dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 @Mary3 thanks I like being cheered on! @YGG thanks! I'm going to post this somewhere secret so I can see it everyday... "Everyday, do one thing, if only one thing, toward independence. Baby steps until you're ready for a bigger step." I wish my mom had your courage Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 4, 2010 Author Share Posted May 4, 2010 I wish my mom had your courage 8 years later LOL It took me ages to even realize it was a bad situation...even though deep down I knew. As long as I never spoke the words outloud & pretended everything was ok on the outside my brain let me think *everything* really was ok... I'm fearful of turning my world upside down, but he's left me no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 Yay! Prisoner thing--he has a hold on you, as H has also had on me. I don't understand my dependency completely either, but I have it in the forefront of my mind. Everyday, do one thing, if only one thing, toward independence. Baby steps until you're ready for a bigger step. Thats true ! One dish , one plate , one microwave , even if it takes 8 months ( not that you want to wait that long , lol ) but baby steps. THIS is a good example. Have you ever had a messy garage or room that seemed insurmountable ? So the idea is , one section of the garage , one drawer , one closet ....it may take a few months but it can be done ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 4, 2010 Author Share Posted May 4, 2010 Thats true ! One dish , one plate , one microwave , even if it takes 8 months ( not that you want to wait that long , lol ) but baby steps. THIS is a good example. Have you ever had a messy garage or room that seemed insurmountable ? So the idea is , one section of the garage , one drawer , one closet ....it may take a few months but it can be done ! I hear ya! I was just standing in the kitchen today looking at all of our mixed up things & got very overwhelmed. I have to stop looking at the big picture and start looking at the smaller more manageable pictures... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 I hear ya! I was just standing in the kitchen today looking at all of our mixed up things & got very overwhelmed. I have to stop looking at the big picture and start looking at the smaller more manageable pictures... There ya go You could either take half of everything or take most all of everything depending on some factors... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 4, 2010 Author Share Posted May 4, 2010 There ya go You could either take half of everything or take most all of everything depending on some factors... Unless I can directly prove I bought it or had it pre-relationship there will be a massive and fiery fallout if I try to take anything that he thinks is his. Yet this is the guy who left his wife & 2 kids in a Missouri airport mid-vacation to fly off to Oregon to be with his internet fling for good. And when he came back to California to pick up his stuff he stole tons of stuff* from his XW. In this case, knowledge is power & I am going to use what I know to my advantage. I may need to use my 2 large grown sons & XH as "protection" when I take my stuff if I can't get it all done beforehand. *antiques from her grandparents & half (yes half) of the silverware (??) Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 He probably won't even notice that a lot of it is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted May 4, 2010 Share Posted May 4, 2010 He probably won't even notice that a lot of it is gone. He sounds like the type to have a spreadsheet somewhere of household inventory. Farmgirl--just remember the big picture. Do you realize--look back at your posts-- that while you have been so controlled, you were posting about worries with getting dishtowels? If it isn't sentimental, valuable, or necessary, don't fret about it! This is going to go well in the end...you have turned an emotional corner, I can see it--no more denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 4, 2010 Author Share Posted May 4, 2010 There's one thing here that is awkward...I feel like all I say & do now is a lie. Sort of like I was cheating but obviously I'm not, I'm just secretly planning to leave...but it does involve deception and untruths. When he says he loves me he always asks or pushes for a response back. I've basically stopped saying it for about the last 4 years (I *really* wanted to leave 4 yrs ago, but got preg w/ soon to be 3yo )...and it just feels yucky to have to say the words to keep the peace, but I do. Even though I've told him I don't love him & told him a zillion hateful things at this point, he pretends like none of it was ever said & keeps on just like "business as usual". It's crazy-making sometimes! I've stopped fighting him completely because I have my own secret garden where I can plan my future without him...I wonder if he notices...if he does you can bet he just thinks he has me finally trained. LOL He's balking at letting me have his car the next 2 days for farewell lunches for us at work. After 9 years of employment? Seriously!? What a big meanie. He was ok for me to drive it when I was just going to work, but God forbid it's something social that I want to do eh? </rant> ;o) Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 5, 2010 Author Share Posted May 5, 2010 "Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay!" THIS was eye opening to say the least: http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/relationships/too_good_to_leave.htm Also I did a bad thing & snooped... Found his most current pay stub & looked at a bank statement. In 8 years I've never done that before. This too was eye opening. Seriously!? I've been hanging by a thread paycheck to paycheck and can't even afford new socks or to buy a cheap lunch and he has 1000s MANY 1000s in his account? And his paycheck AFTER the mortgage that he pays is still MORE than mine! ^%$#@&!