This is gonna be long...

[giotto]

Anyone have any good thoughts about extricating myself from this horrid situation I am in?

 

yes, juts move back home saying they need you to be there because your mum is extremely ill and might have cancer... then don't go back...

Edited April 13, 2010 by giotto

[You Go Girl]

Farmgirl--

 

You own that house--are you talking about the house you live in currently with H?

If you leave, he can call it abandonment, and can sue as part of divorce settlement for all equity to be his.

Or are you talking about the farm house? I am confused as to whether you own one house or two.

 

You are losing your job, yes? So sit H down tonight, tell him that he must pay that daycare, that the child is his too, that it is unfair based on income that you're paying the daycare. Just see what he says to being a little more fair. What you need to do is get to the bottom of this--was he simply pushing to see how selfish he could be monetarily, does he have any sense of fairness or conscience with the money situation, or he is going to completely go cold on you and claim that it is your responsibility to pay that?

If he agrees to pay, then there's slight hope that he will act fairly in a divorce or separation.

If he disagrees vehemently, refuses to pay, etc., well, you have what you need to realize you have had all along--a CONTROL FREAK.

He doesn't have aspergers, psychosis, or anything else more than likely--what he does have is a narcisstic egotistical control freak personality.

 

Now the question is, how much of his ego rides on you being there and letting him manipulate you?

You need to know exactly how much you are an object of his ego. It will reveal if he will become violent with threat of divorce (mine threatened my life once), whether he will do everything in his power to make you as miserable as possible (doing as many little things to screw up your life, your day, your finances, etc.)

He shaped up for the weekend with your migraine--He is very tuned in to when and how much he can manipulate.

 

This car situation--he is absolutely GLOATING that you are at his mercy with being able to get around. He's mean, selfish, horribly controlling, and not loving at all. Everything he does is for himself, even if it appears it is for you.

Are you wiling to walk away from the equity? If not, then you can't leave the primary residence.

You can however take a 'break' after you are laid off--tell him you need to help out with your mom, and just get away from the stress.

You are probably going to need financial help from your family. I hope they can afford to help you. You need that car fixed. You will need money for the movers, etc. I highly doubt your H is going to offer one dime.

 

My H--as you know makes a lot like yours. During our courtship he would be incredibly generous. There were flowers every week, lol Now there are none. I stood my ground on some battles, and we have been roommates with no intimacy for a year. I own a cottage, well kind of, I sold it to my daughter for $1. That is because last year, when he threatened my life, threatened to fight in court for my cottage--I paid for myself--the only thing and money of mine in the world--I decided that if my daughter owned it, it couldn't be dragged through the courts. This made him incredibly angry. I took power away from him.

This winter the well pump wasn't insulated correctly, and it broke. I now have no working water there, and must buy a new pump, and like your car situation, I'm unable to do it right now. Maybe next week.

But here's the kicker---I know he claimed me on his taxes as a dependent. Yet I never saw the tax return, nor was given a dime.

After spending the past weekend at my cottage, without water, I returned Sunday evening. Intoxicated, he asked, well, what's up with it? I told him. He said nothing, just smugly leered.

I know that tax return is in his pocket now, because there's a top of the line McIntosh new stereo system in our living room that showed up while I was gone to my small little cottage without water.

Think he's going to offer to give me a few hundred bucks to fix that water? Hell no, because it is just like your car situation.

These guys know exactly what they are doing financially. Yours probably has thousands squirreled away in a safe spot you don't know about.

That's not aspergers, lol That's selfishness.

You're being controlled. And he knows you are hurting financially, and he likes it, because it means he can watch you suffer, and he ENJOYS WATCHING YOU SUFFER.

It's mean, it's cruel, and it's selfish to a disgusting degree.

[FarmGirl]

I was smart enough not to marry him & the house is in my name only. He has tax issues etc so cannot get a loan. More later

....posting from my phone.

[You Go Girl]

Whew! Yes, smart enough you were! Good for you! I was worried for you, and am not so much now!

May not be safe to post from your phone btw, he probably checks it.

 

There was (may still be) a keylogger on this computer. Even experts are sloppy sometimes. He left the downloading of the keylogger on the command install line, so I saw it.

