Intense feeling of disgust

[paperchase]

EricaH329, as you know from my recent posts I have the backbone of a chocolate eclair when it comes to my ex. To know that you have no need to talk to him is good. I'm not there. I can, however, understand the range of emotions you are having. When I got dumped the first time a year ago I went from devastated to hurt to angry to desperate to devastated...you get the idea. Every day I was someone different and I wrote a different letter each day in a different tone. Thank God I didn't sent them all. I'm pretty sure the stages of recovery aren't linear.

 

Just yesterday I was cursing in my head about how dare she do this or that and how I don't need that in my life and how this is all for the best. Today, I've been pining over her, making excuses for her mistreatment of me and trying to figure out the best way to get a third chance. Be proud of yourself for being farther along than that.

 

As for his mom, niece, facebook, etc. You must delete him. I know it's hard but you must do it. It is a form of communication even if you never communicate directly with him. Eventually, he'll tell his mom you two are no longer an item; that's NOT your job. Ignore her too while you're at it. I know it sounds harsh but that what you should do. I'm on twitter and my ex got me to join. And a few of her friends follow me and vice versa. I haven't posted anything because I feel like whatever I say is a communication to her sort of. She will know what's going on in my life or my head. And if she posts and sounds like she's having fun I'm sure it won't feel good to me. So I'm not logging on and if I find myself logging on to see what she's doing, I'm just deleting my account at that point.

 

Let me just say that you talk a very good game, but as I read this thread it in an inescapable fact that you did have extended contact with him and his mom. More contact than was necessary even if you were doing the bare minimum not to be rude. For example, when he said don't send me messages from my mother, I would have not responded. He said it, and now you know but you don't need to justify your thinking. If you stayed NC he wouldn't know what you thought or whether you cared. But you stroked his ego at least to the extent he knows you remain connected to his family and care that he remain connected to them as well despite how horribly he's treated you.

 

I got divorced a few years ago and it was ugly and costly and her very large family who I thought was mine too all turned their backs on me. It was tough. I used to talk to my then father and law every day for almost a decade and then nothing. Most of our friends were her friends. I was totally alienated. It was tough. I had to go within and build a whole new social network. Eventually it became a source of strength. And not having any contact with her (other than our kids) was a great thing in the end. Remove them all from your life. Do it now. Good luck.

Edited March 27, 2010 by paperchase

[EricaH329]

EricaH329, as you know from my recent posts I have the backbone of a chocolate eclair when it comes to my ex. To know that you have no need to talk to him is good. I'm not there. I can, however, understand the range of emotions you are having. When I got dumped the first time a year ago I went from devastated to hurt to angry to desperate to devastated...you get the idea. Every day I was someone different and I wrote a different letter each day in a different tone. Thank God I didn't sent them all. I'm pretty sure the stages of recovery aren't linear.

 

Just yesterday I was cursing in my head about how dare she do this or that and how I don't need that in my life and how this is all for the best. Today, I've been pining over her, making excuses for her mistreatment of me and trying to figure out the best way to get a third chance. Be proud of yourself for being farther along than that.

 

As for his mom, niece, facebook, etc. You must delete him. I know it's hard but you must do it. It is a form of communication even if you never communicate directly with him. Eventually, he'll tell his mom you two are no longer an item; that's NOT your job. Ignore her too while you're at it. I know it sounds harsh but that what you should do. I'm on twitter and my ex got me to join. And a few of her friends follow me and vice versa. I haven't posted anything because I feel like whatever I say is a communication to her sort of. She will know what's going on in my life or my head. And if she posts and sounds like she's having fun I'm sure it won't feel good to me. So I'm not logging on and if I find myself logging on to see what she's doing, I'm just deleting my account at that point.

 

Let me just say that you talk a very good game, but as I read this thread it in an inescapable fact that you did have extended contact with him and his mom. More contact than was necessary even if you were doing the bare minimum not to be rude. For example, when he said don't send me messages from my mother, I would have not responded. He said it, and now you know but you don't need to justify your thinking. If you stayed NC he wouldn't know what you thought or whether you cared. But you stroked his ego at least to the extent he knows you remain connected to his family and care that he remain connected to them as well despite how horribly he's treated you.