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a lying manipulating con man who supposedly is my fiance. Oh and he spends a ton of money on online subscriptions...(most have no *real* name but one is Evony). What an utter selfish and mean excuse for a man. Anger is galvanizing to me... Oh and call the waaahhhmbulance because he can't afford to put our son or me on his health insurance and we have none after Friday...I see the government is taking a full 40% in taxes & he doesn't have ANY deductions like mortgages or anything...since the house is in my name. Heck he can't even claim daycare since I pay it all with checks written from my own account & my own money. UGH! Sorry about rant #2... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 Unless I can directly prove I bought it or had it pre-relationship there will be a massive and fiery fallout if I try to take anything that he thinks is his. Yet this is the guy who left his wife & 2 kids in a Missouri airport mid-vacation to fly off to Oregon to be with his internet fling for good. And when he came back to California to pick up his stuff he stole tons of stuff* from his XW. In this case, knowledge is power & I am going to use what I know to my advantage. I may need to use my 2 large grown sons & XH as "protection" when I take my stuff if I can't get it all done beforehand. *antiques from her grandparents & half (yes half) of the silverware (??) He sounds like a greedy, selfish a**-wipe . Take all you can legally Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 "Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay!" THIS was eye opening to say the least: http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/relationships/too_good_to_leave.htm Also I did a bad thing & snooped... Found his most current pay stub & looked at a bank statement. In 8 years I've never done that before. This too was eye opening. Seriously!? I've been hanging by a thread paycheck to paycheck and can't even afford new socks or to buy a cheap lunch and he has 1000s MANY 1000s in his account? And his paycheck AFTER the mortgage that he pays is still MORE than mine! ^%$#@&!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a lying manipulating con man who supposedly is my fiance. Oh and he spends a ton of money on online subscriptions...(most have no *real* name but one is Evony). What an utter selfish and mean excuse for a man. Anger is galvanizing to me... Oh and call the waaahhhmbulance because he can't afford to put our son or me on his health insurance and we have none after Friday...I see the government is taking a full 40% in taxes & he doesn't have ANY deductions like mortgages or anything...since the house is in my name. Heck he can't even claim daycare since I pay it all with checks written from my own account & my own money. UGH! Sorry about rant #2... How is it snooping after all of this time and living together and having a child together. That seems weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 5, 2010 Author Share Posted May 5, 2010 How is it snooping after all of this time and living together and having a child together. That seems weird. Because I'm not allowed (never have been) to touch his papers, computer(s), cell phone, real phone back when he had one etc...he would freak out on me terribly if he knew. I've known he has been hiding stuff all along I just chose to stick my head in the sand until now. I've snooped before (to be honest) but only half-heartedly (involved finding panties in MY bedside drawer that he tried to convince me were mine...) & NEVER at his financial stuff. But I needed to know if he was lying about being broke or not (when I know full well how much he makes, but needed to see it in person to actually do the math myself). I'm so sick of the lies, hiding things, passive aggressive BS mind games, secrets, hanging on to the past with little mementos, on and on and on and on!!! I am so thankful to everyone who has replied to this thread while I was trying to face reality. Honestly I'd still be hiding from my truth if I hadn't come here. My future is going to be wonderful, I just know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 I realize you are moving on . I just wonder what were his bills and your bills ? Do you mind listing that ? Or you can PM me that if you want Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 While snooping is never a good thing, if you're going to do it, help your child to profit from it. You need to make copies of pay stubs, 1099's etc.. so that when you go to court to establish paternity for your child the court will have some figures to begin working with. You are going to establish paternity and give this child a name on the line of the birth certificate that says "Father" aren't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 5, 2010 Author Share Posted May 5, 2010 I realize you are moving on . I just wonder what were his bills and your bills ? Do you mind listing that ? Or you can PM me that if you want HA! since I am completely undercover here...I will do it... He makes roughly $10K/ mo (of which 40% is taken for taxes) He pays mortgage #1 $1800/mo cell phones $200/mo (mine incl) internet $60/mo c/s garnishment $1200/mo So $6K - $3260 = $2740 left He owes the IRS $22K at least in back taxes He owes his XW $100K in back child support He buys bulk of groceries (by choice b/c he doesn't eat our farm food) He pays 80% of the time when we go out (don't go out too much tho) He does buy some home repair things from time to time He does not have car insurance (I think!!