When telling someone you're divorced why do people assume the wife left the husband?

[alphamale]

I get this all the time. I tell someone i'm divorced and they hang their head low and have pity on me. They assume that my wife left me. Well she didn't. I left her.

 

I have to also state that I divorced her so that they don't get the wrong idea.

 

And yes i'm aware that 75% of divorces are initiated by women.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well with these stats, why are you so surprised people assume the thing about you being divorced?

[alphamale]

Well with these stats, why are you so surprised people assume the thing about you being divorced?

well they never ask who divorced whom, they just automatically assume the wife split

[Woggle]

75% of divorces are initiated by women so people assume that is the case.

[Chrome Barracuda]

75% of divorces are initiated by women so people assume that is the case.

 

Exactly. No one asks what happens unless they feel like knowing the backstory towards it.

[mimidarlin]

hmmm 75%...well my husband asked for the divorce.

 

I guess the numbers explain why people think I must be well rid of him. Assuming I initiated it and wanted it so I must be relieved.

[tollmeyer]

I have had a couple of people act oddly but most have heard whats going on with my separation and are a bit too sympathetic to be honest.

 

Most people that I come across have been starting of with 'I hear ex-wifey has another man, weren't you trying for a 2nd kid a bit ago'. That in all honesty is harder to deal with than having someone assume it was the wife that left.

 

My wife was the one that initiated it only after her sister found out what she was up to. Is it really that bad people assume she left you?

[carhill]

Likely the reasons vary, but, IME, the petitioner has a number of controls in the process which the respondent doesn't enjoy, mainly wrt timings. Also, in many cases, the woman is more likely to qualify for legal aid, saving herself money, since a contested divorce can be quite expensive. Lastly, there's the emotional impact of serving that deadbeat SOB husband with papers. He has no control over that man with a gun handing him this package. He can't even refuse to sign, as there's nothing to sign.

 

IME, so far, people (meaning friends, on both sides) really don't care about who did what. They're just sad that it happened. There's nothing noble about being either a petitioner or respondent. It's a death process.

[tnttim]

I read some of your posts and you come as an arrogant ashole, that's prolly why. I get the same thing from people on here. The funny thing is that they talk sh*t about my attitude and say it's turn off but they follow me around like a lost puppy arguing their point. Feelings are boss and our attitudes create addictive feelings, kudos dude

[Tayla]

Rarely do I care who initiated the divorce. Its NUNYA"s business so pardon if I could be less then pleased when someone crows about how they were the one to initiate the divorce. That is between the two spouses and no one else.

If anything , while it takes guts to drop the D bomb on a relationship its not anything to be proud of. Instead its a painful lesson learned . My reaction is often sympathetic whether its the person who started the proceedings or the person who received the walking papers. There are three sides to the event.

[Trimmer]

Likely the reasons vary, but, IME, the petitioner has a number of controls in the process which the respondent doesn't enjoy, mainly wrt timings.

 

...There's nothing noble about being either a petitioner or respondent. It's a death process.

Fair points, although I'll also point out that whoever ends up as "petitioner" isn't necessarily the one who "initiated" the divorce. Maybe this is rare, but my wife clearly initiated the divorce; I would have done anything to recover our marriage, but once I realized it was irreversible, I technically became the petitioner, initiating the legal proceedings. So you couldn't draw conclusions about our marriage and divorce dynamic from just looking at who was the legal petitioner in our case. Again, maybe mine is a rare example...

 

I get this all the time. I tell someone i'm divorced and they hang their head low and have pity on me. They assume that my wife left me. Well she didn't. I left her.

Maybe you are doing just as much "assuming" as you complain they are doing. If you tell someone you are divorced and you perceive they "hang their head low" in pity, is it not possible that they are simply sympathizing/empathizing with something that they see as a trauma for anyone involved, irrespective of who initiated it?

 

Maybe you're being overly defensive in assuming that they are immediately drawing battle lines. What I've found in my usual social circles is that people understand the deep trauma that divorce is, and they are open to hearing about it, but I have never found anyone to make a hard-and-fast assumption about "what happened" without more information.

 

Is it possible that you are so concerned about "what people think" that you are a little oversensitive, and that you, yourself, are making assumptions about what they are thinking before you really know for sure:

I have to also state that I divorced her so that they don't get the wrong idea.

[tnttim]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^spoken like true vet^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[sumdude]

Fair points, although I'll also point out that whoever ends up as "petitioner" isn't necessarily the one who "initiated" the divorce. Maybe this is rare, but my wife clearly initiated the divorce; I would have done anything to recover our marriage, but once I realized it was irreversible, I technically became the petitioner, initiating the legal proceedings. So you couldn't draw conclusions about our marriage and divorce dynamic from just looking at who was the legal petitioner in our case. Again, maybe mine is a rare example...

 

 

I took the same road. My ex wife certainly initiated the separation and divorce by suddenly moving in with another man (while of course lying about it). As soon as it became abundantly clear there was no path to reconciliation I started the legal proceedings. I had no control over the end of the real marriage but I wanted control of the legal side as much as possible.

 

Personally I've never noticed anyone assuming who left who though I will usually let someone know what went down at some point.

[trippi1432]

It works both ways, for men and women....I met 3 "very nice" divorced women over the weekend at a little antique shop. The topic got on divorce because one of the ladies' son was in the middle of one. They assumed that I left my STBXH....I didn't correct them, was actually embarrassed to.

 

At any rate, reminded me of a scene right out of the Divorced Women's Club.....sigh.

[phineas]

when it comes to women & telling them i'm divorced the older one's assume the wife was the problem.

 

The one's my age almost immediatly ask me if I cheated on them.

 

They guys, any age act as if I just swam accrossed the river styx itself & welcome me to my new life.