 

I got divorced a few years ago and it was ugly and costly and her very large family who I thought was mine too all turned their backs on me. It was tough. I used to talk to my then father and law every day for almost a decade and then nothing. Most of our friends were her friends. I was totally alienated. It was tough. I had to go within and build a whole new social network. Eventually it became a source of strength. And not having any contact with her (other than our kids) was a great thing in the end. Remove them all from your life. Do it now. Good luck.

 

First i'd like to say thank you for your advice!

 

I'd also like to point out that I have deleted him from everything. FB, AIM, Myspace, etc. I have a feeling that you are getting the wrong impression. I still have his mother on my FB page. In case you didn't get the chance to read what I wrote earlier, my ex and his mother do not talk. They don't get along, and it's been that way for a long time now. So when his mother needs to get ahold of my ex, she goes through me. And vice versa.

 

The whole reason why i'm even dealing with this right now, is because I care about his family a lot. I know that him and his neice are very close, but since his neice is so young (going to be 5 tomorrow!) she cannot get in touch with him. This has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her. I will not deny her the opportunity to talk to her uncle, just because him and I have broken up.

 

It's always been an in-between thing, with his mother and my ex. I feel like I cannot stop now, because of the simple fact that I care a lot about his family. They are both stubborn as hell, and they refuse to talk to eachother. And because of that, I am left in the middle.

 

I sent his mother the e-mail, explaining that him and I are no longer together. She appreciates the fact that I told her, considering he wouldn't and there was no other way for her to find out. He responded to my message, basically forcing me to e-mail his mom in return.

 

Again, I feel like this is a divorce gone wrong. Both of us are trying to be civil and mature. All the while, I am left dealing with the broken peices of their relationship.

[EricaH329]

His mother sent me an e-mail back basically apologizing for not knowing him and I were no longer together. My ex sent me an e-mail saying that he is unable to contact his neice for a specific reason. I contacted his mother and explained this to her.

 

I sent my ex an e-mail, telling him what I told his mother. This is what I sent him:

 

'"Thank you so much! For everything, I really appreciate it!

 

He told me that he broke his sim card somehow, and he cannot get it replaced until Thursday. But he wants you to tell (neices name) that he loves her, and misses her. And he wants you to give her all the kisses and hugs that you possibly can."

 

That's what I sent to your mom. But really, this needs to end. I've already told her that you and I are not together, and I think she gets the point. I will always let you know if she sends me something regarding (neices name) or (nephews name), but besides that... you and her need to figure this out.'

 

EDIT: He didn't tell me to send her that. He only told me that he cannot get his sim card until Thursday. I added in the 'hugs and kisses' part for his behalf.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Sorry to be blunt, but all I see are excuses to prolong any form of contact with your ex.

 

As they say, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference and you still have a long way to go. You are WAY too emotionally involved and are trying to mask your emotions and basically deceive yourself by coating your love in anger and contempt. From an outside persepective it is pretty obvious when people try to BS themselves.

 

Unfortunately, I don't beleive that you are done with this and that you have the strength to close the door for good.

[EricaH329]

I am about to be sick.

 

Him and I just had a wonderful 5 minute conversation through IM. At first, he basically called me all of the made up nicknames he could possibly think of (babypiecutiebunch, etc). I asked him why he was calling me those names, and he told me it was because he wanted a reaction. I told him that he would not recieve one, that the only reason I was communicating with him was because of his neice.

 

The end result of the whole conversation was just as I assumed it would be. He didn't take anything I had to say seriously, and he continued to act as though none of this was real. He told me he would see me when he was on leave, and I told him that this was the end and he would no longer see me, ever again. He didn't believe me. He continued to say that it's my fault that we broke up, and that's when I responded with 'This is exactly why I broke up with you.'

 

Anyway, I checked my messages on FB just now, and this is the response to the previous message I sent him:

 

'o erica the love of my life.... i will not be talking to my mother any time soon. just tell her i blocked you and you have no way of communicating with me.

ttul babe '

 

Again, there is nothing that makes me believe that he understands the seriousness of this situation. Perfect example of why I cannot be with him.

 

The disgust I feel is the same.

[EricaH329]

Sorry to be blunt, but all I see are excuses to prolong any form of contact with your ex.

