Way too young to be in sexless marriage...

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I'm glad to see you are coming around. Please continue to let go of the resentment and negative. Let the positive and love flow in now. Soften your heart and appreciate what you have even further...

[tnttim]

Giving a women an orgasm has very little to do with your sexual technique. I will say it again, giving a women an orgasm has very little to do with your sexual technique.

 

She needs the build up of sexual tension, and then an orgasm will happen, any kind of orgasm. Women are not like men, what turns us on does not turn them on. They want you to be able to turn them on, they even help us but we do not notice it because we are not looking for the right signs.

 

I have no magic trick, or line that will make her want sex, I do know the states of mind she needs to be in though. I also know that you need sexual value, or worthiness.

 

Build the tension:

 

1. Do not be always ready to have sex
   
2. Ignore her little attempts to feel sexy
   
3. If she asks if she is sexy, avoid the answer, or do not answer
   
4. Tell her she looks like someone, then call that someone a turn off
   
5. Make her believe that you think everyone wants sex from you
   
6. Be the bad guy once in a while, do not do everything she asks
   
7. Ignore her sexual advances until she gives in and takes it from you
   
8. Figure out her taboos and mimic them
   
9. Do not be predictable, do not be predictable
   

Your sexual value:

 

1. React happily if she turns you down
   
2. Sex is no longer top of your list
   
3. Do things you would expect sex from, and then do not have sex
   
4. Wait for her to initiate sex, but build the tension in the mean time
   
5. Make sure she knows other people respect you, and want to be your friend
   
6. Have compassion, when she is hurting, help her heal
   
7. Do not do every little thing she asks you to do, say NO once in a while
   
8. Keep other females interested in you
   
9. Stop anti-seductive behaviors immediately
   
10. Find out what shes proud of most and use it to prop her up when she needs it
    
11. Sex is not a god given right
    

The biggest thing is to learn about your women, educate yourself about what makes her tick. We are all different, but we are made up of the same things. Somethings that are important to some, are less important to others. So find out what she wants, and needs and give it to her.

 

Make sure before, during and after sex you mention what shes proud of. You want her to feel good during the whole process, again it has very little to do with performance. If she is smiling and in good spirits before, during, and after the better and easier it will be next time.

 

Time is very important, give the above suggestions some time to sink in. You have been exhibiting anti-seductive for a lot longer than you think. She needs to adjust to the new you, and she still fears the old you will return. So be patient, do not rush, and pay attention to her. I can guarentee results.

[MichelleZB]

Giving a women an orgasm has very little to do with your sexual technique. I will say it again, giving a women an orgasm has very little to do with your sexual technique.

 

She needs the build up of sexual tension, and then an orgasm will happen, any kind of orgasm. Women are not like men, what turns us on does not turn them on. They want you to be able to turn them on, they even help us but we do not notice it because we are not looking for the right signs.

 

I have no magic trick, or line that will make her want sex, I do know the states of mind she needs to be in though. I also know that you need sexual value, or worthiness.

 

Build the tension:

 

1. Do not be always ready to have sex
   
2. Ignore her little attempts to feel sexy
   
3. If she asks if she is sexy, avoid the answer, or do not answer
   
4. Tell her she looks like someone, then call that someone a turn off
   
5. Make her believe that you think everyone wants sex from you
   
6. Be the bad guy once in a while, do not do everything she asks
   
7. Ignore her sexual advances until she gives in and takes it from you
   
8. Figure out her taboos and mimic them
   
9. Do not be predictable, do not be predictable
   

Your sexual value:

 

1. React happily if she turns you down
   
2. Sex is no longer top of your list
   
3. Do things you would expect sex from, and then do not have sex
   
4. Wait for her to initiate sex, but build the tension in the mean time
   
5. Make sure she knows other people respect you, and want to be your friend
   
6. Have compassion, when she is hurting, help her heal
   
7. Do not do every little thing she asks you to do, say NO once in a while
   
8. Keep other females interested in you
   
9. Stop anti-seductive behaviors immediately
   
10. Find out what shes proud of most and use it to prop her up when she needs it
    
11. Sex is not a god given right

 

Dude, you've posted this in some other thread, too. Just... no. Just stop.

 

Do you honestly think that a woman with serious body image issues like the OP has described will jump all over him if he calls her a "turn off"?

[Luv2dance]

 

Dude, you've posted this in some other thread, too. Just... no. Just stop.

