Confronting the OM

[spriggig]

He lives in another state and has been carrying on LDR with my wife for 10 months. She left me and her 11 year old son behind for two weeks in February to meet him in person and have sex.

 

Our marriage is now over, divorce proceedings have begun.

 

I'm thinking of sending the OM an email with pictures of the family he helped destroy?

 

It would be along the lines of "When you gained her trust and had her ear you could have chosen the honorable path (he's a marine) and counseled her to return to her husband and try to work things out. Instead you chose the selfish path. Take a look at what you had a hand in destroying."

 

<pictures of our happy family>

Edited March 25, 2010 by spriggig
TOS violation

[ladydesigner]

Spriggig I think it only gives the other person power knowing that you feel powerless. I would not do it. Are you in counseling? I would see a counselor and try and live my life as happily and succesfully as it was meant to be lived. Later you may meet another woman who has even more to offer than your wife. I really feel sorry for your 11 year old. I really do not know how any mother could leave their children behind. No man is worth more than your child.

[califnan]

Myself and his family blamed her. But my husband was the responsible party - as far as leaving and giving up on the marriage.

 

Although my OW is now on her fourth husband (after my husband died) .. I would answer you: Why bother.

 

This is all the devil's work .. You will be blessed and stronger.. I hope that you will be able to keep custody of your son.. Later in life you will know that your son was the blessing.. You are still young enough to have a wonderful life with the Right woman ..

[2sure]

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think that as the BS, you have every single right and reason to want to contact the OM in some way. I think its valid that you want to tell him, what he has done and particapated in via YOUR LIFE.

 

Invited by your wife but not by you - he became a major player in YOUR LIFE. He had no right to do that just as your wife had no right to keep the facts of your life a secret from you.

 

So, yeah. Tell him. Make yourself tangible and real. Tell him the tangible and real results of him entering your life.

 

One time.

 

Sending the picture? I'm not sure. Yes, as long as the words you send with the picture are not asking for sympathy of any kind.

[whichwayisup]

Chances are, he truly doesn't care.. If he did, he wouldn't have helped himself to your wife.

 

Get a good lawyer, make sure you get full custody of your son. Take care of eachother and just know that one day your wife WILL regret her selfish and stupid choices..

[spriggig]

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think that as the BS, you have every single right and reason to want to contact the OM in some way. I think its valid that you want to tell him, what he has done and particapated in via YOUR LIFE.

 

Invited by your wife but not by you - he became a major player in YOUR LIFE. He had no right to do that just as your wife had no right to keep the facts of your life a secret from you.

 

So, yeah. Tell him. Make yourself tangible and real. Tell him the tangible and real results of him entering your life.

 

One time.

 

Sending the picture? I'm not sure. Yes, as long as the words you send with the picture are not asking for sympathy of any kind.

 

I understand the other posts saying "the best revenge is a life well lived."

 

I'm probably going to do it anyway. I'm going to send several pictures, so he can see the family he helped bring down.

 

Someone should hold him accountable, and no one else will.

[Snowflower]

I'm very sorry for your situation.

 

If sending this picture and message will make you feel better, help you heal, give you some closure to the sad end of your marriage, then I say do it. Everyone is different in what they need to heal. Like another poster said, you didn't ask for this person or situation to be brought into your life. You were powerless in a sense and if this helps you regain a sense of self-empowerment, then go for it. Just be careful in the what you say in your message (no threats, promises, etc). And only make contact once--for your own protection.

 

As for your son, my heart goes out to him. A similar thing happened to my husband as a child--his mother chose to have repeated affairs and left the family. Those scars run deep and can last a lifetime. Your son will need a lot of support and probably some professional counseling. Despite your STBXW's mistakes, please encourage a continued relationship between them. You sound like a good dad-you'll do what is best for your son.

[whichwayisup]

If you're going to do this then find out more about him and let his whole family know too.

 

Though just keep in mind, it may make things worse..There are consquences for everything..

[WalkInThePark]

You can do it but you will only make a fool of yourself. It shows that you are bitter. You probably are and it is totally understandable in a situation like that.

It's of course easier to be angry with the OM than with your wife. The OM did not force your wife to start an A with him. She was open to it.

[whichwayisup]

Or, wait till the divorce is final, then call him - Tell him, "She's all yours now, hope you feel it was worth it, and can sleep at night by helping her destroy her family, breaking her son's heart and turning his little life upside down."

 

There are ways of communicating with him, but the timing has to be right.

