This is gonna be long...

[You Go Girl]

The ones who don't want it for themselves, and are doing it to just avoid the consequences, ALWAYS slip up, sneak around, and revert back to their old ways.

Mine's an alcohol abuser--(how to prove an alcoholic lol) too, and that double wammy has made me resort to the couch for the last year.

 

I've been thinking about getting out for 5 years...but what's the final straw, or catalyst?

The final straw often, scary as it is true--NEVER shows up for women in these situations.

I think I found the catalyst. No, no, no affair, just a sweet man who awoke something in me with friendship.

[FarmGirl]

I read these last responses right after they were posted but I needed awhile to absorb them.

 

I *think* I've allowed this situation to go on so long because I am lazy / afraid / whatever about actually leaving. In a way I'm comfy here and enjoy being spoiled and petted & the thought of going it "on my own" is not really that appealing.

 

I'm awfully freespirited & I've let that side of me become silent to keep the peace around here. I've forgotten what it's like to breathe on my own. Perhaps my few days a week at the farm will wake that back up in me.

 

And as a word of warning to people who engage in discussing their real life relationship struggles with real life people...beware...you never know what chaos you will create.

 

~~I've mentioned my neighbor (the flirty/ hand-holdy one)...he chats me up on FB regularly, texts me, emails me, calls me, private messages me etc. Honestly until recently I took his huggy/ touchy-feely ways as just a part of who he is & he *just* started all the internet contact. But now as he begins to go thru his divorce he has become a really clingy person...texting at 9:15 PM to *come get some eggs* from my city chickens. Or showing up IN my backyard as I am working outoors with my toddler. Talk about disconcerting/ no privacy...etc! This AM I walked downstairs in my towel after my shower to get my coffee & lo & behold he was on my backsteps...uhm...? I feel a bit like a prisoner in my own home...

 

My own fault for mentioning my struggles with my SO to him (sort of a commiserating type thing...), I think he took it as a sign. I've honestly never initiated a hug or holding hands...he does it to me. I am pretty standoffish physically at this point in my life so I can't even think I give off any vibes that would ask to be touched...

 

This mess is all my doing & serves to you as a warning that EAs or messy friendships can easily go from one thing to another (even in just ONE person's mind) if you are not SUPER careful

 

Now I gotta do something about this...

 

Sigh.

[You Go Girl]

Spoiled and petted? That isn't what your other posts said to me...clarify?

Interesting though, as I am spoiled and petted I suppose, on one hand, and deprived on the other.

Maybe he makes you think you are spoiled and petted......?! Aha! Could it be not quite the truth, but what he WANTS YOU TO THINK? What he's training you to think? Omg...I think I stumbled upon something there!

 

How did it all go with the car repair? and etc. Does he hang it over your head later when he does something for you? Bring it up and remind you how he saved you, damsel in distress?

 

BTW...Mad Season was my favorite cd going through my divorce! Especially BENT.

 

Oh--and yup, not only twins, but living parallel lives...had to back away from someone I was becoming too close to, said so to him today.

Edited April 27, 2010 by You Go Girl

[FarmGirl]

@YGG well I want for nothing as long as it's nothing I've asked for or need (altho sometimes I do get those things too, usually holidays or after a fight)...

 

I'll explain:

 

I'm scared to death to bring up him helping me pay for daycare because it always starts a fight & then me getting lectured...however, I have bars of the best chocolate, new kitchen gadgets, & cupboards full of the nicest food, a top of the line cellphone (as examples)...yet what I really need and PREFER is just a little help with the bill paying. So on one hand I'm spoiled and petted (he makes me coffee every morning while I get the baby dressed...seems like spoiling to me...but then I am dressing the kid...*shrug* + I do have a nice cushy lifestyle...as long as I color inside the lines).

 

I get everything he thinks I need, but most often not what I really need or want. He is a benefactor to me but on his own terms.

 

It's weird little controlling behaviors (He'll be like - I bought you this thing I think you need...I did *this* thing for you (ie take my water glasses to the kitchen) but only because it drives him crazy having 6 glasses on the bedside stand...). His niceness is conditional upon other influences, ie whether or not I'm "behaving" myself or giving him enough attention. Me acting the tiniest bit nice towards him results in instant gifts (maybe chocolate or something big)...but me asking him to help me with the daycare or car repair gets me shut down hard. Yet he can waste $400 on junk in one weekend (nearly 2 weeks of daycare, or my car repair)...

 

I believe he enjoys having me squirming on the string, never knowing if he will be helpful or cold; cruel or kind.

