Finissima Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 i'm such a girl sometimes...but i have the tendency to overreact to stupid little things and get really needy. this was never a problem in our non long distance relationship. my boyfriend is not a fighter, and so if i started getting huffy, he'd just crack a stupid joke or grab me and make me cuddle. but in our LDR...i get huffy, and he gets quiet, and then i get huffier (lol?). and it tends to become a bigger deal, and even after we talk i have a hard time feeling that things are resolved because i don't get the cuddle or see the smile. it's always over the silliest little things - comments he maybe shouldn't have made that were jokes when i'm in a bad mood, or little things i make up in my head. how do you guys deal with the stupid little fights couples have in the context of LDR? Link to post Share on other sites
Away Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Well... this might not be the most healthy way to do it, but when I'm being too much of a girl and getting too needy or whatever... i just stay quiet and say nothing... yeah.. probably not the right way to go.. although, we haven't had a single fight since he left 4 months ago... Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Well... this might not be the most healthy way to do it, but when I'm being too much of a girl and getting too needy or whatever... i just stay quiet and say nothing... yeah.. probably not the right way to go.. although, we haven't had a single fight since he left 4 months ago... I do the same thing, lol. I just get really quiet and usually say I'm going to go or something. Then my boyfriend usually knows something up, asks me what's wrong, and we try to calmly talk things out with me trying not to get slightly overdramatic (as I have a tendency to do that at times, lol). Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Sorry, but if you are genuinely upset, the last thing your BF should do is laugh at you or stonewall you--i.e. refuse to talk. That is a clear sign he doesn't care how you feel or respect what you have say. All he wants to do is avoid a conflict. That is classic passive-aggressive behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Well... this might not be the most healthy way to do it, but when I'm being too much of a girl and getting too needy or whatever... i just stay quiet and say nothing... yeah.. probably not the right way to go.. although, we haven't had a single fight since he left 4 months ago... Hey! I have been in an LDR for two years and we just recently had our first fight. It's perfectly normal to to have disagreements. I think that communication is key in any relationship and more so in an LDR. I try to always communicate how I am feeling, which sometimes feel risky, but because I love and trust my partner I want him to be able to understand how I am feeling. It gives him a point of reference and avoids any unnecessary worry on his part. How about just saying how you feel at that exact moment when you feel 'huffy' it may not sound rational but emotions are not always based on rational thoughts. I find that as soon as I say how I am feeling that I feel better instantly. I try to always be honest about my feelings and take responsibility for them instead of making it his job to make me feel better. I also ask for the things that I want or would like. It's okay to ask. Relationships are about working equally together. It's not always perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Finissima Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 thanks to everyone - it helps to know i am not the only one! i do like the strategy of just saying nothing when i am in a bad mood - usually my boyfriend knows when i am mad. i should probably also try to just say, wow i am a bad mood, help cheer me up rather than making incendiary comments... Link to post Share on other sites
Away Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Hey! I try to always be honest about my feelings and take responsibility for them instead of making it his job to make me feel better. I also ask for the things that I want or would like. Exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 how do you guys deal with the stupid little fights couples have in the context of LDR? One: Don't be a stupid little girl. Two: Avoid stupid little men. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Not that easy, Tara, really. Relationships were never meant to be conducted over a phone or webcam for the long term - I'm beginning to understand that more and more. Fights are way, way, way, WAY easier to avoid and diffuse IRL as opposed to online. I wish I knew the answer, OP, I really do. I think it would have made a world of a difference to my current LDR. At the moment, though, I just keep telling myself that, '2 more months and we'll at least be able to argue the way RL couples do - and it won't just be over something he said that I misinterpreted, or the lack of verbal affection on his part, at least'. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Actually - it IS that easy. I conducted an LDR for several months, I can swear we never ever had an argument on the phone, ever because we were sensible, and it's just a power game..... Really. It IS that easy. you just don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Mathew and I don't do this. We just don't. We have both matured in our relationship to the point that we know when things are worth fighting over and when they aren't. Honestly, I don't think we actually fight. When we disagree we just talk things out and it never becomes something big. I just don't see the point in picking little fights with each other. Seems kind of silly. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 i'm such a girl sometimes...but i have the tendency to overreact to stupid little things and get really needy. this was never a problem in our non long distance relationship. my boyfriend is not a fighter, and so if i started getting huffy, he'd just crack a stupid joke or grab me and make me cuddle. but in our LDR...i get huffy, and he gets quiet, and then i get huffier (lol?). and it tends to become a bigger deal, and even after we talk i have a hard time feeling that things are resolved because i don't get the cuddle or see the smile. it's always over the silliest little things - comments he maybe shouldn't have made that were jokes when i'm in a bad mood, or little things i make up in my head. how do you guys deal with the stupid little fights couples have in the context of LDR? Fighting isn't always a bad thing. Now, if you're constantly fighting left and right then yes that may be problematic. My SO & I have pretty dramatic fights sometimes - and I play my fair share in it. Not "I hate you, it's over" kind of fights, no. In fact our fighting which happens rarely - is just passionate. We are very honest and in the moment & it's helpful. We