 

Do you honestly think that a woman with serious body image issues like the OP has described will jump all over him if he calls her a "turn off"?

 

This is what I don't get either???

[tnttim]

 

Dude, you've posted this in some other thread, too. Just... no. Just stop.

 

Do you honestly think that a woman with serious body image issues like the OP has described will jump all over him if he calls her a "turn off"?

 

First what women doesn't have body issues because I've never met one.

 

Two, of course you don't call her a turn off, you say the person she looks like can be a turn off. It's an indirect message that she is a turn off, if she asks "am I turn off?" then you try your hardest not to answer it directly.

 

Three, it's a not a magic trick, like I said it wasn't. I'm saying he has to change a lot of things about how he preceives sex from his W. Doing one thing and expecting sex is narrow minded and any women would pick up on it in a minute, being the smarter of the two species.

[xxoo]

Two, of course you don't call her a turn off, you say the person she looks like can be a turn off. It's an indirect message that she is a turn off, if she asks "am I turn off?" then you try your hardest not to answer it directly..

 

Why??? would you want to give your partner that message?

 

Partners are supposed to build each other up, not knock each other down. Even if knocking her down actually (somehow) results in more sex for you, how does that justify knocking down your partner?

[mem11363]

XXOO,

100 percent with you. Knocking your partner down is simply out of the question no matter how clever or indirect the approach.

 

With that said we are not obligated to compliment our partners if they are treating us poorly.

 

 

Why??? would you want to give your partner that message?

 

Partners are supposed to build each other up, not knock each other down. Even if knocking her down actually (somehow) results in more sex for you, how does that justify knocking down your partner?

[tnttim]

XXOO,

100 percent with you. Knocking your partner down is simply out of the question no matter how clever or indirect the approach.

 

With that said we are not obligated to compliment our partners if they are treating us poorly.

 

His wife is sexual turn off, he said it himself. Marriages are built on communication, verbal and none verbal. Doesn't he have a voice in the marriage? Don't his problems affect her and vice versa? With that being said he has tried a lot of different approaches and none have worked. When your faced with a problem you should try a bunch of different ways to fix it.

 

With the way his wife sounds do you really think he has anything to lose at this point.

 

IMO he has no control or say in his marriage. His wife has all the power and one of the biggest turn offs is weakness. What he did was surrender his power and control to her. But its not his fault at heart he is a good man and is probably a great friend. He also probably has an above average intelligence. For a marriage that is a bad combo. He thinks doing everything she says is being her soul mate. Women want a man that's in control and she will test his control whenever possible. But men fail to see the test, and after constant failing, men lose control.

 

There is a huge difference between being in control and being controlling!

[xxoo]

His wife is sexual turn off, he said it himself. Marriages are built on communication, verbal and none verbal. Doesn't he have a voice in the marriage? Don't his problems affect her and vice versa? With that being said he has tried a lot of different approaches and none have worked. When your faced with a problem you should try a bunch of different ways to fix it.

 

I couldn't agree more with you communication sentence, but the "games" you advocate are the opposite of direct communication.

[mem11363]

This is what I told him earlier in the thread. Stand up for yourself and stop assuring her that no matter what she does/does not do there will be no real consequence.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

disaster

 

I don't get this - not kidding either. The comments I excerpted directly below are not about sex at all - they are about the relationship. Why have you allowed a situation to evolve where:

- you go out of your way to make her life great

- she rarely thanks you compliments you and never admits she is wrong

 

That isn't actually her fault - it is yours. Why would you possibly encourage her to treat you like this? And yes when you do all that nice loving stuff despite being treated very badly - you are encouraging this behavior.

 

Your wife gets an A as a Mom and an F as a wife.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>

But Kate doesn’t compliment me, doesn’t express any admiration towards me, thanks me seldom, and can never admit fault or say she’s sorry. She also doesn’t do hugs, cuddling, flirting, hand holding, etc (neither did her parents).

 

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

changing

This whole idea of "this is how I am and I am not even going to try to change to make you happy" is the refuge of people who don't acknowledge that marriage is a job and sometimes it requires effort.

 

I will tell you this - with certainty. If you say things like "I could never not be around my children" your wife hears - I don't have to change because no matter what I do or don't do he isn't going to leave.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Married_and_Lonely

Thanks for the replies both of you. I gave my wife a long letter last year that summed up just about everything here, and I tried to be firm but loving in it. I asked her to give it some thought and write me a reply letter since I found that writing the letter helped me explore all of my feelings and not leave anything out. But instead she just took a couple minutes and then asked why I was attacking everything about her. She said I was asking her to be a completely different person and that it wasn't fair of me to ask. That was about 8 months ago; we haven't talked about the letter since the two weeks after and she hasn't changed one bit. This was also all following the online dating website fiasco, so you'd think she take it very serious and want to fight for her marriage.

