Inviting "dates" to the wedding

[allina]

I would not consider a no-date policy at my own wedding. To me it would look like the couple was trying to have a bigger and fancier wedding than they could realistically afford. You're basically spreading your budget so thin that there is no room to please and accommodate your guests' dates. Kind of like blowing a ton of money on a designer bag you can't really afford.

[troggleputty]

I would not consider a no-date policy at my own wedding. To me it would look like the couple was trying to have a bigger and fancier wedding than they could realistically afford. You're basically spreading your budget so thin that there is no room to please and accommodate your guests' dates. Kind of like blowing a ton of money on a designer bag you can't really afford.

 

Nope, you're entirely missing the point.

 

All the guests at the wedding are supposed to have a connection or interest in the married couple. THAT's why everyone is supposed to be there, even the "dates." If you're a spouse, SO or live-in, then you're presumed to share that interest/connection in the married couple.

 

If not, if you're just a "date," then you really don't have any interest whatsoever in the married couple.

 

People if you want to take your boy/girlfriends out on dates you are entitled to do that whenever you want. A wedding is not simply an excuse for you to be able to dress up and have a date. It's supposed to be about the couple getting married, not about you. The reason you get the invite is not because the married couple needs to fill a chair; it's because you have an interest in what's going on, i.e., the marriage that's going to happen.

 

Random dates obviously DON'T have any concern whatsoever about the people who are getting married.

[Star Gazer]

Why do people "care about it looking like they're trying to save money"? Who ISN'T trying to save money these days?! Can you blame a new couple from trying to save some money??

 

That said, even if I had an unlimited budget, I don't think I'd want random dates there! It's MY special day! Not a party for you and your date!

 

This isn't a backyard BBQ, for crying out loud! It's the most sacred and special day (hopefully!) in someone's life up to that point. Why share it with RANDOM people? If I don't know you personally, and don't think you have a pretty damn good chance of still being in my life a year or two from now (i.e., you're my cousin Joe's third girlfriend this year, or my gal pal's FWB, or my sister's coworker), then you're not welcome. And if you're not willing to spend some money on a hotel room to share my day with me, and you're going to b*tch about not being able to bring a date, then we're not as close as I thought we were, and you don't need to come either. So there.

 

But then again, maybe a wedding is more important and special to me than some other people?? *shrug*

 

I'm honestly floored by some of these responses!

[melodymatters]

Laurie, I'm glad to hear what you've decided : talking to local friends and feeling them out, and making it a given that out of towners get to bring someone. Sounds like the most sensible solution gven what can be a difficult situation.

 

Star, sweetheart, I understand how you feel, but reality can be harsh. To maybe your five closest family members and five or so closest friends, it's all about you and how happy they are for you.

 

Once you get outside that inner circle, people are selfish and they have their own time and financial obligations. If a wedding is not going to be " fun" they would rather not go. Not because they don't like you, but people are inherently selfish, and if they are going to take the weekend off and spend a lot of dough, maybe they'd rather go skiing !

 

If this bothers you, then I think you would be a perfect candidate for a small and intimate wedding !

[Chocolat]

Star, sweetheart, I understand how you feel, but reality can be harsh. To maybe your five closest family members and five or so closest friends, it's all about you and how happy they are for you.

 

Exactly.

 

If a couple truly wants only to have guests who genuinely care about them present, then guest lists should be limited to that handful of close friends and family. Once the guest list expands to the point that the wedding couple cannot spend more than a few minutes with each guest, the concept of people being there only to share in the special day flies out the window. What are these guests expected to do for the other 3-4 hours?

[hotgurl]

I allowed everyone the option of a date. I had a small wedding and almost everyone was already in relationships wither married or serious. So to me having and extra 7 people was no big deal.

 

As it turned out the singels all came single anyways.

 

My cousin brought his live in girlfriend and she was in our family picutres. the posed one before the wedding.

 

side note: the broke up on the the drive back ot Chicago. I was so mad she is in my wedding picts! so I photoshoped her out when I made prints.

[2sure]

If you take a look at my original posts, I said it was tricky!

And that sometimes you have to count on the good taste and discretion of the people you are inviting.

