Inviting "dates" to the wedding

[Art_Critic]

I'd love to see how this debate looks according to Married before vs. never married before.

 

Married twice

 

First Wedding was a decent size, not tiny but not huge either..it was her second wedding but my first, nothing overboard on expense but everything was done with taste in mind.

Second one was very small, family only type of gathering, vows taken in front of a judge at the courthouse.

We both had been married before so we didn't do a wedding.

Edited April 14, 2010 by Art_Critic

[Woman In Blue]

I am BLOWN AWAY by some of the replies in this thread!! A wedding is about the couple, not throwing a party for all of their family/friends & the random Joe Schmoes they happen to be dating at the time! If a family member or friend of mine refused to attend my wedding because he/she couldn't bring their fk buddy of the moment, well, that would tell me a lot about them and they surely would not be missed!!

And quite honestly, I'm blown away by this somewhat narrow-minded outlook.

 

Not EVERYONE is perfectly content to give up a Saturday or Sunday and dress up in their finery only to drive alone to a wedding, sit alone during the ceremony, drive alone to the reception, then have to make polite chitchat for 4-6 hours with 8 other strangers at their table - all so the bride and groom can feel like it's THEIR day.

 

THAT sounds more selfish to ME than guests feeling they should be able to bring a date with them. Geez, a wedding is supposed to be a happy, fun celebration for everyone - not an uncomfortable 6-8 hour endurance test for people who weren't allowed to bring a date.

 

Yes, it's "all about the couple" on their special day - but at the same time, those coming to celebrate the occasion should also be able to enjoy it, too.

[allina]

Nope, you're entirely missing the point.

 

A wedding is not simply an excuse for you to be able to dress up and have a date. It's supposed to be about the couple getting married, not about you.

 

No, I'm not missing any point. Maybe my opinion on the topic is different than yours but no point has been missed on my part.

 

At my upcoming wedding I want my guests to have a blast and to feel comfortable. While I'm off running around with the photographer, spending time with my family and my husband's family I don't want to worry about the friends that flew across the country to support me on my special day being lonely or feeling left out.

 

I would opt for a smaller list to begin with, or perhaps a venue that isn't so extravagant. But, see, I'm all about the fun with friends and loved ones and NOT so much about the flash and finery. Not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's your focus. Everyone likes what they like.

 

My view on the subject exactly

 

 

Not EVERYONE is perfectly content to give up a Saturday or Sunday and dress up in their finery only to drive alone to a wedding, sit alone during the ceremony, drive alone to the reception, then have to make polite chitchat for 4-6 hours with 8 other strangers at their table - all so the bride and groom can feel like it's THEIR day.

 

THAT sounds more selfish to ME than guests feeling they should be able to bring a date with them. Geez, a wedding is supposed to be a happy, fun celebration for everyone - not an uncomfortable 6-8 hour endurance test for people who weren't allowed to bring a date.

 

Yes, it's "all about the couple" on their special day - but at the same time, those coming to celebrate the occasion should also be able to enjoy it, too.

 

Yes! For example, a dear friend of mine is driving to CA from Texas for my wedding. My SO and I hope he has a great date to make the journey with. We are thrilled and flattered that he is making the trip and would never insist that he makes it alone. For me it was all about thoughtful planning and common sense. I just planned accordingly for a few possible dates. I'm thrilled about my upcoming wedding and I know my guests are too.

[hotgurl]

No, I'm not missing any point. Maybe my opinion on the topic is different than yours but no point has been missed on my part.

 

At my upcoming wedding I want my guests to have a blast and to feel comfortable. While I'm off running around with the photographer, spending time with my family and my husband's family I don't want to worry about the friends that flew across the country to support me on my special day being lonely or feeling left out.

 

Yes! For example, a dear friend of mine is driving to CA from Texas for my wedding. My SO and I hope he has a great date to make the journey with. We are thrilled and flattered that he is making the trip and would never insist that he makes it alone. For me it was all about thoughtful planning and common sense. I just planned accordingly for a few possible dates. I'm thrilled about my upcoming wedding and I know my guests are too.