 

But I think it just makes her sad to think about it now that I'm not happy (despite no sex or affection, I guess she assumed I was happy before). But for whatever reason, she thinks changing is beyond her powers.

 

I walk up to her and say "I love you", and try to hug and kiss her (even just last night), but she just stands there stiff, barely kisses back, and doesn't put her arms around me or even lean into the hug.

 

I think my next step is either to insist or couples counseling (but I just know she'll feel like she's being attacked), or to suggest reading a marriage book and talking about it (more likely for her to agree to this one).

 

 

 

His wife is sexual turn off, he said it himself. Marriages are built on communication, verbal and none verbal. Doesn't he have a voice in the marriage? Don't his problems affect her and vice versa? With that being said he has tried a lot of different approaches and none have worked. When your faced with a problem you should try a bunch of different ways to fix it.

 

With the way his wife sounds do you really think he has anything to lose at this point.

 

IMO he has no control or say in his marriage. His wife has all the power and one of the biggest turn offs is weakness. What he did was surrender his power and control to her. But its not his fault at heart he is a good man and is probably a great friend. He also probably has an above average intelligence. For a marriage that is a bad combo. He thinks doing everything she says is being her soul mate. Women want a man that's in control and she will test his control whenever possible. But men fail to see the test, and after constant failing, men lose control.

 

There is a huge difference between being in control and being controlling!

Edited April 21, 2010 by mem11363

[tnttim]

I couldn't agree more with you communication sentence, but the "games" you advocate are the opposite of direct communication.

 

The games speak to her inner emotions, that is communication too. The games make her change her perspective on her husband, because she has been the game player this whole time. He is playing her games, and that's a lose, the second you participate in her games you lose.

 

The way he acts is also a form of communication, where words mean nothing, it's all about the message he's sending. A guy that does everything for his women in his mind thinks he's being the man of her dreams, but an outsider would see that he is projecting the fact he can't live without her, and is very insecure.

 

In the beginning it's a game, you change the outside first, but the inside will soon follow if it's working. Then it will become part of his character.

Edited April 23, 2010 by tnttim

[Married_and_Lonely]

Update to this old thread - My wife and I had a long talk last night.

 

2 days ago she found on my laptop at home where I googled “best time to divorce with kids”… i explained that it was a sort of venting mechanism for me to search something harsh like that when I was mad at her once. It was an awkward start to the conversation, but it was probably good to get the following off my chest, although I’m not sure how much good will come of it.

 

I told her:

 

1)I don’t know whose fault it is, and don’t care, but our marriage isn’t as loving and affectionate as I want and I don’t think either of us know how to fix it without outside help from a counselor

 

2) Our problem of not showing love to each other is like a circle where I don't show her love because I don't feel alot of love towards her because she isn't showing me love. It's a circle that won't end until we try to show each other love without waiting to receive the love.

 

3) It doesn’t even feel natural to touch, hug, cuddle, or kiss her now because its been so long since we did that stuff regularly. I miss how natural those things were for us at one time when we were dating

 

4) We’re teaching our kids how to act in a relationship and I don’t want to teach them that our current way of life is normal for a marriage.

 

5) Our sex life will never be good unless she can figure out a way to enjoy sex, have a healthy view of it, and not have so many hang-ups about it, because if she doesn’t enjoy it, then I’m not going to either

 

6) I want to give her her first orgasm so she can enjoy sex (she told me last year she’d never had one

 

7) I am turned on by her naked body and I like to look at it, so I’m not sure why she tries to hide it from me, even during sex

 

8) I don’t want a divorce now, but I may in the future if things don’t improve (I had to say this because the embarrassment of divorce seems to be the only thing that scares her – she can live with me being unhappy as long as its not made public via a divorce

 

9) I love our kids, but since they were born, I’ve felt like I don’t have a wife anymore because she spends all her energy on them and leaves none for me

 

10) I feel like she enjoys her motherly role more than her role as a wife

 

11) I want her to enjoy being touched by me, be happy to see me when I come home, and miss me when I’m gone. I want to feel those same feelings too.