 

When I have a private social event and send out invitations if someone were to show up with a date they scrounged up....lol...talk about cheez whiz! I cannot imagine many of my peers or associates feeling so socially incompetent that they needed to bring along someone for support or entertainment to a celebration. But it happens, the same people do it all the time...the same woman who brought a girl she works with to my sister's anniversary party brought a blind date to a friends wedding.

 

So, with just a little thought to your guest list...these people arent hard to spot.

[2sure]

Just thought of something kind of relevant and true:

 

Solo women are more likely to bring an impromptu date than men. I don't know why really, but I think men feel more comfortable attending alone and also like to leave their options open as to meeting someone. When women bring a date, they are least usually careful to being someone very nice.

 

BUT. When guys do bring someone they dont know well...its always always way worse than the women's guests. Which is ultimately entertaining anyway.

[Star Gazer]

Once you get outside that inner circle, people are selfish and they have their own time and financial obligations. If a wedding is not going to be " fun" they would rather not go. Not because they don't like you, but people are inherently selfish, and if they are going to take the weekend off and spend a lot of dough, maybe they'd rather go skiing !

 

If this bothers you, then I think you would be a perfect candidate for a small and intimate wedding !

 

You just took the words right out of my mouth. People outside the inner circle (depending on how large that inner circle is [big vs. small family, etc.]) ARE SELFISH. Why should a bride and groom cater to THEM?! It's preposterous!

 

And yes, I think I am the perfect candidate for a small and intimate wedding. But even then, we're talking 75-100.

[Star Gazer]

If a couple truly wants only to have guests who genuinely care about them present, then guest lists should be limited to that handful of close friends and family.

 

I've been surrounded by wedding hoopla lately, and something hit me the other day. If my mother were to pass, who would I want to be there to support me at the funeral? Who is that important to me that I'd be hurt if they knew of her passing and the details of the funeral, and they didn't come (barring some circumstances where they couldn't get there - those things are, afterall, usually on somewhat short notice)?

 

The people on that list would make up my wedding invites... and that's pretty much it.

[make me believe]

I am BLOWN AWAY by some of the replies in this thread!! A wedding is about the couple, not throwing a party for all of their family/friends & the random Joe Schmoes they happen to be dating at the time! If a family member or friend of mine refused to attend my wedding because he/she couldn't bring their fk buddy of the moment, well, that would tell me a lot about them and they surely would not be missed!!

 

People are suggesting cutting down the guest list if you can't afford to pay for everybody to bring a date. That is RIDICULOUS! So, some of my friends, who I am actually close to, should be cut from my guest list so that other people can bring strangers with them?? Wha...?

[Star Gazer]

I am BLOWN AWAY by some of the replies in this thread!! A wedding is about the couple, not throwing a party for all of their family/friends & the random Joe Schmoes they happen to be dating at the time! If a family member or friend of mine refused to attend my wedding because he/she couldn't bring their fk buddy of the moment, well, that would tell me a lot about them and they surely would not be missed!!

People are suggesting cutting down the guest list if you can't afford to pay for everybody to bring a date. That is RIDICULOUS! So, some of my friends, who I am actually close to, should be cut from my guest list so that other people can bring strangers with them?? Wha...?

 

I couldn't agree more - it's ridiculous!

[Art_Critic]

I found a really good response to this same question on an etiquette page.

 

For single guests, do I have to include "and guest" on the invitation?

 

The answer here is very situational. If you have a lot of single guests who will be attending, then it is not necessary to include an extra guest for each person. However, if someone is technically "single" but is in a serious relationship, you should really consider inviting them both by name on the same invitation. Also, if you are inviting mostly married couples, it might be awkward for your single friend to come alone, so consider his or her feelings first and foremost.

 

When it comes to this question, the answer is more about making people feel comfortable than about following some rule. If you think that a particular person will be hurt if you exclude their significant other, then it is better to include them and make accommodations. If your best friend is technically single but you have met her boyfriend and gone on double dates with them on occasion, it is definitely better to invite them both as opposed to just your friend.

[Art_Critic]

I am BLOWN AWAY by some of the replies in this thread!!

 

Why are you blown away, We are all different people with different viewpoints and different priorities.

[Art_Critic]

That's a rather crass term for what MIGHT be someone's very important budding relationship of many months.

 

Who could wind up getting married in a year and having their own wedding

[Star Gazer]

I found a really good response to this same question on an etiquette page.