get our true feelings out and that allows us both to address the problem - and move on. If you are constantly picking fights again that's going to get on anyone's nerves but sometimes you just feel annoyed about something or you're pissed about something it happens & fighting about that isn't a bad sign. There's nothing wrong with never fighting when there is nothing to fight about, but just repressing your feelings to avoid a fight will do much more harm than good and it will certainly leave you isolated and bubbling with resentment. Fighting builds trust in relationships. No really! When the two of you can be your honest selves (flaws and annoyances and all!) and be open with eachother - even if it means disagreeing or stepping on toes at times - the more secure you will grow in that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Finissima Posted April 3, 2010 Author Share Posted April 3, 2010 Fighting isn't always a bad thing. Now, if you're constantly fighting left and right then yes that may be problematic. My SO & I have pretty dramatic fights sometimes - and I play my fair share in it. Not "I hate you, it's over" kind of fights, no. In fact our fighting which happens rarely - is just passionate. We are very honest and in the moment & it's helpful. We get our true feelings out and that allows us both to address the problem - and move on. If you are constantly picking fights again that's going to get on anyone's nerves but sometimes you just feel annoyed about something or you're pissed about something it happens & fighting about that isn't a bad sign. There's nothing wrong with never fighting when there is nothing to fight about, but just repressing your feelings to avoid a fight will do much more harm than good and it will certainly leave you isolated and bubbling with resentment. Fighting builds trust in relationships. No really! When the two of you can be your honest selves (flaws and annoyances and all!) and be open with eachother - even if it means disagreeing or stepping on toes at times - the more secure you will grow in that relationship. This is very insightful...I have to agree now that I think about it that there is some therapeutic value to fighting it out. I wish my bf could be a bit more willing to throw his feelings out on the table when we do though, cuz it tends to be me throwing feelings everywhere and him quietly standing by. The fights are pretty rare and if we were IRL...I don't think I would mind so much. It's just when it's on the phone or text...it doesn't have that same sweet sense of resolution at the end, and a bad feeling always lingers for me (probably because I was the one being silly). Thanks for all the posts...to the posters who never fight with their SO...that's wonderful, and good for you. But I just can't do it - an extremely stressful life means there are always ups and downs, and more often than not, the person you are closest too gets to be right there along with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 It's not that my life isn't stressful, it sure is. His is too. I'm going to school, working at a job where union is negotiating our contract and thus creating tension, planning a wedding, and up until last week was dealing with immigration(and will be again once we're married). He is in his very last semester at school in a VERY tough program and trying to tie up all of his loose ends. There's plenty of opportunities to fight, and oftentimes I AM stressed to the max and bitchy. But when I get around him or talk to him I calm down and everything is okay. There are things about him that annoy me. If he has to call somewhere in English he will wait until the very last minute to do it because he's shy, and right now that may end up hurting his move down here. But I still love him for it. We just know ourselves and know our relationship. We know that stupid fights aren't going to fix anything or make us feel better. It's only going to make us feel worse. It's better to be happy and open with your communication than it is to pick fights with each other. When he disagrees with me, he tells me and when I disagree I tell him. Disagreeing with someone doesn't mean you always have to fight. It would be easy to say that Mathew and I don't fight because our distance is so close to being over, but that's not it. We've been like this for much longer than our immigration journey has been going on. I am in NO way trying to make you feel bad or anything, but implying that those who don't fight with their SO's lead a stress-free life is actually pretty incorrect. It's all in how you handle things. Misplacing anger will hurt no one but you in the end because if you fight too much eventually those little ones will turn into big ones and resentment will start to rear it's ugly head. Who wants to live hundreds, or even thousands of miles away from someone that they fight with often? Not me. If I wanted to argue with somebody I'd still be with my ex. He used to try and fight with me all the time but I would be sitting there, just listening, and thinking that he was a drama queen for fighting over stupid stuff. Eventually that did lead to HEAVY resentment because I felt like I could never be happy, I always had to worry when our next fight was going to be. And he drove me CRAZY about the fact that I never would fight back. If I felt like we REALLY needed to fight I would have, but most of those fights were as dumb as a rock. Link to post Share on other sites
thisismystory Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 TI wish my bf could be a bit more willing to throw his feelings out on the table when we do though, cuz it tends to be me throwing feelings everywhere and him quietly standing by. My SO and I are like this too. I sometimes bawl at him for more communication, and he just stands there, thinks, ponders, and replies soundly. I wouldn't count this as a fight though. It's not like you're mad at each other. More like one person trying to express his/her feelings and needs. I really think this is inevitable as it's hard to communicate feelings in an LDR, especially when one person will definitely require more communication. It's easy to say you'll remain sane but it's really hard to act sane. Whenever I'm upset at my SO, I just write down my feelings in a letter first. I reread it later and realize how stupid I am. Some times, it stops me from acting irrationally. Most of the time I end up telling him how crappy I feel anyways and we have to work it out. It's really frustrating sometimes. It feels like once we settle one thing, a new thing pops up. But at least we're working it out in a sound manner. It would probably have worked better if I can tell him how I feel in person though =[ Like you, I'm still learning how to deal with this. I'm trying really hard to remain sane! I'm rooting for you and wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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