 

12) I think all of this is beyond our abilities to repair and we need counseling to sort it out. I promise I won't use it as a chance to try to get the counselor to take my side and make her feel bad about herself. I just want to improve our marriage

 

Her responses:

 

13) You don’t make me feel loved either

 

14) I don’t want counseling because that feels like a last resort move and I’d feel like a failure

 

15) Can we just go to church and Sunday school together and see if that helps?

 

16) I know I’m pretty because other people check me out, but you don’t think I’m beautiful and that makes me feel awful

 

17) I don’t have hang-ups about sex – stop acting like I’m a freak

 

18) I have had an orgasm with you, but you obviously weren’t paying attention. (I think she’s lying because I think I’d know if she had one or she’d surely tell me about her first one ever). I know I’d be making a big deal about it. And we've only made love 2-3 times since her telling me she'd never had one

 

19) I didn’t know you were so unhappy, but I’m glad you’re not divorcing me. (I gave her a letter last year with everything in it and little has changed since and we’ve not talked about it, so it’s strange to me that she didn’t know I was unhappy).

 

20) I feel betrayed that you'd consider divorcing me for not doing things that you don't do either.

 

So we talked for an hour or so and she cried some and I felt awful for crushing her spirit, but I don’t know what came of it. She still won’t go to counseling. I think I’m going to go by myself during my lunch hour without telling her. We have free sessions through my work’s insurance (I told her this). Maybe I’ll learn something there that will either give me ideas or change my perspective on our differing styles of affection.

Edited June 8, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely

[1qkblugt]

So we talked for an hour or so and she cried some and I felt awful for crushing her spirit, but I don’t know what came of it. She still won’t go to counseling. I think I’m going to go by myself during my lunch hour without telling her. We have free sessions through my work’s insurance (I told her this). Maybe I’ll learn something there that will either give me ideas or change my perspective on our differing styles of affection.

 

 

I would tell her your going to counseling~ that way she will ask what you talk about.. Hopefully that will make her want to go with you to work on things.

[xxoo]

14) I don’t want counseling because that feels like a last resort move and I’d feel like a failure

 

Divorce is a last resort move, and, I would imagine, feels like failure.

 

Your wife will need to face uncomfortable feelings in order to work through the problems in your marriage. Either the marriage is worth the risk and effort (to her) or it is not. I'd be honest and upfront about that. You are willing to take the risks and do the work. Is she?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She refuses to address a single issue and thinks church will answer it. And no you did not crush her spirit. So sorry about her response.

[AIC]

If you took away the kids and you werent married would you be with her? Nope. Not compatible sexually, or emotionally, in fact it seems you have very little in common. Dude what exactly are you trying to save?

 

Life is too short to not be yourself. And from what you've written it occurs to me you guys more than likely don't even really know who you are yet.

 

Just my opinion but I think a problem for you is the country you are from values image and status and material things and career progression etc. You are in a very difficult predicament good luck.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

If you took away the kids and you werent married would you be with her? Nope. Not compatible sexually, or emotionally, in fact it seems you have very little in common. Dude what exactly are you trying to save?

 

You can't take away the kids or the marriage; there is a lot of equity in those things are there are still many reasons to try and work through this.

 

Addtionally, I don't think the OP is nearly as concerned about image, status, material things, or career progression.... I bet he would be willing to sacrifice some of those things if he knew he could re-ignite the passion and fire in his marriage....

 

I am glad to see something coming to the table on this OP. Again, if she is not willing to go to counseling, begin individual counseling, it will allow you to see things more broadly and attempt to move forward. When she sees the positive changes in you hopefully she may come around too. Somethings gotta give...

[mem11363]

She is leading you around in circles. Nothing she said was solution oriented. Church is great - but Church is about staying married - full stop. It is not about solving problems.

 

As for sex - and yes this is about sex and about love. She is comfortable having no real love, and no sex. So she tries to make this about you - by accusing you of acting like she is a freak. Very inflammatory language.

 

As for a therapist - of course she is refusing - a therapist will insist she focus on solutions and she has zero interest in that. My guess - your wife is comfortable with your financial support and will take that until you take your dying breath. As to working towards a happy marriage - she won't unless under the threat of divorce.

 

 

Update to this old thread - My wife and I had a long talk last night.

 

2 days ago she found on my laptop at home where I googled “best time to divorce with kids”… i explained that it was a sort of venting mechanism for me to search something harsh like that when I was mad at her once. It was an awkward start to the conversation, but it was probably good to get the following off my chest, although I’m not sure how much good will come of it.