 

But but but... that would require you to "judge" a relationship - is it serious, it is not? (Sarcasm, of course.)

 

It's the bride and groom's day. They should get to pick who's there, under any rubric they choose. Those who don't like it, don't have to come.

[make me believe]

Why are you blown away, We are all different people with different viewpoints and different priorities.

 

I'm shocked because I think it's incredibly selfish to expect to bring a date to somebody else's wedding, even if the couple has never even MET your date. It's the expectation of this that blows my mind. Why on earth would you expect a couple to want somebody they aren't close to, or perhaps have never even met, at their special day?

 

Donna, just because a relationship is important to the people in it doesn't mean it's important to anyone else. lol. I'm sorry, but if I've never met my friends "important" boyfriend, I don't want him at my wedding. He isn't important to ME, and I personally do not want somebody that I barely know at an intimate and special moment in my life.

 

I completely understand if other people want to include dates for their wedding guests. But that should be left up to the bride and groom. I just don't think it's this massively big deal to not let your second cousin bring the guy she's been dating for a month and a half. (Is that better than "fk buddy of the moment?" )

 

Anyway, I think this debate just goes to show what circuses weddings have become nowadays. It's no longer about celebrating the couple and their union, and presenting their marriage to their family and friends. Now it's about a huge party, crazy rules of etiquette dictating every decision, making sure your guests are happy at all costs... sheesh.

[make me believe]

Who could wind up getting married in a year and having their own wedding

 

You got it. That was exactly my point!

 

Sorry, but what point is that exactly? If I invite a friend but not her brand new boyfriend, and a year later they end up getting married... have I somehow disrespected their new marriage by not inviting him to my wedding a year ago when I hadn't even met him?

[Star Gazer]

A reminder how the opening post was stated.

 

If you have a friend good enough to invite to your wedding, I would THINK you would have met their SO they have been dating for a few months. If not, then are perhaps some of the people at your potential wedding only being invited so they can come bearing gifts? Not you, LB, the proverbial "you."

 

I have plenty of good friends who I haven't met the person they're dating yet. If I were to invite their date, it would NOT be to get a gift. C'mon, donna.

 

You can't win with you! If you don't invite the date, you're a lousy person. If you do invite the date, you're greedy. Sheesh!

 

[melodymatters]

I'm shocked because I think it's incredibly selfish to expect to bring a date to somebody else's wedding, even if the couple has never even MET your date. It's the expectation of this that blows my mind. Why on earth would you expect a couple to want somebody they aren't close to, or perhaps have never even met, at their special day?

 

Donna, just because a relationship is important to the people in it doesn't mean it's important to anyone else. lol. I'm sorry, but if I've never met my friends "important" boyfriend, I don't want him at my wedding. He isn't important to ME, and I personally do not want somebody that I barely know at an intimate and special moment in my life.

 

I completely understand if other people want to include dates for their wedding guests. But that should be left up to the bride and groom. I just don't think it's this massively big deal to not let your second cousin bring the guy she's been dating for a month and a half. (Is that better than "fk buddy of the moment?" )

 

Anyway, I think this debate just goes to show what circuses weddings have become nowadays. It's no longer about celebrating the couple and their union, and presenting their marriage to their family and friends. Now it's about a huge party, crazy rules of etiquette dictating every decision, making sure your guests are happy at all costs... sheesh.

 

 

You are right that weddings are becoming excuses for people to act like narcissistic 2 yr olds. All this It's "YOUR" special day has beeen taken too far. Yes, it's your day, but how far should that be taken ? These people aren't indentured servants who owe you a weekend of their life and their money and HAVE to do whatever YOU say because it's YOUR day.

 

Being in the bridal party is usually a SACRIFICE you make for your friends : all the showers, the ugly shoes and dresses, the rehearsals, the endless picture taking, and gee whiz, I'm going to get a couple drinks and some banquet hall food in return ?!? I could cook something better at home or use my cash gift to go to the best restaurant in town. If I'm there it's because I really love you.

 

I turn down more weddings than I attend, but on the other hand I have been married twice and never put anybody through anything. They were small intimate gatherings with just close friends and family with a small party afterward.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just want to show another way of looking at it, and personally I am not a fan of big weddings.

 

It's about making your love official and then celebrating with loved ones. That's it. It's not an excuse to act like an obnoxious reality show character for a day.

