Intense feeling of disgust

[EricaH329]

I thought I would keep this thread as a log of sorts. To help put my emotions about this situation into perspective.

 

It's been 3 1/2 weeks since I broke up with him. The anger/disgust/hatred, etc. are still very much alive and kicking. Yesterday, however, I was really really bored and his name popped into my head. There was a tiny bit of pain associated with the thought of him this time. Not sadness, or nostalgia... but more of the type of pain that comes along with being betrayed and hurt. I did pass it off as nothing, though. And as quickly as his name entered my mind, it passed.

 

Today, my mother had asked me for my bank account information for taxes. I was digging through some paperwork that I had stored when I moved out of my ex's house. I came across his letters that he sent me from bootcamp. I began reading through the first one, without much of a reaction. It struck me as odd that I wouldn't have any feelings associated with the letter, but there wasn't much in the first one.

 

I got half way down the second letter, and came across the words, 'I love you so much. I will never leave you. I promise that I will do everything in my power to make this work between us. You mean more to me than anyone ever has. You are the most amazing woman in the entire world, and I love you to death. One day, we will get married and have children and live in a nice house and be happy.'

 

As soon as I got to the very end of the paragraph, a tear slid down my cheek and I threw the stack of letters across the room. It all happened so fast, that I quickly asked myself why I was reacting in this manner.

 

It became very obvious to me. That person is the man that I fell in love with. That person was the man that made me feel appreciated every single day I was with him, and proved his love to me in any way he could. He is not that man anymore. He is the complete opposite. I am angry about that! Furious! How can someone go from being so loving and caring, to an unemotional, emotionally abusive human being? And how the hell did I fall for it?!

 

It left me feeling drained. Very drained. I picked up the letters and put them back where I had them and continued on with what I was doing. I cannot allow myself to become consumed with this. I have been doing a great job of putting all of this behind me, and I need to continue to do so.

[Odyssey]

Hey Erica, 3.5 weeks ago since you broke up with him?!? Is this the same ex that you've been trying to move on from? (sorry, i just noticed this post).

 

Why did you go back to him again?

[skydiveaddict]

Aww Erica, I know you are doing well.. But seeing those letters had to hurt. I know you will be ok. Just dont turn out like me sda

[EricaH329]

Hey Erica, 3.5 weeks ago since you broke up with him?!? Is this the same ex that you've been trying to move on from? (sorry, i just noticed this post).

 

Why did you go back to him again?

 

He came back to me promising that he would do everything he could to make us work, and that he felt as though this was our last chance of making something work between us. I gave him a month to prove to me that he was willing to put forth the effort (i'd like to throw out there that a month wasn't pre-planned, it just happened to be when I felt as though he had proven himself).

 

Every time him and I have gotten back together, in the beginning it's great... but then he has become progressively worse each time. This time, was it for me. He stooped so low. I wouldn't take that sort of treatment from anyone. So I broke it off, for the last time. I don't want to be with him, I don't miss him. It actually feels over for the first time ever.

 

Aww Erica, I know you are doing well.. But seeing those letters had to hurt. I know you will be ok. Just dont turn out like me sda

 

Aw Skydive, you aren't so bad And yeah, i'm doing great actually. I just have my moments. But they don't make me want him back or anything like that. Right now i'm just struggling with... how do I say this... putting my emotions into the correct place they should be. I've already begun doing this, and I believe i've been doing a pretty good job. It's kinda like, after the break-up, my emotions were finally out in the open for me to truly feel. They all became much more clear. Now I need to figure out where they belong in my life, and how to separate them from the life that i'm about to lead now.

 

If that makes any sense. I can't quite explain it.

[skydiveaddict]

 

 

 

l. They all became much more clear. Now I need to figure out where they belong in my life, and how to separate them from the life that i'm about to lead now.

 

If that makes any sense. I can't quite explain it.

 

 

yes it makes perfect sense. I wish my life were more like yours rather than an open deathwish

[EricaH329]

yes it makes perfect sense. I wish my life were more like yours rather than an open deathwish

 

The grass isn't always greener You know, i'm sure you've heard this about a million times before, but you are the only person that is capable of changing things. It's all about perspective. You're a smart man though, i'm sure you know this already.

