Confronting the OM

[hopesndreams]

When people are capable of cheating that ends up destroying families, they are not like those that could never do such a thing. They have an evil streak, and because of this, getting the family pics might just make his day. It will be laughed at. He will be incapable of feeling anything for you and the kids. He knew what he was doing when he became involved with your W. It does not and did not matter to him then, now or in the future what would become of your M and family. Your W didn't care either. Two broken, twisted people got together and had fun.

 

Keep in mind Sprigg, the OM is yes, a lowlife with no morals BUT if it weren't for him your W would have been cheating with someone else. The OM didn't make her do what she did because he was all that and a bag of chips and she couldn't resist and he couldn't turn her away. The OM could have been anyone. Don't focus on him. He's nothing. The focus should be on your wife. SHE did this to you.

[spriggig]

I'll probably do this tonight, so check back for an update. I'll let you all know what happens, if anything.

[hopesndreams]

Have you been to the OM/OW forum? Reading that will give you a different perspective on this. THEY do not CARE. They are only out for themselves, no matter who gets hurt. Their fun, their "love", overrides everything and anything. It is a completely different mindset to those that are incapable of betraying someone.

[Spark1111]

Right, because his response will be the same as JustJoe's on the first page.

 

"I'm just the guy she did it with."

 

That is really how MANY affair partners feel...If not them, then someone else.

 

THe problem is, that is most likely a very true statement. You are not only soooo close to DDay, she is leaving you. What a rollercoaster you are on.

 

Please try to stay sane through it all. Act from a position of strength whenever possible. Try to live your life without regret. Make the best choices and take the highest road.

 

Good luck!

[spriggig]

The OM could have been anyone. Don't focus on him. He's nothing. The focus should be on your wife. SHE did this to you.

 

 

She is getting what she wants and deserves--a divorce. Our son, the most innocent victim in this is getting a broken family.

 

They are not evil, they chose to do an evil thing. They are both good people who made really bad choices.

 

I want to do what I can to open their eyes to that, right now they are both still in the fog, supporting each other in their decisions.

 

I've done what I can with her.

 

He is the last piece. I'll do what I can with him and then I'll have done all I could.

 

Ultimately that is what all BSs want to be able to say: "When I found out, I took the high road as far as I could. I did the best I could do."

 

I will be able to look my son in the eye for the rest of my life and tell him I did the best I could do and I did absolutely everything I could think of. And, it will be true.

 

I'll regret the things I did, not the things I didn't do.

Edited March 25, 2010 by spriggig

[realworldexplorer]

spriggig,

 

My advice is to try and transcend your rage against an unjust situation. It is very difficult to do but will bring peace to you. I have struggled for a couple of years against wanting retribution from the grifter that invaded my marriage. He is truly a low life that has no conscience and anything I say or do to him will only come back to haunt me. This is the world we live in SOMETIMES. This type of human will usually have their bad karma revisited back on them somehow. I really craved justice in my situation, but the paradox is that it would have harmed me more. I have decided to leave it in the past and move forward peacefully. I don't need to know of this person or waste any more energy on him, he REALLY is not worth another thought. It is very tough to walk away as you feel that you have been raped and the person got away with it. I can't control or force other peoples morals, behaviour or actions, only my own. Through this experience you can become an even better person and really get to know yourself if you go that extra mile and take the high road. This pain can be valuable for your personal growth if you take the right perspective. Good luck.

[SleepingDog]

You should do whatever it takes to make you feel better, that's the best advice I can give. I confronted OM and that weasel, after he finally dared to pick up the phone, he said "I have nothing to say to you", and hung up. He was man enough to screw my wife, but not man enough to face up to the consequences.

 

I then confronted him in a public space, at an occassion that was important to him. Hey, sure, I may have made a fool of myself, but do you think I could have cared at that moment? I still think about the affair a lot occasionally - it is 10 yeas ago now - but this still makes me smile.

 

Good point: show him what he did, without being pathetic. I told him that what he had done had not only ruined my marriage but also my career (I did notwork for 3 months after D-Day). And that I did hold my wife accountable, buthe too had had a choice. I said he wasn't raped, she didn't put a gun to his head, he could have said "no".

 

OM are like vampires: they need to be invited to get into your house, but they are still blood stucking fiends that need to be exposed to direct sunlight.

 

"I'm just the guy she did it with." Check those OW boards and sites: thats what 99,9 % of them think and it is impossible to make them think otherwise. Its maddening. I've had married people come on to me before I was married and was tempted, but remember myself thinking "I don't want to do that to that poor guy". And that was before I even knew what betrayal felt like.

 

You do whatever it takes to feel better! It is not true this puts him in control. This is you taking back the control that the two of them robbed from you. It might backfire, but you'll get some pride back for not have taken it all lying down.

 

Other things to do: Sow seeds of doubt. What you could say is, if hes's "the guy she did it with," then what does that say about their relationship? So much for the 'soul mate' these people find. Also: I made sure his parents knew about the affair. I bet they were proud of their boy!