[sally4sara]

Do what you feel to be right for you. His reaction to it, whatever it may be, won't really change the crap situation you're dealing with. It might give him a bitter pill to swallow, it might alter the affair for your wife and him. It might do nothing, but I can't really see how it gives him any more power than he already has or makes you any less vulnerable to that than you already are. Its not like you will be disclosing any info previously unknown.

 

But you will still know it happened, it will still be the situation you now have now. If the OM did suddenly feel enough guilt to walk away from your wife - would you have her back? She is still the same person who betrayed you and your son. Would you need that person back in your life full force?

 

Send it or don't, but recognize that if your spouse is capable of doing this to you and your son, her being gone is like the trash truck came along and removed your worthless junk, giving you more room for better things. Maybe one day you will see him as less of a malevolent intruder and more the helpful trash removal service?

[califnan]

A funny side note: If I would have given a reminder like that to Aliede, she would have quipped "You are not a nice person" .. She strutts through life crowing that phrase.. She has even told the family of the new husband who has just rescued her, that she is going to make a nice person of their father (her new husband) ... ha

 

(you've got to love it: the audacity) ha

[JustJoe]

Sprig, as an ex-OM, this is interesting. I never caused my MW to cheat on her husband, I was just the guy who she did it with. If you want to think that your wife was somehow "lured", away from you by some kind of evil sex machine, and that your marriage was heaven on earth, before the OM came around , then you are being delusional.

[spriggig]

You can do it but you will only make a fool of yourself. It shows that you are bitter. You probably are and it is totally understandable in a situation like that.

It's of course easier to be angry with the OM than with your wife. The OM did not force your wife to start an A with him. She was open to it.

 

Oh, I'm angry at her most of all, and she knows it. She'll have to face me and her son for the rest of her life, knowing what she did--she'll forever be a cowardly woman who cheated on her husband and family.

 

What they did was perfectly legal and yet so very wrong. Who holds HIM accountable? No one? Not God, because both I and the OM are atheist.

[califnan]

Oh, I'm angry at her most of all, and she knows it. She'll have to face me and her son for the rest of her life, knowing what she did--she'll forever be a cowardly woman who cheated on her husband and family.

 

What they did was perfectly legal and yet so very wrong. Who holds HIM accountable? No one? Not God, because both I and the OM are atheist.

 

----------------------

 

Hmmm ... Please don't think they will prosper from this - or even be happy..

[Spark1111]

I understand the other posts saying "the best revenge is a life well lived."

 

I'm probably going to do it anyway. I'm going to send several pictures, so he can see the family he helped bring down.

 

Someone should hold him accountable, and no one else will.

 

Listen to someone who knows EXACTLY how you feel.

 

Make a phone call. Let him hear your voice. Letters, emails, texts do not have a tone to them and can be interpreted any way one wants.

 

Keep calling and speak directly TO HIM. Stay calm.

 

I did not become a real person to the OW in my triangle until I actually reached her at work and we spoke.

 

She had me spun as mean horrible person, probably because that was how I was portrayed during the affair.

 

Call him. Become a "real" heartbroken human being to him.

 

It may not change anything, but you WILL feel better for having done it, for having presented your very best self to him.

 

I did. Trust me on this this.

[xxoo]

What they did was perfectly legal and yet so very wrong. Who holds HIM accountable? No one? Not God, because both I and the OM are atheist.

 

I predict she'll hold him accountable, when she treats him with the same disregard that she treated you. As a mother, I can only imagine she is going to grow to regret what she's done if/when it affects her relationship with her son, and then she'll resent him.

 

Grieve, move on, and live well. Reality will hit them soon enough.

 

You have my sympathies, Sprigig. This sucks

[spriggig]

Sprig, as an ex-OM, this is interesting. I never caused my MW to cheat on her husband, I was just the guy who she did it with.

 

You had a choice in this, you could have chosen to do what I said above. Counsel her to return and confront her estranged husband. Instead you took advantage of the situation--yes willingly presented--to your own selfish ends. You played your part in destroying every marriage you intervened in, you could have chosen a more honorable path. Would it have happened anyway with some other OM? Possibly. Is that a valid excuse for YOU to make poor choices in your life? No.

 

If you want to think that your wife was somehow "lured", away from you by some kind of evil sex machine, and that your marriage was heaven on earth, before the OM came around , then you are being delusional.

 

Where have I said this? If you read my other posts, you'll see that I have publicly and privately taken full responsibility for my half of our failed marriage. In detail, for all to see.

 

You can't deflect your guilt as an OM by pointing out my failed responsibility as a husband.

 

The simple fact that you posted this excuse here shows that you have feelings of guilt. You should face them.