 

I agree 100%. You have to realize how much money people are spending to get to your wedding.

 

I tried really hard to make my wedding fun for everyone. I had 1/2 hr ceremony. and in the reception I kept all that "tradiotnal hoopla" to a minimum.

 

I was just a big party with good music and food. And we had fun. We were parting to 2am.

 

But like i said I only had 70 people so dates weren't a big deal. And in the planning process I already knew I would have people bring dates. So I knew that from the begining. I picked my place based on the cost of all the people I was inviting.

 

 

BTW LB why are you just thinking about this now?

[sunshinegirl]

Sorry, LB. But if I was told I couldn't bring a date because we were only dating a few months, I would assume "cheese whiz" wedding, and wouldn't bother to attend. It smacks of cheap. And I don't care if you're spending $100 a head, $10 a head, or $1,000 a head. The message it sends is that you care more about money, than you do in having your friends, and their friends/SO's, attend your special day.

 

Oh my goodness...I just had to comment on this. I will be getting married in October and we are just starting to put our guest list together. We have so many friends and family that we want to celebrate with us, that our list is currently well over 300 people, and we are going to struggle to get it down to 250, our venue's maximum. We have debated eloping, doing a very small event, drawing 'lines' for who we invite and don't invite...and so far we keep coming back to the large list because we want to share our happiness at finding each other with the many people in our lives who have been meaningful and have walked our life paths with us.

 

Along the way, we are going to have to make some very, very difficult choices about how to handle our single friends not in serious committed long-term relationships. And for better or worse, for budget and venue size reasons, we are probably not going to be able to let them all bring a guest.

 

For those reasons, I think it's wholly unfair and inaccurate to say that a bride and groom who have to limit guest size care "more" about money than their friends having a good time. That's an extremely uncharitable view of a very difficult set of decisions.

 

I could easily flip the equation and say that any single guest that gripes that my wedding was "cheez whiz" because they couldn't bring a date cares more about the party and themselves, than they do about our friendship, the symbolism of me inviting them to share this once-in-a-lifetime event, or celebrating with me that I finally found the love of my life.

 

Instead, I think both sides would do well to extend some grace and understanding to the other in a tough situation.

 

I know that my fiance and I will do our best to ensure that our guests have a wonderful time, whether coupled or not, and I know that my good friends who are single will understand why we had to make the choices that we did.

 

I have attended plenty of weddings solo, and instead of whining and feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have a date at a romantic event, I did my best to focus on the happiness of my friend or relative getting married. It is not, ultimately, THEIR problem whether or not I enjoyed their event; it was, ultimately, on ME to make the most of the party.

 

Last thing: while I think that for out-of-town singles who may not know anyone else and who will go through a lot of pain and expense to attend, it's a lovely gesture to invite them to bring a guest.... but let's not forget that it is every guest's prerogative to decline a wedding invitation. So if the invite did not include a "plus one", and it would be inconvenient, costly, and not a very fun time to boot, they are perfectly entitled to give their regrets. I guess I am just reacting to what feels like a thread of wedding guests whining about not being able to bring a date, when they could have just said no. Take responsibility for your decision to attend, and make the best of it. And brides/grooms - do your best to ensure they have a good time.

Edited April 14, 2010 by sunshinegirl

[Star Gazer]

...and so far we keep coming back to the large list because we want to share our happiness at finding each other with the many people in our lives who have been meaningful and have walked our life paths with us.

 

Loved your post, SSG.

 

But I have to ask this... you really have 250-300 people who are "meaningful and have walkin your live paths with you"? Even collectively?

 

I often wonder about big weddings, because I cannot imagine being close to that many people.

