FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 I met my fiance 8 years ago in May on kiss.com. I was reeling from a failed marriage and had stopped seeing someone immediately before signing up on the website...so I was well...still dealing with issues... We started dating seriously & I enjoyed him. He was geeky/cool, unlike my XH & XBFs who were all manly men. He didn't like camo, hunting, sports, camping...uhm dirt etc. (please take this moment to read my username...yeah...red alert, red alert)... In the beginning my DF was emotionally distant and still secretly trolling the website for other people. He had ED and I didn't care since I was totally in to him and was SO hot for him...we just made sex work... He was also addicted to porn and still entangled with his XGF of 4 years. He had drawers full of old conquests panties and bras which was odd to me. He had used sex toys which I found, half used tubes of lube etc...all these things got throw away when I found them. But he acted like I was the one who did wrong...sigh. His XGF called once in the middle of the night not knowing he wasn't alone...her voice came on the answering machine...I love you...I always have...etc. YEARS later that message was still saved in his machine & I had no way to delete it. UGH. He also freaked if I touched his phone, computer, cellphone, looked at ANYTHING in his house (cards, pics, etc...)...he felt like a cheater and a liar from the get go... So 8 years have gone by... DF is a good provider. He always has a high paying job and when he brings home groceries for the family it's always thoughtful, helpful, fun and good things. Sometimes he brings little prizes home for everyone and I get flowers (stunning flowers) about 1x a year. He hand picks every stem at the florist and takes immense pleasure in making it perfect. He has great taste...his house was so nice (Pottery Barn nice) when I met him that I asked if he was married or gay...to which he said neither. I have 2 sons from my XH who were 13 & 11 when I met the DF. They clicked with him and played XBOX and watched crazy movies together like mad in the beginning. By then we moved in together (about 6 1/2 yrs ago)...and things started to tumble downhill. We never had sex. I knew what I was getting myself into tho. I thought oh I can *love him out of it*. I'm a passionate redhead with a firey *erm* bedroom manner...so...I was 110% certain I could do it. He was viewing porn all the time online & I knew it. I caught him, confronted him and was essentially shut down for being the jerk... He started weird little passive aggressive games with the boys (locking the TV out so they couldn't use it, hiding their stuff in retaliation for a real or perceived wrongdoing, slowing the internet down so it won't work, locking out their cell phone texting abilities, locking the door & hiding the hidden key, hiding their food, sodas, teeth whiteners, literally you name it & he did it to them). EACH time I found out, I threw a huge fit. He always lied & denied & cleverly made me end up being the jerk. He dumped me on the side of the road in the winter when I was deathly sick with bronchitis because I argued with him over lying to me about his other *friends*... He used to block my car in the driveway with his to keep me from going anywhere... I moved out once & we went to counselling and I came back (the jist of the counselling was I had control issues by not allowing him his *erm* friends...yeah...). Anyways I am a sucker for a sad song & moved back in. Just then our landlord offered us his house to buy at a rock bottom price due to potential foreclosure. It was $100K less than it should be. I bought it even though it maxed me credit-wise because of the DFs good job. It was a good financial investment and I was trying to create some stability with our relationship. DF has never been affectionate...and when he is it is only on his terms. He is private to the extreme. He doesn't talk about the past or the future. 8 yrs with him and I know nothing about his past. It's like he almost didn't have one... He does have 2 sons from his XW - who he largely ignored for the 1st 7 yrs we were together and now has sporadic contact with. He does not call them, email or send gifts. He does pay $1400/mo CS thru garnishment... I've gotten pregnant 3x by him. He is extremely unwilling to use a condom due to not being circumsized so he kinda wangles his way into it being the girl's duty (& fault). I have extreme migraines & b/c pills are a no no for me. So we kind of just made do...UGH (horrible to admit this, but bear with me)...the 1st 2 times he basically shoved me into the front door of an abortion clinic. The 3rd time I put my foot down and said NO WAY. We now have a nearly 3 year old son who is the light of my life. I don't think about the other 2 because it's heartbreaking. So here I am, losing my good job due to unemployment in a few weeks and essentially becoming dependent on a man who has misused me and maltreated me over the years but still provided a comfy place to land... I don't love him. I've told him so. He won't believe me. We don't have sex. He stays up til 2 AM every night, either chatting up some cyber chick or watching porn. I don't know. I don't care. I tried for years to woo him into coming to bed with me. Tried attacking him, sexy lingerie etc...but he just doesn't have interest...at all. Now I'm just kind of stuck. At a crossroads. Self examining my life to see where I went wrong... Do I stay? How can I bear it? The 2 yo loves his daddy but his daddy is not too connected at times. It's like he mentally checks out...he's an odd odd man. I need someone to love me and care for me and be emotionally available. But I live with someone who has never discussed our future... Help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 Also I do not think he is physically cheating on me. He has ZERO time to do it. Emotionally cheating is a different story... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Has he ever been evaluated by a mental health professional? You do know something's wrong with him, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Disintegration Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 It doesn't sound like he is ever going to change. It seems over the years he has become severely distant from you. Chatting on-line with people is what is keeping him from connecting with you. That is where he is losing interest. Why was he treating your children so badly like that? Why was he punishing them? Was it to get back at you for something? I would have been furious at him for doing that, more so because he isn't their father yet doing mean spirited thing to them. Seems like he was being the evil step dad. What does being uncircumsized have to do with not wearing a condom? Is it because of even less stimulation? Abortion isn't suppose to be a method of birth control. I think that was a ridiculous statement on his part to suggest that birth control is solely a womans responsibility. You should both go to counseling to try to resolve your issues. You aren't married therefore it would be a lot easier to leave the guy although you do have a child together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 Has he ever been evaluated by a mental health professional? You do know something's wrong with him, right? You aren't the first person to say this to me... Is love (or whatever this was) really so blind? I'm sitting here re-reading what I wrote and a) wondering where the years have gone and b) wondering WTH is wrong with ME!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 It doesn't sound like he is ever going to change. It seems over the years he has become severely distant from you. Chatting on-line with people is what is keeping him from connecting with you. That is where he is losing interest. Why was he treating your children so badly like that? Why was he punishing them? Was it to get back at you for something? I would have been furious at him for doing that, more so because he isn't their father yet doing mean spirited thing to them. Seems like he was being the evil step dad. What does being uncircumsized have to do with not wearing a condom? Is it because of even less stimulation? Abortion isn't suppose to be a method of birth control. I think that was a ridiculous statement on his part to suggest that birth control is solely a womans responsibility. You should both go to counseling to try to resolve your issues. You aren't married therefore it would be a lot easier to leave the guy although you do have a child together. He's always had his online friends & I had hints of it. I just was dumb enough to think he'd soon only want me...ha ha. re my older sons, I never could figure it out (he's very passive aggressive) - we have had massive screaming matches (me screaming) and it never really solved anything - I kept trying to fix everything between them thinking at least he was better than nothing (rolling eyes)... actually TBH I think the condoms just won't stay on...if you get my drift...and yes abortion is NOT b/c and my heart will ALWAYS be broken for what I did he also won't let me get my tubes tied even after #3 & he won't get fixed either... I'm thinking of counselling for myself, but as one of the soon to be unemployed...$125/hr is a luxury I do not have.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Well, I took care of someone for four years I love dearly (my mother) who has dementia and paraphrenia and I don't joke when it comes to mental health. I can see the signs in your writings. His behaviors and proclivities fall outside what is 'normal' for a healthy person in a healthy relationship. As our MC (clinical psychologist) opined, if a person's psychology or behaviors inhibit the formation and healthy continuation of interpersonal relationships, it/they bear scrutiny. I went a little crazy myself for awhile during the caregiving process. I know that madness. You can write it off to the guy being 'eccentric', but IMO he should do it by himself on his own time. Not good relationship material IMO. Some IC (individual counseling) for you might clarify things and help you cope, accept, or leave in a healthier way. If it otherwise not affordable, try your local university psych department. They often have low/no cost options available. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 Well, I took care of someone for four years I love dearly (my mother) who has dementia and paraphrenia and I don't joke when it comes to mental health. I can see the signs in your writings. His behaviors and proclivities fall outside what is 'normal' for a healthy person in a healthy relationship. As our MC (clinical psychologist) opined, if a person's psychology or behaviors inhibit the formation and healthy continuation of interpersonal relationships, it/they bear scrutiny. I went a little crazy myself for awhile during the caregiving process. I know that madness. You can write it off to the guy being 'eccentric', but IMO he should do it by himself on his own time. Not good relationship material IMO. Some IC (individual counseling) for you might clarify things and help you cope, accept, or leave in a healthier way. Welcome to LS Thanks so much. I welcome all help right now. I feel like I've sold my soul for a place to live & some flowers 1x a year LOL And yeah...FTR there is more info here in one spot about me & him than anyone in the world knows. Whew. What a relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 There's just one other thing, he punched me once in a scuffle over him smushing me off the edge of the bed & me protesting by pushing on him to keep from falling out (see what I deal with here??! this man is amazing...) I warned him if he laid a hand on me again he'd find himself minus his hand. It's never happened again & that was about 5 yrs ago...but the *thing* is still in him & I feel it... Although my boys are HUGE and grown up now...so he'd likely get beaten to a pulp if he did it again... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Another thing, and a caution. I watched years of this kind of relationship dynamic change someone else I loved very much. It literally hardened her heart and it appears, amongst other painful realities, that the little pleasures of life became lost upon her. I had to let her go simply because the distance had become too great. She could no longer connect on any meaningful level that I could discern. I hope this will not happen to you. I think you (and she) deserve better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 Another thing, and a caution. I watched years of this kind of relationship dynamic change someone else I loved very much. It literally hardened her heart and it appears, amongst other painful realities, that the little pleasures of life became lost upon her. I had to let her go simply because the distance had become too great. She could no longer connect on any meaningful level that I could discern. I hope this will not happen to you. I think you (and she) deserve better than that. Ouch this is the one thing that really made tears come to my eyes. I am dead inside! I have become a shell of myself. My spirit is just withered away. I've been wondering if I could invoke sexual or loving feelings of attraction to someone else. I have a neighbor who has a lot of the same interests as me and on Friday last week he essentially asked me to sleep with him. I like him so much and have some sort of connection to him (time spent with him just talking about farming, the enviroment, spirituality etc...is pure magic)...we hang out in my backyard while the wee ones play and just talk and talk... My reaction to his ""tempting request""...? Nothing. Not one spark or thrill or anything. I told him nicely that I won't cheat on DF & that I wasn't interested. I wasn't. I think I'm dead. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 Pretty sure the "I'm not getting any" sign is shining over my head... I honestly didn't do anything overt to make my neighbor even think I was thinking about him & wondering. Perhaps he can read minds... Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 To the OP.......it hurt to read your post. My gosh.......haven't you suffered enough? Why.........why..........why for 8 years? What ever his problems are, be it mental illness or he is just an asshat, you obviously aren't happy and you now realize you can't fix him or make your relationship better. 8 years is a long time and you've got a lot invested, but stop punishing yourself, please. What you have described is torture and if you stay with him he is going to warp you and your children even more than he already has. Please get out........the sooner the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 26, 2010 Author Share Posted March 26, 2010 Couple more things, his XW & I have become friendly and she experienced all these things as well. He also left her in the KC Airport with 2 small children and his mother as they were on a vacation flight layover to fly off to a new state to be with the love of his life (aka the XGF from earlier). He left his wife and children (3 & 4yo or 4 & 5yo) AT the airport! Left them. Far from home. On vacation. I just found this out in August last year... Insanity or just evil? I feel horrible about ranting and venting but there is not one person in my life I can be completely candid with...so...you're it internet friends hehe Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 Venting and ranting are good. Get it out there. Also, see the words and accept them as your truth. Meaningful changes happens one day at a time. Strong emotion is an excellent motivator. I hope things work out for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 coupla-more-things he refuses to help me pay for daycare which is nearly half my salary when he makes 2 1/2 x what I do... he is not on the 2 yos birth cert since we weren't married at the time of birth & he had to get a special paper signed...he never bothered... he has NO life insurance for us in case something happens but I have a large policy (not that he knows it...) that names my oldest son just in case I kick off 1st...the oldest son will make sure the 2yo is well provided for even if he is with daddy he keeps promising he'll add the 2yo to his health insur plan since I am unemployed soon but he never does it... he thinks buying things = love he's Mensa intelligent (kid you not) Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 FarmGirl - have you ever heard the phrase 'Genius borders on insanity'?... just saying... Kinda sounds to me like he's crossed over... Be safe and do what's best for you and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 I have read your post, but not all the answers... the more I stay here on LS the more I wonder why women put up with jerks like that. It's astonishing... please, get out, for the sake of your child... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 I have read your post, but not all the answers... the more I stay here on LS the more I wonder why women put up with jerks like that. It's astonishing... please, get out, for the sake of your child... tis why I am here on LS, to get the backbone to stick up for what's right for me & the 2 yo!! honestly reading what I wrote is surreal I've just hit upon the tip of the iceberg with what it's like here... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 Here are some things that I've always assumed I'm just being a total B about, but maybe they are worth taking a second look. (PS in the event my DF reads this because is a super genius with computers and probably already knows everything I do..."Hi") I am using an In Private browser so hopefully this works... Anyways back to the odd things (I could write a book): we commute together to work - he will ramble on about a chip configuration, a wireless something or other, or just read signs and printing on trucks out loud (??? bizarre...), he never/won't talk about family things or the farm (which is my huge labor of love and is starting to make money) he also has this weird habit of zeroing in visually on something (like a book or a thing on the floor) and then staring at it & examining it minutely - I always chalked it to to him being weird...but now it seems even more odd as I write it he is obsessed with his furniture (remember I said it was nice furniture) to the point of freaking out when you place something on the dining room table w/o protection...lawd! it's a table, we have a 2 yo, things are bound to happen he also hates and makes sure I cannot have or use my own possessions (my own dining room table sits in the garage - its an 1840s antique...eeks) he hates my pictures, antique stuff, girly stuff etc I can weasel somethings in at this point but it's taken years. I had to give away most of my stuff when we moved in together since he didn't want them in our house... So essentially I have no furniture now...sigh more later, here he comes Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 You just keep writing more about the strangeness that you are living with.......so I'll ask again, why????? I don't understand why you need confirmation or is it affirmation that you need to leave.......the guy is either nuts or worse. It's possible that living in those circumstances has already damaged your older children, but if you get out now you could save your two year old a lot of heartache and grief. Isn't that the most important thing? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 This individual has a serious attachment/intimacy disorder. Everything about him totally shows that. Randomly leaving wife, paying no attention to children, encouraging abortion over condoms, online "friends", screwed up behaviours with your boys. None of these things shows any regard for anyone else, or any empathy. The fact that you live with it tells me something isn't quite connecting with you either (could be conditioning). This is a seriously dysfunctional relationship. I have a husband with an attachment problem and he has decided to go for IC over it the last few months. He has discovered that he is very isolated from his own feelings and just about everyone (including family) is his life. I have seen massive change and awakenings in his life but it took a LOT plus a major BACKSLIDE. This guy is a heck of a lot older and very far gone. I say run, at least your life will be your own. It takes so much energy to foster a relationship with someone like that. Less then being a single mom or unemployed and jobsearching. I had both experiences over the last while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 I have to write about this. I don't have a close girlfriend anymore (gee for the last 8 yrs or so...). My mom is the most un-empathetic person I know... So...I have to talk to someone or burst. So here I am, pouring my soul out to the interwebs... I'm still trying to justify my 'cozy' existence here with him rather than face the reality of how horrible this is. I know that. I'm trying to get past it. ugh Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 I find my cat to be a good listener Also, friends with shared interests seem to handle a bit of the disclosures, as long as they're not pervasive. A positive attitude doesn't hurt. That's where the counseling will help, even if it is with a college psych student learning to be a counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Luv2dance Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 Oh WOW, I am kinda speechless!! I can't not believe you have lived with this for 8yrs, but agree with everyone else you need to think about yourself and your children and get out! I'm still trying to justify my 'cozy' existence here with him rather than face the reality of how horrible this is. I know that. I'm trying to get past it. If you can think of any of this as a "cozy" existence then I am thinking you are definitely conditioned in some way. I understand the unknown is scary and finances are an issue, but honestly can it be much worse than it is now? ((hugs)) to you!! Link to post Share on other sites
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