And if it's still there--whatever. lol

[FarmGirl]

I barely slept last night and then came home sick due to a stomachache.

 

It's amazing what stress can do to your body.

 

Of course he is the ultra-attentive caring man right now too LOL.

Good thing I can see thru it eh?

 

I need to ramble again, so either stop reading or play along - your call!

 

After 8 years I don't even know what it would be like to be my own woman again. To pick my own plates or have my own furniture again...what a concept.

 

The last thing on my mind is finding a replacement for him, but how on earth will I ever trust anyone again? This experience has been soul shattering. I don't even have a base line for normal anymore. My normal has been plowed under and replaced with the new norm.

 

The new norm is one where my views and voice are heard and taken into account as long as they fit into the master plan. The new norm is one where I am manipulated and shaped into funny origami shaped caricatures of myself and I like it. In fact I bend myself around to make it easier on him. Yet somewhere deeply inside I am unhappy and broken; and every once in awhile that shadow raises its head and says HEY you look at me...look what you are letting happen. Right now is that moment of self-awareness where I am seeing my life for what it really is...a shell of what it could be...

 

More rambles - I've never been allowed to have a place in this house - aka my possessions still in storage/sold.

The inside of the house (decor-wise) still strangely looks like it did when I met him, even though we've moved. Weird eh? Not much of my own personality shines here which is surprising given the fact that I am very artistic, I've owned an antique store and love to make my home cozy...but in EIGHT YEARS I have gone against my own nature and not touched our house...

I checked myself at the door and live here as a non-participatory roomie...(yay me).

 

We don't make joint purchases like one big piece of furniture or anything. It's always him or me buying something.

Me = lawnmower or something trivial

Him = mattress, home entertainment equiptment, dishes, etc (which is normal since he makes more than me...but it's never an US thing, which I suppose is odd after 8 years? Thoughts?)

It's also a definite matter of importance for him regarding whose stuff is whose...

 

When he freaks out about someone placing something on the dining room table it's "who put this blah blah on MY table??!" Or "Why are you using up all MY blah blah!" Or "You spilled my blah blah!" Things have never melded into ours in all these years. It's the most awkward existence for me.

I have no ownership, but I do since the house is completely in my name. I never say anything about that to his face but boy do I think it

 

I just have a short time left on my old job before the layoff and the farm is about an hour away so I will wait until I am laid off to make my move.

 

I'm planning to *clean* house and hold a yard sale or two here at the city house since we live near a posh neighborhood so yard sales are well attended here! That way I can decrease my clutter and increase my cash and get myself ready to move, all in one garage cleaning fell swoop!

 

I'm such a conniving b!tc4! Hah!

 

I'll never take anything of his but I'm going to be accused of doing so...which is really going to make this ugly. If I could I'd just walk away with my clothes & baby's clothes...but I have too many family treasures tucked away here to do something like that.

 

In my divorce 10 yrs ago, I lost a storage shed full of a ton of antiques due to being unable to pay the rent (was jobless & very sick)...so what little I have left of those treasures ARE going with me come hell or high water!

 

Ok I guess I'm done rambling for now.

Thanks for listening. Maybe I'll regain my sanity one of these days.

[carhill]

Advertise it as an 'estate sale'

[You Go Girl]

Wow. The similarities keep growing, farmgirl. You can call me countrygirl, and my H cityboy.

I am an antique dealer. I just left the shop an hour ago, and I sell online also.

The second bedroom at my cottage is full to the ceiling.

You could have paid that rent by selling off a few things fire sale!

Sounds to me you are also like me in another way...I don't think ahead on finances.

But, in my relationship, it is often enough ME who says something is mine. Part of that comes from the story I wrote earlier about how I had to sell my cottage--my 401k money--the only thing I own--to my daughter should he try to drag it through the courts like he threatened if we divorced.

He's made me a bit possessive of my things. They're all I have--no savings, just my loot to sell and my cottage, and he's threatened them.

Now he'd tell you that he's supported me during the marriage, and he wouldn't be lying, so there's two sides to every story.

But not marking your territory is very unusual. I think you should paint the dining room this week a mustard-gold just because you can.

[FarmGirl]

@You Go Girl - we do sound to be in similar situations! I tried to find other posts of yours talking about your hubby but I couldn't...would love to see how you are coping.

