Interesting sex info from counselling...

[Luv2dance]

My husband and I just had our first MC session and mostly it was a get to know you session however b/c sex is one of our issues she did talk a little about it. And remembering all the threads here I thought I would share the info...

 

I am the one with the bigger appetite so she mentioned that this really isn't as uncommon as we think however most women just don't chat about it with their girlfriends like the ones being always attacked by the husbands. She thinks it is a combination of background, personalitly and testosterone levels that determines the libido.

 

The thing I thought was most interesting was the fact that when you have an orgasam is releases oxytocin which creates a connection with the other person. Therefore, if you are in a "sexless" marriage and not getting that release it is very easy to lose the connection. She said studies show that there are even links to boys who masturbate to porn often are the ones who have porn addictions as adults b/c they have formed a connection.

 

So it would seem very hard to create a happy connected environment in these sexless marriages...which I know you have all figured out

 

As far as the session and my marriage, I am slightly hopeful that it will help. I told her my goal was to help me want to want him and I don't know if that is possible or not.

[Lindsey]

I am the one with the bigger appetite so she mentioned that this really isn't as uncommon as we think however most women just don't chat about it with their girlfriends like the ones being always attacked by the husbands. She thinks it is a combination of background, personalitly and testosterone levels that determines the libido.

 

The thing I thought was most interesting was the fact that when you have an orgasam is releases oxytocin which creates a connection with the other person. Therefore, if you are in a "sexless" marriage and not getting that release it is very easy to lose the connection. She said studies show that there are even links to boys who masturbate to porn often are the ones who have porn addictions as adults b/c they have formed a connection.

From personal experience I totall agree with both of these points!

[Spark1111]

There is a lot of research about how woman should abstain for at least three months in a dating relationship so they can ascertain a man's character before bedding him.

 

Why?

 

Because if she orgasms with him before ascertaining his character, she never will.

 

Oxytocin, released during the female orgasm, is like heroin and it skews or distorts our perceptions and our ability to see a man's character clearly.

 

Yes, good sex is extremely important to keeping a woman emotionally connected to a man.

[Fouts]

Counselling isn't going to make you want him physically anymore than you already do. It may help you recognize things you do like about him, that you've overlooked or forgotten about and make you feel more attracted to him in general though.

 

Counselling can help some couples, but the therapist is really only going to get the obvious issues out in the open and see if they can get the both of you to work on fixing them. Most couples can recognize this and attempt to do it on their own, but sometimes a 3rd party can help. Just don't wait for any magic to happen.

[2sure]

Yes, good sex is extremely important to keeping a woman emotionally connected to a man.

 

THIS is , I think, the root of many of my own problems past and present.

 

I just dont care about it right now. But I have to remember this.

[OWoman]

There is a lot of research about how woman should abstain for at least three months in a dating relationship so they can ascertain a man's character before bedding him.

 

Why?

 

Because if she orgasms with him before ascertaining his character, she never will.

 

Oxytocin, released during the female orgasm, is like heroin and it skews or distorts our perceptions and our ability to see a man's character clearly.

 

I don't date, but I always check out potential partners VERY thoroughly before making my move. I've never thought of it as having to do with oxytocin though - more to do with any latent mental health issues they may be hiding, or any skeletons in the cupboard I might need to know about, or such.

 

On the oxytocin thing, though - that would imply that every time a woman had an orgasm, she'd want to keep the guy who gave it to her. That's not my experience at all - most of my Rs I couldn't leap up and rush away fast enough once I'd gotten my rocks off. I reckon my oxytocin glands must be broken

[giotto]

My husband and I just had our first MC session and mostly it was a get to know you session however b/c sex is one of our issues she did talk a little about it.

 

 

I hope she keeps talking about it because, despite the fact that sex was for me the ONLY reason I was in MC with my wife, we talked very little about it... guess what? We didn't get anywhere...

[Tropic]

I agree with OWoman.

