Confronting the OM

[xxoo]

I think it is great that you did what you needed to you, as long as your satisfaction is not dependent on a response (or a particular response).

 

And i think you look very handsome in your avatar pic!

[spriggig]

Ok, I got a response:

 

"I counseled her to do only that which would make her happy. I see no place where I am to blame. I have nothing against you man, but it is not my fault that you put your marriage on the back burner for years. You send me a lot of pictures, but how old are those? When was the last time you took a picture? If you had taken a picture 6 months ago you may not have seen so many smiles."

What he says is true enough and the expected response.

 

I didn't say it was his fault that I put my marriage on the back burner for years. This is the same thing I just went through in this forum.

 

How proud am I of what I have done? I AM proud enough to introduce her to my family. My family isn't so vain to care where someone comes from though. You seem to think you know so much about me, but your sophomoric attitude towards me is really just going to make me angry. I understand why you are upset, and even a little upset at me. However this is a situation of your own crafting. Continue to email me, gather information about me, or harass me, and I will be forced to take appropriate action. Let me tell you what else I'm proud of: my time served in the United States Marine Corps, the training I received, the medals and honors I acquired in combat, and the ability seek out, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and manuevre. It's the same gun club (WS) brother and father were part of.

He doesn't say that he told his parents that she was married with kids at the time of the visit, which is what I asked him--only that he introduced her. Of course it's possible his family is messed up to the point that bringing home a married woman wouldn't even raise an eyebrow.

 

I DON'T want to make him angry, because that leads to defensive behavior. When a person is defending themselves, they are not considering how they might be wrong, only how they must be right.

 

Then he deflects responsibility back to me "this is a situation of your own crafting". Again same response I got in this forum.

 

Then he threatens me "I will be forced to take appropriate action", by which he means legal action, but goes on to say "the ability to seek out, close with and destroy the enemy by fire" in the context of describing his abilities. So it's a veiled threat.

 

I understand why you are upset, and even a little upset at me.

This is as close as I'm going to get: "...even a little upset at me". He admits in a backhanded way that he has done something "a little" wrong. This is more than I expected him to admit in any way.

 

I won't be contacting him again. Not because of his threats but because further contact would only make him more defensive--he said it "you're sophomoric attitude... is just going to make me angry." When people get angry they get defensive.

 

I want him to think about how he might be wrong not how he must be right.

Edited March 26, 2010 by spriggig

[Woman In Blue]

Who holds HIM accountable? No one? Not God, because both I and the OM are atheist.

LOL...not meaning any disrespect, but just because YOU and lover boy don't believe in God doesn't make it so. As the others have said, handing this guy pictures and telling him how he 'brought a family down' merely gives him power and in the process, makes you look like a whiner.

 

Your wife screwed up and SHE'S the one who destroyed your family. He was just the jerkoff she chose to let help her.

[spriggig]

LOL...not meaning any disrespect, but just because YOU and lover boy don't believe in God doesn't make it so. As the others have said, handing this guy pictures and telling him how he 'brought a family down' merely gives him power and in the process, makes you look like a whiner.

 

Your wife screwed up and SHE'S the one who destroyed your family. He was just the jerkoff she chose to let help her.

 

I don't really care if people see me as a whiner. Go toss your school yard taunts somewhere else. See the post above to understand how I got more than I expected from the encounter. If you don't understand what's going on here, then go educate yourself.

Edited March 26, 2010 by spriggig

[spriggig]

I started this thread and stated that I was angry. That put me in defensive position where I thought I must be right. Am I a hypocrite, maybe--probably.

 

So, through this thread I realized that what I wanted was for the OM to do what the other OM in this thread did. Admit on some level that he had a responsibility in the affair--that he was not only "just the guy she did it with".

 

I think I got as close to that as I can get.

 

Thanks for going along for the ride and all you're input. I really enjoyed this and learned quite a bit.

[Ima Texan]

please have your guard down as you read my post.. I am a former OM..

 

I am not saying that this is the case with your situation, and I dont know if it has been covered here yet or not, but in MY situation, I am not what others here, including yourself, want to make the OM out to be, as one poster called us, a "blood sucking vampire?" Nor am I a scumbag, a f*ckhead or whatever other adjectives that have been tossed around.