[allina]

We have so many friends and family that we want to celebrate with us, that our list is currently well over 300 people

 

Maybe it's because I have a small family but this always blows my mind! You have well over 300 people you're super close to and want at your wedding?? These are all people you are currently close to and have regular contact with?? I'm not attacking you at all, I think it's awesome to have a large family, I'm just always thinking "wow!" when I see these huge guest lists.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe it's because I have a small family but this always blows my mind! You have well over 300 people you're super close to and want at your wedding?? These are all people you are currently close to and have regular contact with?? I'm not attacking you at all, I think it's awesome to have a large family, I'm just always thinking "wow!" when I see these huge guest lists.

 

I think the same way, A. But again, that could be because I have a small family. I can't imagine being close to and having regular contact with that many people.

[Lauriebell82]

So it seems like there are two types of extremes here:

 

1) Ls members who believe that a date should be invited for all single guests so they are not lonely or bored at the wedding

2) Ls members who believe that it is not neccessary to invite dates for single people because of cost and because it is the "bride and groom's day" not an excuse for someone to bring a date

 

I appreciate all the opinions. I guess I see both sides of the coin, I don't want people to feel lonely or bored but at the same time if we invited a guest for every single person in our wedding then our list would be through the roof! We aren't having a "cheese wiz" wedding and we aren't cheap either, we are budget friendly. Personally, if I were invited to a wedding and my fiance was not invited to come as my guest and the bride told me that it was because of budget then I would be understanding. I wouldn't biatch and moan because my fiance isn't there, ESPECIALLY if I knew other people at the wedding and the bride went out of her way to seat me with the other people that I knew.

 

My personal opinion-and I'm not trying to say anyone is right or wrong-is that unless you are having some sort of platinum wedding then I feel it's okay not to invite a guest for single friends and seat them with other's that they know at the wedding. Fiance has been in quiet a few wedding parties and I was always invited as a date and they made sure to seat me with the other bridal party dates. I couldn't really talk with my fiance but I tried to make the best of the situation and get to know the other's at my table.

 

I don't know, I guess I just feel like since we are the one's paying for the wedding then it's wrong to feel obligated to bring someone the couple doesn't even know.

[sunshinegirl]

Loved your post, SSG.

 

But I have to ask this... you really have 250-300 people who are "meaningful and have walkin your live paths with you"? Even collectively?

 

I often wonder about big weddings, because I cannot imagine being close to that many people.

 

Fair question!

 

The numbers add up quick when you add together extended family (aunts & uncles, cousins and their spouses) and friends (*most* of whom are married, so even if we're actually only close to one person in the couple, we're obviously inviting their spouse). And honestly, it's my fiance's list that is much longer than mine! He is an a cappella singer and has been in four different groups over the years (two still actively) and developed close friendships with nearly 30 guys...most with longtime SO's or wives. He did a brutal cut of his list last week and cut out 8 singing buddies + SO's, but has felt really uncomfortable about it since, because it creates a lot of awkwardness when you invite only half of your 7-man a cappella group.

 

THEN, consider that my parents added 30 people to my list and since they will be paying for over half of it, we will probably only be able to get them to trim out 6-8 people.

 

I want to cut out my cousins who live in the midwest and do a reception there later on, but I don't want to cut ALL of my cousins because I am close to some of them, but then how do you invite one cousin but not their siblings? Unfortunately, we either have to cut some anyway, or hope that most of the cousins won't make it because of cost.

 

Finally, we both have a lot of work colleagues that we would otherwise cut out altogether, except for the fact that I am a partner in a small firm, and in a small tight knit industry in my city, and it would be a bad career move to not invite my close colleagues there. Plus I am close to most of them and would like them to attend. And all are married.

 

Like I said, we will be making some tough decisions because we simply have to cut down the list. It's going to feel awful to not invite certain friends/colleagues/family but it's for these reasons that I hope that the single friends who remain on our list will understand that we aren't able to accommodate a "plus one" for them.