 

I think sex helps couples bond, and that oxytocin helps form an attachment, but I think it is accumulative or not that big an attachment based solely on an orgasm. I think the attachment depends on the emotional bonding and intimacy that MAY come from sex.

 

If not, I would have also liked to keep all the guys who have made me orgasm, and that is not the case:eek:

[Luv2dance]

Counselling isn't going to make you want him physically anymore than you already do. It may help you recognize things you do like about him, that you've overlooked or forgotten about and make you feel more attracted to him in general though.

 

Counselling can help some couples, but the therapist is really only going to get the obvious issues out in the open and see if they can get the both of you to work on fixing them. Most couples can recognize this and attempt to do it on their own, but sometimes a 3rd party can help. Just don't wait for any magic to happen.

 

I do realize that the MC is not going to create miracles if there truley is no attraction there but I do think it can help me sort out some other issues that in turn will make things clearer for me. I am not good at confrontation and MH is even worse so we have not been very successful in deaing with issues on our on. He is just so content with life as we know it and so used to just going with the flow I am not sure he even knows how to express his feelings.

 

On the oxytocin thing, though - that would imply that every time a woman had an orgasm, she'd want to keep the guy who gave it to her. That's not my experience at all - most of my Rs I couldn't leap up and rush away fast enough once I'd gotten my rocks off. I reckon my oxytocin glands must be broken

Well, I am not sure it happens instantly, but I guess if there is a connection it helps keep it there ?? I am sure some of us are better than others at ignoring that oxytocin.

 

I hope she keeps talking about it because, despite the fact that sex was for me the ONLY reason I was in MC with my wife, we talked very little about it... guess what? We didn't get anywhere...

 

I hope we can keep it in the disscussion b/c while we aren't sexless we have libido variances and different erotic wants.

[OWoman]

I hope we can keep it in the disscussion b/c while we aren't sexless we have libido variances and different erotic wants.

 

So long as it isn't always one person doing the compromising...

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Counselling isn't going to make you want him physically anymore than you already do. It may help you recognize things you do like about him, that you've overlooked or forgotten about and make you feel more attracted to him in general though.

 

Exactly...

 

Counseling can definitely help with the emotional, spirtual, intimate connection part of sex that is far more important (at least as we mature) than the basic physical attraction. Counseling can also help change one or both partners points of view on important matters in the marriage, allowing intimacy and closeness to resume, naturally leading to more and/or better sex...

[Samantha0905]

I do realize that the MC is not going to create miracles if there truley is no attraction there but I do think it can help me sort out some other issues that in turn will make things clearer for me. I am not good at confrontation and MH is even worse so we have not been very successful in deaing with issues on our on. He is just so content with life as we know it and so used to just going with the flow I am not sure he even knows how to express his feelings.

 

As you know, I'm in the same boat with sexual attraction not being there toward my husband. As for your husband's lack of ability to express emotion, is he getting any individual counseling? I'm not sure if it will help or not, but my husband went to his first session and the counselor told him he had obvious problems expressing his emotions. He suggested my husband start an "emotions journal." My husband woke up today to write in it and called me laughing to say he didn't have any emotions to express so what does he write? I told him over time I suppose he will figure it out. In fairness to him, it must be a difficult task for a not very communicative person to sit down and to spill his emotions in writing.

 

He said to me during the counseling session he felt like the talking went on and on and on.... He said he kept wondering when it was ever going to be over. At the end of my counseling sessions I'm always thinking, "The hour is over already?!" Not trying to be sexist, but maybe that's a big difference that is there between a lot of men and women.

 

Oh -- and my husband is in the being content boat also. If we just threw in sex every Saturday night, he'd be perfectly happy. Not knocking him, but that doesn't work real well unless both parties are happy with the arrangement.

 

I cringed when he told me the counselor suggested he read, "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" and "The Five Love Languages." I guess it's a start.