 

As they say, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference and you still have a long way to go. You are WAY too emotionally involved and are trying to mask your emotions and basically deceive yourself by coating your love in anger and contempt. From an outside persepective it is pretty obvious when people try to BS themselves.

 

Unfortunately, I don't beleive that you are done with this and that you have the strength to close the door for good.

 

I appreciate your input and opinion. However, I feel very differently.

 

I do agree that the opposite of love is indifference. And that is the farthest thing from what I am feeling right now. I feel very angry and hurt. Which I have every right to feel. But just because I love him, does not mean that I have to like him.

 

I don't mind that there aren't many people who believe me when I say that I am done with this relationship. As an outsider, I would question the same thing. But, unlike most that have posted here, I am trying to do the right thing by remaining calm and mature. Even though every ounce of my being wants the complete opposite.

 

I am responding to him, for 2 reasons. The first being that his neice does not deserve this treatment and I do not believe he understands this. I have done my part in that whole situation though, so I am going to move past that.

 

2- Because I have never been able to give him the closure that I feel he needs. He does not understand why I broke up with him, and I just tried telling him why. Because of the fact that he does not seem to care, I will not longer put forth the effort.

 

I feel as though just because I am trying to take the stronger route in this (by explaining to him things) that I am being considered as 'weak' and 'not over him'. I believe that is nonsense. I no longer think of him outside of the e-mails, and I am so much happier than I have been in a long time.

 

I suppose it's really one of those things that you need to be there to understand. Unfortunately.

[nobmagnet]

Erica,

 

 

Just my oppinion...........here goes.........

 

He is still controlling you in your head. It is not your responsibilty to cover for his actions/non actions anymore. Stop smoothing the way for him. Imo you need to sever all contact with all his family if his neice wants to contact you she will but really!!!!!

 

Dont talk to him on IM EVER. There is no need and it just prolongs your healing process. You emotionally are still covering for his inadequases and you need to stop. A narcassist/sociopath/phycopath manipulate the people around them very cleverly so you actually cover for them without realising. Take a step back and see that you are still looking after him.

 

Its no wonder he doesnt believe you dont want him anymore.

 

 

Sorry if thats hash my love:love:

 

nobby xx

[mickleb]

Sorry to be blunt, but all I see are excuses to prolong any form of contact with your ex.

 

As they say, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference and you still have a long way to go. You are WAY too emotionally involved and are trying to mask your emotions and basically deceive yourself by coating your love in anger and contempt. From an outside persepective it is pretty obvious when people try to BS themselves.

 

Unfortunately, I don't beleive that you are done with this and that you have the strength to close the door for good.

 

Despite your lengthy and irked response to this, Erica, I completely agree. Very well put, SadandConfused.

 

x

[GrayClouds]

I am trying to be a civil, adult about this.

 

B.S. your using trying to be civil as an excuse to be involved

This has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her. I will not deny her the opportunity to talk to her uncle, just because him and I have broken up.

You will not deny her???????????????

That is her uncle choice not yours if he want to be in touch with her HE would find a way.

I am responding to him,

because you are choosing to still be involved

 

I sent my ex an e-mail, telling him what I told his mother.

More involvement

 

I am about to be sick.

 

Him and I just had a wonderful 5 minute conversation through IM. At first, he basically called me all of the made up nicknames he could possibly think of (babypiecutiebunch, etc). I asked him why he was calling me those names, and he told me it was because he wanted a reaction.

And now here comes the drama you say you hate.

 

Anyway, I checked my messages on FB just now, and this is the response to the previous message I sent him:

Once again, what part of NC do you not understand? You went from about to be sick to I am

so much happier than I have been in a long time.

in 8 minute, that is not drama?

 

If this is really what you want, that is fine just be honest to yourself about it, and it will be easier for us to give you responses that you want; applauding the show rather then advice that will improve the situation. But do understand you are stronger then this and have the ability to take control in a healthy and productive way.

[HeavenOrHell]

if this is the same guy you've been talking about the last few months I don't get why you got back together?!

[EricaH329]

You emotionally are still covering for his inadequases and you need to stop. A narcassist/sociopath/phycopath manipulate the people around them very cleverly so you actually cover for them without realising. Take a step back and see that you are still looking after him.