 

We can go ages w/o anything bad happening between us as long as I lay low and do not rock his boat at all. If I don't react to any of his quirky behaviors or comments, or try to go anywhere on my own...yep you heard that right...that's a no no.

 

Sigh. It's such a big complex mess.

 

Part of my life is so cozy and easy, but I'm selling my soul and my longterm happiness to keep it.

 

This all centers around control I think.

 

He has the money so he calls the shots.

 

No matter that I've paid HALF or more of the bills since day 1 and been perpetually broke keeping up with this stupid lifestyle in this stupid posh zipcode with stupid SUV driving neighbors.

 

How's this for a dealbreaker...tonight he separates his own laundry out to wash & then washes it. He doesn't ask if I need any darks done, or if the baby does...he just does his own laundry. Roles reversed I'd be doing his laundry. Because that's the kind of person I am. He's never washed my laundry just to do it. Always only his. What kind of person thinks like this I ask!? Oh and he expects me to DO his laundry for him and bitches if it's not done...this while I'm working FT, doing most of the care of the 2yo + farming & cleaning house/ gardening etc. It's really annoying. I need to stop doing it I guess.

 

Anyways enough for now, typing all this is stressing me & giving me a headache.

 

If this sounds petty and dumb someone call me out on it.

I'm lost.

 

I asked my oldest son (again) tonight if SO is really bad for 2yo & I. His answer was a resounding YES and he was bad for ME too.

I offered a sincere apology and said I was trying to do the best I could but things did get mixed up. I'm so glad he loves & forgives me for failing to protect him from this crazy man we live with.

 

Goodnight LS

[You Go Girl]

You're very manipulated by what he pretends is his giving nature. It's not giving to keep a running tab and score. It's not giving to keep you on the brink of financial disaster. Yep, you married a control freak, and he has you just where he wants you.

Spoiled with chocolate yet can't pay the daycare for a child that is both of yours?

Come on...look at that from an outsider's viewpoint.

Cunning.

 

You're not spoiled, you're manipulated.

Bet you'd give up the expensive chocolate and settle for Hershey's if he'd just do laundry without paying attention to whose clothes they are, but rather what color, etc.

Emotionally, he's playing the same game for sure--bet the love is rationed in the same way, the emotional closeness, the don't ruffle his feathers or color outside the lines..........ickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

You're an attractive gregarious woman. You could have another man in a heartbeat--probably too easily which can be just as dangerous--I know, been there done that....

He obviously loves his little puppet game with you--all in the name of keeping you 'financially responsible', in the reverse-psychology guise of keeping you somewhat 'financially independent'.

You're a puppet on a string.

[FarmGirl]

Rather than start a bunch of random threads about my woes, I'm probably just going to contain it here for ease of reference (for myself) when I need a kick in the butt to keep me on track!

 

I broke it to the over-friendly neighbor yesterday that I don't want him to come over when we're not home or when my SO is not home.

 

He actually had the nerve to start his email to me with "scuse me" LOL.

This is the guy that has been hitting on me for months, holding my hand ALL the time, asking if we could run off to *work* my farm together, touchy/ huggy, asking/hinting if I'd be interested in more etc etc...

 

I'm very clearly not interested in him, but am still friendly to him (was still friendly)...but his 8 AM arrivals, random showing up on my back porch episodes, making sure to come when only SO is not home had to go...

 

As if I don't have enough trouble with my own man.

Besides if I were going to cheat I'd sure as heck do it with some hot, virile guy not some aging lothario from down the street hehe.

 

SO Update:

 

I had a really long talk with a girl at work about my relationship woes. It did me a TON of good. I think I might finally be figuring this thing out (ie my next steps/ future).

 

Stay tuned for the next episode of Days of our FarmGirl's Life when it returns next week.

[Mary3]

I met my fiance 8 years ago in May on kiss.com.

I was reeling from a failed marriage and had stopped seeing someone immediately before signing up on the website...so I was well...still dealing with issues...

 

We started dating seriously & I enjoyed him. He was geeky/cool, unlike my XH & XBFs who were all manly men. He didn't like camo, hunting, sports, camping...uhm dirt etc. (please take this moment to read my username...yeah...red alert, red alert)...

 

In the beginning my DF was emotionally distant and still secretly trolling the website for other people. He had ED and I didn't care since I was totally in to him and was SO hot for him...we just made sex work...

 

He was also addicted to porn and still entangled with his XGF of 4 years.