 

I told her:

 

1)I don’t know whose fault it is, and don’t care, but our marriage isn’t as loving and affectionate as I want and I don’t think either of us know how to fix it without outside help from a counselor

 

2) Our problem of not showing love to each other is like a circle where I don't show her love because I don't feel alot of love towards her because she isn't showing me love. It's a circle that won't end until we try to show each other love without waiting to receive the love.

 

3) It doesn’t even feel natural to touch, hug, cuddle, or kiss her now because its been so long since we did that stuff regularly. I miss how natural those things were for us at one time when we were dating

 

4) We’re teaching our kids how to act in a relationship and I don’t want to teach them that our current way of life is normal for a marriage.

 

5) Our sex life will never be good unless she can figure out a way to enjoy sex, have a healthy view of it, and not have so many hang-ups about it, because if she doesn’t enjoy it, then I’m not going to either

 

6) I want to give her her first orgasm so she can enjoy sex (she told me last year she’d never had one

 

7) I am turned on by her naked body and I like to look at it, so I’m not sure why she tries to hide it from me, even during sex

 

8) I don’t want a divorce now, but I may in the future if things don’t improve (I had to say this because the embarrassment of divorce seems to be the only thing that scares her – she can live with me being unhappy as long as its not made public via a divorce

 

9) I love our kids, but since they were born, I’ve felt like I don’t have a wife anymore because she spends all her energy on them and leaves none for me

 

10) I feel like she enjoys her motherly role more than her role as a wife

 

11) I want her to enjoy being touched by me, be happy to see me when I come home, and miss me when I’m gone. I want to feel those same feelings too.

 

12) I think all of this is beyond our abilities to repair and we need counseling to sort it out. I promise I won't use it as a chance to try to get the counselor to take my side and make her feel bad about herself. I just want to improve our marriage

 

Her responses:

 

13) You don’t make me feel loved either

 

14) I don’t want counseling because that feels like a last resort move and I’d feel like a failure

 

15) Can we just go to church and Sunday school together and see if that helps?

 

16) I know I’m pretty because other people check me out, but you don’t think I’m beautiful and that makes me feel awful

 

17) I don’t have hang-ups about sex – stop acting like I’m a freak

 

18) I have had an orgasm with you, but you obviously weren’t paying attention. (I think she’s lying because I think I’d know if she had one or she’d surely tell me about her first one ever). I know I’d be making a big deal about it. And we've only made love 2-3 times since her telling me she'd never had one

 

19) I didn’t know you were so unhappy, but I’m glad you’re not divorcing me. (I gave her a letter last year with everything in it and little has changed since and we’ve not talked about it, so it’s strange to me that she didn’t know I was unhappy).

 

20) I feel betrayed that you'd consider divorcing me for not doing things that you don't do either.

 

So we talked for an hour or so and she cried some and I felt awful for crushing her spirit, but I don’t know what came of it. She still won’t go to counseling. I think I’m going to go by myself during my lunch hour without telling her. We have free sessions through my work’s insurance (I told her this). Maybe I’ll learn something there that will either give me ideas or change my perspective on our differing styles of affection.

[Lovelybird]

Her responses:

 

 

16) I know I’m pretty because other people check me out, but you don’t think I’m beautiful and that makes me feel awful

 

20) I feel betrayed that you'd consider divorcing me for not doing things that you don't do either.

 

Do you know why she thinks this way about above two points?

 

I think usually the more guilty one would avoid the third party or counselor. And there has to have something dramatic things happen to them to want to the change. If the pain of remaining in status quo is much more than the pain of change, she will be motivated to change. Maybe you make her feel comfortable in staying in status quo?

 

I think it is a good idea that you go to the counselor first. Hope it works out for you

Edited June 9, 2010 by Lovelybird

[allina]

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP, you seem like a good guy who is really lost. While I do not think this is your fault, I do think that you are unintentionally doing things to turn your wife off. It looks like you have taken on the role of the de-masculanized, defeated husband with no backbone.

 

Your attempts to be nice are counterproductive. You say that you always let her decide where to go eat, you do the things she wants done at once, you often try to kiss her and tell her you love her, all that stuff while she grows colder and colder. Stop doing these things, man up, be your own person, tell her where you want to go eat. Tell her that you don't want to pick weeds right after work and that you will either do it when you have time or hire someone, whatever you decide.

 

I am in no way suggesting that you become cruel or irresponsible. But I feel like you need to man up in order to save this marriage.