 

More Ranting (sorry, just ignore or read...I HAVE to vent or burst):

 

SO at first was such a self-assured man. I used to say that I liked him because he knew his own mind. But actually that was an incorrect assumption on my part...he changes his mind like people change socks (maybe even more frequently). You can bet if he tells you he HATES a restaurant one day; a month later it will be his favorite place. Or if he doesn't like a movie or a song, if I do, soon he will like them. It's not a case of immitation being the sincerest flattery, it's more like he just has no idea what he likes and has no control over what he says or thinks (or?)...it's really hard to buy him something or do something for him as he has no definite long-standing likes or dislikes...

 

Here's a silly annoying thing - I always wanted a COEXIST sticker (yeah I'm a hippie ;o)). I wanted one for years, used to have it as my avatar even...so we go to a Saturday Mkt & there was a hippie guy there selling a bunch of bumper stickers like that...so I bought 1 & another political one. SO bought the exact ones and came straight home and put them on his car. Awww cute, matching bumps you say...I say NO.

 

I've always wanted a Volkswagon Van. SO knows that of course. Today on the way to work SO says (upon seeing a fully restored Aqua colored one) HEY there's the car I want...(uhm?? WTF??).

 

I have a hairdresser that I no longer go to because he started going to her. This was the SECOND one he did that to (I left the last one too). I bought some special lavender oil last time I went to my now ex hairdresser & a month later SO came home with the same thing. Is this just weird? I feel like my whole world is colored over by him and his big fat markers...hehe

 

But wait, there's more...

 

SO feeds the 2yo CANDY and/ or Nutella sandwiches for breakfast. Yes...you read that right - breakfast. Now if you knew me you'd be shocked...I am an organic farmer & big into local foods & super healthy eating. The fact that my SO does this (& he knows all about nutrition & healthy eating) is crazy. I've begged, pleaded, threatened etc...just saying please don't create a candy monster 2 yo. Please think of his growth & health...but nothing doing. He still feeds him total processed crap. Which if our customers knew they'd think we didn't walk the walk...ya know? I realize that my organic tendencies do not have to be his, but at least no candy for breakfast eh??? Ugh.

 

SO's bday is coming up. He never bothered to help me with the daycare this week...so I told him today that his present was me paying the daycare. LOL. I'm horrible I know.

 

Ahh here's another fun fact: I need to go out to the farm & work, but SO makes it impossible by either guilting me into staying home, not letting me drive his car since mine is still broke down, or just making me miserable if I want to go (ie not getting up until 11 AM which means I don't get there until noon...and then he wants me home by 5 PM so I drive 2 hrs to work for 4 hrs)...

 

I needed to use his SUV this winter (when my car still worked) to deliver some farm goods...but he wouldn't let me borrow it even though he would have had my very nice clean car... ((Now he let's me drive his SUV every day cuz of my car situation))...so I had to make multiple trips in my small car and it took all day in the rain so I ended up soaked from loading and unloading the car so many times. It was a miserable day that would have been somewhat easier had I been able to make ONE trip in the SUV.

 

All these things I just do not understand.

How can someone just be a total jerk like this? Do they even have a conscience? Or a soul?

 

Thanks for letting me ramble.

I'm sure there'll be more later hehe.

Edited April 16, 2010 by FarmGirl
clarity

[FarmGirl]

All this pressure and stress make it really hard for me to be the kind of mother I want to be. I'm emotionally exhausted and ANGRY so much of the time. My poor little 2 yo gets a ton of love from me...but times I just can't shake the need to get inside my head and shut down (these times I put a movie on for him and essentially ignore him for 90 minutes).

 

This sounds horrible. I'm a good and loving mama whose main priority is my baby but there are times I'm like a sponge that has been wrung dry. There's just nothing else in me, for anyone.

 

I do make extra efforts to be loving and wonderful to the baby, but by the time bedtime rolls around I can barely think so bedtime stories are mostly non existant. How sad for the little one!

 

It's hard when you know you are failing at something like this, but it's also good to actually REALIZE it. That's why I'm here on LS - self examination, self awareness, self help...

 

Anyways please don't judge me for writing this stuff...I love him more than my own life and want the best for us.