He had drawers full of old conquests panties and bras which was odd to me. He had used sex toys which I found, half used tubes of lube etc...all these things got throw away when I found them. But he acted like I was the one who did wrong...sigh.

 

His XGF called once in the middle of the night not knowing he wasn't alone...her voice came on the answering machine...I love you...I always have...etc. YEARS later that message was still saved in his machine & I had no way to delete it. UGH. He also freaked if I touched his phone, computer, cellphone, looked at ANYTHING in his house (cards, pics, etc...)...he felt like a cheater and a liar from the get go...

 

So 8 years have gone by...

 

DF is a good provider. He always has a high paying job and when he brings home groceries for the family it's always thoughtful, helpful, fun and good things. Sometimes he brings little prizes home for everyone and I get flowers (stunning flowers) about 1x a year. He hand picks every stem at the florist and takes immense pleasure in making it perfect. He has great taste...his house was so nice (Pottery Barn nice) when I met him that I asked if he was married or gay...to which he said neither.

 

I have 2 sons from my XH who were 13 & 11 when I met the DF. They clicked with him and played XBOX and watched crazy movies together like mad in the beginning.

 

By then we moved in together (about 6 1/2 yrs ago)...and things started to tumble downhill.

We never had sex. I knew what I was getting myself into tho. I thought oh I can *love him out of it*. I'm a passionate redhead with a firey *erm* bedroom manner...so...I was 110% certain I could do it.

He was viewing porn all the time online & I knew it. I caught him, confronted him and was essentially shut down for being the jerk...

He started weird little passive aggressive games with the boys (locking the TV out so they couldn't use it, hiding their stuff in retaliation for a real or perceived wrongdoing, slowing the internet down so it won't work, locking out their cell phone texting abilities, locking the door & hiding the hidden key, hiding their food, sodas, teeth whiteners, literally you name it & he did it to them).

EACH time I found out, I threw a huge fit. He always lied & denied & cleverly made me end up being the jerk.

 

He dumped me on the side of the road in the winter when I was deathly sick with bronchitis because I argued with him over lying to me about his other *friends*...

 

He used to block my car in the driveway with his to keep me from going anywhere...

 

I moved out once & we went to counselling and I came back (the jist of the counselling was I had control issues by not allowing him his *erm* friends...yeah...). Anyways I am a sucker for a sad song & moved back in.

 

Just then our landlord offered us his house to buy at a rock bottom price due to potential foreclosure. It was $100K less than it should be. I bought it even though it maxed me credit-wise because of the DFs good job. It was a good financial investment and I was trying to create some stability with our relationship.

 

DF has never been affectionate...and when he is it is only on his terms. He is private to the extreme. He doesn't talk about the past or the future. 8 yrs with him and I know nothing about his past. It's like he almost didn't have one...

 

He does have 2 sons from his XW - who he largely ignored for the 1st 7 yrs we were together and now has sporadic contact with. He does not call them, email or send gifts. He does pay $1400/mo CS thru garnishment...

 

I've gotten pregnant 3x by him. He is extremely unwilling to use a condom due to not being circumsized so he kinda wangles his way into it being the girl's duty (& fault). I have extreme migraines & b/c pills are a no no for me. So we kind of just made do...UGH (horrible to admit this, but bear with me)...the 1st 2 times he basically shoved me into the front door of an abortion clinic. The 3rd time I put my foot down and said NO WAY.

 

We now have a nearly 3 year old son who is the light of my life. I don't think about the other 2 because it's heartbreaking.

 

So here I am, losing my good job due to unemployment in a few weeks and essentially becoming dependent on a man who has misused me and maltreated me over the years but still provided a comfy place to land...

 

I don't love him. I've told him so. He won't believe me.

We don't have sex.

He stays up til 2 AM every night, either chatting up some cyber chick or watching porn. I don't know. I don't care.

I tried for years to woo him into coming to bed with me.

Tried attacking him, sexy lingerie etc...but he just doesn't have interest...at all.

 

Now I'm just kind of stuck. At a crossroads. Self examining my life to see where I went wrong...

Do I stay? How can I bear it?

The 2 yo loves his daddy but his daddy is not too connected at times. It's like he mentally checks out...he's an odd odd man.

 

I need someone to love me and care for me and be emotionally available. But I live with someone who has never discussed our future...

 

Help.

 

Wow I stopped at post # 45 and had to respond. I don't know if your situation has changed since the last post that I read :

 

First of all you met this nutcase on a Online dating site and knew nothing about him. Certainly not about his mental illness.