 

This hit home the most. I became involved with a guy who treats the people closest to him the absolute worst. I fell in love with his family. His neice and nephew were like my little brother and sister. I love them dearly. And they do not deserve to be treated with the neglect that my ex has been showing.

 

Yes, it's none of my business. But when his mother messages me about them, I feel like it has turned into my business. Regarding them, that is. I know there isn't anything that I can do to make him act differently, but I can at least soften the blow for the innocent children that love him to death.

 

B.S. your using trying to be civil as an excuse to be involved.

 

Wrong. I own up to things when I know that i'm doing them. This statement is incorrect.

 

You will not deny her???????????????

That is her uncle choice not yours if he want to be in touch with her HE would find a way.

 

I'm not sure you understood when I had previously posted that I love his neice and nephew. I love them, I do not just like them. And because of that reason, I want to protect them as best as I can, from far away. If that means that I have to relay a message for them to be able to speak with their uncle, who they look up to, then so be it.

 

Once again, what part of NC do you not understand? You went from about to be sick to I am in 8 minute, that is not drama?

 

And what part of the whole point to this thread do you not understand? I loathe this guy right now. I despise him. The thought of him turns my stomach. Makes me sick. But just because I have these feelings towards one person in my life, doesn't mean that I cannot live a happy life. When I think about him, I feel sick. When I do not think about him, I am happy. Does that clear things up a bit?

 

If this is really what you want, that is fine just be honest to yourself about it, and it will be easier for us to give you responses that you want; applauding the show rather then advice that will improve the situation. But do understand you are stronger then this and have the ability to take control in a healthy and productive way.

 

I'm always honest with myself (to the best of my ability) and i'm always honest on LS. I could have taken the opportunity to try and get back with my ex when he IMed me. Instead, I asked him to please not contact me unless it's regarding his neice and nephew.

 

I do not believe that what I am doing is wrong. This is the way i've decided to go about it. I do not care for my ex, I do not want to be with him, I do not miss him, I really couldn't care less if I ever saw him again.

 

if this is the same guy you've been talking about the last few months I don't get why you got back together?!

 

He came back to me, promising me change. I gave him what I felt to be a sufficient amount of time to prove this to me. After doing so, I took him back. I am now realizing that he didn't really change, he only hid the negative aspects of him. That's why I broke up with him, for the final time.

Edited March 28, 2010 by EricaH329

[thepulse27]

I genuinely believe you Erica, I think you are too self aware to be in denial about any of this. I know you love him, but I know you recognize this has gone too far, and I admire you for getting out and apparently sticking to it. Nobmagnet was right about you still being there for him, but you already know that too.

 

But I think you need to let go of his family. You know the thousands of things that are heartbreaking and completely f**king unfair about breaking up? This is one of them. I know you love them and desperately want them in your life, but while they are, he is. There is no way you can detach them here. Never seeing him again means cutting all ties, and unfortunately that means the good as well as the bad.

[EricaH329]

I genuinely believe you Erica, I think you are too self aware to be in denial about any of this. I know you love him, but I know you recognize this has gone too far, and I admire you for getting out and apparently sticking to it. Nobmagnet was right about you still being there for him, but you already know that too.

 

But I think you need to let go of his family. You know the thousands of things that are heartbreaking and completely f**king unfair about breaking up? This is one of them. I know you love them and desperately want them in your life, but while they are, he is. There is no way you can detach them here. Never seeing him again means cutting all ties, and unfortunately that means the good as well as the bad.

 

Your post is like a breath of fresh air. I appreciate your compassion and understanding more than you know.

 

You are right. It is probably in all of our best interests that I do not contact them anymore. I mean, realistically... I won't really ever be a part of their lives again. I just wanted to hang onto that last hope that I could do something nice for them.

 

I don't think this will be an issue anymore, with his family that is. His mom has apologized and wished me the best.

 

It breaks my heart that not only did I suffer from my ex's uncaring ways, but now his neice and nephew will also. I suppose you are right, that this is just a part of the unfair process. If it were up to me, i'd wish him to stay that way forever, so that maybe one day when he realizes he is all alone... he might just take a good hard look at himself.