%$#) & his car is also paid off He does buy some clothes for the baby/ diapers - but rarely His XW is convinced he is hiding large sums of money. Given his secretive behavior it wouldn't surprise me. He buys tons of toys for the kid. He told me he has life insurance that is small & names his other 2 kids & me & the baby (just last week told me this). His XW has indicated she doesn't want that for her boys as they are very comfy. She wants him to look out for the baby...but no such luck. He did just buy me a new Droid cellphone when I broke my last one. He will NOT help me pay daycare except rarely and when he does end up agreeing to help he waits a week or more to pay her...a week in which I am taking the baby to her house and she asks me everyday if SO is coming with the money that day...it's embarrassing. I've told him that. I think he likes doing it to me. I make (made) after taxes $2500/mo I pay the following: fmr owner of house $250 (long story) - owe $2K (just reduced to $50/mo) natural gas $250 (will go down in summer) electric $150 water/sewer $45 garbage $45 vonage $35 <--just cancelled daycare $1000 mortgage #2 $555 <--am way behind on (this is part of original mtg NOT a home equity line) car pmt $605 owe $5K worth $9K am considering selling, but only 62K miles on it... car insur $105 <--used to pay his too ($250/mo), just stopped home owners insr $65 So $2500 - $3250 = MINUS $750 (this does not take into account the huge feed bill at the farm). With my new bill changes and not having to pay daycare I still have $1315 in bills every month plus an unknown amount for health insur (thinking $200/mo). This also leaves mortgage #2 still unpaid. My unemployment compensation is about $2K/mo. So if I am careful I can save some money for my *erm* retirement from this relationship... I paid for my own maternity care/ baby delivery when my insurance did not cover the midwife etc. I paid for any leftover bills after the baby was in the NICU. I pay health insurance for the baby, SO does NOT hold health insurance for him...begging him to hurry & put him on as I am unemployed Friday. I pay for farm costs & feed. We do make a little money but significantly less than I spend on it due to being in the start up stage. Really working on cutting the farm back right now to save money!! I pay when eating out about 20% of the time. I pay the Costco membership $100/yr I pay the Farm Bureau membership to get reduced home owner's insurance rates. It's low, but it's the thought and time that goes in to this that I wanted to point out. I bought about 90% of the baby supplies needed when we had him (crib, clothes, bouncer, swing, breast pump etc). I still buy most of his clothes, shoes, diapers etc. I have $150K life insurance. I named my oldest son as beneficiary with the stipulation that he needs to take care of his little brother whom he adores. He is in agreement. I also buy home repair things. I buy the bulk of the toiletries, medicines etc. If I use ANYTHING he bought, he says "why did you use my shampoo/ cough syrup etc" and then makes me "pay" by swiping something of mine when I'm not looking. Currently I am missing my favorite lavender powder which was just on my bedside stand...(???!?!). Sorry if the above is TMI, but I need to line it all up for myself too. Re the baby paternity thing...yes I need to establish paternity. There is no chance he could be anyone else's so that'll be a slam dunk even if it goes to a DNA showdown. The little one deserves a dad on his birth certificate as well as some financial support. What papers should I photocopy? I know he hid work and money from his XW so he didn't have to pay support for years. She sent someone after him and now he is garnished $1200/mo. I am assuming he will do the same to the toddler. Sigh...oh what a mess I find myself in. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 Okay First of All : You get a Paternity Test ASAP ! ( IF you already have , my apologies ) AFTER you get the Paternity go down to the Child Support Division ... very easy and cheap to do ( like $6 ) -- ( Well the form is cheap but you need a Support Order from the court ) and ask that they petition the court for a Child Support Order. You may or may not need an attorney. Since you are unemployed I think you can get it free ( like legal aid ) You think he is whining NOW ? Wait til he hears he is UNDERPAYING on the first kid. He makes $ 100,000 a year and he pays $ 1,200. NOt going to fly. That is $ 2,500 a month ) THEN he has YOUR child to pay for. The courts do not care if he has 16 kids, he is paying for each and every one of them. I expect after all the s--- hits the fan he is going to dodge you and your baby , just like he did the other kid(s) to dodge Child Support. You may not see a dime if he bolts . Then they have to go after him in alot of different ways.... As far as carving down your bills do the best you can. Your exjer--- is a RAT ! Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 Cobra is more like cheapest--$400-500 a month, and up from there. That's just for you--not the baby. If she demands a paternity test, he will balk at that. Why? he will ask. She can't just walk up to him and demand one. He will know exactly what is up. He might stop mortgage payments immediately. She will be in forclosure quickly. And that's the biggest problem--if she breaks up with him at all she can't pay her mortgage. It could take a year or more to sell her house. The bank could end up repossessing before she sells. She has one option if they split up and he leaves--and that is a short-sale. He will stop doing all things like paying for her cell. If it's in her name, he will cancel it. Unless she can find a terrific job soon..