 

You said in the beginning he had Erectile Dysfunction. I am going to attribute that to him STLL IN LOVE with his ex girlfriend and every stroke must have made him feel GUILT .

 

So he was more metro sexual. Not sure what MS has to do with him as a total person. Might be more to that ...

 

If all those used panties , used tubes of lube and other used toys were what HE AND HIS EX USED well then that is just SICK !

 

I should add any used stuff should have been thrown away by him LONG before you knocked on his door...

 

You said the I LOVE YOU message the ex left on his machine STAYED on his machine. Sounds like you were a Rebound. He used you to try and get over HER which DID NOT WORK OBVIOUSLY...

 

I personally have NO problem with porn itself. I DO have a problem when the SO is masterbating with an EX to porn , or is doing porn so much he isn't taking care of ME...OR he is using live web cam sex sites ...big problem...

 

It sounds like you have FINANCIAL NEEDS from a man. Just like one of my friends. You admit he is not loving or affectionate and the sex SUCKS or is non existant.

 

When you have a guy who's house is so tastefully decorated but he isn't giving you any c*** then THATS a problem. So he has nice things. They are to be admired I guess but he is PSYCHOTIC about his items.

 

THIS is what bothered me the MOST : He started weird little passive aggressive games with the boys (locking the TV out so they couldn't use it, hiding their stuff in retaliation for a real or perceived wrongdoing, slowing the internet down so it won't work, locking out their cell phone texting abilities, locking the door & hiding the hidden key, hiding their food, sodas, teeth whiteners, literally you name it & he did it to them).

 

Very very controlling. But he is also SADISTIC. He seems like the kind that would slap a newborn baby in the head and say " What ? I didn't do it " RIGHT THEN AND THERE YOU SHOULD have forgotten that he was a good provider and GOT THE HE** OUT. You didn't . You stayed for the money.

 

And THIS : He dumped me on the side of the road in the winter when I was deathly sick with bronchitis because I argued with him over lying to me about his other *friends*... CAN YOU SPELL CONTROLLING ??????? Along with the Blocking your Car so you could not get out. Its all about controlling everything around him.

 

And this : He is private to the extreme. He doesn't talk about the past or the future. 8 yrs with him and I know nothing about his past. It's like he almost didn't have one... You dont know much about him. He has some of the components of a very sadistic man. And he could be hurting women that you don't KNOW about !

 

The reason he gets you to feel bad when he is a TOTAL JERK is through MANIPULATION. He pulls your strings ! WHY is he there ? So he doesn't have to pay MORE CHILD SUPPORT ?

 

DUMP DUMP !

[FarmGirl]

@Mary I hear ya loud & clear. I had to start somewhere to pull my head out of the sand...and LoveShack was it. It's so silly to stay somewhere to be comfortable but that's what I'm doing and it's totally nuts.

 

I'm working on it!! :)

[Mary3]

@Mary I hear ya loud & clear. I had to start somewhere to pull my head out of the sand...and LoveShack was it. It's so silly to stay somewhere to be comfortable but that's what I'm doing and it's totally nuts.

 

I'm working on it!! :)

 

Whewwwwwwwwww !

[You Go Girl]

Farmgirl, I relate to your post and am following it because as you know our H's have things in common...

Mainly the manipulative manner of their generosity, and their secret side about which the message is loud and clear--none of your business, myob.

This isn't how healthy successful marriages are.

Why don't you drop the let's see a marriage counselor bomb on him? I foresee him responding very negatively, and citing the costs involved, because it is an evasive manuever to being called on the carpet for his controlling/selfish/manipulative behavior.

But it's time to shake things up, as well as get your personal bank account padded--which is crucial.

His generosity is selfish in nature. Kitchen gadgets? Umm...haha...that's like 'go cook me something honey'.

Chocolate? Keep you in an agreeable mood, kind of like supplying you with your favorite dope.

But generosity with the things that cause you stress? Naw. Handle that on your own. Deaf ear on that daycare thing. Well, after all, you wanted the kid, right? So it's officially yours...punishment for not getting another abortion.

All very cunning, yet all very transparent too.

Kitchen gadgets aren't love. Caring about a spouse's stress IS LOVE.

You're not really loved, is my point. Love is fair, giving, and nowhere near that self-serving or selfish. Love is open and honest. Love isn't manipulative or controlling.

I say these things, yet I too am procrastinating, not doing all the things I should to insure my own financial independence...

Geesh, the two of us need to run off like Thelma and Louise. Without the tragic ending, of course. Maybe open an antique store. lol

Point being--those women took their own lives into their own hands. They took back control of their own destiny.

