtless. Oh I get angry just thinking about it.

[Art_Critic]

Would you be annoyed if you were invited to a wedding without a date?

 

Yeah I would.. you invite your single guests with a +1...

 

How would you feel if they broke from etiquette and didn't bring you a gift, ate all of your food and then left ?

 

You invite couples.. You do a head count and only invite enough to fill your budget...