EricaH329 Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 This is the first time this has ever happened to me with my most current ex. I broke up with him a week and a half ago because of his degrading, selfish ways. Anytime I think about him, I get this intense feeling of disgust and hatred. It's so hard for me to remember the good times anymore. I'm so incredibly angry with him, and it seems as though this feeling will never go away. I don't miss him, don't want him back, don't even know why I stuck around as long as I did. Ugh Is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Is this normal? Yes, I went through a similar anger phase a while back...but after a while it dies down...until you stop thinking about them altogether... It'll get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 Yes, I went through a similar anger phase a while back...but after a while it dies down...until you stop thinking about them altogether... It'll get better. Oh i'm definitely familiar with the anger phase. Him and I broke up, well, this is the fourth time. And every time I would go through the anger phase. But this doesn't feel anything like it used to. This is very, very intense. I don't think i've ever felt this way about anyone before. Link to post Share on other sites
Rearden Metal Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I SHOULD feel that way, knowing what I know about my ex. But mostly I just feel angry/sad/upset. I can totally see how disgust is a normal feeling, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 (edited) It's very normal and I've had other people tell me they have felt that towards people that hurt them. I feel this way about my current ex. If he crosses my mind I feel almost everything boiling inside of me. I really truly hate this person with all my might. I have never in my life felt like this about anybody. The only thing that makes me happy is when I hear bad things happen to him. I feel a little guilt for this but have no idea how to stop that feeling. The more time passes the more I hate him and the more he grosses me out. It’s like I can’t take enough showers to wash him off of me. I feel violated when I think that I ever let him touch me. My friend tells me that it's actually anger with myself that I'm feeling. I guess in a way it is because I feel duped. He presented himself as a completely different person to me than what he turned out to be. I fell in love with a person that doesn’t even exist, someone who was living a completely different life behind my back. A person that would confide in me about things that really bothered him and come to find out he was doing all those things. I feel like a fool for ever trusting a word out of his mouth and for opening myself up to a dirty, psychotic, creepy, liar. I always thought I was better at reading people and it makes me very angry that I was too dumb to see what was going on for all those years. The fact that my friends let things slip about stuff he did just intensifies this for me. He's changed the way I look at relationships and trust and love. I didn't know people were capable of being as creepy as this guy and now I question everyone's motives. I hate being like that. He took what was left of my innocence and has turned me into a bitter old lady and he’s totally laughing at that telling people how proud he is of having that power. I hope one day this will change because it's a hard burden to carry. :mad::mad::mad::mad: X 1000000000000 Edited March 23, 2010 by Ilovecake Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Oh, I've been down this road, and in fact, am still on it! There is NOTHING in this world like the feeling of being on the edge of hurting someone through anger. The rage and anger and loss and pain all roll into one and it sits there boiling. Even today when I think about the lies that have been told and it has taken lots of deep breaths and boxing and drinking and forcing the thoughts out of my head to overcome it. I've even heard he was scared about what I might do to him (co-worker who got into a relationship with my then girlfriend behind my back). And he still should be. I am by far not any where close to being able to associate with him, even at work and my ability to control myself is confined to this building. He should run if I I come across him outside of work. But over time, it has lessened. I will admit. Hate is still there but the burning desire to do anything about it is going down. Keep at it and you will overcome this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 Rearden Metal2716756 -- I think after you get to a point of being hurt too much, too often, and with no regret or remorse on their part... it turns into disgust. I can't believe i've allowed myself to get to this point. Ilovecake2716801 -- Oh my goodness, I feel like I could have written every single word that you just posted! Hindsight is really kicking my @$$ right now! All of the little things he used to do when our relationship was great, I should have paid more attention to. I'm angry at myself for not seeing them and acknowledging them earlier. I feel like i've walked myself into my own trap. But there is NO excuse what-so-ever for a human being treating another human being that they supposedly 'love' and 'care for' in a manner that's anything but respectful. My ex has gone so far beyond disrespect, it makes me sick to think about it. The only way that you and I are different, is that I see every person as their own individual. Yes, this guy that was my first love hurt me so badly that there will never be a chance of him and I getting back together, but I know that not everyone is like him. And I do blame myself, in the way that I allowed him to continue to hurt me, and I allowed myself to overlook the most critical aspects of his character. cdt762716888 -- I don't want to hurt him, and I don't wish ill-will against him. I actually feel bad for him. Because he will never, ever have a healthy relationship, or a woman treat him the way that I did. Because no woman in their right mind would allow a guy to treat them the way that he treated me. Poor guy, he'll never have a decent relationship. That said, GOOD FOR HIM! Karma is b*tch, and you get what you deserve in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Bleed Internal Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I've broken NC so many times when I hit this phase. I'll call her to remind her how much of a lying, selfish, slut she is. Of course, this always backfires and I'm trying my best to maintain my current bout of NC. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I was cleaning out my closet yesterday and found an old letter that my ex had sent me. It said that she wanted to be the father of my children, she would never leave me and we would always talk everything out. I know how you feel. What used to be hurt and so much pain has turned into controlled anger and disgust. But as Hokie had said above, it is just a phase. There's no doubt that you will grow stronger from this. I know what I want and what I need now more than ever. And you know my story, I've been through a ton of nonsense as well. We just become bigger, better, stronger, wiser models of ourselves. And it will make our next relationship that much sweeter and more importantly smoother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 I've broken NC so many times when I hit this phase. I'll call her to remind her how much of a lying, selfish, slut she is. Of course, this always backfires and I'm trying my best to maintain my current bout of NC. Good luck to you. The thing is, there is no part of me that wants to contact him at all. I was actually thinking about this in the shower (I do most of my thinking there ), that if he were to contact me, I would have to tell him that any discussion between him and I will have to wait a few months. Until i'm able to talk to him calmly. The things I would say to him, I feel, would make me stoop down to his level. It is unnecessary and unproductive for the both of us. He knows what he did wrong. I've told him many times before. And if he didn't listen (which wouldn't be unusual for him), and still doesn't understand the way that he treated me was completely disrespectful on every level, then he has more issues than I can possibly fathom. I was cleaning out my closet yesterday and found an old letter that my ex had sent me. It said that she wanted to be the father of my children, she would never leave me and we would always talk everything out. I know how you feel. What used to be hurt and so much pain has turned into controlled anger and disgust. But as Hokie had said above, it is just a phase. There's no doubt that you will grow stronger from this. I know what I want and what I need now more than ever. And you know my story, I've been through a ton of nonsense as well. We just become bigger, better, stronger, wiser models of ourselves. And it will make our next relationship that much sweeter and more importantly smoother. I've never been to these depths of anger, hatred, disgust, etc. before in my life. The only time I feel them, is when the thought of him occurs. I do remember looking back at letters he had written me, promises he had made that he broke, the other times we had broken up. I felt angry that he would betray me like that. This feeling, however, is much different from that. I was going into depression and he wouldn't call me to see how I was doing, when I told him about this depression he made jokes, told me that I was crazy, that it's all in my head, that everything wrong that happens in our relationship is my fault, that if I didn't act the way that I do that everything would be fine. The things he has said to me, my worst enemy has never said to me. And he claimed to love me! THE AUDACITY!!! Ok... going for a walk... need to calm down.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I've broken NC so many times when I hit this phase. I'll call her to remind her how much of a lying, selfish, slut she is. Of course, this always backfires and I'm trying my best to maintain my current bout of NC. Good luck to you. I'm so sorry but this made me laugh. I just imagine the phone call. "Hi, hope everything is well. Just wanted to check in and tell you what a lying, selfish slut you are. OK talk to you next month." Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 It said that she wanted to be the father of my children, she would never leave me and we would always talk everything out. did you explain that is biologically impossible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 I'm so sorry but this made me laugh. I just imagine the phone call. "Hi, hope everything is well. Just wanted to check in and tell you what a lying, selfish slut you are. OK talk to you next month." :lmao: That's just what I needed. Since the walk is out of the question because of the rain. did you explain that is biologically impossible? It's a nice thought, though. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 did you explain that is biologically impossible? Just shows that I would've believed anything at the time when I was blinded by love. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 see we don't need those losers, we can just entertain ourselves. (at their expense of course) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 see we don't need those losers, we can just entertain ourselves. (at their expense of course) Oh, we most definitely don't need them. And I feel bad for anyone who does! I can't wait for the day that I can sit around and make fun of my ex. For now, though, all I can do is stew in my anger and resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 If it helps, until then you're more than welcome to make fun of my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