And of course, with that comes the fear of financial failure, the responsibility...

This is my mantra these days from another poster on LS--it was his signature for awhile and I copied it to my computer and think about it everyday--

"Do, or do not. There is no try."

Read that line everytime you are afraid of being responsible for your own financial success.

Edited May 2, 2010 by You Go Girl

[soserious1]

@Mary I hear ya loud & clear. I had to start somewhere to pull my head out of the sand...and LoveShack was it. It's so silly to stay somewhere to be comfortable but that's what I'm doing and it's totally nuts.

 

I'm working on it!! :)

 

 

So you hung around while this guy emotionally abused your older kids and made their teen years a living hell?

 

Now you're continuing to hang around with a 3 yr old you two created together.. a 3 yr old that you've allowed this guy to bastardize via his failure to acknowledge paternity on the birth record, a 3 yr old whom he provides no health insurance for and for whom he will not pay daycare expenses.

 

Yet you are "spoiled and petted? enjoy your fancy chocolates lady, you're basically selling out the well being of your children to get them.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are heavily co-dependent. I say this with kindness, but this sounds almost exactly like my mother's situation and she is heavily co-dependent.

 

She ignored my needs growing up because she was too caught up in either trying to help my father through his issues, give him everything he needed, make excuses for and ignore his issues, or blowing up over his issues. Mostly she made excuses and ignored his issues. Often she would just be a victim to his issues, I think this is the path you have chosen now.

 

It seemed like there were years of denial and ignoring, now being followed by victimization by his actions.

 

He took care of her very well financially and still does. He is still a douchebag. Nothing improved, it only got worse. Co-dependents minimize their partner's aggravating behaviour ir they react to it constantly. You are not living a real life if you are hanging around waiting to see what he does next, or trying to pretend that what he does is okay. It isn't reality.

 

Get reading girl or nothing ever changes. 12 steps for Co-dependents.

 

Whatever payoff you are getting from this relationship is not worth what your children are going through and they will detest you for it when they get older. It goes down like this: Mom lived with a moron that didn't really get it and was a jerk, and SHE, who DID KNOW THAT THIS WASN'T RIGHT DID NOTHING TO STOP IT.

 

You can paint this guy in all of the nasty colours of the rainbow but until you address your co-dependency, you really haven't done ANYTHING that helps your family.

 

This may sound harsh, I do not have harsh intentions but I am a co-dependent too (thanks for modelling that to me, Mom) that is working on my issues and I know it took a therapetic kick to the head to get me to start addressing them. In fact, things had to go REALLY nuts around here for me to realize my own role in the problem.

 

He may be doing ridiculous things, but even if you are only 10% responsible for the mess you are in, that is a WHOPPING 10%. and for your life to have a 10% improvement, that would be HUGE too.

[JustLooking123]

Whatever payoff you are getting from this relationship is not worth what your children are going through and they will detest you for it when they get older. It goes down like this: Mom lived with a moron that didn't really get it and was a jerk, and SHE, who DID KNOW THAT THIS WASN'T RIGHT DID NOTHING TO STOP IT.

 

Preach it. I agree 100%.

 

If a grown woman wants to stay in an abusive relationship in exchange for financial benefits, that's fine with me; FarmGirl seems to have rationalization down pat.

 

What makes me sick whenever I read this thread is the thought of her poor kids, who get abused as part of the whole sick dynamic between FarmGirl and her partner.

 

He's not the only bad guy here...

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't say it to attack her but I also know human beings can come up with almost unlimited denial when they feel like a situation calls for it. The only thing that really makes me want to work on my co-dependent tendencies is I don't want my kid growing up feeling like I did.

 

I don't think FarmGirl is trying to be a golddigger or anything like that, it isn't money so much as security I am willing to bet. Often we are much more comfortable with the devil we know. Unfortunately, it is still the devil.

 

Honestly I don't even think leaving the relationship is the answer in itself, it is discovering what you should be able to expect and setting appropriate boundaries that you stick to. That's why I recommended the book, as soon as you are able to clean up your own back yard and build the proper boundaries, the relationship can only change or die. Just like any other kind of unhealthy behaviour.

 

Of course proper boundaries should be set to protect her children at the forefront. No kid deserves to be treated crappy by a parental figure. Odds are the kids don't know proper boundaries because the parents don't practice them.

 

I am still learning what boundaries I need to set, but I knew that when I got out of my husband's backyard and started to clean my own, things got better.