[Crazy Magnet]

Yes, people add up very fast. The next time around, if they aren't on my "favorites" list on my iPhone, which are the only people I talk to on a regular basis, I'm not inviting them! lol

[Star Gazer]

Finally, we both have a lot of work colleagues that we would otherwise cut out altogether, except for the fact that I am a partner in a small firm, and in a small tight knit industry in my city, and it would be a bad career move to not invite my close colleagues there. Plus I am close to most of them and would like them to attend. And all are married.

 

I can definitely relate to this. Including the truly important people at my firm, and their spouses, would require an additional 30-40 invites.

 

And I see how you get so many people on your list. If I followed the same guidelines, I'd have just as many people. I guess my question was more along the lines of, do you really feel close to that many people? That they're important to you, as opposed to feeling like you should invite them/are obligated to do so (as in the firm example)?

 

I'm SO going to have a small destination wedding. Cuts out a lot of the "list" hassle.

[sunshinegirl]

I can definitely relate to this. Including the truly important people at my firm, and their spouses, would require an additional 30-40 invites.

 

And I see how you get so many people on your list. If I followed the same guidelines, I'd have just as many people. I guess my question was more along the lines of, do you really feel close to that many people? That they're important to you, as opposed to feeling like you should invite them/are obligated to do so (as in the firm example)?

 

I'm SO going to have a small destination wedding. Cuts out a lot of the "list" hassle.

 

It may seem hard to believe, but I feel close to nearly all of the people on my list. Yes, there are a few obligatory work ones (I can't very well not invite the partner I get along least well with, when I am inviting all five other partners), and some obligatory parental ones (I hope my parents will willingly agree to cut out the 5 people on their list that I've never even met). I hope also to cut out some cousins that I haven't seen in years.

 

Still, that leaves me with 126, the vast majority of whom are people I love and have been close to in the last 5 years.

 

It's gonna be tough to further cut the list, but I think it's just going to have to be done.

 

Oh - to be on topic - 17 of those are singles (13 women, 4 men) and there is just no way we have space for them to bring dates.

Edited April 15, 2010 by sunshinegirl

[Mary3]

I would either do a small runaway wedding on the beach with just me and fiance and maybe a few close friends if I did not have alot of money to go around....

 

Or if I did have more money to go around, I would invite with the strong assumption that person will bring a husband/wife/partner or bf/gf.

 

At my wedding we did assume that each person would not want to come alone.

 

To assume that weddings are places that singles pick up dates is not correct. Weddings are all about the bride and groom and their celebration.

 

You also have the liquor hit. We paid $ 500 for the bar and assumed we likely would pay a little more once it went to Cash Bar. We told the bartender to notify us when the tab was low so we gave him some more money. Not to mention EVERYONE was tipping the bartender because the liquor was free. ( free for them anyway , lol )

 

Its like this : Would you go into a restauraunt if you could not afford a fair tip for the server ? The same applies for a wedding. Would you have a wedding where you could not afford your invitee's date ?

[Star Gazer]

Still, that leaves me with 126, the vast majority of whom are people I love and have been close to in the last 5 years.

 

126 is WAY different than 250-300!

 

So how are YOU dealing with not inviting the singles' dates?

[sunshinegirl]

126 is WAY different than 250-300!

 

So how are YOU dealing with not inviting the singles' dates?

 

My fiance has 186 on his list!! He's whittled it down quite a bit, but TOGETHER we have 250+.

 

None of the singles on my list are seeing anyone seriously - if they were, of course we would invite their SO. And all of the singles know others who will be there...so I guess I don't feel like there's much to "handle". IMO, bringing a date to a wedding isn't an entitlement or a right and I don't think any of my single friends think so either. But I'm also perfectly willing to explain the constraints we're under if anyone asks or has a strange reaction to not seeing a "plus one" on their invitation. I guess of all the things that can be stressful in wedding planning, the "plus one" dilemma isn't all that high on my "stress-causing" list.

Edited April 17, 2010 by sunshinegirl