[Star Gazer]

You missed my point which was if you are such a far removed friend that you've never met their SO "of a few months," then perhaps you are inviting THE FRIEND for the gift.

 

I was talking about the friend too.

[norajane]

What is everyone's opinion on this? I know etiquette says that you should invite a date for people that are in relationships. But what qualifies as that? What if they are only dating for like a few months? Considering our venue costs $100 a head, I'm hesistant to have all our singles friend's bring dates.

 

Would you be annoyed if you were invited to a wedding without a date?

 

Yes, actually, I would. I dislike most weddings, but if I had to go to one, I sure would want to be able to bring someone I'm dating.

 

LB, how would you have felt if your bf had been invited to his good friend's wedding and you weren't welcome?

[Crazy Magnet]

I'd love to see how this debate looks according to Married before vs. never married before. I think those of us who have been married before realize that the day, is not in fact, all about the bride and groom. I find the majority of weddings to be boring (the actual wedding part) and the receptions aren't ever that much better. So while it's all "special and intimate" for the bride and groom, the rest of us have better stuff to do.

 

I'm the eternal bridesmaid pick though, so maybe years and years of weddings have worn me down. ha!

 

Yes, weddings are special, but as the couple you're so busy that day anyway it just flies by and you barely remember any of it. You really won't care who brought a date and who didn't b/c you won't actually SEE any of your guests for more than 3 minutes a piece unless it is a very small wedding. 160 is big enough that you won't spend much time with your guests and you'll be busting your bustle to get around that entire room and thank everyone for coming. 5 or 6 extra people aren't going to be a big deal on that specific day.

 

But I think talking to your friends is still the way to go. Let us know how it turns out! As in, dish on the drama...who gets pissed that they can't bring a date! haha

[Lauriebell82]

WOAH, I can't believe how many responses there are now!!! I guess now that I have a full time job again I don't time to be on LS all day!!

 

Oh, by the way my first day of work was FABULOUS!!!! I love it and def. made the right decision!!!

 

Anyway, I appreciate all the responses.

 

To answer norajane's question, I would be upset if I were not invited to my fiance's freind's wedding just because we are engaged and have been together for close to 4 years. If it was in 2006 when we had only been dating for a month or so then I wouldn't have been upset at not having been invited because I barely knew any of his friends and they didn't know me.

 

I am definately not cutting the guest list in order to allow people to bring dates. That would be wrong. I actually asked a single freind of mine yesterday if she had someone who she thought she might bring and she said she didn't want to bring a guest because she wanted to try to hook up with my cousin who she thinks is hot! I told her the situation and she said that some single people would actually LIKE to come alone to meet other singles. She said she wouldn't want to bring a friend that didn't know me because then she wouldn't be able to mingle. So I don't know?

[melodymatters]

WOAH, I can't believe how many responses there are now!!! I guess now that I have a full time job again I don't time to be on LS all day!!

 

Oh, by the way my first day of work was FABULOUS!!!! I love it and def. made the right decision!!!

 

Anyway, I appreciate all the responses.

 

To answer norajane's question, I would be upset if I were not invited to my fiance's freind's wedding just because we are engaged and have been together for close to 4 years. If it was in 2006 when we had only been dating for a month or so then I wouldn't have been upset at not having been invited because I barely knew any of his friends and they didn't know me.

 

I am definately not cutting the guest list in order to allow people to bring dates. That would be wrong. I actually asked a single freind of mine yesterday if she had someone who she thought she might bring and she said she didn't want to bring a guest because she wanted to try to hook up with my cousin who she thinks is hot! I told her the situation and she said that some single people would actually LIKE to come alone to meet other singles. She said she wouldn't want to bring a friend that didn't know me because then she wouldn't be able to mingle. So I don't know?

 

I'm so glad to hear that you like your new job ! And that's great that you are taking the time to feel out your friends. Like I said, if I was local and a close friend, no problem, but I am 43, prob wouldn't WANT to hit on your cousin, and could feel very miserable if there alone.

 

Case by case. Weddings make people nuts. There was another thread about an eloping couple and putting "No giftss" on the announcement and people were all over the place ! One guy said that obviously there was something wrong with the bride and groom if they didn't have a wedding: ( He was a cheap bastard, and she was mail order bride, all from a post asking about gift etiquette !)