[FarmGirl]

I read these thru & well wow

 

If I only I could explain to you how easily these waters I live in switch from a comfy 72* to 150* or 10* in a flash, and then poof it's all gone again & everything is comfy again. I actually (to this MOMENT I am typing this) second guess myself all the time wondering if I am making a mountain out of a molehill or if it's even as bad as I wrote it was...

 

It makes me feel like I'm totally nuts.

 

Everything I wrote it the God's honest truth. There are hundreds of things I didn't write because just complaining about him isn't giving me the answers.

 

The absolute HELL that will open up on me the moment I try to leave is going to be catastrophic for me. I'm going to have to argue for every dishtowel or bedpillow that I take with me or else I am going to have to sneak out like a coward when he isn't here, or worse I'm going to have to leave with nothing. I am unemployed as of this Friday from a very good job that I worked 9 years to get to...and replacing it in this economy isn't going to happen. I'm totally screwed!

 

I am wrung dry financially paying more than my share of our bills so if you want to think I am a golddigger for being broke all the time then you need to take a look in my bank one of these days. The only thing I have is an address in a good town. I don't even own a mattress...or a couch...or plates...

 

I admit it's cushy here, sometimes, as long as I don't think about the price I am paying to be here.

 

The SO *is* good to the 2 year old mostly, but he is also weirdly disconnected at times. I can't seem to tear the good daddy who gives the boy baths every night & plays so sweetly with him a lot - away from the monster who crushes my life so easily...and yes I realize that I can rationalize with the best of them.

 

Time will get me thru this I know...

I've done wrong by my oldest sons I know. I'm trying to fix it with the 2yo.

 

I came to LS to see if other people would agree with me that what I suspect about my life is true. They did. But I can't just up & walk out. I own this home, it is in my name only. To leave it would be financial ruin for me, yet I can't afford it on my own...so I am trying to figure out what to do. Selling it with a minimum of drama would be best...but I know what I am up against with this guy & he will probably do everything in his power to ruin any chance I have of selling this house rather than losing it to the bank...

 

PS he hasn't fixed my car yet...it was just an offer that nothing came of.

 

PPS I noticed today as I started to talk about the farm, that he instantly became standoffish & unkind. Because (I assume) it was me talking about the thing I love...he also lectured me on making money at it etc etc...to which I replied 'well it's hard to make money not being able to go out there anymore'. He won't let me use his car on weekends to drive to the farm so I can't help there...and my dad gets mad because I don't come help...sigh...I'm being held hostage in a Chinese Laundry & I'm not joking...

 

I'll keep writing.

You can keep yelling at me, encouraging me, listening, cheering me on - whatever...but nothing negative you can say about me is new - I've said it all to myself already. I'm just trying to save myself and my 2 yo now.

 

Over and out.

For now.

 

PS @YGG yes please re the Thelma & Louise thing

[FarmGirl]

PPPS I have extreme problems with understanding what boundaries are ok with me, setting them and then sticking to them.

 

 

PPPPS I will get that book too!

 

THX

[Mme. Chaucer]

How about starting with not talking about your SO and what he did, or did not do or say anymore? Just talk about yourself, what YOU did to improve your situation or to help maintain the status quo.

[LittleTiger]

TIME WILL GET ME THROUGH THIS I KNOW...

I've done wrong by my oldest sons I know. I'm trying to fix it with the 2yo.

 

I came to LS to see if other people would agree with me that what I suspect about my life is true. They did. But I can't just up & walk out. I own this home, it is in my name only. To leave it would be financial ruin for me, yet I can't afford it on my own...so I am trying to figure out what to do. Selling it with a minimum of drama would be best...but I know what I am up against with this guy & he will probably do everything in his power to ruin any chance I have of selling this house rather than losing it to the bank...

 

Hi FarmGirl

 

I've just had a read through your whole thread and wow, what a situation you are in. As long and distressing as your story is to read, this one phrase (capital and bold) glared out at me. Do you really believe what you just said? If so, then that one belief right there is your problem. The only thing that time does without any help from us is make us old. FACT.

 

People say that time heals all wounds. Maybe, maybe not, but it certainly doesn't heal anything unless we allow it to. Right now, in your current situation, time will only serve to make things worse.

 

I'd like to ask you a few questions if I may.

 

Are you here just to see if other people would agree with you or do you actually want to get out of this situation?

 

Is LS just a sounding board where you can vent your frustrations or are you actually looking for help?

 

You say you are trying to figure out what to do? Trying will get you nowhere. What are you actively doing to change the situation (other than talking about it)?

 

OK, so the house is yours and you can't just up and walk out. So what can you do?