 

YES, I was at fault, to a point. At first (and this is probably where your wife and OM are at ) is she, your wife, is painting all kinds of pictures that may or may not be true. And by your own admittance, the marriage had its faults, and you owned your part of that (of course that doesnt make her choices right) **oh, let me add, I am not defending her OR him**

 

I was told, "the marriage is over, it's only a matter of time, we dont sleep together anymore, I will be seeing an attorney, H is a doofus, we fell out of love a long time ago, blah, blah, blah, blah). I thought that I just showed up early... I didnt have to "advise her" to go fix things, as I was being told they were being fixed, as in headed for divorce. MY FAULT came when I started to see that it wasnt necessarily the case.. That she was having her cake and eating it too... THAT IS WHEN I should have "counselled" to sh*t or get off the pot, or just leave.. and I didnt.

 

I guess what I am saying here is this. And actually, I think I am saying it more to the others than you... But to you, you have said your peace, as much as you can, theirs will come, NOW, take care of your son...

 

You know the facts, as much as you need to know, you are divorcing your wife (good for you) and there IS a bright future for you and you son, and you and your lovelife, when that time is right. She wont end up with this guy for good, aint no way....

 

thanks for allowing me to chat

[bestplayer]

For your info, Sprig. I was the one who forced D-Day on my MW and her husband, (to force her to choose) who was too much of a doormat, to confront his own wife. I was the one who ended the affair (she is still messaging me to take her back) so go ahead and make your little passive-agressive comments on MY morals. If YOU had read any of MY posts on other threads, you would know this. But by all means, blame me. I can take it. I said it before, if the Iraqis and Taliban can't kill me, I'm not too worried about peoples comments. I'm perfectly willing to help anyone, I don't have to be bad-mouthed, to do so.

 

JustJoe , I really dont mean to be harsh but more u r justifying & defending ur position as OM , more rudiclous it sounds .

 

Ever heard of this ?

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

[spriggig]

please have your guard down as you read my post.. I am a former OM..

 

I am not saying that this is the case with your situation, and I dont know if it has been covered here yet or not, but in MY situation, I am not what others here, including yourself, want to make the OM out to be, as one poster called us, a "blood sucking vampire?" Nor am I a scumbag, a f*ckhead or whatever other adjectives that have been tossed around.

 

YES, I was at fault, to a point. At first (and this is probably where your wife and OM are at ) is she, your wife, is painting all kinds of pictures that may or may not be true. And by your own admittance, the marriage had its faults, and you owned your part of that (of course that doesnt make her choices right) **oh, let me add, I am not defending her OR him**

 

I was told, "the marriage is over, it's only a matter of time, we dont sleep together anymore, I will be seeing an attorney, H is a doofus, we fell out of love a long time ago, blah, blah, blah, blah). I thought that I just showed up early... I didnt have to "advise her" to go fix things, as I was being told they were being fixed, as in headed for divorce. MY FAULT came when I started to see that it wasnt necessarily the case.. That she was having her cake and eating it too... THAT IS WHEN I should have "counselled" to sh*t or get off the pot, or just leave.. and I didnt.

 

I guess what I am saying here is this. And actually, I think I am saying it more to the others than you... But to you, you have said your peace, as much as you can, theirs will come, NOW, take care of your son...

 

You know the facts, as much as you need to know, you are divorcing your wife (good for you) and there IS a bright future for you and you son, and you and your lovelife, when that time is right. She wont end up with this guy for good, aint no way....

 

thanks for allowing me to chat

 

Thank you so much for this post. I know I'm riding a little high from this thread and I was about to unsubscribe from it so I could try to "realign" myself. Yes, you are right and thank you--my focus now must be on my son first and then my own well-being so I can take care of him.

[JustJoe]

If this thread has helped you confront any issues you may have had, then LS is doing what it was intended to do. All persons should be able to come here and express themselves without being personally insulted or assualted. You have, in general, conducted yourself well, and I sincerely hope that you will at some point , get the closure that you should be entitled to. In an affair, nobody is blameless. Every participant has some responsibility for their actions, but by the same token, every participant is influenced by the actions and words of the others. Yes, I was a fool to believe her lies, the many , many times, she said that she would leave her marriage. Yet if you had seen her, and held her and loved her, you might have believed the same things. This is NOT an excuse, just a statement of fact.