 

PS My babysitter is worrying about me eventually having a breakdown...which is what lead me to write this about my little guy. I don't feel like I *really* could just crack-up...but 8 years is a long time to carry such hurt and loneliness w/o doing anything to protect myself from it...

Edited April 16, 2010 by FarmGirl
adding PS

[FarmGirl]

Agh here's another one - when my teen boys lived at home my SO would purposefully leave the bedroom door open when I was just coming out of the shower or otherwise undressed. These aren't little kids, these were nearly grown men...who have no business seeing their mother naked. This went on until I started wearing PJs (which I do to this day thanks to that) & dressing in the bathroom. Such a mean violation of my privacy! He never respected or cared to stop it.

 

He also has a problem sharing his stuff...if you borrow something he hovers until you give it back. If you use something he thinks is his (ie we had 2 GameCubes -purple (his), silver(ours) & he had a fit over us using the silver one...it took me SHOWING him a receipt to prove it was ours to use. Same with our Nintendo 64, we had one - he did too. He freaked if he thought we were touching his, and/or his games or controllers.

 

You don't touch his computers, phone, w/o him having a fit...both of which make me think he is hiding things...but whatever...who cares really at this point.

 

We can't have company because he clams up and makes everyone uncomfy and then makes me pay for it by snide remarks and passive aggressive things for the next month. We never have friends over. Who am I kidding...I have no friends now.

 

Don't read one of his books and let him find out...(he has 5000+ books). He will hound you until you put it back.

 

His main words are "me, my, I" - never WE...

 

I may have written this before (sorry)...but this is my therapy thread LOL...

 

He hid my 19 yo son's clothes in the garage because he left them in the laundry room too long. He put the garbage from the downstairs bathroom IN my son's room scattered in the doorway (because he didn't take it out soon enough...). Etc etc...total passive aggressiveness on his part.

 

Help, I'm being held hostage in a Chinese Laundry LOL

[You Go Girl]

lol @ chinese laundry...hey, you haven't lost your sense of humor! So I highly doubt you're about to have a meltdown.

 

As for copying your behavior--mine is nothing like that. He definitely has his own identity. Your H sounds, well, more disturbed. Taking over your hair dressers, wanting a VW van, all sounds like he is weak on identity, because he needs to imitate yours. He must be very jealous that you have a stronger identity.

As for not letting you borrow his SUV--this is just plain sabotage. He doesn't want you to succeed at things. If you fail at independence--then he gets to keep you and control you right? So, make you do all independent things completely independently--no help from him ever--so that you feel you can't survive without him, that you can't succeed on doing things alone.

This is a $ issue. He knows you're strapped for cash, he knows he has loads, it takes very little math to figure out just how far you can run from home--and with a non-working vehicle, not very far at all.

Since you know the vintage/antique market, let go of a few things to fix that car. Yeah, I know it's tough when some things you like are hard to let go of. But, in this business, everything just about rolls around again in a few years, doesn't it? Toss just enough up on ebay to get that car fixed. Not family heirlooms if you can help it, but grab a few boxes of whatnots from your storage and just let them go.

I need to get my well pump. We had a discussion about that, and the tax return. He's controlling it all. Finally I decided to just let him control it all, because his later offer, too late for my dignity to stay intact, to pay for that well, felt like--charity, because he said that my portion of the tax return was my 'room and board' for the last year, since he pays the mortgage. He earned the $ that is the tax return, so tahell with it, even though that well pump will cost under $500. Got to pull up your independent suspenders and take complete responsibility for our own problems, debts, whatever.

This is the danger zone that women fall into when their spouse makes a heck of a lot more than they do, and really, we have no one to blame but ourselves. Taking that blame is the path to forging ahead with independence.

As for feeding the kid nutella for breakfast--geesh. That makes me worry what other irresponsible things he'd do if you weren't around to watch over the little guy continuously! Funny, H just bought Nutella this week. Creepy!

Creepy too about the laundry! This is passive-agressive style of combat. My H took my clothes which I left on the couch, and put them in a garbage bag next to the front door last week. lol

Don't worry about your mental state, you're ok...

and you'll make plenty of friends when you're not controlled any longer, I can tell because you have personality.

[FarmGirl]

"Got to pull up your independent suspenders and take complete responsibility for our own problems, debts, whatever." ~ You Go Girl

 

 

This is exactly what I am struggling with right now...