 

You very clearly realise that your current life is not what you want. So what do you want? How would you like to be living two years, five years, ten years from now?

 

There are so many ifs, buts and maybes in your thinking, it's no wonder you're stuck. If you really want things to change, how about clarifying things in your own head. Decide exactly what you want, then you can work out how to make it happen.

[Mary3]

Listen : You have choices about dish towels and plates....

 

You can either slowly take a few plates or glasses on a daily basis and rent a storage unit to keep them in. Or if you have a friend or parents , you can slowly syphon off things you need to stash away since you are unemployed.

 

Am I correct , you own the house ?

 

This man is very CONTROLLING as I said before. You have the victim mentality. Which means you are being abused psychologically. Its becomes a sort of Paralysis when you don't know where to turn.

 

MAKE A PLAN ! If it helps , I was once in your situation. I did exactly what I said at the top of this post. Do NOT tell him you are going. Get your kids and go to a Womens Shelter for counseling , legal advice and learn how to NOT let someone take so much control on your life.

 

If you have access to ANY money start stashing it. Leave when he is at work. You think " Oh he is not violent and I don't need this kind of advice " You DO ! Because if he is CONTROLLING you are not getting out of this relationship EASY.

 

Be prepared at some point for him to talk about threats , suicide , taking things from you , telling you how horrible your life will be without him

 

Just remember : You can always buy a new microwave but you can't buy new kids . The longer you stay there the more messed up they become and YOU.

[FarmGirl]

@littletiger

 

you asked a few questions - let me see if I can answer -

 

1. Are you here just to see if other people would agree with you or do you actually want to get out of this situation?

After 8 years of this & never talking to anyone about it I finally opened up to someone at work a few months ago. They were horrified and said I should leave immediately. Of course knowing me I just rationalized what they said since they 'don't really know my situation'...but what they said planted a seed. I thought, and thought, and thought about it...Then I started searching the internet to see if what she implied was true. Then I found LS & wrote my post. See next question...

 

2. Is LS just a sounding board where you can vent your frustrations or are you actually looking for help?

LS is a sounding board & a reality check for me. I do need help. I'm so detached from the reality of my situation that it's hard to imagine I am actually even here. Which is why I need to hear 'yes it is as bad as you wrote' LOL. Seriously. Most of the time it doesn't feel that bad (probably because I feel nothing anymore).

 

 

3. You say you are trying to figure out what to do? Trying will get you nowhere. What are you actively doing to change the situation (other than talking about it)?

Last week I started "cleaning" and will hold a couple of big yard sales this summer. I separated out a bunch of my movies yesterday while "organizing" things. I also laid aside some kitchen towels, dishcloths and sponges on Friday. When my car is fixed I will load my car with "stuff for Goodwill" & then drive to the farm & leave it there for when I move out. I've accumulated medicines, toiletries and the like as well. So yes I'm getting ready.

I'm also on unemployment in 2 weeks and will get it for at least 26 weeks (job mkt in my state is dismal so maybe longer). I'll save every dime of it that I can. I also have a large crop of what we raise on the farm coming ready this summer which will tide me thru financially for awhile...

I can live rent free at the farm but the upstairs area needs some TLC (bathroom broken) so I need to save up to fix it. Luckily I can barter my labor and food growing skills for a place to live.

I'm sure it will be fine in the long run moving there...it's just a bit weird since about 12 years ago when I split from my XH I ran back to the farm...now I'm running back again...altho they need me this time with my mom's bad health.

 

5. OK, so the house is yours and you can't just up and walk out. So what can you do?

I need to call a real estate agent & find out what they think about the current market. I checked zillow this weekend & the house is down $100K in value since we bought it Glad we bought low so that there's still equity in it.

 

6. You very clearly realise that your current life is not what you want. So what do you want? How would you like to be living two years, five years, ten years from now?

I just want to have an original thought without wondering what the fallout will be. Novel concept eh?

2 years from now I'd like to be a successful farmer, living at the farm and teaching others how to do things like cure meats, make cheeses, can fruits & veggies, home dairying and raising livestock on a small scale. I'd also like to repair the damage done to my kids & me by living here so long. That may take more than 2 years tho

I can't imagine 5 years from now, but LORD help me if I'm still here in this mess!! $#@!!!

[FarmGirl]

Listen : You have choices about dish towels and plates....

 

You can either slowly take a few plates or glasses on a daily basis and rent a storage unit to keep them in. Or if you have a friend or parents , you can slowly syphon off things you need to stash away since you are unemployed.

 

Am I correct , you own the house ?

 

This man is very CONTROLLING as I said before. You have the victim mentality. Which means you are being abused psychologically. Its becomes a sort of Paralysis when you don't know where to turn.

 

MAKE A PLAN ! If it helps , I was once in your situation. I did exactly what I said at the top of this post. Do NOT tell him you are going. Get your kids and go to a Womens Shelter for counseling , legal advice and learn how to NOT let someone take so much control on your life.

 

If you have access to ANY money start stashing it. Leave when he is at work. You think " Oh he is not violent and I don't need this kind of advice " You DO ! Because if he is CONTROLLING you are not getting out of this relationship EASY.

 

Be prepared at some point for him to talk about threats , suicide , taking things from you , telling you how horrible your life will be without him

 

Just remember : You can always buy a new microwave but you can't buy new kids . The longer you stay there the more messed up they become and YOU.

 

Thanks for your help!

My reply to @littletiger has most of these things covered.

I'm so grateful for everyone here on LS. I'd be lost w/o you.

[FarmGirl]

How about starting with not talking about your SO and what he did, or did not do or say anymore? Just talk about yourself, what YOU did to improve your situation or to help maintain the status quo.

 

Sigh I know. I'm trying.

[You Go Girl]

Sigh I know. I'm trying.

 

Coming to LS and opening up about your marriage is probably the first step to learning to be proactive and actually make moves in the right direction.

It's natural that first you need to vent, examine, etc.

Checking the status of your own head--that you're not crazy, self-centered, etc., is natural too--especially when you've been living with a manipulator! HELLO!

I'm glad you came here farmgirl. You're empowering yourself the only way you know how--first with your head, later with actions.

[You Go Girl]

Listen : This man is very CONTROLLING as I said before. You have the victim mentality. Which means you are being abused psychologically. Its becomes a sort of Paralysis when you don't know where to turn.

 

MAKE A PLAN ! If it helps , I was once in your situation. I did exactly what I said at the top of this post. Do NOT tell him you are going. Get your kids and go to a Womens Shelter for counseling , legal advice and learn how to NOT let someone take so much control on your life.

 

If you have access to ANY money start stashing it. Leave when he is at work. You think " Oh he is not violent and I don't need this kind of advice " You DO ! Because if he is CONTROLLING you are not getting out of this relationship EASY.

 

Be prepared at some point for him to talk about threats , suicide , taking things from you , telling you how horrible your life will be without him

 

Just remember : You can always buy a new microwave but you can't buy new kids . The longer you stay there the more messed up they become and YOU.

 

I hear Mary, and she definitely speaks from experience.

My roommate H did all the threats a couple years ago...

suicide. my life. financial ruin to me through dragging me through the courts. etc. This coming from a man who was Mr. Generosity, someone who years ago taught women self-defense.

Mary knows what she is talking about. The last year--me living on the couch--has created a buffer zone between the dramatic threats and now, which is a quiet acceptance. I didn't want this marriage to go out with a bang! but rather a wimper.

He had me scared a year and a half ago. I ran away at one point, rather afraid. Then I did what every smart woman would do--TELL people what threats he had made. That made him back down and realize he was being an absolute control freak mental case idiot. I told my family, and I told him that I told them.

Control freaks count on something--all abusers do--that they can keep their woman quiet about what really goes on at home.

Scream it to the world, and he will back down, having been revealed for trying to get away with it.

So do watch yourself farmgirl--he may really get ugly. I certainly hope not--but I'd prepare for the worst.

[FarmGirl]

Coming to LS and opening up about your marriage is probably the first step to learning to be proactive and actually make moves in the right direction.

It's natural that first you need to vent, examine, etc.

Checking the status of your own head--that you're not crazy, self-centered, etc., is natural too--especially when you've been living with a manipulator! HELLO!

I'm glad you came here farmgirl. You're empowering yourself the only way you know how--first with your head, later with actions.

 

 

I struggle with thoughts that I AM self-centered, "too needy" (his words), too bitchy, grumpy, that I'm making this problem into a monster in my head when it really "isn't that bad" etc etc etc.

 

I second guess this all the time! I go from packing my stuff, to wavering whether it's bad enough to uproot everything for the 2nd time in my life every 30 seconds.

 

I lost a business, my car(s), my home and a storage shed full of antiques the last time I broke up with someone and it took me & my credit YEARS to recover...but we did lol...but...well...now I gotta do it again because I have bad taste in men...or whatever...

 

Cleaning helps. It's therapy.