[JustJoe]

I'ma Texan, I hear you . This is exactly what happened to me. Every time she would leave her H, he would throw money at her, to get her to stay. Trips abroad, jewelry, clothes, anything she wanted, and everything she asked for.When I finally realized that she was never going to leave her rich husband for my more middle-class lifestyle, I knew I would have to act, and I did.

[ladydesigner]

When I finally realized that she was never going to leave her rich husband for my more middle-class lifestyle, I knew I would have to act, and I did.

 

But did you act to see if she would leave for you or because you thought her H deserved to know what was going on? Or both maybe? Just curious I don't mean it to be offensive in any way just curious as to the motivation.

[JustJoe]

To be honest, both. I wanted closure, one way or another. For ALL our sakes.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Let me tell you what else I'm proud of: my time served in the United States Marine Corps, the training I received, the medals and honors I acquired in combat, and the ability seek out, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and manuevre. It's the same gun club (WS) brother and father were part of.

 

Sounds like he’s trying too hard to overcompensate for something.

 

But since he brought it up, what earned this kid honor and respect as a soldier does not earn him honor and respect as a civilian if he can’t honor and respect his fellow neighbor. And if he thinks all his guns and medals automatically grant him respect and tenor when it comes to his own disrespectful behavior and poor conduct… perhaps he needs to reminded that the uniform doesn’t represent the man, rather the man should represent his uniform.

 

Although I’m sure he wasn’t wearing one while he was happily tapping another man’s wife.

 

Spriggig… in spite of your contribution to your marital discord, you were NOT responsible for how your wife and this self-important opportunist chose to handle it. I have more respect for you as a human being and as a Man without the gun, the medals, the honors and self-serving patriotism.

 

Hold your head up high.

[hopesndreams]

Thank you so much for this post. I know I'm riding a little high from this thread and I was about to unsubscribe from it so I could try to "realign" myself. Yes, you are right and thank you--my focus now must be on my son first and then my own well-being so I can take care of him.

 

Yes, don't allow the cheating hussy, "good mother" take your son away from you and move to another state. I know it's tough to be a single parent. I ended up just that but also had a grandson to care for while H rode off into the sunset to be with, in his mind, the most perfect woman on the planet. All she was/is a very young woman, with a 4 year old son, in an unhappy M looking at my H as her Exit affair. You must keep those you love close to you during this difficult time, no matter what financial, emotional stresses come into play.

 

We make it in this world loving and caring for those we treasure. Do not turn your back on your young son thinking the W is better equipped to deal with him. He needs a sane, loving parent to care for him and protect him from the evil things people do, especially so when the evilness has been done by his own mother.

 

You say you want no regrets and to do whatever you can to make things right. You've done that. Now, it is YOU and YOUR SON time.

 

Just pack her bags. You will make it financially. Let her go be with the no scruple bf. They both deserve each other.

[Ima Texan]

Thank you so much for this post. I know I'm riding a little high from this thread and I was about to unsubscribe from it so I could try to "realign" myself. Yes, you are right and thank you--my focus now must be on my son first and then my own well-being so I can take care of him.

 

First you are welcome.. I wish I wasnt in the position to have this knowledge, but alas, I am...

 

Second, what I bolded above are ONE AND THE SAME....

 

take care

[Dexter Morgan]

hmmm...seems someone in this thread can't take the cold hard truth about himself, but likes to try get sprigs's goat.

 

again sprig, pay no mind to him. he isn't worth anyone's time.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't really care if people see me as a whiner. Go toss your school yard taunts somewhere else. See the post above to understand how I got more than I expected from the encounter. If you don't understand what's going on here, then go educate yourself.

 

I don't think she meant that she sees you as a whiner, but that the worthless piece of crap OM will.

 

trust me my man, been there done that. He isn't worth your time...and neither is your stb, thank god, x wife.

 

they are saving 2 other people by being together. you and some other poor woman out there.

[sweetjasmine]

Let me tell you what else I'm proud of: my time served in the United States Marine Corps, the training I received, the medals and honors I acquired in combat, and the ability seek out, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and manuevre. It's the same gun club (WS) brother and father were part of.

 

Heh, looks like you touched a nerve. He went on the defensive pretty fast.

 

It's pretty disgusting and revolting when people play the "I SERVED IN THE MILITARY - RESPECT ME!" card to justify their BS and pretend that it should make them immune from criticism. My SO is a vet, and one of my good friends is a former Marine (decorated with medals, killed people), and they don't pull that kind of immature crap and have zero respect for vets who do.

 

I hope this has helped you out and will help you get some closure.

 

LOL...not meaning any disrespect, but just because YOU and lover boy don't believe in God doesn't make it so.

 

Sorry, what does this have to do with anything? What's with the attitude?

[FryFish]

OP's have ZERO responsibility to be a friend to the marriage UNLESS they are actually a friend to the marriage. If they arent previously known to the marriage and a friend of both people then they are not betraying anyone nor are they the people who should get any of the ire. At worst they are a symptom. Sprig, this kid didnt betray you. This kid doesnt know you from a hole in the wall. It is not this kids fault that your wife cheated. This kid was never your friend, he was just some stranger that your wife used. He doesnt owe you a second thought. He doesnt owe you remorse. Is he a bad person?... Who am I to say? He is a human.

 

After I was cheated on I became a serial OM for a good few months... at first it was... I dont know why at first but I was utterly disgusted with how easily it is to find willing cheaters. A couple were sick/mean bitches and some were just bad at being faithful. I didnt make it easy to cheat with me, well I mean I was there but I mean I would remind them that they already had partners. Often times I would do this right in the middle of sex. I felt good when they felt bad about it... I felt angry when they didnt seem to care at all. I disclosed myself for the couple of mean girls... I advised disclosure and separation for the other handful...

 

The point I want to make is htat a cheating partner is going to cheat. The OP is just another person...

[Ima Texan]

OP's have ZERO responsibility to be a friend to the marriage UNLESS they are actually a friend to the marriage. If they arent previously known to the marriage and a friend of both people then they are not betraying anyone nor are they the people who should get any of the ire. At worst they are a symptom. Sprig, this kid didnt betray you. This kid doesnt know you from a hole in the wall. It is not this kids fault that your wife cheated. This kid was never your friend, he was just some stranger that your wife used. He doesnt owe you a second thought. He doesnt owe you remorse. Is he a bad person?... Who am I to say? He is a human.

 

After I was cheated on I became a serial OM for a good few months... at first it was... I dont know why at first but I was utterly disgusted with how easily it is to find willing cheaters. A couple were sick/mean bitches and some were just bad at being faithful. I didnt make it easy to cheat with me, well I mean I was there but I mean I would remind them that they already had partners. Often times I would do this right in the middle of sex. I felt good when they felt bad about it... I felt angry when they didnt seem to care at all. I disclosed myself for the couple of mean girls... I advised disclosure and separation for the other handful...

 

The point I want to make is htat a cheating partner is going to cheat. The OP is just another person...

 

Wow! Just, um, wow....

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

 

I don't understand posters stating you don't have a right to be angry toward this man and confront him. His actions have negatively impacted your life and the life of your child. FOREVER!

 

As a civilized society (and I use that term loosely) we have an obligation to one another.

[FryFish]

I don't understand posters stating you don't have a right to be angry toward this man and confront him. His actions have negatively impacted your life and the life of your child. FOREVER!

Im not saying that he has no right, just that the anger is fruitless and almost entirely misplaced.

 

the OM never broke any promises to anybody.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think you did well,

 

You can see the character of the person she ended up with.

 

He is angry and narcissistic. Cheap.

 

Once the fog clears, the regret will be huge

[JustJoe]

ONce the OM knew about the marriage, he should have ended his affair, but that is far easier said than done. All of the BS'S believed the lies of the WS, why is the OM supposed to be less gullible?

[Samantha0905]

Wow! Just, um, wow....

 

Insane and sad. Really sick sad.