 

But more than that, I couldn't wish that on his family. It's really heartbreaking, for everyone involved.

[paperchase]

.... I loathe this guy right now. I despise him. The thought of him turns my stomach. Makes me sick. But just because I have these feelings towards one person in my life, doesn't mean that I cannot live a happy life. When I think about him, I feel sick. When I do not think about him, I am happy. Does that clear things up a bit?.....I do not believe that what I am doing is wrong. This is the way i've decided to go about it. I do not care for my ex, I do not want to be with him, I do not miss him, I really couldn't care less if I ever saw him again.

 

Hi. This quote caught my attention. You loathe and despise him. He makes you sick when you think about him. These are not the words of someone who is detached and has moved on. These are not the words of someone who should remain in contact with any aspect of her relationship with her ex. You cannot say he illicits such a strong response in you and then say you could care less if you ever saw him again. I don't by that.

 

I went through a bitter very long and expensive divorce to a wretched woman who did the most vindictive things you can imagine. I used to hate her. First I was hurt at the betrayal, then I hated her and grew to hate her more during the litigation. At some point I stopped caring altogether and now nothing she says or does surprises or upsets me. She has zero control over my feelings. It was the way I took control of the situation because the court put all the power in her hands and she is a control freak. The entire dynamic of our relationship was one of bickering and arguing and she missed that when we separated. She would try to engage me and she'd succeed. Once I made the change she did not know how to respond. Now she addresses me totally different. I would have gone NC if we didn't have kids.

 

Ok, I'm getting a little off topic. The point is that you still care and as long as you care you are playing with fire by keeping alive any relations that tie you and your ex. He is no longer part of your life. Look, I gave up so much when I got divorced. And it wasn't by choice which in some ways made it better. But just imagine everything you've known for 10 years gets snatched from your hands irreparably and irreversibly in one day. You lose it all and there's no going back, no hanging on, no adjusting to the change. Well that's how it happened and believe it or not, I got over that much quicker than my last GF where I didn't sever anything. And the GF was only a 2 year relationship and we didn't have kids. So with a clean break I got over a 10 year relationship faster than I got over a 2 year relationship where the break was not clean.

 

You've given me great advice and if I were in your shoes you advice to me would undoubtedly be to cut all ties with this man...and you know it.

[EricaH329]

paperchase2724854 --

 

I totally agree with you. About all of it. The opposite of love is indifference. I know this very well. And I am not yet at that stage. But, I think I might have said this before, even though I love him (which I am fully aware of) that does not mean that I have to like him. Eventually, what i'm hoping to achieve, is that as my anger diminishes, so will my love for him.

 

As far as contact with him goes, I am not worried about that. I do not think of him anymore, unless i'm writing on this thread or getting a message from his mother. His name doesn't randomly pop up in my head any longer. I can listen to whatever song, no matter how sad it is, and not think of him. It's only when I make myself think about the horrible way he treated me, do I become angry. Just as anyone else, if you become hurt by them you will get angry. But that anger stage doesn't last forever, and indifference slowly settles in. Which I can actually feel happening.

 

I would like to say, though, that even through the anger I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience. Some of my happiest moments were with him. I was given the opportunity to love someone more than i've ever loved another human being before (besides family, of course). I am certain of the fact that the next time I fall in love, it will be with someone who is right for me. Well... more right than he was at least.

 

But until then, i'm going to focus on myself and do things the way that I want to do them... finally! When I think about the future, I actually get excited! It's a great feeling.

 

Oh... and i'm finally 23 today!!

[mickleb]

Happy Birthday Erica.

 

You're an Aries! (Ditto.)

 

Have a lovely, relaxed day.

 

x

[EricaH329]

Happy Birthday Erica.

 

You're an Aries! (Ditto.)

 

Have a lovely, relaxed day.

 

x

 

Thank you so much! I plan on relaxing tons... before going out to celebrate of course .

[Trimmer]

I genuinely believe you Erica, I think you are too self aware to be in denial about any of this. I know you love him, but I know you recognize this has gone too far, and I admire you for getting out and apparently sticking to it. Nobmagnet was right about you still being there for him, but you already know that too.