 

This woman does not respect you right now. She told you that she was glad that you weren't divorcing her because that would make her look bad, she didn't even say that she loved you and didn't want to lose you.

 

I honestly feel like women lose respect for men when they see such "wimpy" behavior. Women need a man who has opinions and demands respect.

[giotto]

excuses, excuses, excuses... she is burying her head under the sand... ask her what REALLY is going on... if you don't get to the bottom of it and she refuses counselling, pack your bags and see how she reacts... having said that, I was in a similar situation and we managed to patch it up a bit, but I still have the feeling that it's not right, that the spark's gone, our relationship is finished... and if you want my honest opinion, I think you've past the "fixing" state...

[Married_and_Lonely]

If you took away the kids and you werent married would you be with her? Nope. Not compatible sexually, or emotionally, in fact it seems you have very little in common. Dude what exactly are you trying to save?

 

Life is too short to not be yourself. And from what you've written it occurs to me you guys more than likely don't even really know who you are yet.

 

Just my opinion but I think a problem for you is the country you are from values image and status and material things and career progression etc. You are in a very difficult predicament good luck.

 

I'm primarily trying to keep mom and dad together for the kids. My kids, 5 and 2, are innocent and sweet and would be so confused, hurt, saddened, etc by daddy leaving them. And that's what it would seem like to them - daddy leaving them, not mommy. Kids are supposed to be kids and live this carefree, happy life where terrorists, murderers, diseases, divorce, etc don't exist as far as they know. I need to protect this if I can. My wife and I are very civil, so a split up would be a complete surprise not only to my kids, but also to everyone in our families.

[Married_and_Lonely]

She is leading you around in circles. Nothing she said was solution oriented. Church is great - but Church is about staying married - full stop. It is not about solving problems.

 

As for sex - and yes this is about sex and about love. She is comfortable having no real love, and no sex. So she tries to make this about you - by accusing you of acting like she is a freak. Very inflammatory language.

 

As for a therapist - of course she is refusing - a therapist will insist she focus on solutions and she has zero interest in that. My guess - your wife is comfortable with your financial support and will take that until you take your dying breath. As to working towards a happy marriage - she won't unless under the threat of divorce.

 

I think you're right on most accounts, except instead of her valuing my financial support (which she completely takes for granted) I would say her primary reason for wanting me around is because she doesn't want to be a single parent of 2 little kids. I make her life easier by helping with the kids and chores and by allowing her to only work part-time. But you're right on I fear about her not needing real love or sex in her life. I fear that if she attempts to change, it won't be because she shares my longing for a mutual romantic connection and a healthy sex life; she'll only want to do enough to keep me from leaving her alone.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Do you know why she thinks this way about above two points?

 

 

At my core, I'm not physically attracted to her most of the time because she has no energy, no light-heartedness, doesn't smile much, doesn't laugh much, and she has some physical features I find unattractive. However, when she kids around and acts fun and smiles, I'm often surprised at the temporary return of my physical attraction to her. I was attracted to her more strongly before we had all of these relationship issues. But I've never looked at her like I look at beautiful women that I see everyday that I'm very strongly attracted to.

 

I've tried my best to hide this truth from her and constantly assure her that I think she's pretty, but I've been unable to tell her that she's sexy in a convincing manner. Also, as I said in my first post of this thread, a friend told her right around the time of our marriage that before we even started dating I told him that I wasn't attracted to her.

 

I told her two nights ago that she can't hold that over my head forever because we weren't even dating then, and I've apologized many, many times and tried my best to convince her otherwise. But I don't think she'll ever completely forgive or forget that comment. It wouldn't be as damaging if she didn't already have a shaky self image of herself.

 

Her second comment was her saying, "you don't hug, cuddle, or kiss me either, or tell me that you love me" which has been true lately, but it's hard right now for me to show her alot of love right now when I'm disappointed in her total neglect or even consideration of my physical and emotional needs.

[giotto]

she'll only want to do enough to keep me from leaving her alone.

 

that's what most women do... I was taken for granted until I put my foot down... now she's changed her tune and even said she loves me! Strange way of showing it, though...

Let's face it: you earning all the money and helping with chores and kids whilst she doesn't work and has a maid, well... why would she want you to go? On the contrary, I'm a bit surprised she is not making an effort since she knows you want to leave... or, as I suspect, she knows very well you will never leave or don't have the guts to do it...

Edited June 9, 2010 by giotto