The crazy thing is that I am a feisty, opinionated red head so for me to not stick up for myself means things have really gotten complicated.

 

I have a pretty impressive Criterion Movie collection that would more than pay for my car repairs (maybe even come close to paying off what's left of the loan even...)...no clue why it's so important to me really...

 

I also have tons of antique glassware & linens (most NOT family heirlooms) that I could turn into cash.

 

I'm realizing that by my own inability to take action right now I'm basically giving him the green light to make me miserable.

 

I think I mentioned how I have told SO that I do not love him anymore...what happens is that he doesn't even acknowledge me saying that and later he pins me into emotional corners (ie "I love you honey...don't you love me too?" asked repeatedly until I give in and say yes I love you just to keep the peace)...he does this right after he's done something *GOOD* so I look like a total jerk if I do not respond with an I Love You back...but it's just words to me

 

I think You Go Girl is right about SO not having a strong enough identity on his own so he has to overtake mine. I have so many examples of this behavior if I start thinking about it. How on earth do you just wake up and find yourself in this situation? LOL

 

I know there were tons of warning signs, but never once did I think "it could happen to ME"...

 

I'm reading THIS article about Emotional Abusers and it's amazing how much I missed in the beginning and how much I accept as normal relationship stuff now. Sigh.

[You Go Girl]

I think that's why I related so heavily to your thread as soon as I saw it--

 

I am a very opinionated fiesty PITA type myself, lol...even have a temper to boot.

 

But! I keep sabotaging my own financial independence. Sound familiar? Why do we do it?

Honestly, I think it's fear. Fear that if we make that leap and let go of him, fear of it being FINAL, fear of taking that leap and then having difficulties when it's too late to go back.

And there's something else---guilt? A belief that he really can't help himself? That it's not malicious?

You tell me, lol

[FarmGirl]

@YGG I think in a way, we've lost enough of who we really are that we fear life on the outside of the relationship. Where we used to be feisty and independent we're now acquiesent and co-dependent. Really if you think about it...we're allowing the mistreatment and in a way we're asking for it. Setting ourselves up for it...we expose our vulnerable soft parts and then wonder why SO/H stabs us in it. They are a predator who could never SURVIVE with our real selves. But somewhere along the line, who we were got blurred and distorted in order to survive in the relationship. Rather than do what nature intended when faced with a bad situation (fight or flight) we just rolled over and closed our eyes and pretended we were somewhere/someone else and this couldn't possibly be happening to us!

 

I was a ripe target for my SO. A bad relationship w a controlling man on the heels of a broken marriage (H cheated on me w my BFF). My head was nowhere near ready for another relationship so close to those 2 bad ones...I needed a break to find out who I really was underneath all the lies and false coping mechanisms. Unfortunately I decided current SO was better than being single and 8 years later I'm in a pickle...

 

This time around I'm going be a single FarmGirl and just enjoy being a mama and all that. I'm too mixed up and jaded to be able to function in another relationship anytime in the next 50 or so years hehe

[FarmGirl]

So I did a little recon mission on my computer with the help of teh internets and I think there is a keylogger on here.

 

Hi there fiance.

 

Ugh.

 

He should be the one with the keylogger on his since he's the one with the creepy porn addiction and internet *friends* not me.

 

How paranoid do I get? Do I care? There's nothing he can do to me...I have too much "real man" support (son(s), XH, dad, brother etc)...that I could call in for reinforcements if needed.

[FarmGirl]

Heck with it.

 

I need to rant some more

 

I know, I know...you're thinking man this girl rants a lot but if I don't get this out there for other people to see it will silently slip away and I'll just end up staying here for the rest of my life.

 

Thing #457843835

 

He takes a giant crap in the downstairs bathroom (aka my 19 yo son's bathroom). He purposefully does not flush, leaves both the lid & the seat up and a hunk of nasty TP drug up and over the edge of the bowl. Whoever uses the room next is in for a disgusting surprise. His reasoning when confronted? My 19 yo son leaves the lid up so this is his payback.

 

His bathroom habits leave much to be desired in the cleanliness department so it's a bit unbelieveable that he goes so overboard on my son like this.