 

But I think you need to let go of his family. You know the thousands of things that are heartbreaking and completely f**king unfair about breaking up? This is one of them. I know you love them and desperately want them in your life, but while they are, he is. There is no way you can detach them here. Never seeing him again means cutting all ties, and unfortunately that means the good as well as the bad.

I agree with this. I understand the love and connection you feel with those kids, but you are not "denying" them anything - they are subject to the pathologies of the family they were dealt. Unless you believe that you can either (a) change their family members in a very fundamental way, or (b) "shield" them for the rest of their lives - from afar - from those pathologies within their family, then you are fighting a losing battle against reality - a battle and a burden which you cannot sustain, and which will tear you apart.

 

I'm for blocking - both him and his mom. Ironically, the one thing you mentioned that he said, I agreed with: tell her - gently as you wish - that he is not accepting any communication from you. She will understand that, won't she? Then de-friend and block both of them - just drop off the face of the earth. You don't owe either of them any more explanation than they already have.

 

Again, I know that you will feel the loss of the kids, but push the fast-forward button on this one and really look at it: you can not be their savior. Any degree to which you try in the short run will fail in the long run - you see that, don't you? - and will just burn more and more of your own emotional energy by keeping you in contact, like a pinball between him and his mother - in a situation you cannot fix, and which won't get better.

 

Yes, it sucks, but it's time to save yourself.

Edited March 29, 2010 by Trimmer

[EricaH329]

I agree with this. I understand the love and connection you feel with those kids, but you are not "denying" them anything - they are subject to the pathologies of the family they were dealt. Unless you believe that you can either (a) change their family members in a very fundamental way, or (b) "shield" them for the rest of their lives - from afar - from those pathologies within their family, then you are fighting a losing battle against reality - a battle and a burden which you cannot sustain, and which will tear you apart.

 

I'm for blocking - both him and his mom. Ironically, the one thing you mentioned that he said, I agreed with: tell her - gently as you wish - that he is not accepting any communication from you. She will understand that, won't she? Then de-friend and block both of them - just drop off the face of the earth. You don't owe either of them any more explanation than they already have.

 

Again, I know that you will feel the loss of the kids, but push the fast-forward button on this one and really look at it: you can not be their savior. Any degree to which you try in the short run will fail in the long run - you see that, don't you? - and will just burn more and more of your own emotional energy by keeping you in contact, like a pinball between him and his mother - in a situation you cannot fix, and which won't get better.

 

Yes, it sucks, but it's time to save yourself.

 

You're very right. I guess I thought that maybe I could make some sort of a difference in their lives. I suppose it wouldn't do much good, considering the position that they are in. It tears me apart to think of how horrible my ex is treating them, when he absolutely adores them. There is something seriously wrong with him. I don't feel bad for him, since he honestly believes that he is doing nothing wrong. I feel bad for the people around him that have to endure this behaviour from him.

 

I guess this is a good lesson in teaching myself restraint. Separating my love for people, from what's best for everyone.

[skydiveaddict]

Happy birthday Erica, I didnt know

[nobmagnet]

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

You have been given the best birthday gift. You may feel its wrapped in used toilet paper right now but belive me when i say.............your gift and mine (im 40 in may) are the greatest. We are free from manipulation and head mess. Rejoyce in life and what exciting fun you are going to have from now on.

 

All the very best and i shall poor you a Large GnT later love :p

 

Nobby xxx

[EricaH329]

Happy birthday Erica, I didnt know

 

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

You have been given the best birthday gift. You may feel its wrapped in used toilet paper right now but belive me when i say.............your gift and mine (im 40 in may) are the greatest. We are free from manipulation and head mess. Rejoyce in life and what exciting fun you are going to have from now on.

 

All the very best and i shall poor you a Large GnT later love :p

 

Nobby xxx

 

Thank you guys for the birthday wishes!! Almost time to go out and celebrate!

[paperchase]

thank you guys for the birthday wishes!! Almost time to go out and celebrate!

 

happy birthday to you; happy birthday to you; happy birthday dear Erica; happy birthday to you!!!

[EricaH329]

happy birthday to you; happy birthday to you; happy birthday dear Erica; happy birthday to you!!!

 

Thanks Paper!!

[DustySaltus]

Happy belated, have a great day.