thepulse27 Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 I know this feeling so well. It's been gone for the last few days, with good reason, but that doesn't mean it won't come back. I know the uncontrollable disgust at thinking how could someone POSSIBLY treat another human being this way. And not just any human being, the person they supposedly loved, cared for, their closest friend, the one that gave more for them than anyone else ever has. The only shred of goodness about this feeling is that I think, like everything else, it will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Share Posted March 24, 2010 If it helps, until then you're more than welcome to make fun of my ex. Thanks for the offer! I might need to take you up on that sometime I know this feeling so well. It's been gone for the last few days, with good reason, but that doesn't mean it won't come back. I know the uncontrollable disgust at thinking how could someone POSSIBLY treat another human being this way. And not just any human being, the person they supposedly loved, cared for, their closest friend, the one that gave more for them than anyone else ever has. The only shred of goodness about this feeling is that I think, like everything else, it will pass. Yes! Exactly! And it goes so much further than just anger, i'm not sure there is a word to describe the emotion. But it's intense! As for this feeling passing, i'm not sure if I want it to. To be honest, i'm terrified that if it passes, i'll quickly forget the reasons as to why I was mad in the first place and begin only remembering the good times. Luckily for me, I think ahead. I've saved both of the conversations that him and I had right before I broke up with him, and if I ever need any sort of reminder (which I won't anytime soon), I can always take a look at them. I would also like to point out, that I was at my lowest when I broke up with him. Not only did he push me further down, but he made my depression that much worse. After breaking up with him, there was a massive sense of relief. Everything seems bareable again. I can think much clearly and my stress level has reduced by a ton. I think that just goes to show how much of a negative impact he has had on me. Hopefully that'll keep me far, far away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 there is NO excuse what-so-ever for a human being treating another human being that they supposedly 'love' and 'care for' in a manner that's anything but respectful. My ex has gone so far beyond disrespect, it makes me sick to think about it. This is good insight, and also a reason why, after 4 times of getting back together with him, it's time for YOU to take control and end it for good. Use the anger to your advantage- it will help with no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 (edited) Him and I broke up, well, this is the fourth time. But there is NO excuse what-so-ever for a human being treating another human being that they supposedly 'love' and 'care for' in a manner that's anything but respectful. My ex has gone so far beyond disrespect, it makes me sick to think about it. Do you think there is any correlation between those two events? . Edited March 24, 2010 by GrayClouds d-lish you beat me to it Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Oh I definitely have an ex who makes me feel disgusted! I was totally snowed by him and thought he was so charming at first, then he broke up with me, then I found out a lot of stuff about him that made me wish I'd been the one to dump HIM. Ew ew ew. I wouldn't touch him with a million-foot pole triple-wrapped in condoms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted March 24, 2010 Author Share Posted March 24, 2010 This is good insight, and also a reason why, after 4 times of getting back together with him, it's time for YOU to take control and end it for good. Use the anger to your advantage- it will help with no contact. Yes, you are definitely right! My anger is the main thing driving me right now. I'm not sure if that's healthy or not, but it's keeping me far away from him so I can't complain. Do you think there is any correlation between those two events? I'm not quite sure what you are referring to. But two things come to mind after you said that. 1- Because I have always gone back to him, even after he has treated me like dirt, i'm sure he assumes that he can treat me however he would like and I will either stick around, or end up back with him. HA -- jokes on him. 2- Because of the fact that he has always broken up with me, even when he was the one treating me poorly, he might also assume that I would never pull the plug and break up with him. Again... jokes on him. Oh I definitely have an ex who makes me feel disgusted! I was totally snowed by him and thought he was so charming at first, then he broke up with me, then I found out a lot of stuff about him that made me wish I'd been the one to dump HIM. Ew ew ew. I wouldn't touch him with a million-foot pole triple-wrapped in condoms. That's priceless! Doesn't it make your skin crawl at the thought that you've actually allowed this person to touch you in ways that would have never been allowed, had you known what kind of person he really was? Yuck! I was listening to this song earlier today, one that he had posted after he broke up with me for the first time. It's very obnoxious, and any other time I listened to it, I would laugh. But there is this one line in the song, 'It's not my job to f*ck you on your birthday, anymore.' Literally made me cringe. Ew. The thought of him touching me in any way grosses me out, let alone having sex with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 'It's not my job to f*ck you on your birthday, anymore.' Wow that's creepy. As you guys already know my ex dumped me on my birthday. That morning we woke up and did the nookie. He didn't even bother to say happy birthday to me. Back story he completely ignored my birthday the previous year and I was so upset he actually freaked out and went out and bought me a bunch of presents that night and even cried saying he didn’t realize that it was important to me, even though for two weeks I was jumping up and down going “it’s my birthday soon woo hoo”. Needless to say he knew if he ruined yet another birthday for me it was over, so when I didn't even get a happy b-day I knew something was up. He spent the whole day in front of the TV hardly talking to me. I finally said “so what's up with ignoring my birthday again?” Do you know what his response to me was? I quote "What the hell do you want? I let you touch my d.ck". Three hours later I was told he no longer loves me and I need to move out. Repulsive, heartless human being. Link to post Share on other sites
Malenfant Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 breaking up is so much easier if you're really disgusted by the other person in the end, because you know you're 100% right. So much more difficult to end it on good terms. Link to post Share on other sites
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