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 FarmGirl, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I highly recommend that you look for some support IRL. It might seem odd or overkill for you to contact a shelter since he doesn't beat you, but the women there can offer lots of guidance on how to extricate yourself from a controller. The reason I keep saying to stop talking about him is only that it becomes an easy way to stayed mired in the mess. You KNOW what he is about. It's time to find out how YOU can get your life back. You can. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 The reason I keep saying to stop talking about him is only that it becomes an easy way to stayed mired in the mess. You KNOW what he is about. It's time to find out how YOU can get your life back. You can. How true how true how true... the victim's mentality, and why Al-anon and other meetings for the SO's of addicts is all about them, NOT the addict. It's so much easier said than done. But it's the only path to any progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Cobra is more like cheapest--$400-500 a month, and up from there. That's just for you--not the baby. If she demands a paternity test, he will balk at that. Why? he will ask. She can't just walk up to him and demand one. He will know exactly what is up. He might stop mortgage payments immediately. She will be in forclosure quickly. And that's the biggest problem--if she breaks up with him at all she can't pay her mortgage. It could take a year or more to sell her house. The bank could end up repossessing before she sells. She has one option if they split up and he leaves--and that is a short-sale. He will stop doing all things like paying for her cell. If it's in her name, he will cancel it. Unless she can find a terrific job soon..... I could not afford the Cobra ... they wanted $ 400 a month....But great advice for FarmGirl "_ Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 7, 2010 Author Share Posted May 7, 2010 Hi He definitely would stop paying the mortgage and squat in the house until the bank evicted him. This would also make it a nightmare to sell since he isn't the most neat of persons... I'm definitely going to need to do some pre-selling on the house. I do know that one of our neighbors whose yard borders our wanted our house 3 yrs ago before the mortgage bubble...not sure they could still do it...and have to be SO careful opening a can of worms that I can't control. I've been busy cleaning and sorting things (sort of a welcome to unemployment, gotta get my house clean type thing), which is therapeutic PLUS it is such a nice feeling to get organized. I've also started doing sewing repairs on all my clothes & things that I've put off for ages. It's a way to save serious money with just a little labor. The garden is huge and getting bigger. I'm going to use every moment I have to either make money or save money for my future since Mr. "Right" isn't going to be much help w/o a ton of coercion lol. Thanks for all your advice, help, support and kindness. One foot in front of the other...I will take care of myself & my wee one. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 Farmgirl, I think you need to separate sooner than later, for your own mental health. If you pack away pennies all summer and fall, it could be Christmas again so soon...and depressing that idea is. YOU own that house. If you can sell it to the neighbors, do! Could you rent it out? Could you get 3/4 or more of the mortgage payment, and be able to pay the rest without him? You could evict him. He might even just leave, if you said, it's over, you need to pack your things and go. Eviction is easy in this case, he has no lease, you're not married. Call the cops and he's out of there immediately if he starts threatening, breaking things, or scaring you. See a realtor. Find out what it's true current value is, then sell it for a little less. Be competitive with other houses similar on the market. Do you have equity? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 I would also look into a Restraining Order. This controlling clown is going to try and do whatever it takes to make your life miserable.. I think once he realizes he has to pay CS on your child and his other one(s) he is going to bolt ! I think get used to being alone for now and not dependant on any money until the court finds him again and takes some of that money he is hiding . Hey do you have ANY access to the bank of his ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted May 12, 2010 Author Share Posted May 12, 2010 I get so bogged down by my absolute INABILITY to motivate myself. Are there any resources that can help me plan my move out? ie 1st do this, then this? I'm struggling here. PS I found my journal from when we broke up in 2005 & I moved out. Oh how I wish I could have been stronger (except of course that I have the baby now) and STAYED moved out. Every single thing in my house is overwhelming me right now...I'm stuck. I know this is not a new problem to people in my situation, but it's SO frickin easy to just stick my head in the sand for one more day and "think about it tomorrow" as Scarlet O'hara so famously put it. Good news - my state offers college/retraining for people who need it & are laid off. I do not have a college degree & the program I like is closer to the farm than here...very very interesting PS @YGG I DMed you back, dunno if it went thru as I was playing with my new ipad and I suck at technology. ipad = unemployment gift from one of my long time vendors. Might keep it, might sell it! But it's a GREAT asset to have...pure cash hehe Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts