troggleputty Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 DF is a good provider. He always has a high paying job As far as I can tell from reading your lengthy initial post, the above is the "reason" you got involved with this guy in the first place and have stayed involved with him despite the fact that the two of you were obviously emotionally and sexually incompatible from the very start. He has no other redeeming qualities based on your description other than his "high paying job" and being a "good provider." You made your "deal with the Devil" and now you are shocked, just shocked that hey, that's the Devil over there on the other side of the bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 As far as I can tell from reading your lengthy initial post, the above is the "reason" you got involved with this guy in the first place and have stayed involved with him despite the fact that the two of you were obviously emotionally and sexually incompatible from the very start. He has no other redeeming qualities based on your description other than his "high paying job" and being a "good provider." You made your "deal with the Devil" and now you are shocked, just shocked that hey, that's the Devil over there on the other side of the bed. As a mother, it seemed to me that finding a man who had a stable high paying job was smart. Unfortunately I thought wrong. You don't think I know how shallow it sounds? How much I hate myself for it? How much it hurts to have brought a son into the world who has a broken father? At least I'm not the only woman in the world to trade her happiness for security (perceived or real)...so I have good company. Bah! I'm not shocked I'm where I'm at right now. I've conveniently learned to hide the truth from myself under a veil of false happiness. I'm gonna need therapy at this rate Link to post Share on other sites
troggleputty Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 As a mother, it seemed to me that finding a man who had a stable high paying job was smart. Unfortunately I thought wrong. No, you weren't wrong, you were being practical. The problem is that you didn't pay enough attention to other issues beyond financial ones, that also affect a relationship. The intangibles. You glossed over some things thinking you could work them out over time. Not unreasonable on your part--no relationship starts out "perfect." You don't think I know how shallow it sounds? How much I hate myself for it? How much it hurts to have brought a son into the world who has a broken father? You're second guessing what you did eight or so years ago. You shouldn't second guess the past. You made a judgment call that this guy had what seemed to be a few rough edges but you thought they could be smoothed out. That's perfectly reasonable on your part. Unfortunately it actually sounds like he might have some pretty serious mental health issues which you might not be equipped to deal with. Like Asperger's or something like that. He actually sounds mildly autistic This might not have been apparent to you at the beginning of the relationship though. He may have just seemed like he had some quirks. The other factor to realize is that if he did have incipient mental health issues back then, and never got proper treatment, they may have gotten worse over time, to where it's intolerable now. Again that's not your fault. It would be like as if you got involved with a person who really liked to party and was a social drinker, figuring that he would "settle down" from his partying ways and mature. Then you find out eight years later, he actually has a history of alcoholism in his family, he starts drinking more and more, and becomes a full blown active alcoholic. A lot of people do an awful lot of drinking in their younger days but it's a "phase" they get over and they do settle down. Some don't; some really fall into the bottle, or drugs, or whatever the addiction might be. Bashing yourself over the past won't help. Look at where you are now and try to move forward. At least I'm not the only woman in the world to trade her happiness for security (perceived or real)...so I have good company. Bah! I'm not shocked I'm where I'm at right now. I've conveniently learned to hide the truth from myself under a veil of false happiness. I'm gonna need therapy at this rate Like I said, it sounds as if your partner actually has some pretty serious mental health issues which have gotten worse over time. It should be treated like any other illness, with professional help. If he's not willing to get professional help for himself, there's not too much you can do about it other than to protect yourself and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 @troggleputty Interesting you mention Asperger's...his middle son has it... Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm really just trying to get myself to face the truth & the only way is to write these things down so I can see them in one spot... Bear with me Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 27, 2010 Author Share Posted March 27, 2010 ever had a complete holy $$$$ moment? I just read about adults with aspergers... it was as if someone wrote about my DF firstand... not saying he has it for sure, but it sure would explain why he has no empathy at all for other living beings... wow it also means he'd never change & I can't take it now...imagine 10 yrs from now yikes thx for the insights...I'm slowly figuring out my next steps... I do owe it to him to see if he would consider therapy of some sort, altho he doesn't believe his middle son has aspergers...so how on earth would he believe he has it is beyond me... sigh more to think about... but at least perhaps instead of worrying about all the bad things he's done to me, I can focus on healing myself... Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your kids. Seriously. This will (or may have already) cause irreparable psychological damage. So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 @troggleputty Interesting you mention Asperger's...his middle son has it... Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm really just trying to get myself to face the truth & the only way is to write these things down so I can see them in one spot... Bear with me So Farmgirl, you mentioned in your original post that you might lose your well paying job in a few weeks. So how does this impact if you decide to create a new life for you & your kids without him in the picture? Are you dependent on him financially? If so, do you have a plan to break away from this? Do you have savings that might last you & your kids for a while? From your story, I doubt that in case of separation, you can count or depend on him financially. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 So Farmgirl, you mentioned in your original post that you might lose your well paying job in a few weeks. So how does this impact if you decide to create a new life for you & your kids without him in the picture? Are you dependent on him financially? If so, do you have a plan to break away from this? Do you have savings that might last you & your kids for a while? From your story, I doubt that in case of separation, you can count or depend on him financially. I'm entitled to quite a few months of unemployment and have a place to go (our farm) that I can live rent free for awhile. The house is just in my name & the market is turning slowly around...so we shall see what happens. I do not think he would be a reliable c/s payer given his record w his other 2 boys. I do know that he loves the 2 yo the best he knows how. He's very tender w him which is heartening to me given all his other foibles. That said...the autism thing has been simmering in my mind since yesterday now and it really makes a lot of sense. He is so brilliant it's almost painful. I've always liked how smart he is, but it is a liability too since he just can't talk about normal stuff for very long. I tried a few different tacts w him today - ie when he wasn't listening or just got derailed - I switched the subject back tactfully and pushed on w my topic rather than let him slip into his old ways of hijacking convos. It's easier to be forgiving of him if he has a reason he is so emotionally *off*. This doesn't mean I could stand to do this for the next 6 mos let alone the rest of my life so decisions still need to be made on my part. I'm going to ask his XW what she thinks about potential autism/ asperger's & him...she will have a lot of insight since she is raising the middle son who has it too. If she thinks it bears looking at, I'm going to do everything I can to pin him down & have him seek counselling. It could change his life & the 2 yos. Thank you again. I came here just looking for an outside open view and I got it and it's HUGE! Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Therapy/counselling will not lead to immediate results. Are you going to stay in the abusive environment, and keep your kids in the abusive environment, in the meantime? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Farmgirl, what happened with your two older kids? You said you don't think of them because it's heartbreaking ... are they still in the home with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Therapy/counselling will not lead to immediate results. Are you going to stay in the abusive environment, and keep your kids in the abusive environment, in the meantime? I'm weighing my options carefully, but I don't think I will stay. I owe it to my 2yo to be happy and in a good place. Living with a man who for all outward appearances is a robot emotionally is not going to work well for me... 8 years is enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Farmgirl, what happened with your two older kids? You said you don't think of them because it's heartbreaking ... are they still in the home with you? Sorry I was unclear... The older boys are 21 & 19 and I think of them all the time. Both are moving on with their lives. The 2 I don't think about are the little babies who never were Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 I was thinking of Asperger's the whole time I read this thread. A very close relative of mine has it. They are usually of higher intelligence and can ramble on about intricate details of a topic of their interest. Random bursts of meaningless words can also happen. They may be better able to communicate via typing than verbal conversations. They may be more clumsy or have lack of coordination and fine motor skills. I can be standing beside this person and speak to them & they won't respond. I have walked away and they will realize 2 minutes later that I spoke to them and answer me. That's just a few things I can remember off the top of my head. Either way, this is an unhealthy environment for you and your child. For some reason, I tend to think he won't even care when you do move out. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 If this isn't Asperger's I'm going nuts... 1. Tonight I was driving on the freeway to pick him up from work & a semi dumped enough water on my car that I lost all visibility and then began to hydroplane (at 60 MPH w the 2 yo in the car), luckily the car is heavy and slowed quickly and steadily since the freeway narrows there and I was socked in with traffic... I was about 3 mins away from his work when it happened so I was still shaking and nearly in tears when I got there. He acknowledged us and got in the car to drive. I told him what happened and he said oh scary. Then proceeded to READ the words on the brightly colored panel truck next to us...and talk about what we were having for dinner. 2. Toddler started choking seriously tonight while daddy was getting him ready for bed. Lucky I was standing there because he didn't even react...he just kept changing the diaper and talking to me... 3. When we got home tonight, he went thru his mail routine while dinner sat getting cold on the table. Mail routine = examining each piece of mail thoroughly and reading the advertisements. 4. This morning I was fiddling with a hangnail and drinking my coffee when he comes and says I have a sore nail too look! And then shows me every scuff and snag and crack in his nails... 5. Help! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Yeah something is wrong with him mentally. I'm not familiar with Asperger's, but my ex was bi polar (one minute he was super sweet and next he was distant or cussing me out). Basically dealing with that for 6 months (because he was in denial that he had a problem at first and then used me and alcohol as a crutch to "fix" his problems) made me have a nervous breakdown. So how you've dealt with it 8 years I have no idea, but he needs serious help because being with someone who is mentally messed up will drain you emotionally until all that's left is a shell of the person you once were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 His XW told me that when he came back to get his stuff that he stole a bunch of her stuff. Like half the silverware (which he still has & we use...now I know why it's a partial set...), her grandmother's buffet, towels, books, etc... Leaving him may be a bit of a mess. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 It does sound like Asperger's but there seems to be an element of cruelty in this man that I have not heard of before. Please don't use up more of your precious life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 It does sound like Asperger's but there seems to be an element of cruelty in this man that I have not heard of before. Please don't use up more of your precious life with him. I'm working on it! I'm going to the use first weeks of unemployment to get the house in order & slip all the things of mine that I want to keep into boxes and spirited away to the farm. I can take my small amount of furniture & pre-him decorative items w/o a fuss but anything I may have bought in the last 6 1/2 yrs that he even suspects he might have bought would be fought over. Ahhh here's the newest blip on the bizarre road map of my life with him: I hardboiled some eggs with Turmeric to dye them naturally for the 2yo for Easter. He actually SCOLDED me for using all his Turmeric up (I did not, there are about 3 cups left...& that goes a loooOOOOoong ways)... My reply was after 8 years if you still think some spices are ****ing yours / mine you're more warped than I ever imagined. He shut up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 I'm writing more to keep myself on track more than anything... I'm really trying to find the oomph to want to leave. How can I live like this for 8 years and just not have it in me to run as far and as fast as I can away from this guy? He's made me into a shell of myself and I'm dead inside, yet all I do is keep rationalizing staying. I just want to be myself again and hear myself think w/o wondering what odd thing will wake up the "odd side" of him again... Every night when I pick him up from work (my car is still broke down) it's always a game to see how sweet & distracting I can be so he won't go into one of his moods. I'm worn down from play acting like everything is so cute and fun with him when we have no real relationship or meaning to our life together. The only thing we really even talk about is the 2 yo & what's for dinner. What is it about this that makes me feel like I can't just turn my back on it? I feel like a traitor to him. I feel responsible because I know he can't keep all the pieces of his life together if I go (or so I tell myself)... Agh. You on the outside see this as so easy... Me? I feel like there is a huge jungle between me & the truth right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Luv2dance Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 How can I live like this for 8 years and just not have it in me to run as far and as fast as I can away from this guy? He's made me into a shell of myself and I'm dead inside, yet all I do is keep rationalizing staying. I would imagine that after 8 yrs and a child together there is a part of you that loves him and any time you leave someone it is a scary step. Knowing that he has some sort of mental issue also probably makes it harder to feel like you are "leaving" him. However, he clearly needs more help than you can give him and you need to take care of yourself and your child. Hang in there and keep writing out your thoughts here! Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted April 12, 2010 Share Posted April 12, 2010 Woah. My H: Mensa Alcoholic 6k earner Computer geek--IT Security Expert (watch out, cuz yes there was a keylogger on this machine, and might still be) Porn addict--SEVERE. Doesn't react emotionally the way normal people do. LIES, lies, and more lies. Secrets, sneakiness. Control issues--monitors my computer use, cell phone, house phone. Pretends he doesn't know things and asks about them, after I see that he has looked into them--which means DEEP TRUST ISSUES. A violent temper just under the surface--he threatened my life once when intoxicated but has never laid a hand on me Freaky sexually. Must have porn, but goes soft in real sex. And the list goes on... So part of reading your story was like reading my own. I was wondering if my H is also a bigamist at one point. 6 years of married hell, the last as roommates--I don't sleep with him ever. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted April 12, 2010 Share Posted April 12, 2010 meant 6 figure income lol also meant if my H was a bigamist--and YOU are the other wife! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 also meant if my H was a bigamist--and YOU are the other wife! LOL HA! It does look like we are with the same man...want him back???? Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 No. I believe you married him first, which makes my marriage null and void. lol Go ahead, just tell me to keep dreaming Link to post Share on other sites
Author FarmGirl Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 I spent an hour at the babysitter's tonight after going to pick the wee one up (in tears)... She needs paid & I need to fix my car...so I asked the SO to pay daycare last week - it was due Friday the 9th. The amount of what I (WE) owe her is $500 which is about what it will take to fix my car. Today I got chastised by SO for not *budgeting* better. Sorry but my car only has 62K miles on it, who knew it would suddenly need work. He also still makes 2.4 X what I do...and I go into the red every 2 weeks paying the bills...so asking him to pay daycare for his OWN son 1x every 6 months or so really shouldn't be THAT much of a hardship. Especially since he pays less than his share of the bills if you split it by income... Anyways so I was discussing with the babysitter how I will probably just pay her tomorrow and fix my car later. Which still leaves me with this problem of not being able to drive myself ANYWHERE still... I honestly think the SO likes to have me use his car & pick him up etc...since it keeps me all neatly tied up into one spot. No running off for any social activities or otherwise when I have to commute with him and pick him up after work all the time...seems awfully convenient eh? I ramble but I need to vent...so bear with me or stop reading whichever suits you hehe. Last week I had 4 days of migraines so by Friday I was at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. The SO was keen enough to perceive that I was about to snap so he was extra SUPER sweet all weekend (not to mention I had emailed him about the daycare monies on Thursday). He cooked, cleaned, fixed my chicken coop roof all weekend etc...which in turn kept me busy and happy outwardly. But when it came time to pay the daycare he can't affford it, blames me, chastises me, etc... Keep in mind that we are going on 3 years of me having to weasel my way into having him pick up the daycare tab just a couple of times a year (for 1/2 a mo bill). Lord knows he could use the tax breaks from paying it, but he can't be bothered... I've read everything I can on Asperger's (not it), Psychopathic tendencies (maybe), Emotionally Distant Men (yes), Borderline Personality Disorder (maybe) etc. Should I even bother reading anymore? I feel like I am going to have a breakdown from walking on eggshells and not knowing if I am picking up Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde tonight. The only constant in my life is the love of my little 2 yo son. I do have a place to go and my mom may have cancer (she's extremely ill) so her & my dad really need me to come keep house and cook for them so this may be a good time to make the break. But I just don't know how to leave. All of my stuff is just tangled up with his and some of it is precious family heirlooms or I just can't part with it...but that said, I don't even have plates, or couches, or a mattress. I do own this house though and I'm thinking that even in this down economy it may be worth a nice little chunk more than I owe which would be probably be the only support I'd ever see from this relationship anyway. Anyone have any good thoughts about extricating myself from this horrid situation I am in? How do I leave with minimal confrontation? This is going to blow up on me if I am not careful. My XH & 1 grown boy can be around when I make the break, but I have to have my stuff sorted first or he'll glower over me and have fits about anything he thinks is his... I'm rambling to keep myself from totally losing it over the enormity of my situation. Layoff is in 3 weeks 4 days... (Calgon take me away??) Link to post Share on other sites
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