[spriggig]

Listen to someone who knows EXACTLY how you feel.

 

Make a phone call. Let him hear your voice. Letters, emails, texts do not have a tone to them and can be interpreted any way one wants.

 

Keep calling and speak directly TO HIM. Stay calm.

 

I did not become a real person to the OW in my triangle until I actually reached her at work and we spoke.

 

She had me spun as mean horrible person, probably because that was how I was portrayed during the affair.

 

Call him. Become a "real" heartbroken human being to him.

 

It may not change anything, but you WILL feel better for having done it, for having presented your very best self to him.

 

I did. Trust me on this this.

 

Wow, the voice of direct experience. Thank you!

[spriggig]

I predict she'll hold him accountable, when she treats him with the same disregard that she treated you. As a mother, I can only imagine she is going to grow to regret what she's done if/when it affects her relationship with her son, and then she'll resent him.

 

Grieve, move on, and live well. Reality will hit them soon enough.

 

You have my sympathies, Sprigig. This sucks

 

I want my pound of flesh. I want to hear him squirm like the worm he is. I like the idea of calling him. I don't want to passively wait for reality to hit them. I want them to be slapped aside the head with it in bright, glowing technicolor.

 

Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I think pointing the spot light and my finger will make me feel more empowered.

[Snowflower]

You had a choice in this, you could have chosen to do what I said above. Counsel her to return and confront her estranged husband. Instead you took advantage of the situation--yes willingly presented--to your own selfish ends. You played your part in destroying every marriage you intervened in, you could have chosen a more honorable path. Would it have happened anyway with some other OM? Possibly. Is that a valid excuse for YOU to make poor choices in your life? No.

 

 

 

Where have I said this? If you read my other posts, you'll see that I have publicly and privately taken full responsibility for my half of our failed marriage. In detail, for all to see.

 

You can't deflect your guilt as an OM by pointing out my failed responsibility as a husband.

 

The simple fact that you posted this excuse here shows that you have feelings of guilt. You should face them.

 

spriggig, I'm glad you wrote this. Every time a BS mentions that the OM/OW had a role in the affair, they are told to blame their WS. Of course, the WS is to blame but their OM/OW also has some culpability. They weren't forced into a relationship with the WS--they could have walked away, just like you said.

 

Who knows what impact your letter will have on the OM, maybe nothing will happen--but usually the BS is so minimized or made to be such an evil spouse by the WS that the affair partner doesn't realize (at that time in the affair) that the BS is a real person. Your letter to him might make him realize that yes, you are a real person who was very hurt by the choices your wife and he (yes he) made.

[ladydesigner]

Oh, I'm angry at her most of all, and she knows it. She'll have to face me and her son for the rest of her life, knowing what she did--she'll forever be a cowardly woman who cheated on her husband and family.

 

What they did was perfectly legal and yet so very wrong. Who holds HIM accountable? No one? Not God, because both I and the OM are atheist.

 

You know what I change my stance on this as I can feel your anger through this post. I say send it pictures and all. Let him see the happy times in your marriage, This OM will forever wonder whether your stbxw will cheat on him as well (I know that will always be in the back of his mind since their relationship has been built on lies and deceit).

 

I am also an atheist so I understand what you mean about God holding them accountable. They both know they have done something wrong and they have to live with themselves. Your stbxw needs to REALLY wake up and see the son she is losing, she will never get that back. To up and leave a child like that is despicable. Your stbxw is not a mother at heart this sickens me. I hope you win custody of your son and live your lives to the fullest.

 

(((Srpiggig)))

[spriggig]

If you're going to do this then find out more about him and let his whole family know too.

 

Though just keep in mind, it may make things worse..There are consquences for everything..

 

No, I won't be including his family in this.

[spriggig]

If you want to think that your wife was somehow "lured", away from you by some kind of evil sex machine, and that your marriage was heaven on earth, before the OM came around , then you are being delusional.

 

What I meant to say here is that by posting a general, one-size-fits-all excuse here without bothering to discover the truth behind my situation--which you could have easily done by clicking my name, but chose not to--you have unwittingly exposed your own insecurities.

[spriggig]

Your stbxw is not a mother at heart this sickens me.

 

(((Srpiggig)))

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. Every time this sentiment comes up I feel compelled to defend her. With the one exception of her cheating, she is an excellent mother--a far better mother than I have been father, truth be told. I have worked hard to redeem myself as a father and the results show. My son loves and respects me now and I love and respect him.

 

She can never redeem herself as a cheating wife, that will be with her forever.