 

Get this out of your system. But then start to live well. This relationship of theirs is doomed to fail: a 40 year old woman with a 28 year old guy? You are more fortunate. There are plenty of women out there who like older men. You could even yet start a second family. I envy you; I stayed with my wife and things are still hard occasionally. You get a second chance at happiness.

[dreamingoftigers]

It is really horrible that she would betray a willing spouse.

It is really sad that she would throw away her son's security for something cheap.

 

The OM is really cheap.

[spriggig]

Here is what I said:

 

When you gained her trust and had her ear you could have counseled her to return to her husband, confront him about how unhappy she was and try to work things out. Instead you chose the selfish path. Take a look at what you had a hand in destroying.

 

Certainly the majority of the responsibility for the affair is with (WS)--I know the story--but there is plenty of blame to go around and you are not innocent in this by any means.

 

I can stand proud in my handling of this situation with my only sin being ignorance.

 

I wonder, how proud are you of the role you've played?

 

Oh, and yeah, it feels really good to do this. Highly recommended. Even if I get no response, it was well worth the effort.

 

And I sent several pictures including our son's birth pictures, our wedding picture and some vacation pics.

Edited March 26, 2010 by spriggig

[GG2W]

It will only add to the power of his conquest

[on1wheel]

I understand the other posts saying "the best revenge is a life well lived."

 

I'm probably going to do it anyway. I'm going to send several pictures, so he can see the family he helped bring down.

 

Someone should hold him accountable, and no one else will.

First off, I am sorry for what ur going through. A mother that can abandon her child for sex with another man doesn't deserve to be a parent.

IMO, just because a woman can have a child doesn't mean she should...perfect example here. I am sooo sorry for ur 11 year old, as how do they understand why Mommy is gone & was it their fault?

I pray u2 will be OK.

As for whether U should send ur letter/pics, answer this..."Will it make U feel better or give you some type of closure?"

If the answer is yes, then do it. I agree that he probably won't care, as he must have known she was married with an 11 year old child. Doesn't matter though, as ur sending it for ur piece of mind not his.

U must also think whether U'd even want her back if ur letter worked & he kicked her to the curb? Hopefully just as the rest of the trash is collected.

Keep us posted, as we will all be pulling for U.

[spriggig]

You say that I should have been the responsible one and refused the WS and counseled her to go back and work on her marriage...

 

Would this not have been the ADULT and HONEST thing to do?

 

It IS the moral and honest thing to do to turn away a married woman, to respect the marriage above your OWN SELFISH DESIRES. You didn't do that. That is immoral and dishonest. It's very simple. You know you did the wrong thing.

 

Really, no responsibility for your actions at all?

Edited March 26, 2010 by spriggig

[Church Bells]

When you gained her trust and had her ear you could have counseled her to return to her husband, confront him about how unhappy she was and try to work things out. Instead you chose the selfish path. Take a look at what you had a hand in destroying.

 

Certainly the majority of the responsibility for the affair is with (WS)--I know the story--but there is plenty of blame to go around and you are not innocent in this by any means.

 

I can stand proud in my handling of this situation with my only sin being ignorance.

 

I wonder, how proud are you of the role you've played?

 

When I read through this thread this morning, I kept hoping that you WOULDN'T send something like the above. I hoped you would pick up the phone and tell him directly.

 

I'm a big fan of confrontation and even revenge, but the above comes off as very weak. Why not ... at least ... follow up on this email with a direct confrontation, which I understand for logistical reasons would have to be by phone.

 

Seriously, this guy may be an ex-marine, but RIGHT NOW ... he's just a 28 year old kid still living at home with his parents ... and you're a GROWN ASS MAN. Talk to him like one MAN talks to another one that has WRONGED him.

 

Let him KNOW that you still have your self-respect, while he now has a lying, cheating slut to deal with.

[spriggig]

If you cant' keep your wife from straying, you have only yourself and her to blame if she gets roped by another cowboy.

 

This analogy? I don't think you'd actually steal another man's cattle. You'd rope it and return it. Or has the army or even your mom not taught you this either?

 

You actually just compared a marriage to owning cattle? Wow.

[Dexter Morgan]

He lives in another state and has been carrying on LDR with my wife for 10 months. She left me and her 11 year old son behind for two weeks in February to meet him in person and have sex.

 

I hope you have a way to prove this and document that she left the kids with you so she could go off and have sex with someone else.

 

if you are going for custody, a father needs all the help he can get. you could make a case for temporary abandonment

[Rearden Metal]

Sprig, I've only had one affair, so ease up on the accusations, Okay? You completely misunderstood my post. Your marriage is with your wife, not with me. You and her f**ked it up, the OM had nothing to do with your bad marriage. BTW I'm an Army officer, not a marriage counselor. You say that I should have been the responsible one and refused the WS and counseled her to go back and work on her marriage , is another weak attempt to shift the blame for your crap onto me. What about YOU being responsible and HER being responsible? If you both had acted like adults, I wouldn't even be in the picture. I owe the BS nothing, except honesty. And that's exactly what I gave him. If you cant' keep your wife from straying, you have only yourself and her to blame if she gets roped by another cowboy.

 

I say this with the utmost respect for your opinions. You are just downright unlikeable.

[spriggig]

I hope you have a way to prove this and document that she left the kids with you so she could go off and have sex with someone else.

 

if you are going for custody, a father needs all the help he can get. you could make a case for temporary abandonment

 

OK, I haven't addressed this point before on this forum, I don't think.

 

I'm giving her custody. She IS a good mother. Fighting over our son would be more damaging to him than simply allowing her custody. Also, frankly I can't afford the battle, neither financially or emotionally. The stress would probably cost me my job, what has happened already has put me half out the door at work.

[spriggig]

When I read through this thread this morning, I kept hoping that you WOULDN'T send something like the above. I hoped you would pick up the phone and tell him directly.

 

I'm a big fan of confrontation and even revenge, but the above comes off as very weak. Why not ... at least ... follow up on this email with a direct confrontation, which I understand for logistical reasons would have to be by phone.

 

Seriously, this guy may be an ex-marine, but RIGHT NOW ... he's just a 28 year old kid still living at home with his parents ... and you're a GROWN ASS MAN. Talk to him like one MAN talks to another one that has WRONGED him.

 

Let him KNOW that you still have your self-respect, while he now has a lying, cheating slut to deal with.

 

If I give in to anger, I've lost. Besides, he IS a Marine, so he knows what to do with anger that comes his way. I'm trying to open his eyes a bit. Anger just raises defenses.

[califnan]

OK, I haven't addressed this point before on this forum, I don't think.

 

I'm giving her custody. She IS a good mother. Fighting over our son would be more damaging to him than simply allowing her custody. Also, frankly I can't afford the battle, neither financially or emotionally. The stress would probably cost me my job, what has happened already has put me half out the door at work.

 

------------------

 

I am in agreement with you that a child needs his mother ...Both parents. And should not be made a tug of war .. that is showing Love for him..

 

But forgive me for not reading through the posts .. Is she now in a diff state? In Calif - law is both parents must reside in same state. Will you only be visiting him ?

[califnan]

Sprig, I've only had one affair, so ease up on the accusations, Okay? You completely misunderstood my post. Your marriage is with your wife, not with me. You and her f**ked it up, the OM had nothing to do with your bad marriage. BTW I'm an Army officer, not a marriage counselor. You say that I should have been the responsible one and refused the WS and counseled her to go back and work on her marriage , is another weak attempt to shift the blame for your crap onto me. What about YOU being responsible and HER being responsible? If you both had acted like adults, I wouldn't even be in the picture. I owe the BS nothing, except honesty. And that's exactly what I gave him. If you cant' keep your wife from straying, you have only yourself and her to blame if she gets roped by another cowboy.

 

----------------------

 

Joe, you had me fooled also.. I had thought by your posts that you had a career of having different married women .. ha

 

But I must interject .. that through talking to others, and esp from some of the LS posts - I am aware that married people have affairs - just because they fall in love with others - but that they will say that they Still love their spouse as well.. Point I am trying to make is that not all affairs happen as a result of trouble from within the marriage ..

[whichwayisup]

You and her f**ked it up, the OM had nothing to do with your bad marriage.

The OM had a helping hand in making it worse. If you can't see that, then (sorry) it means that you aren't ready to own your part in your OWN affair with your MW. The OP in the affair isn't an innocent person. It takes TWO for an affair.

 

I'm giving her custody

 

Why not have shared custody?

 

Just know though, that this OM is going to be around your son alot if she gets full custody.

[whichwayisup]

Point I am trying to make is that not all affairs happen as a result of trouble from within the marriage ..

 

Very true. Alot of the time the CS is broken inside, and looks outside of the marriage for selfish reasons - Reasons that really have nothing to do with the actual marriage. It's just too easy for the CS and OM/OW to blame the marriage and the BS, to justify cheating.

[spriggig]

You played your part in destroying every marriage you intervened in, you could have chosen a more honorable path.

 

I made the assumption that there was more than one. So, it should say, "You played your part in destroying the marriage you intervened in..."

[JustJoe]

Sprig, I am responsible for MY actions. But blaming the OM for you and your wife's irresponsible behavior is evasion, pure and simple. When my affair started, my MW didn't tell me she was married until we had been together 3 or 4 times. Yes, after that, I should have ended it, and that is MY mistake. But her cheating on her husband isn't my fault. And the problems in their marriage aren't my responsibility , either. If you want to confront the OM, do it. But if you think that by doing so, it excuses your wife's behavior, or lessens your own responsibility for your marriage issues, you are not being honest with yourself. Blaming it all on the OM is the "feel good", solution, but not the real one.

[spriggig]

It will only add to the power of his conquest

 

Yeah, I understood this before hand because of JustJoe's complete denial of responsibility.

 

Yet, I still believe that people are more complex than their surface responses. Somewhere deep inside JustJoe and nearly all OMs, mommy is telling them that they did a bad thing.

 

They can run but they can't hide from their own guilt. It's always underfoot and causing them doubt in themselves and their SO's.

 

If I can do something to bring that to the surface and expose it to the light, then I will try.