Confusion: A Weird Twist to a Breakup and Reconciliation!

[Vince]

Confusion: A Weird Twist to a Breakup and Reconciliation!

 

Greetings Folks:

 

A few months ago my four-year girlfriend left me. I was devastated. If you are really interested to hear the entire story, I posted it on this site a few weeks ago. Here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t30729/

 

Anyway, We broke up and I called her a lot telling her I loved her and wanted her back. She started dating someone else and enforced the "no contact" thing that seems more common than I thought -- I say more common because I read this board and see it everywhere, though I thought my ex was breaking new ground. Hey, this was my first long-term and I am only 23! Cut me some slack!

 

I told her I wanted to meet with her to get some things said and see if she could actually say she didn't want to be with me to my face. We met, things went okay, though I didn't get barely anything off my chest. But, she did and looked me in the eyes when she said she didn't want me and wanted the break and no contact. I told her if she granted me this, I would not call her again -- ever again if needed. I told her it was up to her to make the next move. I left her with some thoughts and told her to think about it. I was happy with how things went.

 

This was a Sunday. The next Monday was really rough because I felt really empty knowing I may never hear from her again. But I stayed strong. I went over to a good friends house on Tuesday. That was a great time. He helped me with some things and I ended up staying the night. I ended up staying the entire week at my friends house because it felt good being there. I was away. No thoughts and reminders of the pain I was feeling. Great stuff!

 

So, there is this girl who is a friend of mine -- and an even better friend to the aforementioned buddy. I have always thought she was super cool, and we hung out the entire week. My buddy went to a wedding back home -- his home on the East Coast. This happened late Wednesday. But I stayed and the girl friend of mine ended up spending the next four or so nights together. We stayed at the buddy’s house and slept together in his bed. We talked 'til the early morning hours. There was a lot of flirting, but no real physical contact the entire time. I wanted to, but I didn't want to do anything in my buddy's room, and I really think this girl is super cool and I didn't make any moves -- despite my wanting to -- because I don't want her to be a rebound. But I think both of us wanted to get physical, but I think she sensed my hesitation.

 

Anyway, I thought hard this week about my breakup and eventually concluded I didn't want her and I wanted to see where things led with this new girl. But I was, and still am, hesitant because I don't want her to be a rebound. She is better than that. And I am sure now that she wouldn't be, but my emotions are so up and down I don't want to act on anything. But I am pretty sure!

 

So here is where I stand: I like this other girl but the two things I mentioned before are making me hesitant.

 

Okay!? So I get home after the week-long vacation from the breakup pain. I see that my ex called a couple times. I call her back. I just convinced myself that I don't need or want her, but I, of course, call her back. Plus, I had a huge urge to vent at her. I finally realized some of the messed up things she did to me and I was angry at her.

 

I talk to her and she says she called to see if my brother can give her some hookups at his work. Okay, that pissed me off! Then she said she couldn't hang out with me on my birthday -- which is in a week -- because that would be too weird. One of the last thoughts I left her with was asking her to hang out with me on my b-day. Strike two and three. She called to use me, and tell me she didn't want to see me on my b-day. So I kind of went off! I told her I thought she was screwing me over and she didn't want to hear that, so she hung up on me. I called back and left her a message saying I thought it was messed up I had to hear all these bad things about me when we broke up, but she couldn't hear me out.

 

Anyway, there is a part of me -- albeit small now -- that wants to make things right with her. At least a friendship because we spent four years together and were great companions. But I hate her right now. And I have this other girl I like, but I hesitate because I don't want her to be a rebound -- even though I know NOW she wouldn't be. Plus, I don't want to totally move on and burn a bridge with the ex because I really do love her. I just don't know if I love her in a way to torture myself now and be in a romantic relationship later. This is a true crossroads. Oh, but there is this part of me that wants to burn that bridge. She really screwed me up.

 

So what should I do? Is this new girl a rebound? I have never had one so I am not sure. Should I let things die out with the new interest because of timing? But I am sure you guys would agree I might miss out on something great. This girl accepts and likes what she knows about me. Things the ex complained about, she likes. I can't move forward with her and I can't stand still or give it up. I have to do one or the other. Oh, and I am not sure if I am mad at my ex because there is this new girl. I don’t want to cover any emotions, but I can’t tell whether I have moved on from her because someone else is around, or I will cover up these bad emotions and they come back to haunt whatever happens -- if anything -- between me and the new girl. You guys on this board are great with advice, so anything you say will be helpful.

 

Cheers

~vince

[Java]

Rebound Relationships info:

 

http://rebound-relationships.com/unhealthy.html

 

 

And I have this other girl I like, but I hesitate because I don't want her to be a rebound -- even though I know NOW she wouldn't be. Plus, I don't want to totally move on and burn a bridge with the ex because I really do love her

 

You provided your own answers in your above two sentences... they contradict. The day you get to the point where you will have no problem cutting your ties with your ex for fear you can't get back with her, the day you are no longer in love with her, is the day you will know the new girl wont be a rebound. Not before that, I'm afraid.

[trulyme]

Good sutff. Very good point Java.

 

I think people use others sometimes just to EASE that VERY real pain of the ex. Someone new in the bed and the ex seems a liitle less obvious in your mind. But deep down, you know that something is still there, and only time will take that away.

 

I have gotten over ex's with previous girls in the past. My current situation is much the same as the past, except I am not sleeping with other women to cloud my ex. Im not exactly sure why, I am just living my own life for right now I guess.

 

If someone came along I would take it very slow and if they were serious potential (which is very hard to find) then I would kindly remind them of what I am going through and that I would like to take it very slow. Then everyone knows where everyone stands.