[skydiveaddict]

You give me too much credit. I'm not that smart, but thank you

[EricaH329]

You give me too much credit. I'm not that smart, but thank you

 

See, but I don't think you give yourself enough credit.

 

Well... actually... you do jump out of airplanes....

 

[skydiveaddict]

See, but I don't think you give yourself enough credit.

 

Well... actually... you do jump out of airplanes....

 

lol.................true!

[paperchase]

Hey Erica, is there a thread where I can get a bit more history on your situation? How many second chances, how long did they each last and how did the most recent one end? You say he stooped low. I'm sure he did.

 

Also, I can identify with difficulty in reconciling who they once were with who they now are. Trying to figure out how it happened is mind numbing and impossible to pinpoint. I doesn't happen overnight but once it does it's pretty hard to reverse as evidenced by how few of us get second chances and how few of those second chances last.

[EricaH329]

Hey Erica, is there a thread where I can get a bit more history on your situation? How many second chances, how long did they each last and how did the most recent one end? You say he stooped low. I'm sure he did.

 

Also, I can identify with difficulty in reconciling who they once were with who they now are. Trying to figure out how it happened is mind numbing and impossible to pinpoint. I doesn't happen overnight but once it does it's pretty hard to reverse as evidenced by how few of us get second chances and how few of those second chances last.

 

Oh geez, there are tonnns of threads that i've started referring to him and our relationship. If you'd like, you can take a look at the threads i've posted dating back to the very first one. But, if you don't want to read through all of that, I can give you our relationship in a nutshell:

 

We lived together, everything was great. He left for the military and he changed dramatically. A couple months after getting out of bootcamp we broke up because he was ignoring me. Wouldn't take my phone calls, return them, return my e-mails/texts/etc. The first break up was the hardest on me.

 

We broke up for a month, he came back begging me to be with him again. I took him back. The second time lasted a month. He broke up with me, again. He came back to me after about 2 months this time. We broke up again because he was pulling the same crap, ignoring me/not paying attention to my needs/etc. (I should throw in there that it was more than him just ignoring me, he would take anything I said as a joke and always thought I was over reacting).

 

We were broken up this time for 4 months. He came back in the beginning of Jan. asking to be with me again. I gave him a month to prove himself. We got back together in Feb. a month later. I was the one who broke up with him this time. And it was because everything he had done in the past, he was doing again. And, to top it all off, I tried to bring up the fact that I was becoming depressed and he basically told me that i'm not depressed, i'm just crazy, that everything that happens in our relationship is my fault, it's all in my head, etc. That was the last straw.

 

So now, here I am. I feel great about our break up this time, though. There is no pain except the anger/disgust/hatred he makes me feel about him. He made me feel like absolute crap the past year. Worse than anyone has ever made me feel. I can't respect someone like that. I can't love someone like that.

[EricaH329]

So I just got a message from him on FB saying, "You are really really good looking."

 

I could have sworn I blocked him. As a matter of fact, i've checked every week or so to make sure he was blocked.

 

I don't understand how he sent me a message?!

 

Either way, I responded with, "I don't know how you sent me a message, I blocked you!!" Then I made sure he was blocked. It says that he is blocked!! I don't understand how he is still sending me messages!

[GrayClouds]

 

Either way, I responded...

 

 

 

.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So I just got a message from him on FB saying, "You are really really good looking."

 

I could have sworn I blocked him. As a matter of fact, i've checked every week or so to make sure he was blocked.

 

I don't understand how he sent me a message?!

 

Either way, I responded with, "I don't know how you sent me a message, I blocked you!!" Then I made sure he was blocked. It says that he is blocked!! I don't understand how he is still sending me messages!

 

 

 

Hey, don't try to cloud the issue!!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I got half way down the second letter, and came across the words, 'I love you so much. I will never leave you. I promise that I will do everything in my power to make this work between us. You mean more to me than anyone ever has. You are the most amazing woman in the entire world, and I love you to death. One day, we will get married and have children and live in a nice house and be happy.'

 

As soon as I got to the very end of the paragraph, a tear slid down my cheek and I threw the stack of letters across the room. It all happened so fast, that I quickly asked myself why I was reacting in this manner.

 

 

 

 

Alas, you were there, and you seem the sort who deserves all of that, and it gratifies me to know that you got to feel it, as I'm certain you will again...