 

Thing #87575959500

 

If we buy 2 large pizzas (for 3 of us, with some intended to be leftovers for the next day), you can bet there will invariably NOT be enough left for the next day. SO will eat 12 or 14 SLICES of pizza at a setting. He wolfs all food too. He eats like he was in prison at some point LOL. I usually buy a Canadian Bacon with Black Olives and Tomatoes & a Meat Lovers pizza. I can't eat the Meat Lovers because it makes me sick. SO will devour all of the Canadian Bacon one first then move on to the Meat Lovers. If my son & his GF are home on pizza night I have to RUSH them into the kitchen to make sure they actually get some...and I rarely get very much pizza which is probably a good thing. But really? I have ordered 2 Canadian Bs instead but then SO gets annoyed that I didn't get the Meat Ls too. 3 pizzas are too expensive & I am usually ordering them for delivery before he gets home (back when we had 2 cars). He will also eat up any take out leftovers in the fridge regardless of whose ...or no matter how much you make for dinner (4 sausages, 8, 10 - he will eat them ALL so there are never any leftovers). He has a weird feast and famine thing too where he won't eat for 24 hours and then eat everything but the kitchen sink...I know these all sound so trivial, but add these into this entire package I have been living with for 8 years...it's AMAZING I'm not going postal.

 

Thing #2264385858

 

He holes up in the basement for 6 or more hours and later will come up and accuse me of harassing him and bothering him all day if I called down the stairs to him once...no joke. I am not allowed in the basement and he doesn't like me to look at or touch his books or things down there, then he accuses me of not wanting to spend time with him when I refuse to go down there a different time when he asks me to (so. confused. LOL).

 

Thing #857584354647

 

Picks his nose in public. Wow. No need to say more.

 

 

None of these things manifested themselves early on, although there were warning signs...I just didn't know how to read the language.

[You Go Girl]

@YGG I think in a way, we've lost enough of who we really are that we fear life on the outside of the relationship. Where we used to be feisty and independent we're now acquiesent and co-dependent. Really if you think about it...we're allowing the mistreatment and in a way we're asking for it. Setting ourselves up for it...we expose our vulnerable soft parts and then wonder why SO/H stabs us in it. They are a predator who could never SURVIVE with our real selves. But somewhere along the line, who we were got blurred and distorted in order to survive in the relationship. Rather than do what nature intended when faced with a bad situation (fight or flight) we just rolled over and closed our eyes and pretended we were somewhere/someone else and this couldn't possibly be happening to us!

 

I was a ripe target for my SO. A bad relationship w a controlling man on the heels of a broken marriage (H cheated on me w my BFF). My head was nowhere near ready for another relationship so close to those 2 bad ones...I needed a break to find out who I really was underneath all the lies and false coping mechanisms. Unfortunately I decided current SO was better than being single and 8 years later I'm in a pickle...

 

This time around I'm going be a single FarmGirl and just enjoy being a mama and all that. I'm too mixed up and jaded to be able to function in another relationship anytime in the next 50 or so years hehe

 

Wow. Another similarity. I was in the throes of a divorce when I met this H...

now I know, I was looking for a replacement. I was no where near ready either--not even a little ready. My head was in the clouds.

This H-#2, doted on me beyond imagination. H #1 didn't have a romantic bone in his body, well, unless you consider the sex bone, lol

So I picked his opposite.

 

I so laughed about the food issue! OMG! H is very very weird about food--controlling it sometimes! He has this thing love=food weird relationship. If he cooks, it means he is coming onto me, lol If he doesnt' cook, means he is pissed.

He was cooking when I walked back in the house last Sunday. Mere coincidence. So what does he do since he is pissed that I left for my cottage for a day?

He heaps it ALL on his plate, everything in the pan. WAY TOO MUCH for one person to eat, and leaves 6 bites in the pan for me, lol

He couldn't finish it of course.

But, on many occasions he can--and does eat, a grotesque amount of food--it's disgusting to watch, isn't it? lol

Inside I was laughing. I just found something else to eat.

 

What I can really relate to the most with you is passive-agressive behaviors. My H has countless number of them, and most are so childish--it's ridiculous, laughable!

But so sad too.

A grown man with the mind of a 3 year old sometimes, when he doesn't get his way, passive-agressive temper tantrums.