 

Be careful though. Sometimes women will tell you what you want to hear when you are going through these tough times. You say this girl likes what your ex hated??? Watch that very closely.

 

EVERYONE GO PICK UP A BOOOK CALLED (Bonds that make us Free). Good things in there!!

Truly

[sarah12]

Vince - I feel like I can relate to your story because I have recently been the 'new girl' in the picture. We also had a very good time together and he does not feel that I am the 'rebound', but he also is confused like you are, about giving his previous relationship some time to heal. He was not the one hurt in the relationship, he broke up with her. However, the situations are similar. In any case, in the end of our short relationship, we have decided to end things because he needs time to sort himself out and have some alone time. I suggest that you do the same. You are obviously not over your ex, and it would be unfair to this new girl if you have reservations about the relationship. Someone on here said to me that new relationships are great, but it's even better when you both go in with open hearts.

 

You mentioned that you are afraid you may miss out on something great. If she knows that you are something great (and these types of feelings are usually mutual), then she will understand that you need time. Currently I am 'on hold' and not wanting to date others. My heart just doesn't feel right about it because I know how this guy feels about me, and it is hopefully just a matter of time.

 

If you want to talk some more, feel free to PM me.

[Vince]

Sarah12:

 

Great advice. I appreciate your insight, as I do the other responses. Tell me how this changes things, or doesn't.

 

This girl helped make me realize that maybe the ex and I aren't meant to be. I mean, the ex and I had huge problems because she wanted a relationship I couldn't provide. For example, if the ex would say "lets go to a movie," I would think, cool lets do it. She would expect certain things of me that I didn't know she wanted. Meaning, this was something romantic and I thought she just wanted to hang out. She would be upset and tell me later that she wanted this that night to be something special. I would say "why didn't you let me know," and she would say "you should just know." Because to her, telling me would make it less pure and forced. That is just one example -- a lame one at that -- to where she wanted things I couldn't provide the exact way she wanted. The ex likes to go out dancing; I would rather hang out at home and listen to music, or something like that. She always hated it that I wouldn't want to go dancing with her. But that is not me.

 

And part of hanging out with the new girl -- and I hate that would because it sounds kind of messed up -- is that everything is natural. We enjoy each others company, no matter what we do. There is no set formula that has to be followed like it did with the ex. And I know that in the early stages that is how it goes. Hell, the ex and I did nothing and everything together. But, when we settled into our routine -- as all relationships tend to do -- we (the ex and I) discovered that maybe we aren't meant to be. I think the pain from the breakup came from the loss of four years and being used to always having her around.

 

Now that there is someone else whose company I thoroughly enjoy, I don't think I could go back to the other girl. And that makes me feel like I have let go of the ex and moved on. But there is always that lingering love and feeling of guilt. I, as I kind of said, don't want to stall with the new girl -- ARG, still hate that phrase -- because we seem to have cool connection.

 

I don't know! I am a bit confused, but only because I don't trust my emotions right now. I trust my feelings now, but who knows where they will lead me in the coming weeks and months. Plus, I have done a lot of soul searching, and I think I can comfortably move on and try things with this girl. I have been taking it slow. But, I would hate it if I missed out because I fear my emotions.

 

This girl is helping me find myself! And if nothing else comes of us, I will forever appreciate that. Honestly, I am more concerned about where her head is at. I think she is afraid I am rebounding. And she is not making any moves either. I think we are both just enjoying whatever we have for what it is, which, I think, could lead to more and better things later.

 

Anyway, I am rambling and am surprised you great people actually read this. I genuinely appreciate it.

 

PM you? I take it that is a form of IM, or direct e-mail contact. I don't know! I will look into it. I would rather bounce ideas and thoughts off someone and get some live action advice. This is an odd way to communicate.

 

Have a terrific day all! You guys rock!

 

Cheers

~vince

[sarah12]

Vince, I think that you and I could truly help each other out here!

 

Ok. First of all, like I said, if this girl is really into you, then she will understand if you tell her that you just need some time because you don't want to rush into anything, for fear that someone will get hurt.

 

I have been through this, and it was soooo much fun when we were together, but ultimately, he had the same feelings as you - the guilt, the lack of trust of emotions, and so on - then it really hit him that he needed to take some time on his own. He was mainly concerned about 1) feeling guilty for dating b/c his ex was not over him, and 2) he cared about me so much that he was scared about getting into a committed relationship with me for fear that he would hurt me like he hurt his ex (by breaking up with her). Everything you have described about 'not meant to be' with the ex, is the very reason this guy broke up with his ex. He didn't love her anymore and it just wasn't the same after 5 years. I can see that you are going through much of the same thing, and I know you are afraid of losing this girl, but if she is who you think she is, then she will understand.

 

I feel like I am your 'new girl' because everything you describe about how things are so natural, is how I felt too! I'm afraid of giving you advice though because I have never been in a 4 year relationship so I don't know what that is like and I may be biased seeing how badly I want to be with this guy again. But what I do know is that after 4 years, you might want to take some time for yourself. Do you really want to go from one relationship (with baggage and all) right into another one? People always need time after break ups, especially ones that are so long, to figure themselves out, to discover who they are on their own again, and most importantly, to figure out what went wrong in the previous relationship. I can see that you are doing some of that now, especially since you have someone to compare with. But it really does take time. If neither of you are in a rush (and like I said, she won't be if she knows you're a good thing for her), then why hurry? There's all the time in the world to fall in love again and if you're going to do it, you'll want to do it right.

 

BTW, PM-ing me meant sending me a private message through this site. You can access it through the drop down menu on the bottom left of the page. Although you may have to turn on the option for messaging because I noticed that I couldn't send you a message.