 

I'm glad the two of you are getting counseling. It's a big step if you've told him you aren't sexually attracted to him. I told my husband also. It has to be damaging, but how do you get anywhere if you don't speak up as to the issues at hand? I hope something can be figured out that ends up with both of you being happy. I am somewhat skeptical, for myself, as to how passionate desire/attraction can come about if it's not there. I suppose all that can be done is to work on things and see what happens.

[Luv2dance]

Exactly...

 

Counseling can definitely help with the emotional, spirtual, intimate connection part of sex that is far more important (at least as we mature) than the basic physical attraction. Counseling can also help change one or both partners points of view on important matters in the marriage, allowing intimacy and closeness to resume, naturally leading to more and/or better sex...

 

This would be what I am hoping can happen!

 

I'm glad the two of you are getting counseling. It's a big step if you've told him you aren't sexually attracted to him. I told my husband also. It has to be damaging, but how do you get anywhere if you don't speak up as to the issues at hand? I hope something can be figured out that ends up with both of you being happy. I am somewhat skeptical, for myself, as to how passionate desire/attraction can come about if it's not there. I suppose all that can be done is to work on things and see what happens.

 

He has been very hurt by the fact that I am not attracted to him and I completely understand that and would expect it. He was not very vocal during the session so it will be interesting to see how is individual session goes. He always just goes back to how he wants me to be happy! It's almost like he is trying too hard now and becoming clingy...sigh

[Samantha0905]

 

 

 

He has been very hurt by the fact that I am not attracted to him and I completely understand that and would expect it. He was not very vocal during the session so it will be interesting to see how is individual session goes. He always just goes back to how he wants me to be happy! It's almost like he is trying too hard now and becoming clingy...sigh

 

That's happening here also.

[shadowofman]

Oxytocin is a very important pair-bonding component, but don't let it's importance mistake you. It is a mind altering substance no different than any other drug one might consume. Except that your body creates it for personal use so it somehow avoids the scrutiny and stigma that external drug sources have. Oxytocin has a strong release in the orgasm, but it also effects your brain from simple , non-sexual interactions. Looking at your best friend is likely to trigger a release. As well as a child, a sibling, a parent. This is a reason that relationships can be so complex. We often can not help how we feel, the degree we feel it. It proves that there is no difference between the love you feel for a relative, and the love you feel for a lover. Only different degrees of intoxication, and cultural learned behaviors about who is acceptable to be sexually active with. In the case of a sexless marriage, you can easily experience strong emotional bonds without sexual relations, but sex with help to boost bonding like a drug. In some relationships, that the only bond some people have.

[Bill13]

Being in the same situation. I can sort of see it from both perspectives, although i do not want to accept it mentally, I suppose i am physically. I would have to say that guys are wired different (not wanting to sound sexist or anything along that line). Highly unlikely he's going to spill his guts to the MC even in private. Why? Its like having your manhood or another intangible part that you cant explain, taken away from you, not just the sexual part, but more so the emotional part. What do i feel, sad, rejected, hurt, and a totally shattered confidence level, on anything from socializing to work, and anything in between. And when you feel that way you try to substitute other things (for example hobbies/woodworking etc), but even that doesnt help, the thoughts of not being complete are still there, and dwell with you every passing minute, sometimes consuming you more than other times.

I don't believe any amount of MC will change the feeling one is experiencing, maybe you can subdue them to a certain degree but they are still there and always will be. Although this is not a solution to anything, perhaps you can understand it from another ones perspective of what they are feeling and going through.

[FarmGirl]

There is a lot of research about how woman should abstain for at least three months in a dating relationship so they can ascertain a man's character before bedding him.

 

Why?

 

Because if she orgasms with him before ascertaining his character, she never will.

 

Oxytocin, released during the female orgasm, is like heroin and it skews or distorts our perceptions and our ability to see a man's character clearly.

 

Yes, good sex is extremely important to keeping a woman emotionally connected to a man.

 

 

WHOA!!! If I ever get out of this mess I am in and into another relationship I'll wait those 3 months just to be sure!

[dreamingoftigers]

OMG Farmgirl I hope you get out of that mess,

 

This is the most painful thing in the world