 

I KNOW there was a keylogger on this machine. I found the script to download it by accident. Then I went into the hikey and found the two keys there. He said he deleted it right after installing it, that it was only to test run one. lol

I don't care either.

 

I love your #59873730400584 weird case studies, lol

You have a great personality. It will carry you through this easily! You aren't lost...just took a bad turn.

 

He's got nothing on me. Although somebody new I met has started flirting with me--no affairs for me, but, it did awaken something

[FarmGirl]

@YGG I too picked the exact opposite of my XH.

[FarmGirl]

SHOCKER alert!

 

SO just asked me to explain (yet again) why my paycheck always falls short. So I did, very patiently and calmly. This time mentioning that it's a shame my car is broke down since my parents need me so much right now...

 

This time it stuck. He asked me to have my car towed Monday & will pay for everything.

 

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Holy Schneikies!

[You Go Girl]

Maybe he's feeling guilty after reading these threads.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hi, Farm Girl,

 

I feel your struggles and pain. I have been in a similar place.

 

Please don't take this as judging or negative towards you. I do not mean it that way at all. I understand that this man is a major control freak and he's been wearing you down for years to get you to the place where you are today. And, I understand and support your need to rant ... to a point.

 

But, I believe that in order to enable yourself to get out of this, you are going to have to stop thinking about him and all the awful things he does and has done. You are just going to have to think about YOURSELF, and the behavior you do that makes his control of your household possible.

 

A helpful starting place would be to just think and communicate in "I" statements rather than "He." If you do this for a time, you might really internalize how you are allowing all of this and in fact fully assisting him in the sabotage of yourSELF.

 

From what I have been reading, your relationship sounds like a typically codependent one. like many of us have with practicing alcoholics and other addicts.

 

Bottom line is he is what & who he is. What are you going to accept? That is all up to you.

 

I know it is a scary mess and hard to wrap your mind around what you'll need to do to change your life.

[dreamingoftigers]

HA! It does look like we are with the same man...want him back????

 

 

OMG, so he got the two of you as well eh?

 

He's been living in the master bedroom and jerking off on my couch for awhile. Is there some kind of corral we can put him in?

[dreamingoftigers]

Ladies,

 

the peculair behaviour and perfectionism is DIRECTLY linked to the porn.

 

The porn floods these guys heads with dopamine for a high (which inhibits oxytocin, just in case you are wondering is the love and bonding hormone) when they are not in their high state they get INCREDIBLY TESTY AND ANNOYING.

 

Focus on every stupid imperfection they can find. If the porn goes and they start to smarten up, they actually lose some of the dopamine (they get depressed for a bit without the high) then they get the oxytocin back and start actually liking their SO again. IF YOU CAN GET THEM OFF OF THE PORN. GOOD F ING LUCK!

 

My H has been off of the porn for 3 weeks and this time I actually believe him because the depression is quite pronounced and a lot of the perfectionistic behaviours are starting to go. Furthermore, seems to be trying to bond with me (I am REALLY sick of his S though).

 

The funny part of all of this is that he started a job a month ago. He works for a porn addict. (Surprise, surprise) He can't take it My H calls me and tells he how tempermental the guy is and perfectionistic, he won't explain things and then expects everything great, or he gets irritable. :lmao:

 

I kind of said, "see, it's real fun eh? Try living with it."

[soserious1]

I'd say that instead of wasting one more minute trying to dissect what's wrong with this man that you get yourself

to a therapist to try to discern what is wrong with YOU.

 

By your own admission, you've devoted several yrs of time to a man who not only treats you badly but a man who's emotionally abused the children you brought into this relationship. You need to start with figuring out honestly,what the disconnect is in your soul that would allow you to sit there passively while this guy tormented your kids. You can't "fix" this man, you can try to fix yourself, help your sons to heal and provide a better upbringing for the 3 yr old.

Edited April 17, 2010 by soserious1

[dreamingoftigers]

oh gosh I think I made it sound like you could fix him. sorry. he's gotta want it.

 

 

my husband is only claiming to stop this time because i am going to schwack him with a full-on D. He can't stand to lose his daughter and claims to want a healthy family. It has still taken over a year.

 

I think my dude is too far gone, I can't imagine yours.