[Morgued]

We lived together, everything was great. He left for the military and he changed dramatically. A couple months after getting out of bootcamp we broke up because he was ignoring me. Wouldn't take my phone calls, return them, return my e-mails/texts/etc. The first break up was the hardest on me.

 

We broke up for a month, he came back begging me to be with him again. I took him back. The second time lasted a month. He broke up with me, again. He came back to me after about 2 months this time. We broke up again because he was pulling the same crap, ignoring me/not paying attention to my needs/etc. (I should throw in there that it was more than him just ignoring me, he would take anything I said as a joke and always thought I was over reacting).

 

We were broken up this time for 4 months. He came back in the beginning of Jan. asking to be with me again. I gave him a month to prove himself. We got back together in Feb. a month later. I was the one who broke up with him this time. And it was because everything he had done in the past, he was doing again. And, to top it all off, I tried to bring up the fact that I was becoming depressed and he basically told me that i'm not depressed, i'm just crazy, that everything that happens in our relationship is my fault, it's all in my head, etc. That was the last straw.

 

So now, here I am. I feel great about our break up this time, though. There is no pain except the anger/disgust/hatred he makes me feel about him. He made me feel like absolute crap the past year. Worse than anyone has ever made me feel. I can't respect someone like that. I can't love someone like that.

 

 

Hey Erica! Wow now I know what you meant when you said you were going through a similar situation as mine (the first time I posted). In this paticular situation I know what you mean, and to be honest I wish I could feel the same disgust you do for your ex for mine.

 

As for the letters n such, I recently started cleaning my house because i'm moving to another state to start my life over again, and I dug up some old valentines letters from my ex....boy was that fun. It's funny when people write that kinda stuff to you isn't it? "I love you so much", "I'm so happy you're in my life, I don't know what I would do without you." BS....I got that alot, but (looks around)...things have a way of changing don't they?

 

I'm sure i'm probably the last person on here that should be giving you advice, but sometimes it's good to feel the way you do. Maybe this paticular feeling is so strong because it's the last one you'll have for this person...I guess that's to say that you're finally going to be done with him.

 

Well hey, chin up missy.

[EricaH329]

Alas, you were there, and you seem the sort who deserves all of that, and it gratifies me to know that you got to feel it, as I'm certain you will again...

 

Oh absolutely! I am extremely grateful for being able to experience the appreciation I have. As I stated in a previous post, I wouldn't go back and change anything. I am glad that things turned out the way that they did. I've found a sense of self-worth through all of this. I now know what I deserve, and what I do not deserve. Anything less, from this point on, is unacceptable.

 

Plus, i'm having a great time being single and focusing on myself! My (real) friends have been more than supportive and are really proud of me.

 

Hey Erica! Wow now I know what you meant when you said you were going through a similar situation as mine (the first time I posted). In this paticular situation I know what you mean, and to be honest I wish I could feel the same disgust you do for your ex for mine.

 

As for the letters n such, I recently started cleaning my house because i'm moving to another state to start my life over again, and I dug up some old valentines letters from my ex....boy was that fun. It's funny when people write that kinda stuff to you isn't it? "I love you so much", "I'm so happy you're in my life, I don't know what I would do without you." BS....I got that alot, but (looks around)...things have a way of changing don't they?

 

I'm sure i'm probably the last person on here that should be giving you advice, but sometimes it's good to feel the way you do. Maybe this paticular feeling is so strong because it's the last one you'll have for this person...I guess that's to say that you're finally going to be done with him.

 

Well hey, chin up missy.

 

I most certainly appreciate your advice!! And it's always welcome! Thank you!!

 

Yes, things do have a way of changing. But, I believe that's a good thing! We learn more about ourselves, and others that way. Can you imagine a life without change? How boring!

 

I believe that with time, you will feel differently about your ex. The way that I have. Everyone has a breaking point, when enough is enough. You will finally see them for who they really are, and what they have been putting you through.

 

To be honest, as unhealthy as this sounds, i'm encouraging my anger and hatred to remain with me. It's what's keeping me far, far away from him. As time passes, though, I can feel those strong emotions fading. They are becoming weaker, but my thoughts about him are the same. I believe indifference has been starting to take the place of anger, which is just as fine!